Hip Check (New York Blades) (26 page)

39

“My turn!”

Michelle’s father had a childlike grin on his face as he handed the Magic 8 Ball over to Nell. Dinner had gone well: she’d outdone herself in the cooking department, and Esa and her dad seemed to get along just fine. Even so, Michelle could see when Esa stopped actually enjoying her dad’s needling and started pretending to enjoy it. It was all in the tightness of his smile. Her dad, thankfully, remained oblivious.

The thing that mattered most was that Nell was having a wonderful time. She’d been thrilled when Michelle had produced traditional British Christmas crackers. They tore them apart and everyone, including Esa, who wasn’t known as someone who liked to look ridiculous, wore the paper crowns they found inside. A feeling as soothing as sinking down in a warm bath suffused Michelle when, at one point, she’d glanced around the dinner table. The word that came to mind was “family.” This was her family. And right now, her family was playing with Nell’s Magic 8 Ball waiting for their food to settle a bit before dessert.

They’d been having a blast passing the ball around, their questions ranging from the mundane (“Will it rain tomorrow?”) to the outlandish (“Are Chihuahuas really tiny aliens?”). Nell loved it. Which is why she had one arm outstretched, fingers wiggling impatiently at Nell’s dad, who was cradling the ball.

“Wait a minute, kiddo,” he said. “I think if you’re over sixty you’re allowed to go two times in a row.”

“I think not, Ed,” Nell said primly, making the adults laugh as she took the ball from him.

Nell closed her eyes, her hands cupped around the black plastic ball as if it were cradling something sacred. “Will Michelle and Uncle Esa get married?” she intoned, shaking the ball hard. She opened her eyes. “It says ‘Yes’!” She looked at Esa and Michelle excitedly. “It does!”

“It’s just a game,” Esa reminded her with an indulgent smile.

“But it
could
happen,” Nell insisted. “I’m going to ask again!”

Michelle contemplated stilling her hand and telling her she was being silly, but that would look suspicious. It
was
just a game.

Nell closed her eyes, asked the same question again, shook the ball vigorously, and opened her eyes. “It says ‘Without a doubt’!” she squealed. “You two
are
getting married! I knew it!”

“Nellie.” Michelle’s dad’s voice was gentle. “It’s just a game, kiddo. It’s not based on anything real.”

“Yes, it is! Uncle Esa and Michelle are going out and they could fall in love and get married, so it could happen!”

Michelle wasn’t sure how to characterize the silence that ensued. “Awkward” and “uncomfortable” seemed a little too flimsy. Maybe uneasy? No, no. no. She was beating around the bush. The word was
embarrassing
.

“I didn’t know Michelle and Uncle Esa were going out!” Michelle’s dad said to Nell with a false brightness that made Michelle want to cringe.

Nell nodded seriously. “Oh, yes.”

Michelle’s father’s eyebrows shot up, looking like twin mountain peaks. “Well, that’s interesting. Michelle didn’t say anything to me—and I’m her dad!”

Nell looked at Michelle quizzically. “How come you didn’t say anything to your dad, Michelle?”

“Because I didn’t want to make a big announcement,” Michelle explained to Nell—and her father.

“Telling your own
father
you’re dating someone isn’t making a big announcement,” he insisted, “unless it’s something you’re ashamed of.”

Nell wrinkled her nose in confusion. “But why would Michelle—”

“She wouldn’t be,” Michelle cut in softly. She went to fix her eyes on her dad, but his gaze was already locked on Esa.

“What about you? You have anything to say?”

“Me?” Esa replied coolly. “No.” He playfully snatched the ball from Nell. “My turn!”

* * *

After playing with
the Magic 8 Ball, Michelle had thought for sure her father would tell Nell that dinner had made his belly rumble and he couldn’t stay for dessert. That had always been one of his favorite ways of escaping an uncomfortable situation. But instead he’d stayed, which could mean only one thing: he wanted to talk to Michelle. She supposed it was necessary, if only to fill in some of the blanks. But she wasn’t looking forward to it.

“Do you want to talk to him together?” Esa offered after they’d put Nell to bed. They were standing in the hallway outside her bedroom. Michelle’s dad was in the living room watching
Sports Center
.

“That obvious, huh?” Michelle hadn’t said a word to him about her father wanting to talk.

“Yeah.”

“You know what? I think I’ll talk to him on my own,” Michelle decided aloud. “I’m an adult, for God’s sake. It’s not like we’re two fourteen-year-olds who were caught screwing around in the basement.”

Esa wrapped his arms around her. “Well, I’m here if you need me.” He kissed her mouth softly. “Today was wonderful. Nell was so happy.”

“I know.”

“I was happy, too,” he said.

“Even though my dad wouldn’t shut up about the Islanders?”

“Even with that.” Esa looked down at her, his expression so serene it almost brought tears to her eyes. “Were you happy today, Michelle?”

Michelle leaned her forehead against his chest for a moment, laughing softly. “Well, my day isn’t quite over yet.” She looked back up at him. “But so far? Yes, very happy.”

“Here’s hoping it stays that way.”

* * *

“You know I
don’t beat around the bush.”

“I know that, Dad.”

“Never have, never will.”

“True.”

“So when I tell you that I’m shocked, I’m not joking. What the
hell
is going on here? Are you crazy? You could destroy your reputation!”

“Dad.” Michelle sat next to her father on the couch, her feet tucked beneath her. She was close enough to see the needle-fine network of red lines on his cheeks, and just how dark those black arcs beneath his eyes were. He looked tired, but she’d thought that even as a little girl. True to his word, he had cut right to the chase.

Michelle reached for his hand. “I’m not going to destroy my reputation. But since that’s the first thing you mentioned, let’s talk about that first.”

Her father shook her hand off angrily. “Michelle, you’re not a goddamn teacher trying to reassure some overwrought kid!”

“Wrong. That’s
exactly
who I am, because I have to be. I don’t want to get into some stupid, unnecessary argument with you when you don’t even know what’s going on.”

Her father looked insulted. “Who said anything about arguing?”

“Gee, Dad, I don’t know. Maybe I thought something like that could happen because you told me you were shocked, asked me if I was crazy, and informed me I could destroy my reputation, all in the space of thirty seconds?”

Her father looked peevish as he hoisted himself forward to pour himself a glass of whiskey. “Well, what the hell am I supposed to think?”

“What were you thinking before Nell spilled the beans? Probably that Esa was a really nice guy, and that it was great that Nell seemed so happy and well-adjusted, right?
Right
?”

Her father’s expression turned resentful. “Yeah, but—”

“No buts. That’s the thing: no buts. Esa
is
a really nice guy. Nell
is
happy and well-adjusted.”

“He’s also your boss. I seem to remember a very dedicated nanny who took her Code of Ethics very seriously. What happened?”

“Look. You know me. Do you think this is something I would ever have courted in a work situation?
Ever?
”

Her father took a long, slow, sip from his whiskey. “He seduced you, didn’t he?”

“Oh my God. No, he did not seduce me.” She reached for one of the small gingerbread cookies on the plate on the coffee table and tore off its head with her teeth. “Do you realize how insulting it is to me when you say that? It makes me sound like I’m some helpless little girlie who’s been overcome by the big bad hockey player—”

“With a reputation for fucking everything that moves,” her father finished sharply.

Michelle hit right back. “I’m not everything that moves.”

“Oh, so you’re special. Did he tell you that?”

“Goddammit, Dad,” Michelle cursed as she snapped off the gingerbread man’s left leg. “Will you stop for a minute and let me talk?”

“Be my guest.”

“I’m the last person who ever thought she’d be in a situation like this. I’m sure every nanny who has ever gotten involved with her employer has said that. But I don’t care about those other nannies; I care about me and Esa and Nell.

“Of course we tried to avoid this! The only way to really do that would have been for me to stop being Nell’s nanny, but considering how much that kid’s been through, that seemed like a bad idea. Believe me, the last man on earth I ever saw myself getting involved with is Esa Saari, okay?”

Her father threw his hands up. “That’s what I don’t understand! You know what he is, but you get with him anyway?”

“I know what he
was
.” Michelle leaned forward, elbows on knees, cradling her forehead on an open palm. She suddenly felt incredibly tired. It had been a long day, and it was catching up with her: the cooking, the playing with toys, the worries about her father not liking Esa, and now this.
This
—which was all her fault. Because in trying to avoid making “a big announcement,” she’d instead created a tangled ball of confusion, mistrust, and suspicion that her father was going to kick Esa’s way. She should have said something to her dad on the telephone before he came over. “Look, just so you know . . .” Something like that. But would he have come over if she had?

Michelle slowly lifted her head. Her father was looking at her expectantly.

“I’m not asking you to try to understand something even I don’t understand, okay? All I ask is that you give me some credit here. I’m not a stupid woman, nor am I naive or gullible or easily taken in. So when I tell you that Esa and I are having a relationship, and it’s good, and that the two of us with Nell feel like a real family, all I’m asking is that you accept what I’m saying is true. You don’t have to like it, but please accept it. Because the relationship isn’t going away.”

Her father shook his head, incredulous. “This isn’t my Michelle.”

Michelle made a fist, punching her thigh. “Dad, it is! You just refuse to believe it because the situation is so unconventional.”

Her father snorted. “I’ll say.”

Indignation stabbed at Michelle like an adrenalin needle to the heart. “Excuse me?”

“Honey, have you stopped to think what kind of message you’re sending Nell, the two of you sleeping together?”

“I know you won’t believe it, but
yes
. The message she’s getting is honesty. Creeping back and forth in the night is crazy; it makes it seem like what we’re doing is something to be ashamed of, when it isn’t. Seeing the two of us together also makes her feel that much more secure.” Michelle paused, picturing Nell asleep in bed right now. “It makes her feel like she’s part of a family,” she finished softly.

Her father grimaced. “Except the three of you aren’t a family, Michelle. He could fire you. He could break up with you and tell you he’s looking for another nanny and that he never wants you to see Nell again.”

“He would never do that!”

“That’s not the point.”

“That
is
the point!” The apartment seemed to gasp in silence at the sound of Michelle’s raised voice. She hoped it wasn’t loud enough for Esa to hear. The worst thing that could happen right now would be for him and her father to get into some sort of “discussion.” Both were stubborn men who backed down only if forced. She’d be cleaning blood off the walls and floors for days.

“That
is
the point,” Michelle repeated, a little less vehemently. “He would never hurt Nell.”

“Four months ago he didn’t give a shit about the kid. Now you’re nominating him for Uncle of the Year?”

Michelle slipped her hands beneath her legs so her father couldn’t see her balling them into tight fists. “He’s trying, Dad.”

“I don’t care about him. I care about
you
. What happens to
you
.”