Highfall (21 page)

42

From the day Stefan's book hit the bestseller list, the media went crazy over it.  The fact that he’d written the book in jail and was still inside made the story twice as attractive.  That is why the media wanted to squeeze every last drop out of it.  All of them tried to contact Stefan and ask for interviews.  A lot of them were offering quite respectable sums of money.  TV channels were calling up the prison every day.

Stefan refused every single proposal.  He declined all kinds of official and unofficial meetings with representatives of the media.  Stefan refused to explain anything about his book or discuss his life any further.  He refused to agree to receive or answer any questions even in writing.  He owed them nothing – neither explanations nor a friendly attitude.

When he was just another junkie no one cared.  Apart from Flame, no one had come to see him in the three years he had been there.  Stefan was part of the “problem” group of people that society preferred to ignore.  They did not want to understand or help.  All they wanted was to be as far away as possible from people like Stefan.

Now things were different.  Now he was a success story.  Sales of a few hundred thousand books meant he had become talented and attractive.  Over 50,000 words and he had become someone writers wanted to be like.  Well, the truth was that success was the last word Stefan would have used to describe his life.  He was as miserable as before.  He thought that with the honesty of his book everyone would see that, but amazingly they saw something completely different.  Now he had all the components of modern happiness – he had money and he was famous.  In about a month he would be free too.  What people did not understand from reading his book was that his life had no meaning, his soul was empty and his only love lost.

43

Annika and Vasko were having dinner together.  Things were no different except for the fact that Annika's thoughts were on the book, which was hidden at the bottom of her bag.  She could hardly wait for Vasko to fall asleep.  Annika needed to get back to it.  She needed to read the story to the end.  She had to know...

Around midnight, when Vasko's breathing became stable and calm, Annika sneaked out of their bed.  She felt like a thief but at the same time she knew that there was no other choice.

In her pyjamas she sat in the living room and continued reading.  She heard the silence around her and felt the darkness beyond the window.  Periodically Annika felt pangs of guilt.  She was torn between Vasko, who was asleep in their bedroom, and Stefan, who was taking her away from Vasko with each word in the book.  Annika was losing her balance with every single page she turned.  Periodically her tears blurred her vision and landed on the pages.

Finally she was finding the answers to the question that had tortured her for years.  She had never known whether Stefan had felt her absence at all.  Whether he had missed her, or had not even noticed the difference between being with her or being without her.

“Worst of all were the times when I wasn’t drugged up to the eyeballs and I could see things clearly.  That was when the pain from the disease and the pain from losing Annika hit me hardest.  That was when I longed to get my injection and crawl right back into my other world.  I could not bear reality.  In my drugged, apathetic state I thought I was still with Annika.  I created different scenarios in my distorted mind.  Sometimes I convinced myself that she was at work and would come back soon.  At other times I convinced myself that my car had not hit Annika at the bus stop and we had not yet met, so all our future still lay ahead.  At other times I mixed heroin with alcohol and cocaine and as a result I was able to convince myself that Monica was Annika.  When I did get a foothold back in reality, I’d thank God that Annika no longer saw me in this state.  No matter how miserable I looked and felt, I still had my dignity hidden deep inside.”...

When she read the words, her throat tightened and she took a deep breath.

“I feel as if I need no more.  No amount of money could buy this, here, now.  Very romantic.  Forbidden ecstasy.

My heart is beating faster and breathing is hard.  I can hardly control it.  I cannot catch my breath, there is no air.  Nobody could take me higher; nobody ever made me feel this way.  Like nothing else I could ever need, you were so into me.  I hear you whispering....something I don’t quite understand ...

My eyes, black as night.  Between my fingers I hold you tight, hold on to your thick hair.  I could only smile when the pleasure came: the feeling was going to take over.  You pulled all the shadows out of me.  The heat coming from me led us ever higher, together.

You could feel lips pressed on yours.  Lips.... soft and sweet.  You could smell the scent of me.  You could feel my breathing on your skin.  But you couldn’t move.  Your eyes refused to open. Nothing ....but feeling...... Then you felt tender fingers touching your face....neck...chest...your stomach......

Gentle fingers touching your wrist ....lips biting your lips......and that feeling…coming...and rising .....It would shake the earth beneath anyone’s feet.  Not able to think......  When you want someone, you can’t deny the truth.  It was the other side of me.  Godless.  No one needed to apologize.  It’s
what you didn’t say that made so much sense.  Just free my....yours...our souls.

Feels like I’ve always been lost in your dream.  Keep on dreaming me!  Never wake up from me”

Annika remembered that her diary had been together with all her belongings which she had left in their apartment.  She was amazed to find out that Stefan had kept it.  So that's how in his book he had been able to explain so precisely Annika's feelings and thoughts from their times together.

The thought that he had read her diary made her shiver.  No matter how hard she tried to recall what else was written in it, she could not.

“
Dear Stefan,

I know that karma exists and it finally caught up with me.  What I did was wrong and unfair.  But it’s not what we did to Annika that I am thinking of now.  I somehow managed to put that behind me.  What I did was in fact much worse.  I lied to myself.  I convinced myself that you had put it all behind you too.  That you loved me and that everything would be okay.  I knew it was not true, but I wanted it so badly that eventually my lies became my illusions of the truth.  You were too drugged and too wrecked to do anything, and I took advantage of that.  In the church you finally stood up for yourself, which means that there is still hope for you.

Take care!

Monica
”

Annika felt paralyzed after reading Monica's letter.  She was amazed to realise that she never even considered that Monica might love Stefan too.  Now, reading her letter, Annika felt how desperately in love with Stefan Monica had been.

How twisted everything was after all.  How many different fates, how many different people and how much pain... They all fell over so many times... Some like Monica gave up at some point and never got back on their feet again.  The rest kept standing up and falling down, passing through the sunny and shady parts of their lives and following the absolutely unexpected turns life threw at them.

Life was being ironic again.  Just as soon as Annika thought that all the storms had calmed down, that the major difficulties in her life were behind her at last and she finally felt happy and fulfilled, life came and slapped her in the face as if to wake her up and bring her back to reality.    Annika thought that she was standing firmly on both feet, but that damn book had proved she wasn’t.

When she finished the book, her whole life had passed through her mind and soul.  She had relived her past and discovered many new things about Stefan.  Finally all the questions that had tortured her for years had found their answers.  Annika had always thought that if she had the answers she would feel better, but it was just the opposite.  She felt worse than ever.

“Damn you, Stefan Hristovsky, as always you messed things up again,” Annika thought to herself.

44

This was his last night in jail.  Stefan did not know what to expect from the “outside” world.  He had no idea how life would turn out when he became a free man again.  When he was writing the book he did not feel alone, because he had his obsession, which took up all his time and made the days fly by.  Now, without that perfect distraction, he felt empty.  After he had poured out his heart and soul on those pages, there was absolutely nothing left inside.

At least he had managed to ask the authorities to announce that he was to be released a week later than he actually was.  Like that he could avoid the unwanted attention of all those strangers who had been trying to reach him for the past few months.  Flame was the only one who knew the truth and who was going to come and pick him up.  Stefan had never understood why Flame stuck with him till the end.  He knew that that's how real friends were supposed to be but Stefan never believed that it happened in real life.  Now he had to admit that it did.  It seemed as if even lost and broken people like him had best friends.

****

“Hello.”

“Hello Flame.” Annika's voice was very uncertain.

“Annika?”  Flame was both happy and amazed to hear her voice after so many years.

“Yeah, hmmmm... it's me.” She felt pretty awkward.

“How are you?” Flame recalled their last meeting and her beautiful pale face.

“I am fine, thanks.  I just read Stefan's book...,” Annika replied.

“Hmmm, pretty overwhelming, isn't it?”  Flame already understood why Annika was calling.

“I am sure you know when he is getting out,” said Annika.

“Yup, I am going to pick him up the day after tomorrow at 2pm,” Flame answered.

“May I ask you a favour?” ....

They spoke for about twenty minutes.  Flame could feel that Annika was confused.  She was at a crossroads and did not know which way to go.  It seemed like all those years Annika had spent growing strong had just been swept aside by Stefan's book.  She was very sensitive and vulnerable again.

Flame felt a strong urge to be close to Annika, to hug her in his arms and calm her down.  He had always wanted to protect her.  It had taken him several years to get used to the fact that all he could do was watch over her from far away.  It seemed as though Flame was not bad enough - like Stefan, nor good enough - like Vasko.  In short, he was not for her.  Or even if he was, she did not think so.

Flame cared so much for Annika's happiness that he did not even try to approach her.  He never considered telling how he felt about her.  Many people would say that he was supposed to fight for his feelings but, instead, he fought against his feelings.  Flame still thought that he had done the right thing, no matter how regrettable the outcome.

After their conversation Flame spent some time thinking about the past.  Flame did not know what the future was going to bring to Stefan and Annika, but he decided to keep his fingers crossed for both of them.

45

Today was the day.  After several years Stefan was to regain his freedom.  The problem was that he did not know what to do with it.  Stefan had no idea how he was going to adapt to his completely new life.  Starting from today he was going to have a completely different life.  Life without bars or the familiar, if not (by now) friendly walls of his cell... Life without heroin or apathy... Life with a clear understanding of reality...  Life with Annika as his new addiction... Life with no expectations...  Empty, meaningless, unexciting life...

Nothing of his past life remained.  All his belongings were gone and the room he used to rent was now occupied by someone else.  The only thing he had from his past was Annika's diary, which he read over and over again.  He especially loved the parts where Annika described how much she loved him.  It took him back to their happy times and helped him escape from reality.  Leafing through the diary pages took him back to the brightest times of his life and it felt wonderful.

Now he was going to start from scratch.  A fresh new start...  But what for?  No matter how much apathy heroin caused, it could never get close to the genuine apathy Stefan now felt.  He felt drug-free, purpose-free, love-free and meaning-free...  Stefan felt too free to be happy.  Free, unattached and uninvolved...

Anyone who read his book might think that his release would bring a new beginning.  He would have a completely new life, which would be a better one.  With his new money and fame, he would be able to do anything he wanted.  What they did not know was that he only wanted Annika.  No matter how much money he had or how famous he was, he would never have her in his life again.

So, to hundreds of thousands of people, today was a fresh beginning for him - but to Stefan personally it felt like the end.