Hidden Truths (58 page)

"I know." Rika squeezed her forearm once again,
then let go and turned. She reached beneath the bed and pulled out a piece of
paper.

Amy caught a glance of a rider on a red horse before Rika
rolled up the drawing and placed it in her carpetbag. "What are you
doing?"

"I can't stay here. You know that."

"But you don't have to go now. Not right away. I'm sure
my parents will let you stay until you find a job." She sounded like a
little girl begging Papa for a ride on his horse. The thought added to the
churning of her stomach.

Rika closed the carpetbag, fumbling with her left hand, and
carried it to the door. "Why drag this out? The longer I stay, the more
people will wag their tongues later. I better go. The stagecoach leaves Baker
Prairie in an hour, and if I miss it, I'll have to wait a week for the next
one."

"Where will you go? How will you get by?"

"I'll be fine. I have the money I got for Mouse. It'll
tide me over until I find work."

One hour and Rika would be gone — not just a few miles, to
the cabin Phin would build, but gone forever. Should she take a chance and tell
Rika how she felt?

No.
Rika had come west to marry, and now she had
talked about having children.
She's not... like me, and I don't want the
last words she ever speaks to me be in anger and disgust.

Amy hunched her shoulders. Her hands dangled helplessly at
her sides. She wavered between conflicting emotions. Part of her wanted to make
the most of every single moment with Rika, but another part didn't want to help
Rika leave. "Want me to take you to town?"

"Phin asked one of the ranch hands to take me,"
Rika said. "Old Jack is ready to go."

Amy clamped her hands around the back of the chair.

"So I guess this is good-bye." Rika jingled the
carpetbag.

"Yeah." Amy held her breath because even breathing
hurt.

Rika crossed the room. She paused one step from Amy and
searched her face. With a plop, the carpetbag landed on the floor. Rika threw
her left arm around Amy and pulled her close.

Amy squeezed her eyes shut and felt tears leak out. She
rubbed her cheek against Rika's shoulder to hide them. Careful not to hurt
Rika's shoulder, she pressed against her, letting their shared warmth filter
through her shirt and into her heart.

Lips wet with tears brushed her cheek.

"Good-bye, Amy," Rika whispered.

Then her warmth moved away. When Amy opened her eyes, Rika
was gone. She plopped down on the bed and buried her face in the pillow.

Rika's scent from the pillowcase engulfed her, and she
groaned her pain into the fabric.

*  *  *

Luke lifted her hand. When she noticed
that her fingers trembled, she curled them into a fist and knocked on Nattie's
door.

"Yes?"

After a steadying breath, Luke opened the door.

Nattie sat at her desk. At the sound of Luke's footsteps,
she swiveled.

They stared at each other from across the room, then Nattie
turned back around.

Luke bit the inside of her cheek. What should she say? How
could she begin a conversation? Her gaze fell on the papers covering Nattie's
desk. Paintings of Appaloosa coat patterns littered the desk. "What's
that?"

Silence filled the room, then Nattie answered, "I'm
trying to figure out what kind of parents produce the best patterns."

Parents.
Luke bit her lip. Did Nattie still consider
her a parent? At least she was still interested in their breeding program. They
still had that in common. Luke took a hesitant step, then another, inching
closer. "Can we talk?"

Nattie nodded but didn't turn around.

"Look at me." Luke's voice trembled, and she tried
to steady it. "Please."

Slowly, Nattie turned and looked up at Luke with red-rimmed
eyes.

Luke's heart clenched. "Nattie."

"I haven't told Mama yet, but I want to go east this
fall, study there for two years."

Luke stumbled back and pressed a hand to her chest. Nattie
wanted to leave the ranch, wanted to get away from her. Pain sliced through
Luke, but she said nothing. She was too afraid to ask Nattie to stay — afraid
that Nattie would shout at her, would tell her she wasn't her father and had no
right to tell her what to do.

"That is, if we can afford it," Nattie added when
Luke stayed silent.

"We can." Every year after roundup, Luke and Nora
put away some of the money to invest in a good education for Amy and Nattie.
She had always wanted to give Nattie that chance, but now it seemed the money
would help Nattie to get away from her forever.

Nattie's gaze flickered from the paintings on the desk to
Luke's face. "There's a college for veterinary surgeons in New York. It's
a two-year curriculum that focuses on the study of horses."

"Horses?"

Nattie rubbed the bump on the bridge of her nose and smiled.
"What else?"

Wild hope shot through Luke. Was it possible that Nattie
wasn't running away from her? Did she still want to be a part of the ranch, of
Luke's life, and just needed to find her own way? "They take women
students?"

"No." Nattie's gray eyes sparked like tinder.
"But I'm not letting that stop me. That's what you taught us, right?"

Tears burned Luke's throat. She nodded numbly.

"Frankie and Tess know one of the professors. He's
willing to teach me privately." Nattie hesitated. "If Mama and you
allow it."

"Do I still have the right to allow or forbid it?"
Luke asked.

Instead of answering, Nattie jumped up and threw her arms
around Luke. She buried her face against Luke's shoulder. Tears soaked Luke's
shirt.

Luke swallowed tears of her own. She stroked Nattie's hair
with trembling fingers and held her close, for the first time in her life
unafraid to let Nattie press too close against her chest.

Finally, Nattie hiccupped and looked up.

"Is that a yes?" Luke whispered.

Nattie pressed her face back against Luke's shoulder.
"Y-yes. So, will you allow me to go?"

"I'll miss you." For once, she could openly admit
her feelings without being afraid others would think her unmanly. "But I'm
so proud of you for doing this. The first woman veterinary surgeon... I'd love
that."

When Nattie finally let go and moved back to blow her nose,
Luke studied her. "I know telling you who I am was a big shock for you
girls — for you especially. I don't want you to think badly of yourself or your
mother, just because of the circumstances of your conception."

Nattie sniffled and averted her gaze.

"I know how you must feel."

Now Nattie lifted her gaze. Anger glinted in her eyes for a
second. "How could you know that?"

Luke swallowed. She had wanted to forget about that part of
her life, but to help her daughter, she would reveal another truth about
herself. "Because my mother worked in a brothel too, and my father was one
of the men who paid to share her bed."

With a gasp, Nattie stumbled back and sank onto the desk
chair. She stared up at Luke with teary eyes.

"But there's one big difference between you and me,
Nattie. My mother tried to drown her shame in a bottle of whiskey. I remember
sitting on the backstairs, sometimes all night, waiting for her to tell me it
was all right to come back in. Sometimes, she forgot, and I still sat there
when the sun came up."

With the old images, feelings of loneliness and despair
resurfaced, and Luke shoved them away. She was an adult now and no longer
alone.

"My mother stopped caring — about me, about herself,
about trying to get out. Your mother never did. She's not a bad mother and not
a bad human being. And neither are you."

For the second time, Nattie threw herself into Luke's arms.
"Oh, Papa," she whispered.

A knock on the door interrupted them.

Nattie moved back and wiped her cheeks. "Yes?"

The door inched open. "Miss Nattie?" Phin stood in
the doorway, not entering. "Can I talk to you for a —?" When his gaze
fell on Luke, he stopped. "Um. Didn't know you were in here, boss. This
can wait until later."

"Phin, wait! What happened?" Nattie asked.

"Just wanted to let you know Hank is gonna take
Hendrika into town," Phin said.

"Into town?" Luke frowned at him. Was it just her
imagination or was Phin paler than the snow on Mount Hood? "I thought you
were gonna look for flowers for the wedding?"

"The wedding is off."

"What?" Nattie grabbed his sleeve and pulled him
into the room. "What happened?"

"She lied about who she is," Phin said.

The words made Luke flinch. She knew how deep lies like this
could cut.
Damn, not this too.
How would her daughters take Hendrika's
deception on top of everything else? Her gaze sought out Nattie, searching for
forgiveness, but Nattie was focused on Phin.

"What do you mean?" Nattie asked.

"She didn't write the letters. When Johanna died,
Hendrika took the tickets I sent her friend to start a new life out west."

"Oh my. I'm so sorry." Nattie squeezed his arm.
"Are you all right?"

"Yeah. Maybe it's for the best. I haven't even built a
cabin yet, so I can't provide for a wife."

The words were familiar. Luke smiled tiredly. "When I
first married Nora and came to Oregon, I thought the same way. But let me tell
you something that I learned about women, Phin. Women are strong."

In the past, she had needed her male identity to feel strong
and capable. Now she started to believe that her family would love her and come
to trust in her strength even though they now knew she was a woman.

"They don't need us to treat them like fragile china or
to provide the perfect life," she said. "If you find a good woman,
she'll want to be your partner and take care of you too."

"Papa's right," Nattie said, still holding on to
Phin's sleeve.

The ease with which she said "Papa" lifted a heavy
weight from Luke's shoulders.

"Yeah, well, obviously, Hendrika doesn't want that with
me," Phin said. "When I offered to marry her anyway, she
refused."

Luke studied him. He didn't look heartbroken, just confused.
Hendrika had hurt his ego, not his heart.

Another knock sounded on the door. Hendrika peered around
the doorframe. Her eyes were red-rimmed, but she straightened her shoulders and
locked her jaw like a condemned woman preparing for the inevitable. "Sorry
to interrupt. I just wanted to say good-bye." Her gaze slid over to Phin,
then back to Nattie and Luke. "If you're still talking to me?"

How could Luke judge her for hiding her identity when she
was doing the same? "Are you sure you want to leave?"

"Thanks for being so kind, but what else is there to
do?" Hendrika clutched her carpetbag against her chest. "I've got no
reason to stay under the circumstances."

No? What about Amy?
Luke wanted to ask. But even if
she had dared to ask Hendrika about her feelings, she couldn't do it in front
of Nattie and Phin. Not knowing what to say or do, she watched the door fall
closed behind Hendrika.

*  *  *

Amy wasn't sure how much time had passed when someone knocked
on the door. Time had lost its meaning. She lifted her head from the pillow.
"Go away," she shouted and dropped her head back down.

The door creaked open, and lithe steps crossed the room. The
bed dipped. A warm hand settled on Amy's shoulder, and a familiar mix of aromas
drifted to her nose.

Leather, horse, and fresh air — scents that meant safety and
comfort.

Papa.

Amy rolled around and stared into the familiar face. Dark
smudges circled Luke's eyes. Pain darkened her eyes to gunmetal gray.

So much pain. Amy couldn't stand it anymore. She threw her
arms around Luke's slender hips and buried her face against a firm thigh. Her
tears soaked the denim of Luke's pants, but Luke didn't move away.

Sobs shook Amy's body. Her nose burned, her throat burned,
her heart burned. She thought she might be sick.

Luke's hands came up and combed through Amy's hair as she
had done since Amy had been a little girl. The soothing touch chased away Amy's
queasiness. She quieted and finally looked up.

Tears glittered on Luke's cheeks. Luke rubbed her hands over
her face, hastily wiping them away.

"Papa," Amy whispered and then stopped, struck by
how much had changed between them — and by how much stayed the same. "Can
I... can I still call you that?"

Luke laid a hand over her eyes and nodded behind that
barrier. "I'd be honored." Her voice shook.

Amy sat up, her knees still resting against Luke's.

They sniffled at the same time and then smiled at each
other.

"Hank just took Hendrika to the stage depot," Luke
said after a minute.

Amy nodded, grateful that Luke didn't ask her to explain
what had happened. There would be time for that later, but for now, it hurt too
much.

"And you just let her go?" Luke asked.
"Without telling her how you feel?"

Amy's gaze flew up. "You... you know? H-how do you
know?"

Luke smiled. "I was in your shoes once."

For the first time in many years, Amy knew she was
understood completely. Luke understood what was going on inside of her even
when Amy struggled to fully understand it herself. This was why Luke had
revealed her secret — so that she could be there for her now. A wave of
gratefulness washed over Amy. Her voice shook when she asked, "What did
you do?"

"Same thing you are doing now — I almost let her go. I
told her I wouldn't stand in her way if she found happiness with a real
man." Luke lifted one side of her mouth into a self-ironic smile. "It
took me years to understand that she doesn't want a 'real man.' She wants
me."

New tears burned in Amy's eyes. Her parents' relationship
was even more special than she had believed. "But Hendrika left."