Hit & Mrs. (20 page)

“She's the mama,” Izzy said. “If she wants to go, she goes.”

Ida crossed her arms and looked triumphant.

“Pop, be reasonable.”

“It's decided.”

“Are your passports up to date? Are everyone's, for that matter?”

Unfortunately for Mordecai, everyone confirmed that they were.

“I always keep my passport up to date,” Ida said. “You never know when you might have to pop over to the Holy Land.”

“When was the last time you were in the Holy Land, Ma?”

“Someday I just might go.”

Mordecai looked to the heavens. “Fine, but tell me this. What are we going to do when we get to New York? What if we can't get a hold of her? Where do we go?”

“We wait in the lobby of the Waldorf and dare anyone to move us,” Izzy vowed. “And then we bring her home.”

So that's how one papa, one mama, one uncle, five brothers, and four male cousins all ended up driving to New York City in two vans and a bakery truck.

“Excuse me, Mr. Dumb?” Gemma said.

Dumb ignored her.

Gemma whispered, “I think he's asleep with his eyes open.”

“Should we make a run for it?” Augusta whispered back.

Gemma shook her head. “Not yet. I don't know where the other losers are.” She cleared her throat. “Hey, Dumb.”

Dumb gave a start. “Wha?”

“I need to use the bathroom.”

“Too damn bad.”

Gemma stared at him. “So what am I supposed to do?”

“I don't give a shit.”

“No, apparently not.”

Augusta spoke up. “Haven't you heard of the Geneva Convention? Even the enemy is accorded certain privileges, you know.”

Dumb got off his stool. “I don't care who this Geneva broad is. I make the rules, not her.”

Gemma stood too. “Well, I'm going in the corner, then. Turn around.”

Dumb laughed. “Go ahead.”

“I'm not joking.”

“Right. Do it, lady, I dare ya.” Dumb turned his back.

Gemma took the bucket and poured out a stream of water, which meandered across the room and around Dumb's shoes. He looked down and jumped. “Hey!”

“Now, are you going to let me go to the bathroom or not?”

Dumb scowled and went over to the door and opened it. “The fat broad needs to go to the john.” He turned back to Gemma. “Go with him, and no funny business.”

“I'm not going unless you let the others go too.”

Dumb shook his head. “You ain't goin' at the same time. No way.”

“I don't mean all together. I mean one at a time.”

“Ya got thirty seconds, so move it.”

“Be careful, Gemma,” Augusta said.

“Don't worry about me.” She slipped out the door and Dumber gave her a shove. “Walk in front of me, and don't forget I've got a gun pointed at your back.”

Gemma's eyes scanned about as she walked through the abandoned warehouse. She noted two sets of doors, both on the other side of the room. To run for it wouldn't solve anything. There was nowhere to hide.

Dumber poked her shoulder with what she assumed was the gun. “It's straight ahead.”

She nodded and walked towards a door with dirty fingerprints all around the light switch. She pushed up the switch with the arm of her sweater, went in, and shut the door in Dumber's stupid, sneery face.

She looked around. “Who leaves a toilet looking like this?” She put her hands together. “Holy Mother of God,” she prayed. “Forgive their slovenly ways and may I go home to my family without an infection. Amen.” She kissed the gold cross around her neck.

When she got back, Augusta asked her how awful it was.

“Words fail me.”

Augusta gave a little shudder. She was the next to follow Dumber into the john. Fortunately, she didn't have to use the horrible light switch; Gemma had left it on for her. She, too, wrinkled her nose at the state of the bathroom. “I'm so glad I never had boys.”

Next it was Gracie's turn. But when Dumber escorted her, he spent the whole time commenting on her ass.

“I'd rather have one than be one.”

“What was that?”

“Nothin'.”

“You got a temper, don't ya? I bet you're one hot chick in bed.”

“You'll never know.”

Dumber grabbed her shoulder and turned her around. “Don't be so sure about that. The boss ain't here all the time.”

Gracie smiled at him. “Well then, be my guest. It'll be my great delight to give you the clap.”

He frowned and pushed her towards the bathroom door. “Get in there.”

At least walking to and from the bathroom afforded the captives a little exercise. Then they were back to sitting on their coats in a corner of the room. Keaton kept them entertained with happy smiles and giggles, but he stopped the minute Candy stepped into the room.

Candy rubbed his hands. “Well, don't we look all nice and cozy?”

They didn't speak.

“I called your friends.”

There was silence.

“I told them where to meet us. They were surprisingly abrupt. Yeah, that's the word I would use—or indifferent. I got that tone, ya know, like maybe I interrupted their meal.”

“You're so full of bullshit,” Gemma said.

Candy pointed at her. “I can't wait to shut you up.”

“And I can't wait to see you try.”

Candy laughed. “You remind me of my mother-in-law. Fat and stupid.”

“You're married? I feel sorry for your wife.”

Candy looked at Augusta. “You better tell your friend to shut her big fat mouth, or you're all done for.”

Augusta tossed her head and flipped her hair. “Oh, I don't think I have to do that. You seem like a commanding sort of guy. I'm sure you're not going to let a mere woman get under your skin. Isn't that right?” She brushed her hand over the top button of her blouse. His eyes followed her fingers. He cleared his throat.

“She's not worth my time. Get up. You're coming with me. I can't take the chance of leaving you out of my sight.”

As the women struggled to their feet, Gemma muttered, “Good grief, where did
that
come from?”

“I have no idea,” Augusta said.

Dumb and Dumber escorted them to the back of a van with no windows. It looked more like a delivery truck. There weren't any seats, so they all crowded in and tried to get comfortable. Candy and Dumber got in the front seats. Dumb looked annoyed that he was in the back, so Gemma rubbed it in.

“They don't like you, do they?”

“Whatcha mean?”

“They always stick you in the back or make you watch us while they go do important stuff. It must bother you. It would bother me.”

His frown deepened.

They drove out of the garage and headed up the street.

Blue was frantic. His girl had been kidnapped and it freaked him out. If his brain hadn't been addled by drugs, he might have realized the situation made no sense. Why come and take Starr but not wake him up and demand the stuff?

All he knew was that he had to find a bear in a hurry, and that was no easy task. Not in the middle of the night. He went into some corner stores and ran through their aisles, but no one carried stuffed animals. The closest thing he saw to an animal was a keychain shaped like an American eagle.

Then he had an epiphany. He took off for the street corner where some of his hooker friends plied their trade. He knew Hot Chocolate had a kid; surely the kid had a teddy bear.

She stood under a streetlight, sucking on her cigarette. She looked cold. He ran right up to her and she nodded. “What's up, Red?”

“It's Blue.”

“Whatever. Looking for a little action? I'm fuckin' freezing my tits off out here.”

“I need something from ya.”

Hot Chocolate rolled her eyes. “Amazing, that's what they all say. Get in line.”

“Does your kid have a toy? A bear, a teddy bear?”

She immediately looked suspicious. “Say what?”

He grabbed her arms. “I need a bear. It's life or death.”

Chocolate yanked herself away. “Get lost, you pervert. You think I'm going to give up my kid's toy? Are you nuts?”

“I'll give you fifty bucks.”

She took a drag of her cigarette. “Seventy-five.”

“Yeah, okay.”

“Follow me.”

She marched down the street and around the corner. She told him to stay put and went inside an apartment building that had seen better days. She came out five minutes later holding up a teddy bear dressed in a tutu and ballet slippers.

“Will this do?”

“Yeah.” He handed over the money and grabbed the bear. “Thanks.”

“Don't you be doin' nothin' weird with that bear, now.”

He didn't answer her, just turned around and hightailed it up the street.

Stuart paid the bill and got their coats. He rushed into the bar and took Ryan by the arm. The man who was buying her a drink wasn't impressed.

“Get lost, mister.”

“This is my girlfriend.”

The man pointed at Ryan. “I thought you said you were alone.”

“I
am
alone most of the time. He's being a jerk.”

“Ryan, get your coat on and come with me this minute.”

She saluted him. “Aye aye, Captain Charisma.” She put on her coat and turned to the stranger. “Thanks anyway.”

He looked disgusted. “Don't mention it.”

Before she could say anything else, Stuart rushed her out of the restaurant and onto the sidewalk. He whistled for a taxi and one instantly pulled over to the curb. He opened the door and steered Ryan toward it.

“What are you doing? Let go of me.”

Stuart put his hands up to placate her. “Okay, I'm sorry. Look, something's come up and you have to go back to the hotel. Please, for my sake, I don't want you involved. It's not your worry.”

Ryan leaned down into the open cab door. “Thanks anyway. We've changed our minds.” She shut the door and the cab squealed away.

“Ryan…”

She stuck a finger in his face. “Listen, mister, why do I get shoved aside as soon as your wife calls? This does concern me, because I'm your girlfriend and you brought me to New York. You can't make me hole up in a hotel room until whatever's going on is over. And by the way, just what the hell
is
going on?”

Stuart took a deep breath and slapped his arms against the sides of his trench coat. “I have no idea. Linda called and said she needed money and I have to go and pick her up. She said she'd tell me then.”

Ryan looked incredulous. “And you said yes? Are you a raving lunatic?”

“Stop with the dramatics.”

Ryan pointed at herself. “
I
have to stop with the dramatics? You're the one who said she was stalking us, in case you've forgotten. That's why we left the Waldorf.”

“Fine. Forget it.” He hailed another cab. “Taxi!”

“What are you doing?”

He reached into his wallet and took out some money. He shoved it into her hand. “Here's cab fare. I have to go.”

A yellow cab pulled up and Stuart got in.

Ryan stood there with her mouth open. “You're leaving me on the streets of New York in the middle of the night?”

“I have to. I'll see you later.” He went to shut the taxi door, but she reached out and grabbed it.

“Don't you dare.” She pushed her way into the cab and slammed the door behind her. “Let's get something straight. You're not going anywhere without me.”

She plunked herself down beside him and stuck out her bottom lip like a petulant child. Stuart used to think it was cute. Now it irritated the hell out of him.

CHAPTER ELEVEN

Linda and Bette waited with the bear in Linda's carryall bag outside the hotel.

“Hurry up, Stuart. That stupid man is always late.”

The words were no sooner out of her mouth when a taxi pulled up. Stuart got out of it and beckoned them over.

“It's about time.” Linda and Bette ran towards the cab. “I thought you weren't coming.”

“You told me to get money. I stopped at a bank machine.”

Linda started to crawl in the back when she spied Ryan. “Dear God.” She got out of the taxi and gave Stuart a shove. “Are you kidding me? What did you bring
her
for?”

Stuart grabbed her arm and pulled her to the side. “She wouldn't let me go unless she came too. I tried to get rid of her, believe me.”

“You're a complete moron.” She yanked her arm out of his grip. “I'm not sitting beside her.”

“I'll get in the middle.” He turned to Bette. “You get in the front.”

Bette looked at Linda. “Don't tell me he brought the bimbo?”

“Can you believe it?”

Stuart crawled in the back and sat beside Ryan. Linda got in after him and gave Ryan a filthy look. “Stay out of my face.”

“My pleasure,” Ryan said.

The cab driver asked Bette where they were going.

“Washington Square Park. And hurry.”

The taxi pulled away from the hotel. No one spoke. The cab driver said, “So, where are you folks from?”

Linda answered. “We're from Montreal, but the one behind you is from Slut City.”

Ryan reached across Stuart and tried to hit Linda. Stuart held her arm. “Stop it.”

“She has no right speaking to me like that.”

“I have every right, since that's what you are.”

“Enough,” Stuart said. “Now are you going to tell me what this is all about, Linda, or should I get out of this taxi and take my money with me?”

Linda looked past him and stared at Ryan. “I'm not going to tell you a thing. It's none of her business.”

“Apparently it is. I'm here, aren't I?”

Stuart elbowed her. “Ryan, be quiet up for a minute.”

“Ryan,” Linda laughed. “What kind of stupid name is that for a girl?”