Hit & Mrs. (25 page)

He frowned. “Let's go.”

“Are you taking me to the hospital?”

“Of course I'm taking you to the hospital. That's where you want to go, isn't it?”

“I guess so, but what I'd really like to do is to go to Tiffany's. Maybe a nice ankle bracelet will make me forget the throbbing pain.” She reached down and rubbed her ankle ever so lightly.

“Ryan, it's the middle of the night. Be sensible.”

Ryan folded her arms across her chest. “You just care about your
striking
wife. Well, I can go on strike too, ya know.”

This was definitely the longest night of Stuart's life.

Flea finally finished his negotiations with Candy. It was a long, drawn-out process, and Linda and Bette became increasingly tired as the nonsense went on. Flea finally got off the phone, jumped up, and hit Tony in the shoulder.

“Right, we've got to go. We're meeting them at the Bronx Zoo.”

Tony pointed at the women. “What about them?”

“Leave them here. They'll be more trouble than they're worth in the car. We'll take care of them when we get back.”

“What do you mean, take care of us?” Bette asked.

“Mind your own business.”

“I believe it
is
our business if you plan on killing us.”

Flea put his face next to hers. His bad breath almost made Bette retch. “You've got such a big mouth, lady. I can't wait to shut it forever.” He straightened up. “Let's go.”

The men hurried out the door.

Linda squeezed Bette's hand. “Don't worry, Bette. We're going to get out of here.”

“How? We're tied up like hogs.”

“Hogs don't know how to use a knife. Let's jump over to the cutlery drawer.”

“Which one is the cutlery drawer?”

“One of them has to be. Jump in the air when I say three and lean to the left.”

“Whose left? Mine or yours?”

“Mine.”

“Okay.”

“One, two, three.” They pushed off with their strapped feet and managed to move a whole half an inch.

“This is going to take forever,” Bette wailed.

“Don't give up. Do it again and don't stop. One, two, three…”

They hopped and hopped but didn't get very far.

“I don't think this is working.”

Linda pinched her arm.

“Hey, stop that. How would you like it?” Bette pinched her back.

“Bette, focus. I think the problem is that we're headed in two different directions. Let's follow this row of tiles over to the counter, the third row from the wall.” She jerked her head to indicate the row she meant.

“Okay.”

“One, two, three.” They leapfrogged over to the sink. By the time they got there, they were covered with sweat.

“Great,” Bette said. “What now?”

“Look for a knife, of course.”

“How do we do that?”

“Grab the drawer knob with your teeth.”

“Are you kidding me? Do you know how many germs live on those handles?”

Linda knocked the back of her head into Bette's. “Would you rather be shot or have a cold sore?”

“Oh God.” Bette grabbed the handle of one drawer in her teeth and slowly drew it open. Then she let go and spit on the floor. “Gross.”

“What's in it?”

“Damn. Looks like a junk drawer.”

“No doubt they're all junk drawers. Is there anything in it we can use?”

“A nail, a clothespin, a candle…”

“Maybe we can burn the rope.”

“I don't have a match, do you?”

“Okay, I'll try this one.” Linda pulled at the drawer nearest to her. She peered inside. “There are clean tea towels in here. One of these jerks must have a girlfriend. Jump backwards and I'll check the next one.”

They hopped over to another drawer and finally found a small knife.

“How will you reach it?”

“Any way I can.” Linda tried to stick her head inside the drawer, but she couldn't extend her neck far enough, what with the rope around her arms and legs.

“Damn.”

“I know,” Bette said. “Pull it right out and let it fall on the floor.”

“Good idea.” Linda grabbed the knob in her teeth and pulled for all she was worth. The drawer slid out slowly, but not all the way. “Oh perfect. Close, but no cigar.”

“Grab the last bit with your chin.”

So Linda strained her neck once more and tried to grab the end of the drawer with her bottom jaw. She managed to pull it out completely and the drawer fell to the floor with a clatter. They peered at the dirty tiles and looked for the knife.

“There it is.” Bette shook her head to the right. “Over there by the table leg.”

“Okay,” Linda said. “Be brave. Any way we do this, it'll hurt. We have to tip over and land on the floor. Are you ready?”

“Wait. Are there any sharp objects about?”

“They're all sharp objects.”

“I mean, are there any sticking up? We don't want to impale ourselves on a vegetable peeler.”

“Not that I can see. So, are we ready?”

Bette nodded.

At the count of three, they leaned over to one side and fell to the floor with a resounding thud.

“Oh God, my shoulder,” Bette moaned. “I think I dislocated it. Are you okay?”

“My elbow's broken, but other than that, I'm fine.”

Bette gave a little yelp.

“What's wrong?”

“Lin, don't look up under the table. You wouldn't believe it.”

Of course, Linda looked under the table. “Oh, good lord, are those wads of gum or old wasp colonies?”

“I don't want to know.”

“Okay, let's shimmy over to the knife.”

They tried to crawl on their sides using a modified breaststroke without their arms and legs. It was rough going, but Linda finally managed to get the knife in her hand.

“Okay. Pull as tight as you can on the rope and I'll try and saw this back and forth.”

“Don't slit my wrists, Lin. I don't want to die on a dirty floor.”

“Stop talking about dying. We're not going to die. I refuse to, do you hear me? Absolutely refuse.”

“Okay.”

“We have to get out of here and save Gemma and Augusta. They have seven children. Seven babies who need their mothers!”

“It's okay, Lin.”

Linda's voice trembled. “You guys are my family. I can't lose any of you. I can't.”

“It's okay, honey. Don't worry. We'll make it.”

Linda started to cut the rope.

Candy, Dumber, and Blue went to the Bronx Zoo to make the exchange with Flea and Tony. They had to leave immediately, as it was almost dawn.

Dumb was left behind to watch the prisoners, and he was like a bear with a sore paw.

“What happened?” Gemma asked him.

“Whaddaya mean?” Dumb paced up and down.

“I thought you were going to stand up for yourself. You're in the right, not them.”

Dumb's eye started to twitch. “I got my orders, that's all.”

Gemma shook her head. “As far as I can see, you're better than Dumber.”

Dumb looked at her. “Yeah?”

“Yeah. You're Dumb, but he's Dumber.”

“You're right.”

“So tell Candy you're not going to put up with it anymore.”

Dumb paced and hit his fist in his open hand. “Yeah.”

“And by the way, aren't you a tad upset that your boss calls you Dumb? I'm sure that's not your real name.”

“My name's Jethro.”

“I should've guessed.”

Keaton was starting to get a little fussy. The women tried to keep him entertained, but he was having none of it. He began to cry, and he kept it up. Dumb held his hands up to his ears as he walked around the tiny room.

“Jeez Louise. Enough already.”

Gracie did her best to quiet Keaton, but he only wailed louder. She began to fret. “I think he's been in this diaper too long. I think his bum is sore.”

Gemma and Augusta concurred. “Let's get it off him.”

Dumb rolled his eyes. “Not the shit stuff again. Is that all he does?”

“He's a male,” Gemma shrugged. “All he does is eat, burp, fart, and shit.”

“And grab boobs,” Gracie added.

Dumb grinned. “Hey, that was good.”

“Thanks.”

They lay Keaton down, and sure enough, his little bottom was raw. The women gathered round and made sympathetic noises, or at least that's what Dumb thought. Actually, they made plans. Gracie pulled the cellphone out of her top and passed it to Augusta, who quickly dropped it down her cleavage.

Gemma whispered, “This is the best chance we have to get you out of here, Gracie. We'll distract Dumb. I want you to grab this child and run. Keep running until you can flag a cab or get to a phone.” She slipped her a roll of money. “Use this, and when you're safe, call the police and tell them where we are, as best you can.”

Gracie's eyes filled with tears. “But I can't leave you.”

Augusta said under her breath, “You have to. We'll keep the cellphone in case we can use it, but you're the best chance we have.”

Gemma nodded. “The only thing that matters right now is getting this darling baby out of danger. You're a brave girl, Gracie. We know you can do it.”

Gracie wiped the tear that trickled down her face. The ladies tidied Keaton as well as they could, and his mother wrapped the sheet around him. She jiggled him up and down as she walked closer to the door.

Gemma suddenly gasped and grabbed the front of her dress. “Ahh…”

“Gemma, are you okay?” Augusta cried.

Gemma lurched forward and hit the table, then rolled over and fell to the floor. “My heart…”

Augusta screamed at Dumb. “Do something, she's having a heart attack. Please, help her.”

Dumb hurried over and knelt beside Gemma, who writhed on the floor. Augusta kept up her barrage of desperate pleas and Gemma joined her with gasps and groans.

Gracie opened the door and did what they told her. She ran like hell.

Dumb didn't see or hear a thing, what with both women making such a racket.

Augusta grabbed Gemma's hand and patted it. “She's going to be all right, isn't she?”

“How the hell should I know?” Dumb said. “Where does it hurt?”

“Right here.” Gemma pointed to her heart. “I can't take the stress. I can't. You have to let us go. I should see a doctor.”

“You need to exercise, that's all.”

Augusta grabbed Dumb's hand. “Feel her pulse.”

“What?”

“I bet you're an athlete. You know these things.”

Dumb preened a bit. “I know a little.”

Gemma grabbed his other hand and put it on her neck. “Feel it. Am I dying?”

Dumb pressed his enormous fingers against her skin. “I can feel a pulse.”

“Oh, you're so smart,” Augusta said. “What would we ever do without you?”

Gemma covered her forehead with her arm. “It's true. I feel safe around you. I bet you're a good son. Do you love your mother?”

“That ain't none of your business.”

Augusta patted his knee. “I'm sure she's very proud. Does she know what you do for a living?”

“A mother always knows,” Gemma said. “You don't have to tell us anything. I bet she's worried about your profession. Don't break your mother's heart. Become an accountant.”

Dumb felt a draft of air and looked around. The door was open, and Gracie and the baby were gone. He jumped up. “You guys tricked me! Get up off the floor.” He reached down, grabbed Gemma by the arm, and dragged her to her feet.

“Hey, don't be so rough with a sick woman.”

“You're not sick, you old bat.” He shook her. “Do you want to get us killed?”

“Exactly the opposite..”

He pushed her away and rubbed his head. “I can't go after her. You guys will leave.”

Augusta nodded. “What did we tell you? You're very smart.”

He paced the floor. “What do I do?”

“Let us go.”

“No.”

“Please.”

“Shut up.”

Gemma put her hands on her hips. “Listen here, I'm old enough to be your mother. Would you like some big goon pushing your mother around? Wouldn't that make you mad? Candy's a bully, but you're not. You're a good boy at heart, isn't he, Augusta?”

“Oh yes. A good boy who takes too much crap from that horrible man.”

“Both of you shut up and let me think.”

“There's a first time for everything,” Gemma muttered.

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

The Weinbergs drove until they found a gas station. The clan piled out of their vans and truck, all of them talking over each other. Uncle Sid rushed over to embrace Izzy. He tried to do the same to Ida, but she hit him with her handbag.

“Get away from me. You're acting like she's dead.” Ida's sons put her in her wheelchair so she could use the bathroom. She rolled away from them in a hurry.

Mordecai looked at his uncle. “Forgive her. She's very upset.”

Uncle Sid looked to the heavens. “Your mother's been upset for as long as I've known her.”

David frowned. “Why
is
that?”

“She never got over the incident.”

Izzy pointed his cigarette at his brother. “Don't talk about the incident.” The brothers and cousins looked at each other.

“We don't have time for this,” Izzy insisted. “We have to find Bette. What do we do when we get to New York?”

“We call the detective and ask him where they want us to go,” Mordecai said. “We want to help, not be in the way.”

Uncle Sid pointed at him. “We should be in the way. We're family.”

Mordecai shook his head. “I don't think they've ever run into a family like this one. And they've certainly never run into a mother like Ma.”