Highfall (11 page)

23

Annika spent about a week in the station.  In company with the Chinese she attended free English classes at the church in the afternoon.  They all ate in a public canteen.  Annika regularly monitored the various job offers on the notice board hanging there.  She was realistic and knew that she had to accept more less anything in order to survive.  But each day she clung to the hope of seeing some new notice on the board.  She still believed she would find a job soon and even a good one at that.  Annika decided to stick it out for ten days at most.  Something inside told her that living two weeks in the station would be enough.  On the sixth day the announcement she was waiting for appeared.  A clinic was looking for a specialist like her.  Someone with experience of rehabilitation massages, working with children and with a medical degree. Annika's eyes sparkled.  She knew that this job had her name written on it.

The interview took a mere 15 minutes.  Annika was hired immediately.  This was a completely new beginning.  For a girl her age she’d already begun to have too many beginnings.

This new stage of her life was full of challenges, but at the same time it was full of opportunities to prove that she was much stronger and more resilient than she thought.

From the same notice board where Annika had found her job, she picked some announcements for rooms to let.  She wrote down the locations and prices of the ones which seemed acceptable, took her small suitcase and headed out to look at them.  As she expected, the rooms were small, dark and unpleasant.  But you get what you pay for and she chose one which had not such a bad view, as well as a low, large windowsill.  Annika thought that she’d sit on the sill and look outside.  She’d loved doing that so often when she was a child.  She remembered all the hours she’d spent sitting, hugging her knees and looking out at the street.

She spent the first day in her new place cleaning.  Annika directed all her bitterness and anger towards the dirt and dust.  As a result, windows became transparent again, floors regained their original colour and the whole room looked much better.  Though it would still take a heck of a lot more time and effort before it ever became really cosy.

There was neither TV nor stereo, so Annika spent the first evening in silence.  After the noisy station it was very nice to hear the silence and regain her solitude.  For the first time in her life she was going to live completely on her own.  Before that she had had her parents, or Stefan, or Vasko...or even the people in the station.  Now it was different.  No one would feed her, there would be no one to talk to and the place would have only one person's breath – hers.

While she was sitting on the floor, she thought she could smell pot.  Looking out of the window, she realised that there was a coffee shop under her apartment.  So, she was even entitled to free second-hand marijuana smoke every evening.  Not bad.

Although her bed was more comfortable than the bench at the railway station Annika did not sleep too well that first night.  She spent most of the night tossing and turning.  Thanks to that, she was able to enjoy the view out of her window at 6 a.m. and welcome the sunrise.  It made her day and she was full of energy and positive thoughts.

Annika went out and had a coffee and croissant in the open-air cafe.  It reminded her of the very first coffee and croissant she’d enjoyed when she arrived.  This time, however, it was different. There was no fear or uncertainty.  Things were starting to settle down and she was regaining her balance.

Recalling that up to now she had only had one chance to call her parents to say that she had arrived safely, Annika went to a cyber cafe.  She sat there, collected her thoughts and wrote two messages.

One was to her parents, letting them know that everything was fine and she was happy with her job.  How many lies was she going to have to tell them, she wondered.

The second message was to Vasko.  Strange, but she was no longer mad at him.  Had it not been for his idiotic choice, Annika would never have been able to make this drastic move and change her life to enrich it with new experiences.  So, no matter how ironic it might sound, she was even grateful.

“Hi Vasko,

Hope you are doing well.

Amsterdam is a very nice place.  There are lots of smiling people, bicycles, coffee shops and adventurous tourists.  I think it is a perfect place for a new beginning.

As I said, it all depends on you.  For the time being, I am quite overwhelmed with the changes and have decided not to think about our future.  If you decide you want to retrieve our relationship,
then have a go!  If not, then this is the perfect way to part, I guess.

Thanks for pushing me towards Amsterdam!

Hugs,

Annika”

After that she went to buy some things for her place with the advance pay her employer had been generous enough to give her, knowing her situation.  She bought a few pot plants, some curtains for the windows, a shower curtain with zebras and a few cushions to put on the windowsill.  Remembering the previous evening, she dropped by a bookshop and bought a novel.  It would keep her company in bed.  Tomorrow was a big day – her first working day in Amsterdam!

****

Vasko
on the other hand had his own beginnings.  He flew over the ocean and finally got to where he’d dreamt of being.  But the story with Annika had taken all the pleasure away and he no longer enjoyed his dream.  It felt empty and pointless without her, and Vasko wondered if he had made the right choice.  The worst problem was that he could not find an answer.  He was not sure of anything any longer.

Vasko lived on the university campus, with a room-mate from Hungary.  Since Vasko was not an extrovert and did not have many friends even back home, the transition was smooth.  He was addicted to knowledge and studying, and that part was perfectly catered for there.  He enjoyed the classes, the professors were great and he spent most of his evenings poring over the textbooks.  Needless to say, crazy student life with its alcohol-fuelled parties and wild adventures, not to mention sexual experiments, were just not in his schedule.

Vasko had been checking his mail for a week, but still there was no news from Annika.  He was sure Annika was mad at him and that most probably she wanted everything to end that way – quietly, with no talk and no tears.

She was in Amsterdam, he was in the US, and there was an ocean and more between them.

Vasko had given up waiting for Annika's e-mail when it finally came.  He read it and took a deep breath.  It all depended on him now.  Why did she say that?  Why was she putting all the responsibility on his shoulders?  Why hadn’t she even given a hint about what she wanted him to do?

Vasko felt confused.  In this state of confusion he even wondered if he wasn’t just a pill for Annika to pop to get over Stefan.  He was always pretty insecure about the whole matter.  Vasko thought that Stefan had had such a profound emotional influence on Annika that he would never be able to match up.  He was not Stefan and it seemed that Annika had loved Stefan too much. Would Stefan have stayed with Annika instead of leaving for the US, Vasko wondered?  Most probably yes, and most probably that was why Annika had loved him so much.

There was only one situation that had put Vasko to the test and he had failed.  From the very first try, he was immediately disqualified.  Would Annika give him a chance to re-take the test? That's what she’d written in the e-mail, but did she mean it?  Vasko had no idea what he should do.  His heart did not whisper the answer, his soul did not provide the solution and Annika's e-mail did not tell him anything specific.  In short – he was lost.

****

Annika's life in Amsterdam was full of new experiences.  She found many new people, her lifestyle was completely different and she felt very happy.  Her patients were very different, but she loved them all.  The mere thought that she could help them and ease their pain was enormously gratifying.

With each day that passed, she loved Amsterdam more.  Annika enjoyed the free spirit of the crazy city with all its colours – red lights, green parks and the blue river.  With each day she found she was successfully integrating into its life more and more.  Like a real Amsterdamer, Annika bought a very nice bike which took her everywhere she wanted to go.  In the evenings she sat on the windowsill, looked at the sunset and breathed in the second-hand marijuana.

She did not buy a television.  The only items of civilization were a small stereo, her laptop and the coffee machine.  By now her room had become a calm, cosy, warm place which she loved coming back to.  By now she already had a few friends and not all the evenings were lonely.  She went out with them twice a week.  Things were beginning to fall into place.

Annika was also back in cyber space.  This time she relied on e-mails and did not spend her time in chat rooms.  There were very few people she kept in touch with: her parents, a few friends and Vasko...

Vasko was trying to claw back their previous romance, but for the time being things were suspended in mid-air.  Annika was vague.  It seemed as though Vasko had to make her fall in love with him again.  But after what he had done, and given where they were both living, he was not sure that it was possible.

****

Vasko knew that he would lose Annika unless he did something crazy, drastic and extraordinary.  Time and distance were adding to the emotional divide.  He was slowly losing her and that is exactly when he finally realised that she meant everything to him and that she was all he really needed.

Vasko had not had a happy childhood.  He had always lacked the warmth and attention most children got from their parents. Vasko thought it normal, but when he met Annika and experienced what it was to be loved and be cared for, then he finally felt the contrast.  After Annika left, Vasko retired to the colder side of his life and he desperately wanted the warmth back.  Especially he longed for Annika's warmth.

That was why he spent days thinking what to do and how to recover what he was fast losing.  He hated the e-mails he and Annika exchanged because they were so artificial.  How could they write loveless e-mails after what had happened to them and after what they had shared together?  Yet again Vasko tried to chase away Stefan's ghost from his head.  He was beginning to become obsessed by the guy – something that made him feel angry, insecure and irritated.  He knew they were almost complete opposites and, knowing how much Annika had loved Stefan, he wondered if she could ever love him as strongly too.  In short, he kept torturing himself every single day.

One day Vasko finally woke up to the realisation that enough was enough.  He had to act instead of feeling sorry for himself.  He had to be honest with himself and with Annika.  He had to tell her everything he felt inside face-to-face and wait for what would happen next.  After all, even if things did not work out, he would at least know that he had tried.  Vasko went on-line and bought himself a ticket to Amsterdam.

His graduation was in two weeks’ time and his flight was just after his final exam.

24

Annika was slowly regaining her balance.  She regretted the fact that, although everything seemed fine, she slept alone at night and neither one of her big loves had lasted.  She still loved both of them, but with each passing day it seemed as if none of it mattered any more.  Both guys were far away, and all she had left were her memories.  The strangest thing of all was that she thought of both of them.  She missed both of them too.  Reality whispered to her that both stories were behind her but her soul kept saying that, no matter what, both were still in her life and in her heart.

Vasko's e-mails were warm and kind, but the magic did not seem to be there anymore.  No matter how much she loved him, the bitterness was still around.  She still felt betrayed and could not forgive him completely.  The fact that he had done absolutely nothing to change matters only proved to her that Vasko thought his choice was justified.

In order to somehow fill the two vast voids in her soul, Annika read a lot, spent time with her new friends and worked overtime.  There were a few patients who eventually became her best friends.  Regardless of the two aching voids, Annika liked the way things were turning out in the end.  She enjoyed living in Holland and being given another opportunity to help people.

As for the men in her life, she was getting by with a few one night stands.  Pure sex with no emotions involved.  Amsterdam was a horny city and she needed sex once in a while.  So far it had worked out fine.  She did not feel as if she was betraying anyone, although sometimes she did speculate on what Vasko would say if he were to find out.