Hockey Is My Boyfriend: Part One (14 page)

T
he grad kidnappings
were going to take place in a week, and our group was all set. Karen was our ringleader and the team was April, Charmaine, and myself. I was a bit surprised that Charmaine was participating, but she explained it all to me at lunch, while we waited for Karen and April.

“I told my mother that was a school-sanctioned activity. I didn’t tell her anything about it, only that we would be doing it as a group of girls. She may have been suspicious, but since I got 100% on my Chem midterm she was already pretty happy with me. Karen promised me we would not do the drinking part, because I don’t want to get in any trouble.”

“But why do you even want to do this?” I would still rather be sleeping in my own bed than traipsing around the Cove awakening and cross-dressing random guys.

“It may be my only chance to see what the bedrooms of guys my age look like,” Charmaine answered grimly. In addition to strict parents, she had a younger sister, and no brothers. I could have offered a tour of my brother’s room, but I didn’t think that Lego posters and a black light drawing of a the solar system were going to give her insights into real guys.

“Oh my God,” Karen announced as she plunked herself down on the seat beside us, with April in her wake. “Andrea Murray is so infuriating!” Karen had just come from the secret meeting of the grad kidnapping leaders and she was steaming.

“We had to chose who we were kidnapping, and Andrea claimed Phil for her group! I pointed out that Phil’s girlfriend was in my group and you know what that bi-otch said? ‘Well, with Phil’s track record, they’ll probably be broken up by the time we kidnap him.’ She wishes! Phil would never look at a loser like her.”

What could I say? Andrea had always had it in for me. Maybe because she liked Phil, but it was true that he had gone through a lot of girlfriends. I hated to think of Andrea being in Phil’s bedroom when he was asleep and vulnerable though, so I asked, “Did you get Phil?”

“Not to worry, of course I got him. I had to promise to take a couple of people nobody else wanted though.”

“Who?” April wondered.

“We got Marcus.”

Marcus was fine; I had played hockey with him and he was a normal guy and one of our friends. Marcus would not be a person nobody wanted, so Karen was stalling.

“And?”

“Well, we got Cameron.”

“Oh, not Cameron,” April groaned. Cameron had been following her around like a lovesick puppy for most of grade twelve.

“And Chun Ling Hu.”

April was not impressed. “What? I didn’t know we had to do the foreign students too. Nobody can understand anything he says. He could be saying, ‘April, your bosoms are stupendous,’ and I would be nodding and saying, ‘Oh really, Chun Ling.’ Charmaine, do you even know what he’s saying?”

“Actually no, he comes from near Shanghai, and I don’t really understand his dialect. Plus his accent is so heavy, I can’t even tell when he’s speaking English,” confessed Charmaine.

“Apparently Chun Ling requested to be a part of the whole Canadian grad experience,” Karen sighed.

“Crap. Look Kelly, Phil better be worth all this trouble. Chun Ling and Cameron. Argh. I was hoping for Danny Russo, who got Danny Russo?” asked April. April had dumped Spencer Mills and she was ready to move on.

“I think it was Priya Rao.”

“What a waste. Priya would not know what to do in Danny Russo’s bedroom if you gave her a manual.” April clearly felt that she could write said manual.

We decided to sleep over at Karen’s house, so we’d all be together. The next Thursday morning found us rising at the ridiculous hour of 4:30am and proceeding in two cars, Karen’s van and my Toyota, so we could manage eight people. Charmaine rode with me, and was super-excited about doing something so wild and crazy. We had all gone to Value Village and stocked up on the XXL ladies wear from the disco era. If my mom was bigger, I could have just gone to her closet.

We decided to start with someone easy and build up to Phil at the end.

We arrived at Marcus’s house. I had phoned his mom the day before, and she told me which door to use and where Marcus’s room was. She had been giggling the whole time, obviously thrilled that her son was popular enough to be kidnapped by girls.

The four of us quietly opened the door of Marcus’s house and tiptoed in. His mom had thoughtfully left on a light so we didn’t crash into anything and wake up the whole house. She might have mentioned the gigantic black Lab who gave us quite a scare when he jumped out at us. Charmaine and April both screamed, but Karen cooed at the dog and had him eating out of her hand in no time. Luckily we didn’t disturb Marcus, who was snoring with his mouth wide open when we got to his room. He was lying in bed with the covers half-off, wearing a t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants. April took the obligatory photo and the flash awakened him.

“Wha? What the fuck?” were the first words out of his mouth.

“Morning, sunshine,” said Karen. “Time for your grad kidnapping.”

Marcus sat up in bed. His reddish-brown hair was basically all over the place and he had that strong boy smell about him. He blinked and then looked at us.

“Holy shit, I got Karen, April, Kelly, and Charmaine. This is like the best thing ever. Take me, girls, please.”

We found his shoes and dressed him up like a girl in a pink sequinned top and black skirt with dangly earrings and a Hawaiian lei. Karen added some makeup. For that real kidnapping touch, we had to use zap straps to tie Marcus’s hands together and he seemed to enjoy that part way too much. Then we stowed him in the van and headed for our next stop, Cameron’s house.

Karen had spoken to Cameron’s mom. She had been cooperative as well, although she wasn’t going to warn Cameron ahead of time, which to my mind was slightly sadistic. We went inside his house and up to his bedroom. His room looked normal, if a bit neater than the normal teen guy room, and Cameron was snoozing away under a quilted blue bedspread.

April motioned to Charmaine to pull back the covers while she took the photo. Charmaine did, and but neither the cold nor the flash woke him up. Cameron was wearing pyjamas. I took a closer look: Cameron was wearing NHL logo pyjamas! I couldn’t help it, I started to laugh out loud and the laughing finally woke Cameron up.

“What’s going on?” he asked, blinking. “Oh my God—April!” He grabbed the bedspread and pulled it back over himself. Not sure exactly what he was covering up since we had already seen the pyjamas. Maybe his manhood. We got him dressed up as well and put him in the van with Marcus.

Next stop, Chun Ling Hu. Charmaine told me in the car that she had spoken to the host family mom, but she didn’t seem to fully understand the whole idea of the grad kidnapping.

“I explained it three times, but she still wasn’t clear on the concept.” But she said she would leave the door unlocked. Chun Ling slept in a downstairs bedroom.

We went downstairs and found the bedroom easily. Chun Ling, like Cameron, was completely covered up, so Charmaine and April did their uncovering routine again. But this time the surprise was on us: Chun Ling was sleeping, but he was completely dressed, in shirt, jeans, belt and even shoes. Apparently he was tipped off and ready. We woke him up, and not really wanting to have to undress him, we just added some jewellery and a floppy hat and then took him to the car. Chun Ling was speaking excitedly to us, but no one could understand anything he was saying, so we kept nodding and saying, “Oh really?” Hopefully he wasn’t commenting on the stupendousness of our bosoms.

When we put him in the van, Marcus complained that Chun Ling wasn’t sufficiently cross-dressed, so we suggested that he could try explaining everything.

Finally, on to Phil’s, and I was nervous. April had called his mom after I chickened out, and since then had been referring to her as Frau Hitler, so I figured that conversation hadn’t gone particularly well. We hoped that the door would be open.

It wasn’t.

“Oh great, Frau Hitler has locked us out,” said April. “Do you know how to get in, Kelly?”

“Yeah, there’s a spare key around the side that Phil uses.” I went to get it, and stumbled twice on garden gnomes, bruising my shins and swearing.

“Wait,” said Charmaine. “Isn’t it breaking and entering if they don’t leave the door open?”

“Excuse me,” said April. “I’ve had to sit in a van all morning with Cameron pretending we’re on some kind of bizarre date, and Chun Ling telling me God only knows what, and my only thrill will be seeing Phil Davidson in bed, so we’re damn well doing this. I don’t care if Frau Hitler has the Gestapo waiting for us inside, we’re going in.” And she grabbed the key from me and unlocked the door.

No alarm system, no Gestapo, and best of all—no Frau Hitler waiting for us.

We went upstairs to Phil’s room, which I knew was at the end of the hall. I hadn’t actually been to his room for ages, since we usually went downstairs. I opened the door and went in, it was totally dark and it took a few moments for our eyes to adjust. Finally we could all see Phil lying in bed on his back, covers kicked off.

“Holy shit,” said Karen.

“Oh my God,” said April.

“Oh!” said Charmaine. “Um, I’ll wait in the van!” And she left.

Phil was sleeping in just his boxers. And he must have been dreaming because he had an erection. A major league one.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw April raising the camera. I quickly reached over and took it out of her hands.

“You are not taking a photo,” I told her.

“Easy for you to say, you get to see this sort of thing on a regular basis,” replied April.

Phil opened one eye and looked at us. Then he sat up and ran a hand through his hair. His upper body was so nicely muscled, and that six-pack was perfect. Plus the attraction below the waist. He looked unbelievably sexy.

“Ladies,” he said in a completely normal voice.

There was a long pause.

Finally Phil spoke again, “Will you be kidnapping me, or did you all want to hop into bed with me?”

“Well,” drawled April, “I am kind of tired.”

“April!” I said.

“Gee, Kelly, didn’t your mom teach you about sharing? You should be sharing all your toys, especially the really nice ones.”

“Let’s get him dressed up,” said Karen. “But there’s no way we can make him look like a girl. Kelly, you’re in charge of the bottom half.”

Phil ended up in the Toyota with me, now that Charmaine was hyperventilating in the van. We were all meeting the rest of the school for breakfast at Denny’s.

“You know, Kelly, I was just dreaming about you and now here you are. Isn’t that a terrific coincidence?” Phil smiled devilishly.

“Must have been quite a dream,” I replied. “What exactly was going on?”

“Oh, the usual: lingerie, hot oil, giraffes.”

“I don’t even want to know.”

“But since we’re alone…. ” Phil put two zap-strapped hands on my thigh and started moving up.

How wrong was it that I was finding a guy in make up, dangly earrings and a stretched out wrap dress sexy? Not to mention the bondage aspect. I parked the car, and we ended up being twenty minutes late to Denny’s.

“Trouble finding the restaurant?” asked Karen. “And I see that Phil no longer has… a problem.”

“I wouldn’t call it a problem, Karen,” said Phil, smiling happily. “And in any case, nothing that Kelly can’t handle.”

“I wouldn’t call it nothing, Phil,” laughed Karen. “But I see you’re still wearing the zap straps, so I can’t even imagine what happened in that little Toyota.”

April had magically swapped Chun Ling for Danny Russo, so she didn’t bother me at all. Charmaine turned bright red every time she looked at Phil, but otherwise it was a normal breakfast.

While everyone was talking, Charmaine whispered to me, “Kelly, wasn’t Phil your first, you know, lover?”

I nodded.

“Oh my goodness.” She turned even redder.

“Might as well start at the top,” I whispered back to her.

And then I smiled at Phil across the table.

G
rad selections
from the Seycove Secondary yearbook:

M
arcus Craig

Girls, it’s your last chance! Call me this summer. Good times with the gang at the Raven. Remembering the grad kidnapping, four gorgeous chicks in my bedroom at once!

Activities: Senior boys soccer team, Ultimate team.

Future career: pervert.

Most likely to be: an unwed father.

P
hil Davidson

“Outta here,” remembering the provincial finals in soccer, the grad ski trip, KT: TGIW

Class award for top scholar/athlete.

Activities: Soccer senior boys team, Team Captain. Track: sprints, high jump, triple jump, Team Captain. Swim team, Team Captain. Jazz Band 12.

Nicknames: P.D., Stud.

Voted: best looking male, most athletic

Future career: civil engineer

Most likely to be: next owner of the Playboy mansion.

C
ameron Elliott

Thanks to everyone for making our grad year the best ever. AL: you are an inspiration to me. Off to Waterloo!

Activities: Student council president, Band 12, Tech club.

Nicknames: Cam.

Future career: Computer geek

Most likely to be: your boss someday.

C
hun Ling Hu

I love Canada! Please come and visit me in HK!

Activities: Foreign Student association.

Most likely to be: misunderstood.

A
pril Lachance

KT my BFF with unicorns and hearts! DR: you rock, babe.

Activities: Drama club, choir

Voted: best dressed.

Future career: actress/waitress

Most likely to be: starring in a Fox TV series.

K
aren Leighton

Bye everyone and thanks for the best five years ever! Love to: TW, my girls.

Activities: Student council.

Voted: best looking female.

Future career: Veterinary assistant

Most likely to be: married first.

C
harmaine Leung

Good luck to all my friends, I hope we can stay in touch. Seycove has been a wonderful experience for me, thanks to the staff and teachers for making it so.

Academic awards: Chem 12, Physics 12, Biology 12. Top scholar.

Voted: nicest.

Future career: Dr. Leung

Most likely to be: a Nobel prize winner for science

K
elly Tanaka

Hockey is life. I’ll miss the L’s: April, Karen, Charmaine. Next stop: McGill!

Activities: Student council, choir, Track: 800m, 1500m.

Nicknames: Sparky

Future career: skate sharpening at the rec centre.

Most likely to be: mistaken for a boy

I
was not impressed
by my lame yearbook write-up. “Skate sharpening at the rec centre? Who wrote this crap?”

“Andrea Murray was the editor,” replied Karen.

“I don’t get it, why does she hate me so much? First it was all, ‘Oh Kelly, I guess she’s a lesbian because she plays hockey and doesn’t date.’ Then once I did start dating, she hated me more.”

April shrugged. “It’s because she has a big crush on Phil. She calculated that if he kept going out with a new girl each month, at some point it would be her turn. And then he settled on you.”

“There are approximately 17 million women in Canada,” remarked Charmaine. “It seems unlikely that she would ever be the one.” I was sure that Charmaine was speaking statistically, but that comment came out bitchy enough that I was totally cheered up.

“Besides, Phil’s done now,” said Karen.

“What do you mean he’s done?” I asked.

“I mean he’s done dating random women. Obviously you’re the one.”

“The one?” Sounded like The Matrix.

“Phil’s true love. Happily ever after.”

“You’re kidding, right? We’re only in high school! We’re teenagers. That’s dumb.”

Karen was getting carried away now. “You guys have known each other since you were kids and you’re so good together. You were friends first, but now things are hot: it’s perfect. If we were having a grad-dance king and queen, it would be you guys. I can totally see you getting married.”

“I’m sorry, did you say married? Get real, Karen.”

“It is kind of romantic,” said Charmaine. I could almost see the hearts swirling around their heads. “Childhood sweethearts. And you could play hockey together. Your kids could play hockey. Of course you would have to graduate from university first.”

“You guys are putting the mental in sentimental,” I declared. “We’ll see you later.”

I shoved my yearbook into my backpack. April and I were going to Park Royal to do some shopping, so we had to catch the bus. We got a seat at the back. With April, it was good to agree on a mall mission or she could shop for hours.

“So, shoes for me and a purse for you, right? And we’ll get something to eat?”

“Every time we go anywhere, you have to eat,” April groused. She had been a ballerina, so she had a tendency to worry about her weight. Personally, I thought she was too thin.

“If you don’t feed me every four hours, I turn into a Grumpy Gus,” I warned her. “Anyway, this whole trip seems unnecessary.”

“Kelly! I helped you find the perfect formal dress for Grad, and then found out you were going to wear flip-flops with it!”

“They’re metallic. That’s dressy, right?”

April shook her head. “Shoes. Like a normal person.” She squinted at me. “You have an evening bag, right? And a wrap?”

“A wrap? What am I, a tortilla? Don’t worry, my mom’s lending me a cute beaded bag.” I also had a jacket in mind, but I knew that April wouldn’t approve, so I kept quiet about that. Time for a subject change. “Can you believe Karen and Charmaine? Talking about marriage. That is so insane.”

April twisted a strand of hair, which was her signal for thinking hard. “Really truly, Kelly—have you never thought about a future with Phil? You two seem more committed than I’ve ever been with any guy. And Karen was right, you guys are perfect together.”

I could tell she was serious, so I replied honestly. “No. We both know that it’s over at the end of the summer. Once I decided to go to McGill, we had a big discussion. Phil doesn’t believe that long distance can work, so we’re going to split up when I leave.”

“Wow, that’s cold,” April said.

“This coming from the Queen of Broken Hearts? You turf guys if you don’t like what they order at Starbucks.”

“That’s an exaggeration. I dumped that vegan because he kept going on about factory farming when I was trying to eat my chicken burger. But back to you, that’s okay with you? Doesn’t it impact the way you feel about Phil, knowing you’re going to break up at the end of August?”

“I think it’s better. We appreciate the time we do have together.”

I wasn’t a person who worried a lot about the future, so it wasn’t like it weighed on my mind. And I didn’t tell her the other part—I believed it was one of the things that kept our relationship going. I figured that we kept going out because Phil knew our relationship had an end date and he didn’t have to worry. And at the end there wouldn’t be any big drama or hurt feelings. We would split up because that was how it had to be.

“I swear, Kelly, you do not have a romantic bone in your body.”

I laughed. “Oh yeah, I had one. But it got broken during a hockey game.”