He's Just Not Up for It Anymore (8 page)

A 58-year-old woman says of her 51-year-old husband of three years:

He wasn’t sexual to begin with and with his heart condition and the medications, sex has really been lacking. We have a good relationship; it just lacks sex.

Obviously, this woman was aware that her marriage wasn’t going to be very sexual, although her husband’s health issues and medications intensified the situation. A “good relationship” is impossible without love, kindness, and understanding, which they seem to have. Hopefully, her husband’s lack of desire and inability to be sexual does not preclude them being physical with each other—touching, holding hands, and kissing. A lack of physical contact can be more devastating to a marriage than a lack of sex.

It is also quite possible that she is content, at this time of her life, to be in this type of marriage, and her husband’s condition allows her to be, without pressure from him to change.

Another woman, 51, said that her 56-year-old husband suffered from inhibited ejaculation, ED, and depression, and he was taking not

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medication that diminished his sex drive. Nevertheless, she says that an “open” marriage allows them to thrive.

My husband suffers from chronic pain that is exacerbated by most sexual activities. Our relationship is consensually open and he is friends with my other lovers. We are happy together.

The polyamorous (multiple-partnered or “open”) marriage that this woman is describing is clearly not for most. Although the lack of available partners has resulted in certain cultures encouraging marriage between a man and several women, a culture where a female has several husbands is far rarer. This is because, historically, the reason for multiple partners was propagation of the species, and women can give birth once a year, at most. A harem, however, can allow one male to father many offspring.

The concept of multiple marriage (or emotionally committed) partners is generally condemned in our society and has been illegal since the nineteenth century. The very idea of a spouse having a sexual relationship with someone else is (usually) a threat to our most primal needs—the survival of the family, and our own feelings of security and self-worth.

This couple has chosen it as a way of life—the key to keeping their marriage intact and a far more honest choice than infidelity. But why so many partners? There may be safety in numbers; the fact that she has many lovers might be easier for her husband to accept than just one special companion.

A 28-year-old who identified herself as “intensely sexual” has not yet married her fiancé, also 28. He suffers from ED but has not seen a urologist. She intends to go through with the wedding in spite of his being “not a very sexual person, and shy.”

The woman we just quoted is not about to walk down the aisle; she’s about to march through a minefield. She’s highly sexual; he’s not.

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He suffers from ED, but won’t see a doctor. And, by the way, she never mentions love. What’s remarkable is his refusal to try and solve a problem that is unlikely to disappear after marriage, and her acceptance of the situation. Why is she going through with this marriage? We can only speculate, but he might have something she wants, like power or money, that makes sexual compatibility less important. Or her “intense” sexuality may give her what she perceives as an upper hand.

She may see his ED as insurance against infidelity.

Some women told us that a life without sex
was preferable to living alone.

Others told us, with honesty and clarity, that a life without sex was preferable to living alone, even if it wasn’t all they had hoped for.

As a 59-year-old woman married to her husband (53) for three years put it:

I know there’s a lot to be said for pure companionship, but that’s not what I was looking for. He is a good husband for the most part. I feel that I’m too old to be on my own or go out and find someone else.

And sometimes, with a combination of effort and patience, the story can have a happy ending. The following woman’s does. She’s 45, her husband is 53. They didn’t have intercourse before marriage, because he told her things such as: “I am very nervous because I haven’t had sex in three years.” She loved him, he loved her, and they married anyway. When things didn’t improve, she initially blamed herself. “I took all the responsibility for not having sex. I thought it was because I wasn’t fashion-magazine beautiful, or thin, or not creative enough.”

After two years of this, she decided to try and improve the situation, not

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ultimately learning that her appearance had nothing whatsoever to do with the problem, which turned out to be hormonal. His testosterone was significantly below normal. She expresses the resolution to their problem with eloquence:

It took a great deal of research and insistence to get him to go to a urologist specializing in sexual dysfunction. It was diagnosed that he had very low testosterone, which not only accounted for his ED, but his lack of energy, low sex drive, and depression. His urologist literally saved our marriage from becoming “roommates with a joint bank account.” He is now healthy and sexually dynamic, thanks to hormone replacement therapy and the judicious use of an erectile enhancement drug.

He and I are enjoying a honeymoon phase in the third year of our relationship. If I had been surer of myself, this could have happened on our actual honeymoon. I think that women have to stop feeling that they are the sole focus of their mate’s sex drive.

We applaud this woman’s bravery and tenacity, and we admire her husband’s courage, too. He was willing to talk, listen, and find a solution and to put his wife’s needs ahead of his possible embarrassment.

Those first conversations, after she decided she wanted more and would try to improve the intimate side of their lives, must have been difficult. After all, she had married him accepting that the relationship would likely be platonic, and he had no reason to expect things to change. She was able to shift her thinking away from herself, and with the support of her partner and their physician, find a solution. A testosterone level that is low enough to cause her husband’s symptoms is rare, as we discuss in chapter 11. But it can happen. Neuro-chemistry is a young science, and there are still numerous unanswered questions. This respondent puts it well:

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It is such a complex thing, this commingling of the emotional, mental, and physical that makes up our sexuality. There should be much more open, honest talking about it.

WHY SOME MEN SAY “I WON’T”

AFTER SAYING “I DO”

Fourteen men, ranging in age from 24 to 72, said that there was no honeymoon period to their marriage; the sex stopped immediately after taking the vows. In all cases of this limited sample, the guys reported that their wives were not sexually adventurous and didn’t seem to enjoy sex, and all said that they themselves were angry. The following 46-year-old man is about to leave his wife of twenty-two years:

My wife has no interest in sex. Never has. Both of us were churchgoing virgins when we got married. Ten years ago, she decided she wanted children and she directed the sex, of course, to eventually have our family. The sex was clinical and I don’t remember it. My wife and I are like brother and sister. I feel a lot of anger toward her that I suppress. I am having an affair now and will be leaving my marriage for another woman—

a real woman. Finally, I am wanted and desired. I am salvaging what is left of my manhood. I feel like I am waking up after too long a sleep and it is wondrous. I had no idea how great a blow job feels!

This couple started out with an advantage in that they shared the same points of view about religion and premarital sex. However, they seem to have abstained from conversation, too. They should have discussed their feelings about how important a role, if any, they wanted sex to play in their married life. From what he writes, it appears that not

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his wife believed that sex was for procreation only, and they didn’t consummate the marriage until, twelve years later, it was time to start a family. All he remembers about this is that he doesn’t remember it.

Now, at the age of 46, he’s having his first real sexual experience with a woman who seems to enjoy both lovemaking and him. He is filled with joy, preparing to leave his wife and children and begin a new life with a partner who believes in premarital sex (even with a married man). We assume his religious beliefs have shifted. Although his previous relationship might have appeared to have a strong foundation in the beginning, serious issues were never discussed. Things that made him angry were “suppressed” along with his sex drive. The downfall of this marriage was caused by everything that was never said.

The next man was 24 years old when he married his 24-year-old bride. Similar to the man we just quoted, they were in their early 20s when they married, and they had abstained from premarital sex and all intimate conversation. They are now divorced.

She was a virgin when we married. I was taught to treat a woman with sensitivity and honor. She did not seem to crave me or sex in general, and whenever we would attempt intercourse, the image of me hurting her would cause me to lose my erection. I think it would have helped if she ever initiated sex, but she didn’t. So I never felt desired, and that just added to the problem when we attempted intercourse. To make things worse, we never openly discussed what was going on and why.

I’m not certain I would know how if I had the chance.

We asked him if he could do things over, what he would have done differently. His response is poignant. It centers on communicating with honesty, which might have saved their marriage.

1. Find the courage, and words, to talk to her about what was going on inside of me.

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2. Seek counseling.

3. Ask her to take the initiative, sometimes.

4. Tell her I need to feel desired.

5. Work in counseling to discover and treat the core issues needing attention.

6. Not allow the two of us to drift apart and divorce.

WOMEN TRY TO UNDERSTAND WHY THE

HONEYMOON WAS LEFT AT THE ALTAR

Young girls brought up on romance novels, fairy tales, and “happily ever after” imagine that their honeymoon will be a romantic, magical, passionate time. The night is expected to be a celebration of sex and love. The inexperienced and naïve (or those engaging in wishful thinking) may hope that marriage will finally make their nonrespon-sive partner passionate. It therefore can be a trauma when there is no intimacy on the honeymoon. The marriage may not be consummated, and the pain and disappointment can be too embarrassing to discuss with anyone. Many women think their situation is unique. As one 50-year-old woman, now divorced, said:

I was really glad to see this survey and know it wasn’t just me, that there are other women out there with husbands like mine.

A 33-year-old woman with two young children, married for ten years to her 35-year-old husband, wrote that she was determined to

“kill her sexuality” to remain married and faithful. She called it the

“sacrifice of a wife and mother.” She was depressed, however, and said she felt her husband “cheated” her by not revealing his lack of desire prior to marriage. She had no way of knowing, since they decided not to have sex until after they were married.

not

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Abstinence may be a convenient way to cover up extreme
sexual repression, or a very low libido.

We don’t question remaining abstinent prior to marriage for religious or moral reasons, any more than we would question premarital sex. These are deeply personal, religious, and spiritual decisions.

However, we do strongly question those couples who choose celibacy before marriage and also omit any discussions about what they hope the intimate part of their lives will be like after the wedding.

Abstinence may be a convenient way to cover up extreme sexual repression, or a very low libido.

Some women reported a lot of passion prior to the honeymoon, when it suddenly came to a stop. This 51-year-old recently divorced woman was married to her 52-year-old husband for thirty years: We were very sexually active prior to marriage. Once married, I think he saw me as his mother. Seven years later we had a child, and the sex totally ended. He has always hated his mother and projected angry feelings onto me. We are currently divorced.

When in their teens or early 20s, her future husband had no difficulty becoming aroused by a “bad” girl; that is, one willing to have sex outside of marriage. After the wedding, intimacy was no longer exciting, because the “bad” girl was now “good.” Once that “good” girl became a mother, the sex stopped completely. If he did, indeed, despise his mother, this may have compounded his problem even more. It is amazing how powerful this type of “good girl/bad girl” psychological scenario can be, managing to suppress the passion of even very young men.

The following woman, 40, has been married to her 47-year-old husband for six years:

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I believe it was the chase. He pursued me with great determination; then, on the honeymoon, he lost interest. It was like a conquest for him.

This is an interesting statement. If her husband wanted only a

“conquest,” he probably would have “lost interest” either immediately after the first sexual encounter or after the wedding date was set. Instead, he went through with the wedding, but had no desire to make love to his new bride, not even on the honeymoon. This could be yet another example of a guy unable to be aroused by a “good” woman—

his wife.

But there is something we haven’t yet considered. It’s possible for a man to have such diminished self-esteem that he is unable to be attracted to a woman once she becomes his spouse, reminiscent of a note Groucho Marx wrote to the Beverly Hills Country Club: “Please accept my resignation. I don’t want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.”