Hidden Deep (31 page)

I would see him in a few minutes. I should probably have at least grabbed a biscuit at The Skillet before stomping out the door because my stomach felt all squishy. Would he be able to tell? Maybe he
already
knew. But what did love even matter when his life was governed by duty and Elven law? The whole thing was hopeless. I had to let him go.
But not today.

Part of me wanted to get it over with. The other part wanted to stretch out our time together until there was no other choice.
Not today.
Not right now. He might not have been human, but he was the one person I felt I could trust completely.

I breathed unsteadily as I walked toward the pool in the woods. As soon as Lad came into focus, his buoyant mood was obvious. There was a new lightness to his face. The green of his eyes seemed brighter, if that was even possible, and his smile was wide.

I couldn’t manage one myself. I approached him slowly, cautiously. He didn’t seem to notice any change in me. He greeted me by grabbing me and administering a mind-erasing kiss. When I didn’t respond with the usual enthusiasm, he loosened his hold on me and searched my face.

“What’s the matter, Ryann?”

“Rough morning.”

“Your father?”

“Among other things.”

“Well, I have some news that will cheer you. Here, sit with me.”

We sat in the ferns at the edge of the pool. I trailed my fingers across the surface of the cool water, waiting for the big announcement. Lad said nothing. I looked up at him.
Why is he stalling?
He seemed nervous.

“Well?”

He took a deep breath before speaking. “Remember I told you about the upcoming Assemblage?” I nodded, and he continued. “The date is set—it will take place in two weeks.”

I wasn’t sure what it had to do with me. “That’s good.”

“And remember how I told you I must marry at age eighteen?”

I nodded slowly.

“My birthday is a week away. My father has planned a grand wedding ceremony during the Assemblage.” He paused. “My parents have selected a bride for me—well actually, we’ve been betrothed for some time, since we were twelve years old.”

Ooof. That one hit me like a body blow. He was
engaged
. Had
been
engaged. For years.

“This is the news that’s supposed to cheer me up? What do you want me to say—congratulations?” I jumped to my feet. “
That
would have been nice to know a little earlier. You lied to me.”

“I didn’t lie.” Lad reached out and caught my hand, pulling me back to sit on the ground with him.

I sat but tried to tug my fingers away. “Not telling me something so important is the same thing.”

He gripped my hand tighter, giving me a reassuring smile. “Ryann, wait. Let me finish. What I wanted to tell you today is that I’ve made a decision. Having this deadline before me has caused me to think about what I really want for my life. It’s helped me to weigh my family obligations and duty to my people against the feelings I have for you. It’s forced me to consider the incompatibility of being with you and living in Altum, and so, I had to choose.”

“Yeah, I get it. You have a duty, blah blah blah.” I jerked my hand from his grasp and wrapped my arms around my knees.

What an idiot I am
. I’d known this day was coming. I’d been crazy to even keep seeing him this long.
It’s okay.
This is good. It’s for the best.
He was saving me from having to do it.

“I choose you,” he said. His smile was stunning.

My response was a gasp. “What?” It was a good thing I was already sitting because I would have fallen over.

“Yes.” Lad nearly shimmered with joyful energy, laughing. He couldn’t stay still. “I guess I’ll have to get used to those strange human houses and those horrible clothes because I’ve made my decision. I don’t even care what’s right or wrong anymore. I couldn’t do it—give you up in order to fulfill some ancient, outdated tradition and take a bride I care nothing for, living out the rest of my life in resentful obedience. Not when I feel this much lo—”

“No!” I interrupted him in a panic—clapping my hand over his mouth. I was out of time. All hope of putting it off was gone. I’d been given no chance to strategize, to prepare a speech that would end things neatly between us and make Lad see it was for the best. And I did have to end it. For his sake and for mine.

“No, Lad. I don’t want that.” I scrambled up and stalked away from him, twisting back in time to see his expression turn from joy to confusion.

“I don’t understand.” The usual deep melodic quality of his voice had been replaced by a hollow whisper.

My gut churned at the look on his face, so I glanced away, at the ground, at the trees, anywhere but his troubled eyes. “I know you don’t understand, and I’m sorry. I… haven’t been honest with you. I’ve led you on, and now it’s gone too far. We… we can’t see each other anymore.”

He bolted to his feet and started toward me. “What are you saying? No… no! What’s happened, Ryann? How can you say that, after what I’ve just told you… knowing how I feel about you? I know you feel the same.”

I swallowed a painful lump in my throat and forced myself to say words I despised. “I’m sorry, but you’re wrong. With your lack of experience around humans, maybe you’re not very good at reading our true feelings. I feel bad for taking advantage of that. It wasn’t fair.”

I was thankful I hadn’t eaten breakfast after all because every organ inside my body was revolting against the words coming out of my mouth. I had to turn away and clench my stomach muscles, pressing my fingers hard into them to keep from retching.

“It’s not true…” he whispered.

When I looked back, Lad’s eyes showed me that my razor sharp lies were hitting their mark, slashing him, wounding him.

He shook his head side-to-side, his voice thick with bleeding emotion. “Ryann, I love you. I thought you loved me, too. I was ready to leave everything behind… live as a human for you. I want to. I want
you
.” He took a step toward me then another, raising his palms toward me. “Come here. Let me just touch you… please.”

“No—I don’t want… don’t…” I stepped back to preserve the crucial distance between us. If he reached me and pulled me into his arms, it was all over. I’d grab him and never let go again.

The pressure built behind my eyes, Judas tears threatening to reveal my true feelings. I had to end it fast and get out of there, making sure he’d never try to see me or speak to me again. It was his only chance to have a happy life. The life he was born for.

“When you told me about the Assemblage, how you’d be expected to take a bride at eighteen, I felt…”
devastated
“… happy. Relieved, actually. I was already trying to figure out how to tell you my interest in you has faded. This is perfect timing, really. You should go back to your family, to your home. Go back and be with someone of your own kind.”

“You are my kind, Ryann.”

My heart ripped further. I was starting to crumble. I reached for the final dagger that would release the last of the lifeblood from Lad’s feelings for me—something that would convince him, before his entire life was ruined, along with the lives of all his people. And before I found myself committed to the most dangerous kind of relationship, one where I was deeply in love. I steeled myself and made my voice as hard as possible.

“That’s… unfortunate because I don’t want you. I’ve found someone else. You may remember him—Nox—the one you saw me with in my yard? At the time I wasn’t sure which one of you I wanted, so I lied. But now I realize
he’
s the one. You see, the truth is… I love him.”

I would remember the look on Lad’s face for the rest of my life. And for the first time, I realized the word “heartache” was based on a real biological phenomenon. A physical pain gripped my heart, squeezing until I thought I might pass out from the sensation.

I wanted to sink down, melt into the ground like rain. The simple act of standing while forcing myself to continue to wound him was too much. I wasn’t sure I could keep it up. I locked my knees and willed myself to remain upright. Lad backed away from me slowly, his voice sounding choked.

“No, no, no,” he repeated as if in a trance. “It’s not true. I know what I saw in your eyes. I know what I heard from your mind.”

“You’re wrong, Lad. I don’t have that ability. It was your imagination. You heard what you wanted to hear. If you don’t believe me, watch. Nox is coming to take me out tonight. You’ll see.”

I’d somehow have to put off falling apart a while longer, long enough to call Nox and beg or coerce him into picking me up and making it look like we had a date.

“Believe it Lad. Go home and get on with your life.” Turning, I stumbled away from him without looking back.

I forced myself to walk in case he was watching, though I wanted to run. Run away from the horrible lies I’d told, from the devastation I’d seen on his face. I prayed he would run in the opposite direction, toward the life he was always meant to have. Toward home and family. Toward eventual peace and happiness… and lasting love with a girl of his own kind. It was the best thing for both of us.

Once I was out of his sight, the tears came, finally overpowering all ability I had to control them, flowing freely as I let myself break into a run at last.

At home, I rushed past Grandma to the safety of the shower where I could camouflage my tears, and if possible, drown. When the hot water ran out, I emerged, cold, wet, and unfortunately still alive and reminded myself the job wasn’t finished.

I had to call Nox and arrange to put on a show in case there was any piece of Lad’s heart still left unbroken. Nox agreed all too eagerly and promised to pick me up at six.

Pulling on my sleep mask and putting in my ear plugs, I crawled under my covers, seeking an escape from all thought and feeling for a few hours. My dreams weren’t much more pleasant than reality, but at least the pain in them was somewhat dulled.

When I woke, there was barely enough time to dress and put on some makeup before Nox came. I wandered to the kitchen where Mom and Grandma were preparing a meal for Davis, who was scheduled to arrive from Atlanta at any time.

“Oh, hi Sweetie. Are you not feeling well? Grandma told me you came in and took a shower and went right to bed. I looked in on you a couple times, but you were really knocked out. Everything ok?” Mom walked over and held her palm against my forehead as she did any time I felt less than perfect. Even if it was a splinter, a fever check was in order as far as my mom was concerned.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” I said dully. “My breakfast with Dad didn’t go so great. We kind of had a fight.”

“Oh…” She nodded in understanding, assuming my funk was all due to my father. That was easy for her to believe, and for now, I’d let her. I was far from ready to discuss my breakup with Lad. Grandma Neena looked at me with sympathy. I directed my attention to her and willed her not to say anything. She seemed to get the message and stayed silent.

“I have a date with Nox tonight. He’ll be here in a few minutes.”

“Oh, that’s
good
,” Mom said a little too brightly. “But you’re going to miss meeting Davis. He’s really interested in getting to know you, Ryann.”

“I know. Sorry. Next time, okay?”

The doorbell ended the conversation and compelled me to dig into my reserve tank for a smile and some forced enthusiasm. Not that I didn’t want to see Nox—I didn’t feel like seeing
anyone
.

In fact, I didn’t feel much of anything at all. It must have been the numbness some people describe when recounting a trauma they’ve lived through, a temporary lack of feeling that enables people to do what has to be done until the crisis is over.

With that going for me, I opened the door, determined to continue playing the role I had to play for Lad’s sake a few hours longer. Mom joined me at the door. Her giddiness annoyed me.

“Nox, it’s so good to see you. I read about your record deal. How’s everything going?” she gushed.

“Great, Mrs. Carroll. Thanks. Our new agent is working on booking a tour for us after we finish in the studio. We’ll probably hit the road this fall.”

“How wonderful. So exciting. So, where are y’all headed tonight?”

Instead of answering out loud, Nox leaned over and whispered something into my mother’s ear. She broke into a delighted grin and her eyes widened. Then, her brows pulled together slightly as she continued to listen and momentarily considered something.

“No, I’m afraid not. I don’t think that would be best. The rest of it sounds fun, though. Back by curfew, right?”

“Right,” Nox said, smirking.

As we walked away from the house together, a flash of movement drew my eye to the periphery of the woods. It might have been a deer, but it probably wasn’t. Well, good. He’d seen us together. It was done then.

Instead of walking to his car, Nox turned and grabbed my hand, leading me directly toward the woods.

“What are you doing? Aren’t we going out?”

“We are out.” He raised his hands to the sides and flashed me that mischievous grin of his. “You’ll never guess what I have planned. Don’t even try. And don’t argue—I put a lot of work into this today.”