Hit & Mrs. (21 page)

“I'm not a girl. I'm a woman. A red hot and sizzling woman, right, Stuart?”

“Will the two of you knock it off?”

The cab driver gave Stuart a pitying look in the rear-view mirror.

Bette turned in her seat and looked over her shoulder. “Linda, do you want to sit up here so you don't have to share a seat with Ronald?”

“Oh, hardy har har,” Ryan chimed.

“That's okay, Bette. I'll sit next to my husband.”

Bette picked up on it. “How long have you been married, Linda?”

“Twenty-five years this June. Imagine that, Stuart. We were doing it before this slut was even born.”

“Stop the car,” Stuart yelled at the driver. The driver immediately veered to the right and stopped between two parked cars.

“What are you doing?” Linda shouted.

“I'm getting out of this cab if you two don't shut your mouths. Have you got that?”

“She started it,” Ryan said.

“Fine,” Linda said. “She's not worth it. We have more important things to worry about. Drive on, please.”

The cab driver veered back into traffic.

“So are you going to tell me why I'm driving around in the middle of the night when I should be asleep and getting rested up for my big day tomorrow?”

Linda looked puzzled. “What big day?”

“I'm delivering a seminar on breast implants.”

“Well, you
are
an expert on tits. Everyone's but mine.”

Stuart's shoulders sagged. He stared straight ahead with a look of resignation on his face. Linda suddenly didn't have the energy to bait him anymore.

“Look, we have to go to Washington Square Park to give something to someone.”

“What?”

“Never mind. It's something that belongs to someone. We got our luggage mixed up with theirs and they want it back.”

“Why are you meeting in a park in the middle of the night?”

“That's where they told us to go.”

“Why are
they
dictating the terms?”

“Because they have Gemma and Augusta.”

Stuart sat up. “What on earth are you talking about?”

Bette looked over her shoulder. “You better tell him about the bear, Linda.”

So she did. When she finished, Stuart looked at her as if she'd lost her mind.

“Smuggled diamonds? Why haven't you called the police?”

“Because we don't have time. It's a straight exchange. They want the diamonds and we want Gemma and Augusta.”

“But…”

“Look, Stuart, we tried five times in the last twenty-four hours to tell the police about the dead guy, and they were no help at all.”

“
What dead guy?
”

“She's a killer, let me outta here,” cried Ryan.

Everyone, including the taxi driver, told Ryan to shut up.

“I don't have time to tell you about the kidnapping, mugging, sudden-death, car-theft, property-damage, gun thing…”

Stuart grabbed the top of his head. “Okay, now I'm in the twilight zone. How long have you been in New York?”

“We arrived last night.”

“And you've had time for all this criminal activity? Even the Mob doesn't work that fast.”

Ryan kept trying to open the back door. “I'm being kidnapped, Stuart. Let me outta this car.”

“We're nearly there,” the cab driver said. “What do you want me to do?”

“Drive to the nearest police station,” Stuart said.

“NO!” Linda shouted. “Pull over and let us out. These two can go wherever they like.”

“All right, all right,” Stuart said. “Pull over, driver.”

Ryan yanked Stuart's arm. “Don't you dare get out of this car with them.”

“What can I do? I can't let two defenseless women confront diamond thieves.”

“But what about me? Don't you care how I feel?”

Stuart shook her hand off. “At this moment, no.”

Ryan hit him. “I want to go home. I want my mother.”

Stuart gave the driver a handful of money. “Take this pain in the ass back to the Four Seasons.”

“Stuart, get back here this minute and apologize.”

When Stuart continued to scramble out of the back seat to join Linda and Bette on the sidewalk, Ryan opened her door and jumped out of the car. “You're not leaving me alone. I don't care what you say.”

The cab driver shouted after them. “Hey, you want I stick around?”

Stuart stuck his head back in the window. “Would you mind? I'll pay you for your trouble.”

“Hey, no problem. I gotta see how this turns out.”

“If we come running, get ready to take off.”

“You got it.”

The four of them gathered on the sidewalk. Ryan punched Stuart in the arm. “Jerk.”

He ignored her and turned to Linda. “So what now?”

“Bette and I will go into the park. You and Ronald stay behind in the shadows.”

“You're a cow,” said Ryan.

Linda pretended she didn't hear her. “If this goes down as planned…”

“‘Goes down as planned?' You sound like a mobster. But then, by all accounts you are.” Everyone ignored her, so Ryan waved her hand at them. “Hello? I'm right here.”

Linda turned to her. “Children should be seen and not heard.” Then she addressed Stuart. “Just keep us in sight. If something's wrong we'll give you a signal and you can come running. And call 911 then.”

“It will be too late to call then. I think I should call now.”

“And what if they come in guns blazing? The bad guys might kill Gemma and Augusta. Let's see if we can't get this over with as fast as possible. It doesn't have to be complicated. They want these diamonds, and the minute they get them they'll disappear into the night.”

Stuart didn't look convinced. “What's our signal going to be?”

“Your wife can set herself on fire,” Ryan suggested.

“I'll whistle.”

“That's original,” Ryan said.

“The ‘come take me to bed' whistle?” Stuart smirked at Linda.

“How about the ‘I belong in a doghouse' whistle?” she shot back. “Now let's go.”

The four of them walked towards the park. Linda pointed at some bushes. “You two hide in there.”

Stuart went to put his hand on Linda's arm but she turned away from him. “Be careful, Linda.”

“Be careful, Linda,” Ryan mimicked. “Break a leg, and while you're at it, your neck, Linda.”

Stuart took Ryan's arm and pulled her towards the greenery. “Get over here.”

Linda and Bette linked arms. “This is it. We've got to do this and be very brave.”

Bette shivered. “Do you see anyone who looks like a gangster?”

Linda looked around. “They all look like gangsters.”

There were quite a few people around, people Linda and Bette wouldn't ordinarily go near.

“So what do we do now?” Bette asked.

“Walk forward slowly and keep your eyes peeled for lowlifes.”

They took tiny steps, as if they were eighty. Linda looked to the left and Bette looked to the right. They shuffled closer to the arch itself and got some pretty weird looks from the young people who were about, but no one approached them.

“Well, where are they?”

“How should I know?” Linda said. “Let's stand right in front of this arch. Someone will come up to us eventually.”

“I hope Augusta and Gemma are here. Please, please.”

They stood like statues and peered into the night. All around them people went about their business, some of which looked pretty unsavoury. “I feel like a fish out of water,” Bette said. “Any minute now, we're going to be robbed or raped or both.”

“Stop it. That doesn't help.”

Bette glanced at her watch. “It's almost midnight. Are you sure he said this was where we were supposed to go?”

“Yes.”

Two drunks stumbled up to them. “How much?”

Bette and Linda held each other closer. “Go away, we're not prostitutes,” Linda said.

“Are ya sure?” one of them laughed as he hung on to his friend.

“Quite.”

One drunk looked at the other and made a face. “Oh, she's
quite
sure.”

“Well, as long as she's
quite
sure.”

The two men nearly fell down, they laughed so hard, but fortunately they had to stagger away to keep themselves upright. They soon disappeared.

“This is nuts,” Bette said. “Let's call the police. We're going to be dead meat in a minute.”

Linda let go of her arm. “I know.” She unzipped the bag and pulled the teddy bear out. She held it in front of her. “This should bring them out of hiding.”

They waited for another few minutes. People came and people went, still giving them odd looks. One man even threw them a quarter.

Linda shoved Bette's arm. “Look. Over there.”

Bette squinted. “Where? I can't see a thing.”

“There are two guys directly in front of you by that tree. They've been there for a while now. They're smoking, but they haven't moved. It must be them.”

“Are you sure?”

Linda got cross. “Of course I'm not sure. It's an educated guess.”

“Well, wave the bear around and see if they respond.”

Linda held up the teddy bear and made it dance in the air. The two guys looked at her, all right. They looked at her like she was nuts.

“Oh, come on, you idiots.” Linda continued to prance the bear in the air.

“Maybe they're waiting for other people to leave.”

“If that's the case, we'll be here all night. We have to go over to them. Maybe they're as blind as you are.”

So they linked arms once more and took baby steps towards the two horrible-looking characters. One man was shaved almost bald and the other had long, stringy hair down to his shoulders. They both wore clothes that looked like they hadn't been washed in weeks.

“I always thought Mafia types wore nice suits. Just goes to show you can't believe everything you see in the movies.”

Linda squeezed Bette's arm. “Will you shut up? I'm trying to concentrate.”

“Concentrate on what? The fact that we're going to be killed any minute now?”

“I'm trying to stay sharp.”

“And I'm dull?”

Linda stopped.

Bette stopped too. “I'm sorry, Lin. I'm nervous. You know me. I run off at the mouth when I'm nervous.”

“You run off at the mouth like your mother. Being nervous has nothing to do with it.”

“Are we going to have an argument? You're picking on me
now?
”

“Okay, I'm sorry. Can we keep moving?”

They picked up a little speed and crossed over nearer to the men in question, who sort of backed up as the women continued to advance.

“Excuse me. Excuse me. I have something for you.” Linda lifted the bear higher in the air and jiggled him up and down. “Is this what you're looking for?”

The two men glanced at each other. One threw his cigarette on the ground and was about to say something when Linda interrupted him. “Aren't you the ones who called us? Are you waiting for Blue?”

The two men were instantly alert and took a step closer. “Where is he?” one of them said.

Linda and Bette snuck a peek at each other. “Well, he's here.” Linda offered him the bear.

The guy ripped the bear out of her hand. “Stop with the bullshit. Who are you? How do you know Blue?”

Linda and Bette recoiled before Linda spoke. “We're the ones who got our bag mixed up with yours. You want Blue, so we're bringing him to you. You called us a few hours ago and told us to come here. Don't you remember? Where are our friends? Please, take the bear and let our friends go. We don't want any trouble. We'll just walk away.”

The guy looked at the teddy bear. “Are you telling me the haul is in this bear? That's it? That's all there is?”

“Yes. It's all there. I made sure.” Linda clapped her hand over her mouth. She forgot she wasn't supposed to say that. She looked at Bette and Bette tried to give her a reassuring smile, but it turned into a grimace.

The two men looked at each other and cursed. “That dumb asshole screwed it up again.”

The man with the long hair grabbed Linda by the arm and the other one grabbed Bette. “I suppose you're his mommy?”

Bette struggled. “Whose mommy? Let go of me.”

“Not until we clear this up. You're going to get on the phone and tell him to meet us or you're dead meat.”

“More killing? Is that absolutely necessary?”

“We're trying to cooperate. We've done everything you've asked,” Linda said. “Please, let us go.”

The creeps ignored their pleas. Linda tried to whistle, but her mouth was so dry she couldn't do it. Their only hope was for Stuart to run after them.

Unfortunately, just as Linda and Bette were being grabbed, Ryan got her heel stuck in some mud and took a header, twisting her ankle in the process. “
Ow
…oh, my God, my ankle. It's broken. And it's all your fault.”

Stuart reached down to pick her up while Linda and Bette were being frog-marched over to a beat-up car that was parked along a side street. He didn't see them being pushed into the back seat, but when a car horn start to honk incessantly he dropped Ryan in the mud and ran towards the taxi. The driver yelled out his window and pointed. “They've got your wife.”

Stuart turned around, just in time to see the car take off with a piercing squeal that left a smell of burnt rubber in the air.

“LINDA!”

He ran back to a crying Ryan, picked her up, and ran towards the taxi, yelling, “Follow that car!”

Stuart threw Ryan in the back seat of the taxi.

“
Ow
. I hate you, you stupid man.”

Stuart jumped in the front and the taxi driver took off. “I still see him,” the taxi driver yelled. “He turned left at the lights.”