Heroine: California Dreamin' (33 page)

“You did fuck her in California already”, I gasped. Daniel remained completely calm. He admitted it.

“Yes, when you told me about your affair with the auto mechanic I saw no reason any longer to hold back. Mei Li and I spent the weekend together at Lake Tahoe. Now don’t you look at me that way! We had agreed on that, haven’t we?”

Yes, at some point we had talked about, that each one of us was allowed to once be unfaithful. But in this way? Rattled and with pain in my chest I staggered into the shower. The pain came from jealousy.

I didn’t accompany Daniel to lunch. On the one hand I was too exhausted and on the other hand I wanted to be alone and I surely didn’t want to cross Marco’s ways. I was not certain if I should see myself as victim in a frame-up game or as somebody who actually wanted to play that game. At any rate I had my fun. I had to admit that.

I slept through the entire way back. On Sunday night I was finally in bed again with my husband. I had decided that this was much less dangerous. Daniel was a good lover but couldn’t
bring me to the point where I thought that I’m losing my mind; Marco did.

‘Marco is the exact opposite of Jan’.
That thought went through my head when I woke up.
‘Potent but of no use in daily life.’
The latter would not apply to Jan. He was perfect. Even in daily life.

I decided to conclude the events from the weekend and be happy. The fling with Marco was just too beautiful. Therefore I did not begrudge Daniel’s trip to Lake Tahoe. Important was that he stayed with me. When I told him about it he kissed me passionately. When we lied down in bed Daniel wanted to talk about my night with Marco under all circumstances. I put him off because I needed a break badly. Only during the next weekend we had time to exchange our experiences. By then it was clear to me that we both hadn’t changed. New world or old world. Our games remained the same.

Mei Li fancied pornos. I looked at Daniel in astonishment when he told me that. We were in bed and finally found the peace and quiet to talk about our adventures. Just before I had turned him on by telling him about Marco’s capabilities and in particular his sensitivity. Daniel should learn from that.

His female boss had tried several times to seduce him when they were in New York. Until my release from jail Daniel hadn’t dared to succumb to her advances. He was afraid it might hurt his career. Sexual discrimination and even a hint of it – in particular in the work place - are a big subject in the USA.

However, I knew from Irene that behind the scenes it is probably all the same as in Europe. But as a foreigner Daniel only dared to seize the opportunity when it was clear that he would leave the country only weeks from then.

My feelings did not play a part in Daniel’s career thinking. He just assumed that I would agree at any rate; after all we had a deal. I was upset about that but didn’t say anything.

To make a long story short this is how the two ended up in a hotel bed at Lake Tahoe after they had concluded all their meetings. And that happened already on Friday night; they spent the rest of the weekend together. Whereas Mei Li followed her great passion and watched pornos for hours.

“She wanted to find out what could actually be presented to an audience in that field; she wanted to learn about it. She liked in particular when women were tied down, spanked and still had to satisfy several men at the same time. She had oodles of those movies on her PC. Some of them were really violent. I couldn’t watch that. Mei Li told me she wanted to understand what is all possible in sex.”

I giggled. This woman wanted to “learn” something! Sometimes Daniel was at least as naïve as I am.

In my book Mei Li was clearly a sadist. She seemed to love it when women must suffer. My original feelings had not fooled me. So far they were only little grumblings in my belly when I saw here. At least in California. Now I knew exactly what was behind that.

“She then demanded from me to allow her to tie me down. Then she put some blindfolds on me and fucked me when she was aroused. Do you like that, darling?” It took me a while to understand that my husband believed his story would turn me on as much as vice versa. He was completely wrong.

“Keep on talking”, I diverted the conversation. “What is Marco’s opinion on that? Have they been going out together for a long time?”

“They’ve met in New York where he had spent some months to learn about the newest technologies. Marco is only once in a while with Mei Li. She views him as somebody who can satisfy her if and when she needs it. Not more. They had agreed on an open relationship from start. Like we do.”

Oh, I didn’t know anything about that. This was the first time I heard about an open relationship between Daniel and me. But when you look at it objectively then Daniel was probably right.

“They tell one another about their adventures, just like we do.”

“Does that mean that your boss knows now exactly what this Marco had done with me?” I asked breathlessly.

“Yes, of course. Otherwise they would break their agreement.” I was speechless. Then again I knew now everything about Mei Li’s sex life as well. Slowly but surely I should have been used to our strange behaviors. But so far I haven’t succeeded.

Nothing else came out of our talk and the next weeks passed by without bringing the subject up again. Daniel had sensed that I didn’t really like his games the way he wanted them.

What I disliked was that his behavior started to slowly change. After our arrival in Geneva we had used the weekends to make ourselves familiar with our area. In particular we liked the Rhone valley and we visited many old villages and towns. In addition to that we frequented many events in Geneva. That was something we had hardly done in California because we always had t
o go to San Francisco for that.

After that skiing weekend everything changed. First slowly, so that I didn’t realize the changes initially. Daniel began staying for long hours in the office in the evenings and then he went on business trips more and more frequently and sometimes he stayed away for several days. I never learned exactly where he was and why he had to travel such a lot. My jealousy kept on growing.

I suspected that Mei Li was behind all that. When Daniel informed me that he wanted to leave alone one weekend I confronted him with the accusation that he wanted to get away with his boss. The conference that he mentioned as a reason was only an excuse. He denied it. With a sense of helplessness I stayed back alone in the small apartment. I felt that we were headed for a deep crisis. Still, what came then would no longer fit the term ’crisis’. It became a catastrophe.

Daniel greeted me briefly when he came back from his trip. I was devastated. All the other times he had taken me into his arms and kissed me. This time he was unapproachable and disappeared grim-faced in the bathroom without even touching me. I got cramps in my belly and was befallen by terrible angst.

“We need to talk.” Daniel sat down at the table and looked at me with a serious face. My fears escalated to panic. Did he want to leave me?

“Let’s come straight to the point. I have lost trust in you. We had an agreement and you didn’t uphold it. Why have you participated in a porno movie without telling me anything about it?” I felt sick. I had no answer. He waited a moment then he unpacked his notebook and opened it.

“Mei Li gave me a copy. She’s found the movie on the Internet.” Completely without emotions he showed me the film that I was familiar with. Only from a different perspective. Ron, Pete, Hippo and I; since I was still silent he continued.

“You know if you had asked me whether you could participate in something like that I would have agreed. Perhaps I would have been there myself. But you did it behind my back. Now think. First that story with the car mechanic. Then the strange charges because of prostitution. You always have plenty of money for yourself. And so on. Finally this porno movie pops up. You have lied to me and went behind my back ever since I had left Cologne. I am no longer able to believe you one word.”

The world collapsed on me. I gasped for air and ran into the bathroom in order to throw up. All that was too much for me. When I came back Daniel was still sitting at the table, emotionless.

“Please Daniel I can explain that to you. It is not as it appears. I was forced to do so.”

“Forget it”, he said dryly. “Every time you tell me something it turns out later to be a fairy tale. I don’t believe you one more word. Listen. This story puts my career in jeopardy. Mei Li does not tolerate when wives of her employees practice such sleazy kind of work. She only knows of your little film. But meanwhile I know much more. That you had worked in California as a pro has become obvious to me. All that fits together to a logical puzzle. Juliane, I will break up with you.”

That hit me like a punch. Tears streamed from my eyes down my face and I put my head on the table. I saw Mei Li behind all of that. From the beginning she intended to snatch Daniel away from me. First she tried it with Marco to alienate Daniel. When that didn’t work that movie fell into her hands. I could picture her how she rejoiced in triumph on the inside and clenched her hands to fists.
‘Now I have you. Daniel belongs to me and I’ll just finish you off’
, as I heard her saying before my inner eye.

Late at night I had calmed down so far that I could speak again.

“And where do we go from here?” I asked Daniel still interrupted by sobbing.

“We part. I’ll move out and you must look for a new apartment. I guess Germany would be your best bet. I’ve already informed the owner that we move out by the end of the month.”

“But that will be next week already. Where should I go all by myself?”

“I have given it some thought. I still have the apartment in Stuttgart. The company is still paying the rent there for a few months. You can drive there and from there you can look calmly for a new home.” Daniel had planned out everything already in advance. He was a master in that.

I could not gather any clear thought any longer. Never in my life had I felt so sick and miserable. Not even in jail. I spent my last few days in Geneva in deep depression. My ex-husband still helped me packing my suitcases. Part of it he would store at Mei Li’s apartment. He had moved in with her. He would forward some of my luggage via mail when I had a new address. At the train station in Geneva he only shook my hand briefly in order to say good bye.

“When you need help in practical things you may contact me. I had a great time with you and I am grateful to you for what you have given me. I don’t want to say anything else.” I couldn’t reply because I was crying uncontrollably. It was over.

I was not even aware of the train ride from Geneva to Basel at the German border. My world was finally in shambles. No clear thoughts came to my mind. What finally happened I had never seriously contemplated again after my release from jail. Daniel had left me. He had kicked me out. Only because this bitch of a female boss had found my porno video on the Internet. Why did she act so hypocritical? I took part in such a movie, she watched with delight. Is she a better person than I am?

But the worst part was Daniel’s cold look when I attempted explaining to him the reasons and the background. That he didn’t believe another word of mine destroyed everything in me and what connected him and me. I still loved him. But all bridges had been destroyed irrevocably. I cried quietly.

Daniel told me to go to Stuttgart. I had never been to Stuttgart in my life. Perhaps it was the most beautiful city in the world – and I am sure that the word would have gone around – I would still be by myself there. I would die like a flower in the desert.

‘Perhaps it would be the best when you kick the bucket’, a hatred-filled voice said in my head.

‘Let’s look at all the terrible things you’ve done during the last few months. Two people have died through your doings. You have cheated on a loving mother -once your best friend - with her own son. You have cheated on your husband at any given opportunity. In fact you have become a whore.’ The voice sounded familiar but I couldn’t allocate it to any specific person. The voice was probably right. I got out of the train at Basel. Not because I wanted it but rather because the ticket that Daniel had handed me dictated that. I did what he intended me to do. He was a master in planning and manipulating. He wanted me to get on the ICE that would be taking me to Karlsruhe where I ought to change trains for a second time.

The announcement via loudspeaker informed us about the incoming train. For a moment I was weighing to find closure right now and to throw myself onto the train tracks. Then I heard the next stations announced. “Karlsruhe, Mannheim, Frankfurt, Cologne, Düsseldorf.” I didn’t pay attention to the rest. Something in me yelled at me. A child that couldn’t tolerate something any longer. The voice filled with hatred that was my mother’s voice. Nagging, accusing, rejecting. An old well-known rage came over me. She wouldn’t get me! Calmly I boarded the train.

Once in the compartment I bought another ticket after Karlsruhe valid to take me to Cologne. My mind was working again! Why should I go to Daniel’s apartment when I still had the key to Erich’s house? After all Erich still loved and trusted me. But then there was the connection to Horst. And Igor.

So better go to Jan? I felt how the embarrassment boiled up in me again. Deep embarrassment. What would Jan think of me when Daniel … let’s not think about it! The decision was clear: Erich.

As agreed I sent an SMS to Daniel about at the time that could correspond with my arrival time at his Stuttgart apartment.
‘Have arrived’.
No emotional add-on. I was cold. Two hours later I afforded a cab at the train station in Cologne. It took me into the noble suburb where I got out in front of the gate to my ex-lovers villa. I stood there for a while in the quiet street with my suitcase, and all alone. In some distance there was light on in his study. I pressed the button beside the door. For a while nothing happened. Then I heard Erich’s voice.

“Yes?” That was Erich. Short, authoritative, rejecting. To people he didn’t know, not to me.

“Erich, here is Julie, here is Juliane.” Two minutes later I was lying in his arms, crying. It took me a long time to somewhat calm down. Then Erich asked me what had happened.

“My husband left me. He’s started an affair with his female boss. She demanded from him to decide between her and me.”

“And now you’ve flown the whole way from California back to here all by yourself?” he asked aghast. How did he know about California? Oh well, from Jan of course.

“No, we’ve been living in Geneva for a few months. Daniel had been transferred there to his company’s European headquarters. He’s manager now.” My voice sounded as if I were proud of it.

Erich looked at me concerned and then gave me a kiss on my forehead.

“Sweetheart, I’ll make us some tea now and something to eat and then we talk.” I wanted the tea and enjoyed the food. But more than what I had told him already did not come over my lips. I became dog-tired and just wanted to take a shower and go to bed.

“Would you like to sleep in one of the guest rooms?” he asked. He still had this concerned look on his face.

“If it is okay with you I’d prefer to sleep with you in your bed”, I whispered. I was afraid and didn’t want to be alone. Erich didn’t understand at once and so I had to repeat my sentence. His face lightened up. Everything was like in old times. It was safe and secure. In bed I was dead tired but I didn’t want to disappoint him. We both had crawled under the covers naked. When I touched his penis it was all soft.

“Nothing has changed?” I asked with a careful look.

He shook his head.

“Ever since our small … celebration: nothing anymore! I have to live with it.” Erich remained totally calm.

“I am content with it if you are”, I whispered into his ear.

Erich’s eyes became moist. Everything was like in old times. Only simpler. I didn’t have to make any decisions any longer. Daniel had left me. I belonged to Erich.

It was late in the morning when I got up. A note on the table in the large kitchen informed me that my partner had gone to the university. He was lecturing there. The estate was all available to me now. I was home. Now I knew where I belonged. I didn’t even care about getting dressed. I was free here.

I wanted to spend the remaining morning with thinking. First I wrote a long SMS to Daniel. I informed him that I had changed my plans. He shouldn’t send my stuff to Stuttgart but rather to …

Before I sent the SMS I thought about my situation. If I gave Daniel my address at Erich he could figure out the rest of the story via Jan. That would destroy everything for good. I still carried a rest of hope in my chest to win Daniel back. I changed my text.

“Have changed my plans. Drove to Cologne. Stay at small hotel. I look for an apartment here. When I have a new address I’ll write you. Then you can send my stuff there.”
No regards. I suppressed my tears and pressed the ‘Send’ button instead. Half an hour later the cell peeped and I read Daniel’s answer:
‘Okay’
. That was all. No regards. I was indifferent to him. Now I couldn’t hold back my tears any longer until I was stretched out on Erich’s bed. I lied on my tummy and pushed my fingers between my legs. Sex calmed me down. However, it would have been simpler if I had a man available. I must have been very exhausted because I didn’t wake up until late afternoon. Relieved I noticed that my recipe was still working. I had been calmer.

The university’s offices were already closed therefore I couldn’t follow up on my plan. Originally I wanted to call there and inquire how I could reinstate my studies. So that was postponed.

Erich came back in the evening and was happy to see that I had prepared dinner. His housekeeper had given notice a while ago and a new one was not in sight. I was glad and told him that it would then be my job. He liked the idea. We started arranging things between us. It would work out.

The whole week passed by in a rhythm that I knew from our previous time together. With one difference. We did not talk about sex any longer.

I started to look for an address where I could have Daniel send my luggage to. I found a storage hall near the airport where you could pick up your items. An SMS to Daniel informed him about that address. Two days later my suitcases had arrived. No regards, no message. Again I cried when I lifted everything into the minibus that I had rented for that purpose. But everything was okay when I drove up to Erich’s – our – house. Everything was peachy for several days.

Until one afternoon when I saw a white van passing the house on the street. The car reminded me of something. It looked like the vehicle that was parked in front of Jan’s door. His friends from the anti-terror squad had taken it away then. The car in which I was abducted in California was of the same make. This flash-back was enough to trigger a panic attack in me. It probably was just a transporter like thousand others. But my nerves were on the edge for hours. I briefly thought about calling Jan and ask him for help. But again embarrassment and shame overwhelmed me. I couldn’t stand getting rejected by him also.

In the evening while watching TV I guided my questions to a subject that I had avoided from the day of my arrival at Erich’s house to the very day. Erich noticed my angst and turned off the TV set.

“What’s the matter with you? You look so timid.”

“Erich, today I saw a car that reminded me of Horst. That triggered a whole bunch of fears in me. I am afraid that he comes here to get me back to him.” I only mentioned Horst because I believed that Erich couldn’t know anything about Igor.

“Dear Lord. You turned all pale in your face when you mentioned his name. You really shouldn’t have any fear any more. Horst is still sitting in jail so it couldn’t be him.”

“How do you know?” My future husband was silent for a moment. We had not been married yet but I had decided to point that subject out to him carefully if and when there was an opportune moment. Now it wasn’t that moment.

“Once in a while I talk with Tanja”, he said then with a strange expression in his face. A light bulb went on in my head. That was what was so threatening.

“You are together with her?” I asked breathlessly. Again there was silence for a while, nothing came from his mouth.

“What should I have done?” he replied very calmly. “You were the woman I loved most in my life. Then you left me.” That was correct. I was the one who abandoned him.

“Tanja was ‘ready’ for me once before, as we might say. In the beginning I paid Horst for her services. She knows my situation, we like one another. Now she was alone, I was alone. I need a little bit of warmth. You understand that, don’t you?” I nodded. Suddenly I became aware that nothing was like it had been before. Once again I allowed my dreams and desires to deceive me.

“But then I am not at all at home here but I am only a temporary guest?” I insisted quietly.

“No, I don’t want that. You may stay here as long as you please. I feel guilty. I owe you that.” That stabbed me right into the heart. He was guilty? If anybody was guilty then it was me. Not only that I had left him. Three dead bodies. Alan, Robert, Diego. I had cheated on Daniel from morning to night. And what else? Oh well, Irene. I wasn’t honest with her either.
‘Guilty as charged’
, on TV they always showed the confession of the accused at that point.

On my inside I resigned. I had lied to and betrayed everybody who was close to me. I didn’t deserve to live on or to better my life. I accepted those self-accusations now and it actually calmed me down. Come there what may be. Either Erich would kick me out one day or Horst was being released from prison and come and pick me up. The fate I was expecting was well deserved.

I had betrayed everybody in my close environment. My friends in the USA. Bruce, Ingvar, Pete, Ron. And over here Jan who had trusted me. Daniel. Erich. Tanja who had gotten a beating because I was not careful enough. And in principal also Horst and Igor. I had played along with their games and had provoked them so they wanted to put me in their brothel.

Erich couldn’t read my thoughts. He only sensed that I started to relax. I leaned my head onto his shoulder and he caressed me.

“Everything will work out alright. We stay together. Nothing has changed.” I knew better.

A whole week passed by in its old familiar rhythm and I found back to myself. What dawned on me slowly was the fact that I missed having sex. Erich was impotent and quickly lost his interest in manual sex play. It didn’t satisfy him nor did it help me. A well-known state crept into my head. The emptiness that I had first felt when Daniel had moved out to Stuttgart. Masturbation only helped for a short while.

It was obvious that my overreaching contacts to men and women alike had conditioned me in a way that my body demanded more and more. It was like an addiction.

I had been living with Erich for a month. One morning he said good bye just as we had talked about. An experiment waited for him in Hamburg and he would spend the entire week up there. I stayed back by myself.

“Will you meet up with Jan in Hamburg?” I asked him at the door where the cab to the airport had been waiting for him.

“Yes, of course. Do you want me to give him your regards?”

“No, please under no circumstances. He must not know that I have left Daniel. I don’t want him to despise me also.” Erich looked into my eyes probingly.

“Ah, I remember the two of them are friends. Don’t worry I will not mention anything to him about you. I might just get another lecture from him. Whereas at the time he was absolutely right about it.” In thoughts he got into the cab and left me standing there.

The house was oppressively quiet. The emptiness rolled over me like a black ocean.

The next morning I intended to spend at the university; so I got up early. I was not yet permitted to pick up my studies where I had left them because I was missing some credits but I could sit in on some lectures. Nobody would ask me if I had been formally registered. It was like before.