He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships (34 page)

Noticing What Your Narcissistic Little Voice Notices

Allow your narcissistic impulses to outweigh your good judgment and there are so many different ways in which you can choose the wrong partners and reject the right ones that it’s almost impossible to categorize. Have you ever been involved in any of the following situations?

• When Al meets a woman, he starts out by telling her all the ways in which
he
is special. He tries to impress her by showing her his nice car, his good apartment. He talks about his interesting job, his interesting hobbies, his interesting neuroses. Once he has proven that he is special, he then turns around and tells her that she is special. Instead of taking her time and evaluating the situation and the man over time, she buys into his pitch. She thinks,
Gosh, he’s special and he thinks I’m special. Then I guess I am special
. She doesn’t look below his surface presentation, which is often pure hogwash, but she won’t find that out until later.

• When Cynthia first meets a man, she manages to let him know about all the men who have found her attractive. She tells him how beautiful she is and how lovable she is and how “picky” she is. He listens to this, and he thinks,
I guess she’s pretty desirable, and if I’m with her, people will notice that I’m with a woman that every man wants
. The fact that she is difficult, demanding, and spoiled will not occur to him for a long time.

• Bruce and Elaine have been going together for three years. Bruce loves Elaine. She is wonderful to him—kind, thoughtful, caring, supportive, but he’s not sure about this marriage business. Maybe if she were a little bit different. She’s pretty enough, but knowing her as well as he does, he knows how she shaves her legs and how she gets a little bit of acne on her back every month. Let’s face it, she’s not one hundred percent perfect, and he worries she may get fat someday. He meets another woman. She’s younger and thinner. He breaks up with Elaine—whom he acknowledges he probably still loves—and leaps into this new relationship, all the while worrying that it may be the biggest mistake of his life. But he can’t help himself.

• Didi is in a very obsessive relationship with a man who is unfaithful and difficult. When Didi and Doug met, he made her feel that she was desirable and completely loved. When his behavior changed, she immediately felt unattractive and unloved. She feels as though without him, she doesn’t exist.

• Bobbie’s husband is a good man. He’s thoughtful and decent and hardworking and smart, and he loves her. He doesn’t make as much money as some of the other husbands in the neighborhood. And he’s losing some of his hair. She knows she shouldn’t be so critical, but she thinks that people look at her and feel sorry for her because she didn’t get a richer husband with more hair.

These stories are illustrative of some of the ways in which narcissistic impulses cause us to maintain distance in our relationships, pursue unrealistic fantasies, and walk away from what is real. In the process we may be destroying our chances for long-term love.

What to Watch Out For

If you have narcissistic conflicts, remember that you are particularly vulnerable to:

• People who appeal to your narcissistic ideals
  . Your narcissistic ideals are those things that reflect the image you want to present to the world. They can predispose you to falling in love with résumés, not people. If someone has the right degree, the right clothes, the right friends, the right car, the right apartment, the right look, the right background—you run the risk of buying the package without examining what’s inside.
  

• People who are supreme narcissists
  . If you have narcissistic issues, you are easily attracted to those whose presentation of themselves is often smooth, appealing, and “perfect.” Supreme narcissists frequently have a great deal of charisma and charm. It’s all facade, but they know how to use it.
  

• People who say that you’re the greatest thing since sliced bread and
  tell you what you want to hear—before they really know you
  . If you were clear about your value, you wouldn’t be so susceptible to someone who comes on like gangbusters. Remember that if you have narcissistic issues, you have two little voices in your head—one telling you that you’re the greatest and the other picking you apart and tearing you down. Someone who gets to you by flattering your grandiose voice may also carry the power to flatten you by activating your crushed voice.
  

• People whom you always try to please or people who make you feel as though you have to prove yourself
  . The need to please and prove yourself worthy is frequently connected to low self-esteem, which, in turn, can be connected to narcissistic impulses. Because you want to be perfect, you are always vulnerable to someone who withholds approval. So watch out!
  

• People who activate your fantasies
  . Because narcissistic issues keep you running between two extremes of “I’m the best, I’m the worst,” it’s easy to get hooked on fantasies that keep you running between two extremes—very good and very bad. Remember that reality is somewhere in the center, and that’s where you want to be.
  

CLAUSTROPHOBIC COMMITMENT CONFLICTS

If you have a visceral sense of being uncomfortable when someone “crowds” you, then you may be drawn only to people and situations that give you a feeling of space and distance. If this is the case, without realizing it you may consistently turn away from partners who are genuinely looking for a commitment and you may end up with too much “distance” built into all your relationships. Typically your relationships break up because either you or your partners are made uncomfortable by intimacy and commitment. Let’s go through the list of claustrophobic conflicts and see how they might play out:

I WANT A COMMITMENT, BUT I WANT TO RETAIN MY FREEDOM TO DO WHATEVER I WANT WHEN I WANT
.

What are some of the negative things that can happen when you are primarily attracted to people who appear unlikely to threaten your need for freedom? This conflict tends to play out differently depending on whether you have passive or active conflicts. For example:

If you have active conflicts:

You probably try to stay away from partners who have too many expectations of traditional, conventional behavior. Even so, you may choose partners who want more commitment and less freedom than you do. That’s why you may so often find yourself in relationships where you feel as though someone is trying to pin you down. Some questions to ask yourself:

• Do I give out mixed messages, articulating my need for commitment while I act out my need for freedom?
  

• Do I have a history of unreliability with my partners?
  

• Am I drawn to partners who represent stability and then wonder why they are trying to get me to settle down?
  

• Have I ever taken advantage of a partner’s caretaker instincts?
  

• Do I sometimes say the kinds of things that would encourage a partner to have expectations and then wonder how it happened?
  

• Do I have unreasonable resentments concerning expectations, requests, or demands that might encroach on my time or emotional availability, even within the context of an ongoing relationship?
  

If you have passive conflicts:

You may be most attracted to those who convey a sense of being free. Often you hope people such as this will help you also experience a sense of freedom. Perhaps you have a dream about forming a relationship in which you and your partner can go off and be “free birds” together. You run into trouble by forgetting that freedom means different things to different people. The person
you recognize as your “soul mate” may want to fly off in the opposite direction … alone.

You also have to keep in mind that those who convey a sense of freedom are sometimes unsettled and unstable. While your idea of freedom may be a drive through the countryside in a convertible or a mildly unconventional life-style, you might find yourself attached to someone to whom
freedom
means the freedom to be excessive in any way—the freedom to drink to excess, spend to excess, and philander to excess are some examples. In such a relationship you may find yourself always trying to bring someone else down to earth. Or you might always be trying to get an elusive partner to settle down and make a commitment. Here are some questions to ask yourself:

• Do I have a tendency to form relationships in which my partner gets to behave like an irresponsible child and I become the annoyed parent?
  

• Do I form uneven relationships in which I become the ballast, and my partner becomes the free spirit?
  

• Do I have a history of forming relationships with people who keep me unsettled and off balance?
  

I WANT A COMMITMENT, BUT I DON’T WANT TO LOSE MY SEXUAL FREEDOM
.

What can go wrong in a relationship when you want commitment, but you want to retain your right to have sex with others? Everything. The list is endless. In our society monogamy goes hand in hand with trust, love, and commitment. Try to separate them and the equation is destroyed, as well as the relationship, which will often disintegrate under the tremendous undercurrents of jealousy, anger, resentment, and insecurity. It’s fairly obvious that wanting sexual freedom within a committed relationship is a setup for disaster.

If you have active conflicts:
The first question to ask yourself is why you choose partners who will be faithful to you and then take advantage of this quality. Most of the time what you are doing is
inflicting tremendous pain on your partner. This is far from loving behavior, and it will be remembered accordingly. Sometimes, however, it can backfire on you in other ways. For example, you say that you need to “reserve the right to have sex” with someone else, and your partner goes out and has sex with someone else before you finish your sentence. Suddenly the roles are reversed.

If you have passive conflicts:
Typically while you may understand the impulses pulling your partner toward sexual freedom, you want no part of it for yourself. You are hoping that this is simply a phase your partner is going through and that love will conquer all. Typically it doesn’t.

I WANT A COMMITMENT, BUT I DON’T EVER WANT TO BE BORED
.

There is a big difference between wanting to lead an interesting life and being scared of boredom. Sometimes people who say they want a commitment really want a roller-coaster ride with all the accompanying highs and lows. Unless they are experiencing an intense feeling at all times, they think something is wrong.

Those who need partners to provide them with a sense of being alive may not know how to appreciate a comfortable, constructive, reasonable relationship between two adults with their own interests. They may always be too busy dealing with dramatic situations to notice potential partners who are kind, well intentioned, and nice, but who lack the hypnotic skills necessary to capture their immediate attention.

A fear of being bored can sometimes lead to particularly destructive relationships. It’s easy to make sure you’ll never be bored and always be excited. Live with gamblers or drug dealers or people who can’t tell you what they do for a living. Hang out with race-car drivers or gun runners or people who live on the edge—alcoholics, drug abusers, sex addicts. Make sure jealousy—either yours or your partner’s—is a major component in all your relationships; that’s guaranteed to provide a few sleepless nights. In short find someone with problems. Or make your own!

If you’re more worried about being bored than you are about anything else, you can almost be guaranteed to find—or create—relationships that are very interesting and very problematic. As
one of our interviewees told us about one of her more “exciting” choices, “I saw ten times more emergency rooms, courtrooms, and crisis centers in six months than I had ever seen in my whole life—and that includes the ones I saw on TV shows.”

If you have active conflicts:
At the first sign of “normalcy” in a relationship, you may panic and start creating problems. Instead of directing your efforts toward your career or the outside world, you may constantly be stirring the relationship to keep it full of chaos. You may try to add spice to your life by seeing a variety of people simultaneously or by creating jealous rifts and scenes. Or you may drum up excitement by fighting and faultfinding. You may walk away from loving, supportive partners whenever things get calm and easy.

If you have passive conflicts:
You may fail to be adequately self-protective and may respond most to people who are so “interesting” that it takes up most of your waking hours trying to figure out what they are doing. You may tend to place a great deal of value on those whose deep psychological, albeit interesting, problems don’t make realistic commitment a realistic possibility. Even so, you may become obsessed with trying to get such a person to settle down. You may also stir up your relationships by creating scenes and looking for drama. Or you may too soon become bored if a relationship develops gradually, and you may precipitate a crisis by stepping up the pressure for more intensity, more passion, and more commitment.

I WANT A COMMITMENT, BUT I WORRY ABOUT CHANGING MY MIND AND BEING STUCK
.

What happens when you vacillate between your desire for permanent love and your fear of never walking out alive? This conflict raises the classic claustrophobic fear of “forever after,” and it creates behavior that is equally “classic.” Those with this conflict—specifically worried about staying with someone for the long haul—almost always tend to choose relationships in which distance is a given. Sometimes as intimacy increases, they sabotage the relationship in order to create more distance.