He's Just Not Up for It Anymore (11 page)

Men view fellatio as an ultimate expression of love, commitment, adoration, tenderness, and temporary surrender. Unlike intercourse, it’s also a time for a guy to just sit back and enjoy the ride, which may be the easiest explanation for its wide appeal. But many women, because of anger, or because they were never asked, or because they simply don’t enjoy doing it, are not willing to make this a part of their lovemaking. The following quotations are a few examples of numerous variations on the same theme:

Wife is not open to oral sex or other options. (Male, 68/

Wife, 67)

When we have sex
(
five times last year
)
, I have to make the first move and then it is the straight missionary position. She is not adventurous, so no question of oral or other activities. (Male, 52/ Wife, 47)

She has one position and that’s it, never changes. No foreplay.

No oral sex. (Male, 60/ Wife, 49)

She always thought that oral sex was “dirty” and something

“normal people” just did not do. The few times we tried, it was obvious that she felt pressured to do it. (Male, 42) But are these men performing cunnilingus if their wives want them to? In the Elle Magazine/MSNBC survey we mentioned earlier, 92

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58 percent of the men claimed that their partner doesn’t like receiving oral sex, although only 20 percent of the women said they were uncomfortable with the act.

We are not suggesting that any person should do something he or she is uncomfortable with, but we will unequivocally state that not giving is a sure way of not receiving.

Most times, she was fairly disengaged, and wanted to get it over with as quickly as possible. She would sometimes “allow”

me to perform oral sex on her, and that was one of the few ways I was able to get her involved. She would not reciprocate.

(Male, 40s)

It is possible that men who claim their wives aren’t sexually adventurous aren’t particularly adventurous themselves. If, however, a woman won’t perform fellatio, and her husband really wants her to and he is willing to lustily give her oral sex in return, we would urge her to rethink her position. Not giving oral sex can be a symbol of rejection to many men. And doing it can be a beautiful, healing, and, yes, sexy, thing. It can deepen a relationship, and be empowering—the giver is in control. It is also a wonderful thing to give pleasure to someone you love. If a woman is unsure of exactly what to do, there are a number of good books, but probably none better than any edition of
The Joy of
Sex.
Unfortunately,
How I Kept My Husband
is no longer in print.

Is “Not Sexually Adventurous” Code for “She Isn’t Giving Me Positive Feedback”?

If 68 percent of the men said their partners lacked adventure, almost as many said that their partners didn’t seem to enjoy sex. This may be true, for a variety of reasons. He may not be doing anything all that enjoyable, or she may not be able to verbalize her feelings. For a lot of men, a partner who tells them they are sexy, hot, and terrific in bed predictable, boring, unadventurous sex

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becomes a great lover himself. That’s pretty much all it takes. These guys don’t want a silent partner, they want applause. Men tend to be goal oriented; they like to know that objectives have been reached.

Other men may be right; their wives may not have a lot of interest.

These guys may be good lovers, or trying their best to be, but negative body image, health, anger, vaginal dryness, low libido, or a variety of other psychological or physiological issues may stop their wives from wanting or enjoying sex. Hurt, rejected, and not talking about it—

they shut down.

The emotional drain of having to ask for sex repeatedly, be promised, and then turned down became insulting. Being tossed a “favor” now and then is worse than having to buy sex, which I’ve never done. It is not the simple act of orgasm—that’s easy enough to fix—but the idea of being wanted, touched, and satisfying someone else that is the real glue in a relationship. (Male, 30s)

Women frequently complain that they want more out of sex than just the end result; the man just quoted feels the same way. He wants an emotional connection; he wants to be loved. He thinks his wife is a tease, and that she sees lovemaking as a chore to be doled out in small amounts, because she has to.

My wife likes cuddling but she doesn’t like it when I try to be intimate. She will submit occasionally but then complain about how messy she feels. She seems to think that sex isn’t for people over 50, and that I am obsessed by it. I never thought I would consider an affair, but I am considering one now. (Male, 54/ Wife, 51)

The couple in the preceding quote is on opposite sides of the bed.

Her idea of intimacy and connecting is cuddling, his is sex. There is 94

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nothing wrong with either, but they are very different ways of expressing love. She is making him feel badly about wanting to have sex with his wife. He is withdrawing and fantasizing about an affair. Neither seem able to put themselves in their spouse’s place, and sadly, they really aren’t that far apart.

Is “Not Sexually Adventurous” Code for “She

Doesn’t Want Me Enough”?

Some of our male respondents complained that their wives were never the ones to suggest making love. In their minds, adventurous seems to mean any sign of enthusiasm, a seductive suggestion or touch, a feeling of being desired. The following quotations are from men who say they never feel desired.

In my 40s, I decided to stop and wait for my wife to initiate some form of intimacy. It never happened, so I came to the conclusion she didn’t like that part of me. My wife is still very attractive. I’m not sure why she lost her desire to stop being intimate. I guess I’m angry that I try to respect the things she likes and give her everything she wants, but my simple needs are not important to her. As you may be able to tell, we don’t communicate very well but we have a very happy marriage otherwise. (Male, 57, married to his 59-year-old wife for thirty-five years) This couple stopped having a sexual relationship ten years ago. At that time, the man decided to give his wife a test. He wasn’t going to have sex with her unless she initiated. They had been married for twenty years or so and she was used to him being the aggressor. Since he didn’t tell her the game had new rules, she likely thought
he
was no longer interested in making love to
her
. This might have caused her to be angry, or imagine an infidelity, or think that she was no predictable, boring, unadventurous sex

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longer attractive, especially since the rules changed right around the time she was beginning menopause. Who knows? She also may have been relieved. The point is, her husband never asked. He preferred to be angry, resentful, hurt, and celibate, stating the obvious when he says, “We don’t communicate very well.”

This man is trying hard to show what a great husband he is. He gives his wife “everything she wants” and is part of a “very happy marriage” in spite of the lack of sex and conversation. Although he may have set out to prove his wife really desired him, it’s equally possible that he always knew she would fail the test. That way, he could stop having sex with her, and take no responsibility. The blame shifts to her; and he can believe she never really liked sex. In his mind, he’s still the good guy.

She doesn’t have the interest, especially any adventuresome approach. She rarely makes the first move and often pushed me away. (Male, 54/ Wife, 51)

Many women still operate under the quaint rule that it’s up to the man to initiate sex. But they don’t say this, and the guy ends up feeling rejected. In the preceding case, however, her frequent rejection is compounding the problem. This man has given up. Whether or not he’s doing anything to encourage passion isn’t the point (he thinks he is); he’s been turned down or put off so many times, sex no longer seems worth the effort.

She has NEVER initiated sex, not once, in our married life together. (Male, 67, married for twenty-seven years) One of the most popular male sexual fantasies is a sexually aggressive woman. She initiates, takes charge in bed, and tells him what to do and when to do it. It is the opposite of the role most men 96

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find themselves in. That being said, some of those same men may feel threatened if their partners suddenly became aggressive. Fantasies often don’t play out very well when they become real.

WHO’S ON TOP?

For some men, the idea of a woman not being sexually adventurous enough may be code for control—specifically, who’s in charge here?

The 56-year-old man in the following quote complained that his wife called all the shots in bed:

She controls the speed that I perform, the proper angles, how long it takes, and what positions we are in. Only the missionary will do. I long ago lost interest in her.

And this man in his 40s is married to a woman who plays the role of “expert,” pointing out all the things that go wrong in bed: She became frequently critical of the affection I showed sexual or otherwise. Everything was too soon, too late, too much or too little. I eventually filtered the commentary out but in the process I lost interest in her on many levels. (Male, 40s) The following 30-year-old man also indicates that his wife is a tough critic:

When we were first married she led me to believe that she was somewhat naïve about sex. But she always seemed to find some little problem with our lovemaking, like not lasting long enough, not enough foreplay, or I was too quiet (I don’t talk to her).

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It is likely that this man wasn’t very sexually sophisticated when he married, and it was less threatening that his wife seemed lacking in experience, too. Whether or not she was really sexually “naïve” is unimportant (and his hint that she wasn’t indicates a serious lack of trust); her complaints about not enough foreplay and not lasting long enough are not “little problems” at all. They are serious issues and are preventing her from optimal enjoyment.

Most men are relieved to be told what their
wives want in bed.

She is communicating her needs, but without sensitivity. Hurt and angry, her partner isn’t listening. And that’s too bad. Most men are relieved to be told what their wives want in bed; a road map to keep them heading in the right direction can be very welcome. If this woman said something like “Sweetie, I really enjoy making love with you, but I need a little more time to get aroused. It would be wonderful if . . .” it would work a lot better than being critical. It is difficult to overemphasize how lacking in confidence most people are about their lovemaking skills.

NO SENSE OF ADVENTURE? SAYS WHO?

When asked if “I’m not sexually adventurous enough for him” was an accurate description of why their husbands stopped being intimate, the majority of our female respondents all but jumped up and shouted

“Hell, no!” Eighty-six percent disagreed with this statement, and even more women (90%) disagreed with “I don’t seem to enjoy sex.” When asked “How sexual do you feel at this point in your life?” 56 percent said “intensely,” or “very.” Of those remaining, 27 percent considered 98

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themselves to be average. Less than 3 percent reported not feeling sexy at all. Many women seemed to think it was their husbands who are lacking in adventure, and more. A 35-year-old woman told us something reminiscent of so many of the male respondents: “He thinks oral sex and sex in any position other than missionary is per-verted.” A 45-year-old woman described her selfish and emotionally disconnected husband like this: “He tends to forget I’m there; he only worries about what he wants. He doesn’t touch me very often, but always expects oral from me.”

A 45-year-old registered nurse wrote that she was relieved that her physician husband stopped being sexual with her.

He’s a medical doctor so you would think he would have an edge with his extensive knowledge of anatomy and physiol-ogy. He doesn’t have a clue. He is very clumsy, he usually turns all of the lights off, and he doesn’t seem to know where his arms and legs are in relation to mine. Because of this he often pokes me. I tried candles so he could see. He would not bathe before sex and had body odor. When I realized he did not consider me special enough to want to please me I made a 360-degree turn and started to focus on myself. I finally told him to sleep in another bedroom and that if we are EVER sexual again it will be me who decides when it will occur and that our intimate relationship will have to be based on real attachment and not mindless sex. I am taking control of my own sexuality.

We asked her what that meant.

I love erotica (romance stories). I still believe in love. I do not have a problem with sex toys. Right now I am learning what I like and what is good for me. I am not trying to please someone else. I refuse to participate in bad sex. I want quality, meaningful sex. Otherwise, he can keep it.

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We also asked what she thought the future would be for them as a couple.

He is very motivated. He has gone to our pastor and admitted he has been selfish and unloving. He is going into counseling and allowing himself to be mentored by other men in the church. When he makes some progress, I will join him in counseling. We are finally talking, and he is open to learning how to be a “good lover.” He is examining his insecurities about sex. I am trying to get him to understand that marriage is supposed to be a safe place. If he can learn these things, there is hope.

Sex in a long-term marriage will probably never
be as frequent and delicious as it once was,
and if that’s what you expect, you are setting
yourself and your partner up to fail.

In an earlier chapter, we spoke of the need for individualization and creativity to keep a marriage sexually active. The woman we just quoted who has decided to start taking responsibility for her own happiness may well discover that when her husband realizes she isn’t someone to take for granted and is more like a new pair of spike heels than an old pair of sneakers, her marriage improves dramatically.