Heroine: California Dreamin' (7 page)

Irene was already in the living room and called out for me when I pushed back the drawer. I hadn’t locked the front door when I returned from the garage. Cheeringly she flung her arms around my neck. First she was quite joyful but then lines of worry crossed her pretty face.

“Darling, you don’t look too well. Are you feeling sick?” she asked with a motherly voice.

It was the first time since I could remember that somebody told me I wasn’t looking good; but I took it at face value.

“Well, the usual monthly female trouble”, I replied flippantly. “I am so glad that you came. Now I can finally talk to somebody. But I am especially anxious to find out more about the job from you.”

“One after the other, baby”, she retorted quite ‘matronizingly’ as I believed.

“First we must deal with this cop who had raped you. I feel quite guilty that I haven’t told Charles yet. But now since he’s prepared to do something about your visa we might just as well let him know the full story. He needs to have this officer arrested I insist on it.”

I clasped my mouth in horror.

“By all means, please do not talk to Charles about it. I would die if your husband finds out anything about it”, I panted. Didn’t she just mention he should have Robert arrested? Then she didn’t know anything about the lieutenant’s demise?!

“He can’t have him arrested any longer. The guy is dead”, I said quite calm again.

“What are you talking about? Julie, you didn’t take things in your own hands, did you? If that becomes public!”

I interrupted her.

“Stop here. No, that is no reason to get all upset. I have nothing to do with it.” This lie came out of my mouth so smooth that I amazed myself.

“That criminal had a car accident. Didn’t you listen to any news this weekend?” Despite the shocking news Irene revealed a broad grin and her cheeks blushed.

“Darling! I would have killed anybody who would have brought me any such news this weekend. Stanley and I hardly left our bed. I can’t tell you enough how grateful I am to you for telling me where to find that boy.” Suddenly Irene looked like a young love-struck girl. I was happy for her from the bottom of my heart. For a moment I saw a small line on her forehead and her eyes seemed to show some mistrust.

“Don’t worry, Irene. What happened between Stanley and me was a onetime thing. I do not want to see him again. Daniel takes up all my time currently and nothing would have happened anyway if Daniel wouldn’t have left me alone for a few days. I was so outraged then and just wanted to take revenge. In hindsight I could still smack myself for it. In the future I will certainly get out of your friend’s way wherever I can”, I calmed her down.

Irene’s happiness returned and for a while she blabbered on about her excursion with Stanley. Then she came back to the subject ‘Robert’.

“But we must do something about it. I want that Charles starts an investigation to find out if there are more officers involved with covering up for their own people, you know, in case one of them rapes a woman once in a while or commits some other crimes. Didn’t you tell me that this Gutierrez wanted to force you into prostitution?” My bellyache flared up again.

“Please Irene. That is what I wanted to discuss with you urgently today. Robert doesn’t live anymore. I don’t want him to be able to harm me any further beyond his grave. He worked alone because otherwise his accomplices would have visited me a long time ago.” Suddenly I wasn’t so sure about that. I just remembered that I hadn’t given it a single thought so far that he might have an accomplice.

“Oh my, you really do not feel well. Your face is as white as chalk”, uttered Irene obviously concerned about me.

“Yes, I just remembered what the guy had done to me. It is hard for me to deal with it, Irene, please you’ll help me the most if we keep all of that a secret. I need your help because that scumbag took pictures of me when …” I swallowed several times, “… he tormented me. He was a sadist who intended to sell me to his perverted customers. He did not only want to make me a prostitute, he wanted much more. He took pictures of me that were supposed to turn these pigs on. With a gag in my mouth, and so.” Now it was Irene who suddenly turned pale as chalk.

“I feel so ashamed”, I continued. “But I must find those pictures before police or someone else get a hold of them. Daniel would lose his mind if he learned about it. I know him he’d run amok and I would lose him. But what might even be worse if my family in Germany would find out about it. They would simply disown me.” This was also a first thought. It made me sad when I imagine that it would indeed be the case. My parents were people I didn’t trust.

“You understand now that all I can do is to keep it a secret. I would die if I had to talk about that with cops or even testify before a judge. Gutiérrez can no longer be punished. But for me it would be like capital punishment if his crimes became public.”

“But we need to do something?! All of that can’t remain unpunished?” Irene stammered.

“Most importantly we need to find these photographs and destroy them. You can help me with that. I don’t know where this lieutenant lived. Could you find that out for me? I would like to go into his apartment and get what is mine. Please!”

First my girlfriend didn’t say a word; then she nodded.

“Good. I will find out about his last current address. Then we’ll go there together. But after that we’ll talk about it again. I simply can’t imagine that there was nobody in the police force who was his accomplice. We have to find out. Then we think about how we can keep you out of this mess.” I gave in although I had no good feeling about it.

“Let’s talk about my job now”, I changed the subject. Otherwise this misery will make us look old.” I had everything I wanted, although within limits.

“In a minute”, replied Irene. “But before that I would like to know how this scumbag died. Did you really have nothing to do with it?” She looked at me skeptically.

“I wouldn’t mind if you had killed him”, she continued. “That pig has surely deserved to be killed. But our authorities have no understanding for that, no mercy. They would drag you to court.”

That’s just what I needed! My stomach turned upside down. To confess to Irene what really had happened? Impossible! Her son was somehow involved in the whole thing and Irene would never forgive me if that became public. That is not to say that I didn’t want to talk with somebody about everything and although Irene was my best friend. But I simply couldn’t do so. However I could reveal to her my feelings in all honesty.

“I was really elated when I heard on the news that he was dead”, I said very calmly.

“I know it is a sin”, I sighed. “Nobody should celebrate the death of a human being. I was taught that in my upbringing. But I simply couldn’t feel any differently. This lieutenant was run over by his own car. He had parked it at a sloping driveway. As simple as that. They showed it on TV. That idiot simply forgot to properly fasten his emergency brake; the car set into motion and squashed him against the wall of the garage. Apparently he lied there in the sun for a whole week before they found him. Just imagine he was in LA for a week and wanted to come back last week. I was absolutely terrified …”

The tears that shot from my eyes were real. I couldn’t speak anymore, the pressure was simply too great. The entire tension of the last few days unloaded in this dramatic seizure – I didn’t need to act out anything. I only needed somebody who would hold me tight; and Irene did that.

I lay on her knees for quite a while and cried without stopping. She caressed my hair and I calmed down after some time.

“Darling. Everything is fine. The bastard received his deserved punishment and now you are with me. I’ll protect you and look after you.”

It still took a few minutes until I got myself together again so I could get up.

“I must look horrible”, I said with some tormented look.

“Yes, you do”, she replied with a malicious grin. Again I flung my arms around her neck. With that little quip she dissolved all the tension and I laughed and cried at the same time. I loved her. Finally a woman who stood up for me unconditionally. No competition, no jealousy, no moral lectures.

I still told her some more details about Robert’s death which I had picked up from the news on TV all weekend long. Then I insisted to learn more from her about the job she wanted to give me. In general it was some simple office work such as copying files or reports for the media and collecting them in documents on a computer.

I was also curious to find out how she would go about getting me a social security number. In my view that seemed to be quite impossible because with a social security number I could stay in the country practically without restrictions. And the authorities in this country were extremely strict about the subject.

Irene mentioned that I could even get a work visa. Somehow that appeared to me as likely as to robbing Fort Knox or as to spray graffiti on Air Force One.

“How will you do that?” I asked her breathlessly. She impressed me more and more. “Your husband can’t simply bypass the current laws?”

“Well, he won’t”, she replied snappishly. “But he will do that for me because I demand it from him. As I’ve told you before he has permanently some affairs with some young women. With that he fell into situations a few times that could cost a prosecutor his or her job. And I helped him out of it. So when he expects from me that I watch his back then he must do what I want him to do. His aspirations are to become senator some day. And last but not least he very much depends on my money.”

“But I do not understand how he will go about it?” I insisted.

“That is his problem. And it is better that you don’t know everything about it. Just give me your passport and leave everything else up to me. After that you must keep your mouth shut. This talk here never had happened.” She winked at me.

Everything cool! I still hesitated for a moment then I got up fetched my passport and gave it to her. Why did Irene do that for me? I looked up to her questioningly.

“I do that because I love you sweetie. But not because we were in bed together. There is more behind it.” The sound of her voice was completely matter-of-factly when she said it.

“I’ve asked myself the whole time how you’ve managed that I am so hooked on you”, she continued calmly.

“The last time I was intimate with a girl like you was in high school. Until recently I believed that women can’t turn me on. And that is still true. But you made my head spin.” For a few seconds she looked at the ceiling with dreamy eyes. I felt uncertain and slowly angst crept up my spine again.

“You’ve awakened deep instincts in me, my psychiatrist said; I talked with him for many hours.” I remembered that anybody in California who could afford it had his or her own psycho-therapist. It was a virtual status symbol. Perhaps one day I could work here as a therapist? This short dream created some great longing in me. Irene continued.

“My therapist questioned me for a long time and then had a rather smart explanation. My belly aches had indeed disappeared once we both understood what was behind it.” Her probing glance in my direction only increased my angst. Did I do something wrong? This question was nonsense. With all the chaos that I’ve been spreading all around me it was certainly impossible to find even a trace of a meaningful action.

“Please Juliane, there is no need for you to be embarrassed. I’ll continue to love you but I also wanted to share what Dr. Champlain had revealed to me. Oh dear, you are as pale as a bed sheet! Do you want me to get you some water?” I shook my head.

“No, please continue. It’s just at this very moment I feel very, very much ashamed.  I do not know why! But I have the feeling that I did everything wrong.” Somewhere behind my eyes tears started to collect and only waited that somebody would open the floodgate. Irene bent forward and put her hands on my knees.

“Look, you are such a charming person that one cannot resist you at all. Dr. Champlain thought that you cannot differentiate between your desire for closeness and intimacy and your sexuality.” I looked at Irene as if she had just told me something in a foreign language.

“I don’t understand”, I replied in all honesty.

“He thinks that, as a kid, you developed a kind of strategy that puts you into the position to seduce people. It is not sex that is most important for you but rather your desire for closeness and affection. Somebody is supposed to listen to you, take you seriously, you know. Now you’ve developed into an adult woman with an appearance that attracts everybody. This is where this strategy from your childhood interferes with …”

“To be honest I still can’t follow you”, I interrupted her. All that was quite confusing.

“In principle it is quite simple. You are using sexual signals for communication. For you that is like a language by itself.” From my facial expression she deduced that I hadn’t understood anything.

“Leave it be. However I finally understood that you need something else than to go to bed with me. You need somebody who takes you in her or his arms, who listens to you, who allows you to show weakness and so on.” Now I could comprehend that and I relaxed a bit.

“Sex between the two of us is not the right thing. In the future I will take you in my arms and comfort you when you need it but I will no longer sleep with you.” She still looked calm and clear, and I slowly understood that she wanted to help me. She sighed.