His Perfect Woman (Urban Hearts Series Book 1) (28 page)

“That’s not it. I trust you, it’s just…”

She said it for him, the words not yet formed entirely in her head. She and Ross had done nothing more than kiss when she was still married, and yet, it was so much more than that.

“Just because I kissed you back then, does not mean—”

“Did you kiss him? Jonathan?” Ross’s voice sounded irrevocably hurt.

“I…” Her voice failed.

“I have to go,” he said softly and the dial tone sounded in her ear.

She clicked off the phone and jammed it into her pocket, then pulled it out a second later to switch the power off.

“Everything okay?” Jonathan asked when she caught up with them.

“Sure.” At Jonathan’s look, she knew she didn’t look okay, but she forced a smile and shrugged her shoulders trying to shake it off as Eli regaled her with some historical fact that had sparked his interest.

They arrived home late and Jonathan had carried a sleeping Eli, while she headed to her guest room. As he was climbing the stairs, he whispered over their son to stay up and have a nightcap in the library. She turned around, entering the room to wait.

The library was not really a library at all, most of the books in the house were stored in Charles’ office, but the room did sport a complete set of works by Shakespeare in a matched set with gold embossed lettering on the spines. The volumes sat in a place of honor on a dark cherry wood sideboard, with heavy andirons on either side for bookends. The rest of the room was  littered with furniture—two settees, two large for one person and too small to accommodate two, three heavy leather chairs not at all of the period, but comfortable, and a large round coffee table in the middle, made from a hammered brass disc resting on four carved wooden legs.  She had poured two glasses of whiskey from the crystal decanter by the time Jonathan joined her.

“He’s out for the night. I wouldn’t have thought Stonehenge would be that tiring.”

“It’s all that mystical energy,” she said and handed him the glass. He sat in one of the three comfortable chairs—the one his father used to occupy. She sat in the other closest one. Eloise had greeted them, but upon seeing Eli asleep in his father’s arms, she wished them good night and headed to her own room—a tiny smile on her face.

“I think you’re mother thinks were getting back together.” Though why Eloise would be pleased at that, Azure had no clue. From Eloise’s perspective, Kate was much better suited for Jonathan.

“About that.” Jonathan started and then stopped. Az had a thousand thoughts and not one made it to her mouth. “After the funeral…in dad’s office.”

“What about it?”

“I didn’t mean to imply—”

“It was an emotional time. And things happen, it—”

“Didn’t mean anything. Well, it did, but—”

“Not like that.”

“Yes.” he sipped at his whiskey. “You and I will always have a history.” He looked up at her. “Why are you smiling?”

“I said that same thing to Ross—today, in fact.”

“Wait, Ross?” Jonathan slowly put his glass down, his eyes zeroing in on her. “As in Ross Berenger?”

She sighed. May as well get everything out in the open. She nodded. Jonathan said nothing, but the muscle in his cheek twitched like he was grinding his teeth. She swallowed her whiskey in a gulp and then choked, sitting up straight, coughing and sputtering. Jonathan swatted her on the back a couple of times and waited till she could breathe again.

“You okay?” he said.

“Yes, thanks. For a minute I thought you’d let me choke to death.”

“For a moment, I thought about it.”

Az cleared her throat again. She really needed some water and found some under the cabinet where the decanter sat.

“For what it’s worth, I didn’t start seeing Ross until this summer. I mean like seeing him, seeing him.”

“You mean sleeping with him?” Jonathan’s voice held an edge sharp enough to slice her clean through.

“Well, yes.”

“And I’m supposed to believe that?” He watched her steadily, but there was a difference in his look, it wasn’t the old indifference, nor the disdain she’d so often felt in their marriage. But she couldn’t tell if there was pain there or not.

“I’m not going to deny that there was an attraction when we first met, but I never slept with him. Not while you and I were still married.” And then Jonathan said something quite surprising to her.

“Maybe you should have.”

Az almost choked again, this time on plain water.

“What?’

“Maybe if you’d had an affair, you’d have gotten it out of your system and we’d still be together.”

They looked at each other over their glasses and his smile widened just enough for her to see the old Jonathan once more.  “And what a cock-up that would be, wouldn’t it?”

Az giggled.

“Well, now he thinks I’m sleeping with you. We kind of argued about it today.”

Jonathan finished his drink, poured himself another short one while standing at the small antique cabinet that held the liquor. “Isn’t that ironic?” He downed the amber liquid in one swallow. “You certainly know how to keep things interesting, I’ll give you that.” He stretched, tilting his head side to side to get the kinks out of his neck and turning back to her. “Are you happy?”

“Things are still so uncertain, so up in the air. I don’t know.”

He stood in the doorway, and she knew he was wondering the same thing of himself. If they’d made the right decision. But instead of answering, or offering words of wisdom or insight he’d simply bid her good night. Before turning off toward the guest rooms, she stopped him.

“Jonathan?” He stopped on his way up the stairs. “Are we okay?”

He thought for a moment.

“We will be.”

As she climbed into bed, she was hit with a wave of exhaustion, the emotional seesaw she’d been on had finally dropped her on the ground. A thought wavered momentarily in her brain that she should turn on her phone, but it floated away as she fell into a deep sleep.

Her call to Ross’s phone went to voicemail—again. It felt like the same scenario as the year before, and she couldn’t help but berate herself for falling for this man. She had been caught up with Eli and family the next day, and it had been nearly a day and half before she found her phone, still in her jacket pocket. A flood of messages came through when she turned it on and she called him back—all her calls going to damned voicemail. It didn’t matter, she told herself as she packed. She and Eli would be home soon enough. They would make a short stop in Scotland to visit Mal and her Nana and then fly out of Glasgow. The two day stopover would allow her to reconcile herself to going back to an empty house in Denver.

She and Jonathan were tentative around each other and he seemed relieved to have them go. Well, Azure anyway, she knew he’d miss Eli. But he was coming back to the States for Christmas break, and for the first time since the divorce, she felt hope that this visitation thing with Eli would work. It was a lot of travel, but Eli seemed to love it and adapted well to England. She wondered once more what her life would be like now—without Ross in the Denver condo. She’ be back to her career, back to the reality of life with her son. For the first time, it seemed lonely. Tears came with the thought and she brushed them away angrily and went to check her eyes in the mirror. The ever-present Kate was downstairs, and she didn’t want her getting the wrong idea.

“All packed?” Eloise stood just inside the door of the library. She looked pale and several years older than when Az and Jonathan had been here together, almost two years earlier. Losing the love of your life will do that to you. For that matter, Azure probably looked ten years older today as well. At least she felt like it.

“Yes, all ready. We’ll give a call when we get to the farm.”

“Good. Thank you for coming,” Eloise said politely. Out of character, she moved toward Az, holding her arms out for a hug. Moved beyond words, the younger woman hugged her tightly, hoping she wouldn’t cry. 

“Of course, I came. How could I not?” Az spoke softly, afraid to break the mood.

“We haven’t always got along.” Eloise stepped back to look at her. “I realize that you don’t care for me, but—”

“No, I always thought it was the other way around.” Az looked down into the sharp brown eyes. “I mean, you didn’t always approve of me for Jonathan.”

Eloise tilted her head in the direction of the kitchen, where Jonathan and Kate were entertaining Eli. “Eli’s a good boy. He seems happy, even with all the upheaval.”

“He is.”  Az noted the changed of subject to her child.

“I give you credit for that. You’re a good mother.”

“Thanks, Eloise. So are you.”

The older woman chuckled. “I seriously doubt Jonathan and Jane would agree with you on that, at least not all the time.”

Az bit her lip, listening to the rustle in the kitchen and knowing they’d soon be interrupted.

“You know, you’d be welcome to visit. Eli would love to see you anytime.”

Jonathan’s tall frame cast a shadow over the sunny foyer. Kate’s lithe figure wouldn’t be too far behind. Eloise focused on Azure, blinking in slight surprise. Then she smiled.

“Oh heavens, let’s not get ahead of ourselves, dear. Me traveling to the States, why the very idea…” She let her sentence trail off.

“Let me get your bag in the car,” Jonathan said. Whatever the exchange had been before he walked in, he avoided all of it by paying particular attention to her luggage. “Parking at Kings Cross will be horrendous if we don’t leave right now.”

He was right: traffic was crazy, but he insisted on going in with them. He wanted to see Eli off and make sure they got on the right train, etc. Azure was tempted to comment on being a seasoned traveler, but she let it slide. Kate of course, totally agreed with him and Az was about to suggest that Kate take the wheel and drop them off, when Jonathan found a slot and pulled in.

Eventually they found the right train, got the tickets and waited along with throngs of commuters and a few tourists. Jonathan smiled toward his girlfriend.

“Kate, could you take Eli and get him a snack from the vendors?” Pointing to a row of vending machines along one wall, he smiled that smile Az was so familiar with. The one that got him drinks on the house, and extra blankets from airline attendants. The one she called him on after their third date. Momentarily nonplussed, Kate recovered enough to act like it was her idea and took Eli’s hand. Jonathan turned to Azure.

“She’s a nice girl.” Az spoke up before he could. She wanted to be the one to say it. “Not that you need my approval.”

“Well if she’s in my life, she’ll be in Eli’s so…I kind of do.” He looked down at her. The smile he had given Kate was gone, but it was replaced by something else, some kind of relaxed fondness. “I wanted to say that...I hope things work out, for you and Ross—or whomever.”

Az sighed and looked away. “I don’t know. I don’t really know where that’s going. He was great. We were great, are great, I think. But now I can’t get a hold of him. It’s…complicated.”

Jonathan laughed. “Az, it’s always complicated with you. That’s part of your charm.”

“Really? I didn’t think I was that difficult.”

“Not difficult, just—”

“Complicated.”

“Yes.” His lips curved across beautiful white teeth and she startled for a second. It had been a long, long time since she had seen that side of him.

“I hope that you guys will be happy. I really want that—for you to be happy.” Indicating Kate across the terminal, her hand touched his sleeve as she moved.  The material felt soft and rich under her fingers and she pinched it. He’d never worn anything this expensive when they were together, She noticed that one of his dark eyebrows had sprouted two white hairs, and she ran her thumb along it. “You’re getting some grey, old man.” He humpfed and ran a hand over his chin and she spotted grey there too for the first time. But his eyes were the same, the same whisky, amber color—the same clarity as when she’d first met him. “So we’re okay, then? You and I?”

“Yes.” He pulled her to him in a hug. “Thanks for coming, Az, and thanks for letting Eli come for so long. I know how hard it is to be without him.”

“Hard for you, too.” They both pulled away at the same time, with only a touch of awkwardness.

Jonathan looked toward Kate and Eli, making their way back to them and Az turned away from him, not wanting to see his eyes.  “You know, you’re going to have to get rid of the
do me a favor
smile
. Kate will catch on eventually,” Az murmured, not looking at him. He laughed then—a real one.

The train was efficient and clean and on time. Az and Eli settled in, and after an hour of sixteen games of tic-tac-toe, five of them, a tie—he fell asleep on her lap. Alone, she watched the English countryside out her window.  He hadn’t cried upon leaving his father, the excitement of the train ride distracting him, but she knew the tears would come later. The anticipation of seeing Auntie Lindy’s house in Scotland helped take his mind off leaving his dad and grandparents. Grandmother only, now.

Az wondered how she would have introduced him to Ross, if she’d had the chance. As mom’s friend? As the guy who’d been sleeping at their house all summer? As a really good friend, perhaps he was prone to sleepovers?  She brushed all thoughts away, because now, it was a moot point. In all likelihood, Ross thought she was getting back with Jonathan, yet again, and given their history, that wasn’t such a stretch. And if he couldn’t trust her, how could she convince him otherwise?

Regardless of trust issues, or ex-husbands, or lack of communication, there was still the idea that she lived in Denver with a son, and the man of her dreams was in Chicago. His roots were there, his family, his life. She’d asked Jonathan to leave a continent for her and he had, and then she’d left him. What if she were just repeating the pattern?

Rachel had gleefully uprooted herself and moved in with Ben after three short months of dating. Az envied her and her surety about their relationship—either her bravery or stupidity in just going for it.

Az couldn’t bring herself to be that brave. She had Eli to consider. And also, there was the idea that she had moved too quickly before. She’d moved in with Jonathan barely ten months after Tony’s death, and look where that got her.

Eli stirred sleepily in her lap and she stroked his hair. Maybe it wasn’t such a mistake, since it got her Eli, a beautiful little boy. She and Jonathan were friends at last, which is probably what they should have been in the first place. And she had this great life back in Denver, with a new career she loved. Maybe everything in her life brought her to this point for a reason. With one hand, she pulled out a note pad and pencil and started scribbling thoughts down.

She wasn’t a writer. She didn’t keep journals or dabble in poetry or anything, but something compelled her to write it all down and she found herself speaking to Ross.

You know, I thought I was fine. I was okay, living my life alone, trying to make my way, just me and Eli. And then you go and write me this stupidly beautiful letter that made me want you all over again, only more fiercely than ever. That letter brought us together, I’m sure of it. Perhaps words will work their magic again, though mine are not nearly as well-constructed as yours.

I regret not telling you how completely fantastic you are, because you are, unbelievably fantastic, even the way you reorganize my cabinets so that I can’t find anything is fantastic. I regret not having more time with you, not using what time we had to savor every second.  I regret you not meeting my son. He’s the most perfect thing I have ever done.

I hated the way you cleaned my car every time you drove it, putting that awful smelling car freshener in it. Bumblebee was never meant to smell like evergreen pine sol, but I loved you for wanting to do something nice. I hated when you cooked better than I do—making an amazing meal and the most mess I’ve ever seen in my kitchen and looking so proud of it when I came home completely stuffed from some wedding reception. But I loved you enough to eat it anyway.

I hated St Louis. The first time we met I felt so frumpy next to you and your cool collectedness—with your charm, saving lives and making it seem like nothing. Like the biggest thing you did that day was share a cab with me to the airport. I still hate St. Louis, but I love you enough to live through an endless traffic jam. 

Above all, I hate the way we can never seem to really talk when we’re apart. The phones, the texts, the emails get crosswise and we are lost. Maybe the solution is to never, ever be apart from you. But that’s not reality is it? The reality is, I am who I am and that’s someone who’s fallen into love too fast, and then it doesn’t work out. I’m scared of doing that with you and I hate that. I hate that it’s too late to say I won’t fall in love with you. Because I already have—I already am—completely, irrevocably, impossibly in love with you, Ross. And I hate that too.

In all probability, I won’t have the guts to give this to you. Please rescue me from my stupid stubbornness and cowardice and come back so I won’t have to. I promise to take a chance, live more, think less and with you, be gloriously happy.

Azure

She wondered if he’d smile when he read it. If, someday after she was gone, he would finally hear the words she was desperately trying to say.

P.S. there’s several other things that I can’t stand about you, but I really hate the thought of never being able to tell you.  Or you to tell me, everything you can’t stand about me. All of it. I want everything, but most of all, I want you.

A.

Folding the letter into a square, she tucked it away, next to his letter she still kept in the zippered inside pocket of the bag that held everything. Leaning her head against the window, with her arm around her little boy, she slept.