Hip Check (New York Blades) (29 page)

His mother frowned but didn’t argue, at least for now.

Out of the corner of his eye, Esa spotted Nell emerging from the ladies room. “Let’s try to enjoy the rest of dinner, okay? For Nell’s sake.”

42

“I can’t live
here full time right now. I have to help take care of my dad.”

Michelle waited until Esa and Nell had been back from London a few days before discussing this new development with Esa. She’d been dreading it, because she knew he’d give her the look she was getting right now: confusion. He’d looked bewildered by her tepid reaction to the big hug and kiss he gave her when he returned. But then his expression turned worried and he said, “You look so exhausted.” It made Michelle feel guilty. Granted, she was emotionally drained from the situation with her father, but that was only a small part of why she wasn’t greeting him like a woman thrilled with her lover’s return.

She’d had to wall off her emotions when Nell saw her and practically jumped into her arms. Nell was so excited she launched into a rapid-fire description of what Michelle had missed by leaving London early. She became anxious when she asked about Michelle’s dad, but Michelle assured her that he was fine, and that Nell could visit as soon as he was up to it.

Luckily, Nell was itchy to get to one of the myriad books she’d bought in London. She said her good-byes and headed off to her room to curl up on her bed to read.

Michelle sat down on the couch, tucking her legs beneath her, then changed her mind. Tucking them under her was her “hanging out” pose. It was the way she sat when the three of them watched TV or movies together, and she worried that sitting that way now made it look like she was settling in for the night when she wasn’t. Esa was observant, his gaze quizzical as he sat beside her. Michelle looked away, squinting her eyes as if she were trying to see if the plants in the window were in need of watering. It gave her a few seconds to compose herself. The last thing she wanted was to kick off the conversation by crying.

“Tell me what’s going on.”

Michelle turned back to Esa, guilt shoving at her insides like a bully. “It’s like I said. My dad will be home in a few days, and he needs me to help take care of him.”

Esa’s brows knit together in complete and utter confusion. “Michelle—”

“On the mornings you have to be at practice early, I swear I will be here to get Nell off to school,” she promised. “And on the days you have home games and have to leave early for Met Gar, I’ll pick her up from school. I’ll try to be here as much as I can. But I can’t live in. Not right now.”

Esa pressed his lips together. “I still don’t understand.”

“What don’t you understand?”

“Your brother lives with your father, right?”

“My brother has a job, Esa.”

“So do you.”

She resisted the urge to say, “So when it suits you, I’m just an employee,” and instead said, “He’s going to help out as much as he can by trying to get as many shifts as he can, to make as much money as he can. That’ll be his way of helping my dad. My father’s insurance coverage is laughable. He’s already been in the hospital for three days, and they’re keeping him for at least three more because he’s developed a bad cold. Tomorrow he starts having to pay out of pocket.”

Esa shook his head disdainfully. “Insane. This country needs socialized medicine, like in Finland.”

“I know it’s insane. But these are the same bastards who tried to deny health care coverage to firefighters who got cancer after nine eleven,” Michelle said bitterly, thinking about two good friends of her brother’s, survivors of the Twin Towers, who had died from cancer before they were forty.

“Anyway,” she continued, “my dad really doesn’t have the money, but my brother and I can help defray the costs. I have some money saved, so that’ll help as well.”

Esa reached for Michelle’s hand and squeezed it. She knew from the look of compassion spreading across his face what he was thinking.

“No,” she said.

“You don’t even know what I was thinking!”

“Yes, I do. And the answer is no. No help from you. It has to come from me. I owe him.” She longed to twine her fingers through his, hold on tight, but she wouldn’t let herself. She gently slid her hand out from under his.

His voice was steady. “You owe him how?”

Try as she might, Michelle couldn’t hold back tears. “You and I caused his heart attack. He was fine and then he found out about us, and—”

She looked down at her lap, screwing her eyes shut tight.

“You’ve got to be kidding me.” Esa sounded angry. “He said this to you?”

“No—”

“Who, then? Your fucking brother, trying to make you feel guilty?”

“I do feel guilty,” Michelle whispered. “That’s the whole point!”

“Oh my God.” Esa covered his face with his hands for a moment. “I can’t believe I’m hearing this. How often have you told me your father never took care of himself?”

“Look at the timing, Esa. He was extremely upset when he walked out of here Christmas night. Finding out about us put him over the edge.”

“You’re exhausted and overwrought right now, and it’s making you irrational. Something terrible has happened to your father, and you can’t bear to blame him, so you’re blaming us. And your shit of a brother is fanning the flames.”

Michelle scowled at him. “You’re not helping.”

Esa looked frustrated. “What do you expect me to do, Michelle? Listen to you talk this craziness and just accept it?”

“You could try to be more supportive.”

“How can I support something ridiculous?”

“Because I’m asking you to!” She swallowed. “For me.”

“Fine,” Esa said, exasperated. “For you. Anything else?”

“I can’t see you anymore,” Michelle whispered. “It’ll stress him out, and it’ll stress me out, worrying about trying to take care of him, Nell, and balance a relationship with you. I can’t.”

“I don’t fucking believe this. I really don’t.” Esa stood up then, and began to pace. Michelle could have sworn his lips were moving, that he was talking to himself, trying to figure things out. Finally, he planted himself right in front of her. “So you think we can go back to the way things were? Employer and employee. Sexual tension. Look, but don’t touch. You think that can work?”

“It’s just the way it has to be right now.”

Esa shook his head, incredulous. “I find this amazing, that you, the strongest woman I know, is letting someone else dictate how she lives her life.”

Michelle glared at him. “He’s my father, Esa. And if that’s the way it has to be for him to get better, then I’ll do it.”

“Right. Let’s follow this through. Let’s assume he gets better. Then what? We resume a relationship?”

“I don’t know. I haven’t thought that far ahead.”

Esa frowned. “Don’t delude yourself. You and I both know it won’t happen. Your father and brother will convince you it’ll set off another heart attack.”

Michelle felt as if someone had put burning coals to both her cheeks. “That’s not true.”

Esa snorted derisively. “Yes, it is.” His gaze traveled down the white hallway leading to the bedrooms. “Have you thought about the impact all of this will have on Nell? I don’t think so.”

“That’s not fair.” Michelle’s hands knotted tightly in her lap. “I’m going to explain it to her so she knows I’m not in any way abandoning her, and I’m going to make it clear to her that I’ll be back living here full-time as soon as I can. I’m not disappearing from her life, Esa. You know that.”

“Just turning it upside down.”

“That’s not fair
.
”

“It is fair,” Esa said adamantly. “You and I coordinating schedules, Nell’s schedule—you’re assuming it will all go like clockwork. What happens if it doesn’t? What are we—excuse me, I—what am I going to do then? Bring in a sitter she doesn’t know? Have a cab pick her up at school and bring her to Met Gar when I have a game, so she can sleep in a sky box until the game is over? What about away games?”

“I’ll make sure Jamie doesn’t take shifts those nights.”

Esa sat back down, cradling his head in his hands. “This is crazy. You’re complicating things that don’t need to be complicated. If you would just let me help out, there would be no need for all this. Things could stay as they are.”

“No, they couldn’t!” Michele said angrily. “My father just had a
heart attack
! He had triple bypass! Did you ever think there’s a part of me that wants to take care of him until he’s back on his feet because he’s the only parent I have left? Can you understand
that
?”

Esa was silent for a long time. “Yes, believe it or not.” Another long silence. “I think it’s better if we consider the romantic part of our relationship over for good. Reconciliation is unlikely, because your father and brother will work on you.” He sat down and ran his knuckles across her cheek gently. “I don’t want to do it. I know it will be hard when both of us are here, but we’re grown-ups, we’ve dealt with it before. I think as long as Nell sees we’re still friends, she’ll be all right.”

“Yes, I think she’ll be all right.” Michelle’s mind was a Tilt-A-Whirl. “I’m going to go talk to her.”

“We could do it together if you’d like.”

“I think I’d like to do it on my own. Us doing it together might complicate things.”

“Things are already complicated,” Esa said coldly.

Michelle ignored both his comment and the chilliness in his voice as she hugged her arms tightly around her own waist, rocking a little. She hadn’t anticipated this conversation hurting as much as it did.

Esa rose. “One more thing, before you talk to Nell.”

“Of course.”

He came to her, unwrapping her arms as delicately as one might unwrap a fragile gift. The right thing to do would be to pull away, but Michelle let him take her in his arms for the last time. “I’m here for you,” he murmured, his gaze melting into hers, bearing a promise. “You know that. Whatever you need, all you have to do is ask.” Michelle was silent. “I’m not talking about money, although if you change your mind and need that, you know it’s not a problem. I mean emotional support.”

Michelle sensed he was struggling. “I know I’m not the most verbal man, that I have a hard time expressing my feelings. But you’re important to me, Michelle. More important than anyone else. You know what I’m saying, yes?”

Michelle closed her eyes, resting her forehead against his chest. She wasn’t sure she could bear to look at him, not now when he’d just declared what she hadn’t realized she’d been longing to hear, not now when she chose to end the sweetness between them.

Yet painful as it was, she didn’t resist when he put an index finger beneath her chin, tilting her face up to look at his.

“Thank you,” he whispered.

“For what?” Michelle felt her heart beginning to splinter.

“The time we spent together.” He looked pained. “It’s just so ridiculous that—”

Finally, the perfect excuse to ease out of his arms. “Don’t,” she begged. “Please.”

“I’m sorry.” He glanced at his watch. Michelle knew it was more to give himself something to do in the face of this awkwardness than anything else. “Go on and talk to Nell.”

* * *

“You’ll be coming
back to live here all the time though, right?”

Nell’s need for assurance didn’t surprise Michelle in the least. Given Nell’s history, she knew that no matter how carefully she laid out all the facts, Nell would still have a deep-rooted fear of abandonment.

“Of course I will.”

A tiny part of Michelle wished her answer could be, “No, honey, I can’t.” Esa was right: how, exactly, were they going to go back to a platonic relationship? The more she thought about it, the more she realized it was delusional to think they could just turn back time. There would be all kinds of tension, and Nell would pick up on it in a heartbeat. “Maybe your dad could get better here. It’s bigger. We do have a bigger telly.”

“I think he’d probably like to recuperate in his apartment, sweetie.”

“But have you asked him?”

“Nell,” Michelle said in a mildly chiding voice.

“I
know
.” She stretched out on her back, looking up at the ceiling. “But what if something happens and you can’t come back?”

“Nothing is going to happen,” Michelle assured her. “He got the surgery he needed, and now all he has to do is follow his doctor’s orders and he’ll be back to his old self in no time.”