Hester's Story (16 page)

‘He doesn’t exactly go short of anything, does he?’ Dinah remarked as she laid Nell on the sofa, making sure that her shoes didn’t touch the upholstery. ‘Us up in the Attic de Luxe and him here in all this. He must be rolling in money.’

Hester hardly heard what she was saying. She was gazing at the gilded clock on the sideboard, at the gorgeously coloured rugs on the carpeted floor (rugs on top of carpet, the height of luxury!), at the engraved invitations propped up against the ornaments on the mantelpiece, and thinking how wonderful it must be to sit in here with the lamp lit and bask in the firelight. There was no fire in the hearth at the moment, but she could imagine just what it would be like.

‘Here I am,’ said Ruby, coming into the room with baskets hanging from each arm. ‘If you could take this, please?’ She smiled at Hester. ‘I’m sorry, I don’t know any of your names.’

‘I’m Hester Fielding,’ Hester said, taking one of the
baskets from Ruby. ‘And that’s Dinah Rowland. Nell Osborne is the one who’s ill.’

Ruby smiled and nodded. Hester didn’t notice as it actually happened, but remembering it a short time later, she realised that as Ruby looked into her eyes for the first time, she’d known at once that here was someone she could trust.

*

Ruby came to the Attic de Luxe every day while Nell was ill. She sat with her while Hester and Dinah were at lessons or at rehearsal and then she went back to cook for Piers. She didn’t speak a great deal and Hester thought she was pleasant, but rather quiet. She didn’t tell them much, but Hester knew she was Scottish from her accent. She had four brothers and sisters and told Hester once that she sent almost all her wages home to her mother, to help her.

‘Are you happy to live in London, so far away from them?’ Hester asked her.

Ruby smiled at Hester and thought for a moment before she answered. ‘Sometimes,’ she said, ‘I’m happy to be away from all that fuss, but sometimes I do miss them. Yes, sometimes I miss them dreadfully.’

After three days in bed, Nell was almost herself.

‘I’ll be going back to rehearsal tomorrow, Ruby,’ she said. She was lying on her bed looking quite different from the invalid who’d been sent home only days ago. ‘I feel much better. It’s thanks to you looking after me. And all the lovely food.’

Ruby shook her head. ‘You’d have got better whatever I did, I expect. You’re young and healthy.’

‘But it’s much more fun being ill when there’s someone to chat to and take care of you,’ said Dinah. ‘I think it’s jolly nice of you, Ruby.’

Ruby said nothing, but went on working at her
tapestry. Hester had noticed that she always had something to sew or stitch when she came to Moscow Road. One whole afternoon she’d spent darning the holes in their tights to such perfection that Dinah exclaimed, ‘Your darns are beautiful, Ruby! They make the undarned bits of the tights look awful. How d’you do it? I’d never have the patience.’

Once Ruby had left them, Hester, Dinah and Nell gossiped about her.

‘Is she pretty?’ Nell wondered. ‘I can never decide. Sometimes she looks quite plain.’

‘She doesn’t make enough of herself,’ Dinah said. She was a great believer in enhancing what Nature had given you, and was forever trying to rouge Hester’s pale cheeks or put curlers into her hair. ‘I wonder if she’s sleeping with Piers.’

‘No!’ Nell and Hester exclaimed together. Sex was something that Hester had known a little about for a long time, but the details of what went on between men and women, and also between men and men sometimes, she learned about from Dinah and Nell. It was a topic of endless fascination and they often discussed it as they lay in the Attic de Luxe with the lights out. It was easier to be frank when it was dark. At first, Hester had hardly believed what she was being told, but she was used to it all now and their talk was much less inhibited. Nell went on, ‘No, never. I’m sure Piers prefers men. Aren’t you? I mean, what about Anton and Miles and Jeremy? Don’t you think he’d prefer them?’ The girls dissolved into giggles again. Homosexuality was against the law, of course, but everyone in the company knew about these three men. Dancers, in any case, according to Dinah, were always assumed by the general public to be queer, whether they were or not. The truth of the matter was some were and some weren’t and Hester was curious about
it – and when she thought about it, didn’t quite know
what
she thought about it.

*

‘Will you be all right?’ Hester whispered to Nell.

They were in the dressing room at the Royalty Theatre, getting ready for
Nutcracker
. Hester was one of the children in the party scene at the beginning and one of the flowers later on, when Clara visits the Land of the Sweets. She was so excited before this very first appearance on stage that she could hardly put her lipstick on without her hand shaking. She’d thought about inviting Madame Olga to see the show and discussed with Dinah and Nell whether it was worth her while to come all the way to London just to see her running across the stage with a crowd of other people, and they decided it wasn’t. Still, Hester found it so hard to write that particular letter. In the end she was honest. She wrote,
I’d love you to come and see me dance for the first time, but it’s a very long way for such unimportant parts, so perhaps you’d better wait till I’m doing a solo. Piers says it won’t be so long now
 …

Nell had a short solo in the ballet. She was one of the Oriental dancers in the Land of Sweets scene. Madame P was to dance the Sugar Plum Fairy.

It seemed to Hester that Nell was unusually quiet. They’d all come early to get ready. Piers was insistent that no one should be rushed, no one should panic at the last moment and so, by the time the curtain was ready to go up and the overture was coming over the Tannoy, everyone had been ready for hours. Hester had asked Nell whether she was all right but got no reply. Now she asked again. Nell just nodded and then there was no time for any more conversation. They were on stage. The Christmas tree stood in the corner,
heavy with gold and red decorations that shone under the stage lights, and they were transported to Clara’s house, where they danced about, waiting for Dr Drosselmeyer to appear.

This part, which didn’t require anything too much in the way of suppleness from the person who performed it, was traditionally taken by Piers.

He was dressed entirely in black when he appeared on the stage, and Hester was surprised by how frightening he looked. He wore a black suit and had blackened his beard as well and added a tall black hat. You could hear the children in the audience gasp when he made his entrance, and when he exited the applause went on and on.

Children from a local school were playing the mice. They were gathered in the wings and did a lot of squeaking. Dinah said they’d been chosen because they were so good at it. Piers tried his best to stop them giggling and squealing.

‘If you brats don’t keep absolutely silent out here,’ he told them, ‘I shall personally mince every last one of you and serve you up on toast in the interval. Ssss!?’

Hester was scarcely aware of anything beyond the brilliantly lit box in which she found herself. She was transported, transformed. She was at one and the same time herself and not herself, but a child, and then a flower, and although she knew with the conscious part of her mind that she was remembering steps she’d worked on for hours and hours during rehearsals, there was something in her that transcended her body and lifted her out of her ordinary, everyday self as soon as the music began.

During the interval, there was no sign of Nell.

‘Have you checked in the toilet?’ Dinah said.

Hester was on the point of answering, when Piers stormed into the dressing room.

‘Hester! I want you to change into Nell’s costume right away. You’ve watched the solo she does in Act Two, haven’t you?’

Hester nodded. Her chest felt constricted, as though her heart had grown too large and was trying to break through her ribcage. ‘You look like a confused rabbit, Hester. Hurry up now and get Nell’s costume on. You’re dancing instead of her in Act Two.’

‘But where … ?’

‘Taken ill, of course. Gone to my house to be looked after by Ruby. Perfect timing.’

Dinah said, ‘Don’t worry, Piers. I’ll get her make-up done. She’ll be ready.’

Piers nodded and rushed from the room, presumably to warn the rest of the company that there would be a new Oriental dancer appearing tonight.

‘Your big chance, Hester,’ said Dinah. ‘Stay quite still or I’ll be drawing black lines down your cheeks instead of round your eyes.’

‘But why didn’t he ask Simone? Or you? What if I don’t know all the steps?’ Mixed with her fear was the feeling that Dinah had more right to a solo than she did. She’d been in the company longer. Surely she ought to have been chosen?

‘You do,’ said Dinah. ‘You’ve watched Nell do it often enough. He didn’t ask Simone because you’re better, that’s all. And you’re better than me as well. I don’t mind, Hester, really. Open your mouth for the lipstick.’

‘But what about Nell?’

‘What about her? She’s not Madame P. She’ll be thrilled for you. Not everyone in this company is a jealous bitch, though I grant you there are some people who might be trying to trip you up!’

‘Oh, God, what if I’m a disaster, Dinah? What if I let Piers down?’

Dinah had finished her work with the mascara and the lipstick. She brought her face very close to Hester’s and took her by the chin, looking directly into her eyes.

‘You don’t know, do you?’

‘Know what?’

‘That you’re different, Hester. You’re not like the rest of us. We’re not bad, but we’re ordinary dancers. You’ve got something even now that no one else in the company has. Not one of us.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘You’ve got star quality.’

‘I don’t know what that is.’

‘Neither do I,’ Dinah smiled. ‘But I think I can recognise it when I see it. Go on, get out there and show them.’

*

I have never felt, Hester thought, anything to compare with the mixture of terror, exhilaration, panic and bliss that I’m feeling now. The music was like a wave carrying her in. She rode this wave, and wore it and inhabited it so that, after a few notes, it became no more than an expression in sound of what she, her body, her face, were expressing as she moved. The audience disappeared and yet she never forgot them. She lost herself in the steps and yet she had them as clear in her head as though she were following a map. Her body did things that she’d tried and tried to do and failed. Suddenly, the shock of performance brought all her strengths to a place where she was able to use them. Then, when the dance was over, and the applause woke her from a kind of trance, she realised that she was back. Back in the real world, out of the magic kingdom she’d inhabited as long as the dance went on.

When she came offstage at the end of the curtain calls, the whole company gathered round to kiss her and exclaim at her performance. Estelle passed her on the way back to her own dressing room and even she felt bound, by the general excitement, to say something.

‘Well,’ she said, looking down her parrot nose. ‘You’ve had your path smoothed before you, and no mistake.’ A sour smile passed over her features. ‘You will go far.’

‘Thank you,’ Hester answered, understanding that however grudging it was, this was Estelle’s best effort at congratulation.

‘Wonderful,’ said Piers, blowing kisses at the whole dressing room as he came in. ‘Get your street clothes on, everyone, and we’ll all go out for a slap-up meal at Gino’s. Rave reviews in the press tomorrow, I’ll be bound.’ He came up to Hester and took her aside, speaking quietly.

‘You did very well, dear. You really were quite good on the whole, and I’m pleased with you. Now please wait here for a moment, Hester. Don’t go anywhere. You have a visitor.’

‘Me?’ Hester was astonished. ‘I don’t know anyone. Who can it be?’

‘A surprise. You like surprises, don’t you?’

Hester nodded. She knew it had to be Madame Olga. Oh, how she hoped she was right, and it
was
really her and that she’d seen the ballet and been proud of her.

She sat in front of the mirror, still in Nell’s costume, looking not a bit like herself. I’m a dancer, she thought. A real dancer. This is going to be my life forever. I must remember always how happy I am now, this second. I mustn’t forget how it feels. Dinah
and the others were ready to leave. ‘Will you wait for me?’ Hester asked.

‘We’ve been spoken to,’ Dinah answered. ‘Given our orders and told to leave you alone to meet this visitor of yours.’

There was a knock at the door just as she’d begun to wipe off her greasepaint with a large ball of cottonwool.

Piers never simply came into a room. He
entered
, as though he were stepping on to a stage in a starring role. On this occasion he had his arm around the shoulders of someone wearing a black silk dress and a fur stole.

‘Madame Olga!’ she cried. ‘How lovely! I knew it was you! When did you come? I’m so happy to see you.’

‘I’ll leave you alone for a moment,’ Piers said. ‘I’ll be back in five minutes to take you to the restaurant. Olga will be joining us of course, for the party.’

He left the room as dramatically as he’d come into it. When they were alone, Madame Olga came up to Hester and hugged her.

‘I’m crying, Madame! I can’t help it. I’ve missed you so much.’

‘Do not cry, child. Do not cry. This is such a happy day for me. I have missed you, too. You cannot imagine how I think of you, up there in Yorkshire; how cold and dull it is without you. My house is empty.’

‘And I think of you, Madame. All the time. It’s nearly two years since I left Yorkshire, can you believe it’s been so long? I wait for your letters every day and I’m sorry if I’m not writing as much as you’d like. I know how you love details and gossip but there’s so little time. Piers makes us work so hard. Everything’s
so busy always. Class and the production we’re getting ready and the next one being planned.’

‘Of course, of course. I understand. This is the work of a ballet company. I am drinking in all the letters from you, believe me. I read many times, many times.’