HOLD (13 page)

“Just needs to steep for a few minutes,” she explained, returning to the table.  “So?” she prodded, nudging me with an elbow. 

“What?”

“Are you happy about the baby?  Isn’t Stephanie?  Are you guys getting married?  Are you still going to move into that apartment in Phoenix?” 

“I don’t know.”

Saylor leaned back and appraised me for a long, silent moment. “What don’t you know, Chase?”

“Of course I want the baby.  Of course I want to marry Stephanie.” 

She smiled.  “You don’t sound uncertain.” 

“I’m not.  She might be.” 

Saylor lost her smile.  “No.  She said that?” 

“Not exactly.  She told me she was pregnant.  I blurted out a marriage proposal that might have come across as somewhat obligatory.  At any rate, it wasn’t among the top ten most romantic moments in our storied relationship.”

“Did she say yes?”

“She nodded.  Then she puked.  Does that count?”

Saylor made a face.  “It doesn’t sound ideal.” 

“You know,” I mused, “I’ve thought about it a thousand times, how I would propose to Stephanie.  Somehow I was picturing a slightly grander gesture.  Candles on a rooftop, mountainside hike, words on a jumbo tron in front of fifty thousand people we’ll never see again.  A nonchalant ‘Hey, I knocked you up so let’s get hitched’ probably isn’t the stuff a girl’s dreams are made of. ”

“Who says?”

“I do.” 

Saylor sighed.  She got up, poured the tea into two waiting cups and placed them on the table. 

“Chasyn,” she said earnestly.  “I’m going to let you in on a secret.  Real life isn’t a perpetual series of grand gestures.  It’s messy.  And often uneven.  But at the end of the day it’s the accidental, imperfect moments that will stand out.  It’s colliding unexpectedly with the boy you once hated and finding a good man standing there instead.   And then a split second later or so it seems you are watching him hold the newborn daughters you created together while realizing neither of you knows what the hell you’re doing but it doesn’t matter a damn bit because everything is exactly as it should be.” She grabbed my arm and squeezed.  “The best moments are never planned.” 

In an instant my life with Stephanie flashed through my mind.  Everything from the first hot kiss in Vegas to sprawling in the living room eating Chinese food and watching baseball. Uncounted tiny moments that all melted together and made a day worth waking up for. 

“See?” she beamed like she knew exactly what had just passed through my head. 

“It’s daunting when you act psychic.”    

Saylor took a sip of her tea, watching me.  She put the cup down.  “A long time ago I asked you if you thought Stephanie was worth all the ups and downs.  You never wavered.  You told me she was worth everything.” 

I didn’t hesitate.  “She still is.”

“Tell her that, Chase.  That’s all you need to do.  I can’t say I have the answer to every question when it comes to love and I don’t know what’s going through Stephanie’s mind right now.  But I know damn well that girl loves you.” 

I couldn’t play it off.  Every bit of emotion came through in my voice.  “Feeling’s mutual.  I’d do anything for her.” 

“Chase.”  Saylor reached across the table and squeezed my arm.  “Just tell her that.  You don’t need to be grand.  Just real.”  

  While I was thinking about that the littlest Gentrys came running into the kitchen and scolded me for taking too long to return.  Obediently I followed the girls back to their bedroom and continued being educated about every last one of their possessions. 

Before I headed out Saylor urged me to stop by at Scratch and say hello to Cord.  Since Stephanie wouldn’t be home for hours and I still couldn’t find a reason to get jazzed about hanging out on the couch watching daytime television I agreed. My mind was still galloping around like crazy.  Anyway I had a sudden hunger for male company. Saylor was a cherished part of my family and I was grateful for her friendship and wisdom.  But whenever life threw a sudden curveball in my direction there was one thing I needed to get my head back on straight.

Two things actually.

I needed my brothers. 

CORD

  Not ten minutes after Creed exited the shop door I heard Chase’s voice in the lobby.  He was going to have to wait because I was busy inking over a corny balloon heart that had the name Ryan in the center.  The girl it was attached to was no more than twenty.  She’d walked in here with heartbreak written all over her face, asking me if there was anything I could do to remake her shoulder ink into something else. 

“Sure,” I’d said smoothly, keeping to myself the observation that this Ryan prick must have royally fucked up somehow. 

“God, I hate men,” fumed the girl, frowning at the ceiling.  Then she seemed to think I’d be insulted so she made amends.  “I didn’t mean you.  You seem okay.” 

I just nodded and went to work, coloring the heart in black so the name wouldn’t be visible and surrounding it with thorny vines, which seemed appropriate. 

In the background I heard Chase joking around with Aspen.  Chase was asking her in all seriousness if she thought he’d look okay with blue hair.  She told him magenta was more his style. 

I didn’t take me long to finish the black heart.  The girl seemed pleased by the design but then tried to get a little too cozy with me so I walked her to the front and had Aspen take care of the financial side of things.  I was slightly taken aback when Chase jumped out of his chair and grabbed me in a bear hug. 

“What’s up, man?” I asked, giving him a hearty pat on the back. 

“I fucking love this guy,” Chase announced to the room, squeezing me and rocking back and forth. 

“All right, all right.”  I fended him off but grinned the whole while, grateful that my brother’s spontaneous goofiness was and always would be intact. 

“You just missed seeing the monster,” I told Chase as we headed toward the back office. 

“Creed was here?”

“Yeah, we had lunch.  Would have given you a heads up if I had any idea you’d be on this side of town this afternoon.” 

Chase sat down and propped his feet up on my desk while I gave him a quick rundown of all the Creedence-related news.   Crazy sister-in-law on the run.   Infant nephew tossed into the middle of it.  It sounded like something out of a movie and I’d listened in disbelief as Creed tensely gave out details.  Chase seemed to take it all in stride though.  He listened carefully and then let out a low whistle. 

“So I guess Creed isn’t the only one with news.” 

“What does that mean?”

“It means I have news too.”

I waited.  Chase laced his hands behind his head and gazed up at the ceiling contentedly. 

“Are you going to elaborate?” I asked. 

“Hold on, I’m rather enjoying this new cryptic side of my personality.” 

“Well, let me know when you’re finished.  I’m going to enter the week’s receipts in the meantime.” 

Chase took his feet off the desk and leaned his elbows on his knees.  “Steph is pregnant.” 

I felt myself smiling.  “Oh yeah?”

“Yeah.” 

“Well shit bro, congratulations!” 

He gave me a small smile but then it slowly faded from his face.  “Thanks.” 

“Don’t cut yourself on that enthusiasm.” 

“It’s not my own enthusiasm I’m agonizing over.” 

Something was wrong.  I knew it was Chase’s dream to marry Stephanie and start a family. Since Chase was never one to hide his exuberance there had to be a reason he wasn’t jumping up and down. Given the fact that they were planning on moving into a Phoenix apartment in two weeks and hadn’t hinted that wedding bells were forthcoming I figured the pregnancy wasn’t a planned one.  I thought back to the early morning four years ago when Saylor had shaken me out of a dead sleep to joyfully announce that we were going to be parents.  I’d stared at the pregnancy test feeling a chaotic mixture of pride, terror and love.  Sometimes even now I was still astonished over my good fortune, overwhelmed by the fact that out of all the better men on earth Saylor McCann had picked me.

After a moment Chase sighed.  In halting words that seemed to hurt him as they emerged he confessed that he and Steph just weren’t connecting lately.  She’d wanted to go to law school but now with a baby on the way he was afraid she thought she’d missed the chance.  She didn’t even want to talk about it anymore.  Stephanie, like all of us, also had some baggage.  Hers was in the form of a philandering father and a history of seeing men at their worst.  Maybe she feared what marriage and kids would do to her relationship with Chase.  Whatever was going on, Chase seemed reluctant to force a confrontation.  It hurt to hear him quietly admit that he was afraid of the truth.   Afraid that maybe the girl he loved didn’t want the same things he wanted. 

“Look,” I said. “You guys are overdue for a sincere conversation.  So quit dancing around the topic, sit her down, and have it out.  You love each other.  You belong together and I wouldn’t bullshit you about that.  Everything else can be worked out, Chase.  Tell her how you feel about her and listen to what she says.  It doesn’t need to be a big event.  Just needs to be honest.”

“A perpetual series of grand gestures,” he muttered, rubbing the back of his neck. 

“What?”

Chase looked at me.  “I stopped by your house today and talked to Saylor.”

“What did she say?”

“That life can’t be measured as a series of grand gestures.  You just need to let the moments unfold.  And then cherish them when they do.” 

“Good advice.”

“Brilliant.”

“So take it.”

“I plan to.  Can I have that bag of chips on your desk?”

Chase only hung around for another twenty minutes or so.  He wanted to get home and clean up the apartment before Stephanie got there.  He still seemed a bit distracted when he left Scratch.   As I watched him walk away I silently reassured my brother that everything would be all right.  It would be.  He and Stephanie would be fine.  I just knew it. 

Since foot traffic had been light all day I made the spontaneous decision to close up shop early.  Aspen and Brick practically ran out the door the moment the words left my mouth. 

Because it was a long holiday weekend and because I’d been neglecting all my girls lately I’d already decided to keep the place closed until Tuesday.  As I hung the sign on the door I really started to get eager about having three days off.  On the way home I stopped at a drugstore and bought some sparklers because I knew the girls would get a kick out of them.  Saylor would raise an eyebrow but she’d indulge me as long as there was no real danger and I’d make sure I was standing right beside the girls the whole time. 

Before I checked out I also picked up a small bouquet of roses and a cheap bottle of wine.  I had some seduction ideas for sure, but mostly I just wanted to see Saylor’s smile when I walked through the door. 

“Cord!  You’re home early!” 

“Daddy!”

“Daddy’s home!”

I felt their arms and collected their kisses.  Cami and Cassie demanded an immediate RSVP to a very important tea party they were hosting in their bedroom and Saylor lit up when she saw the flowers.  When the girls scampered down the hall I pulled my wife to me, slipping my arms around her waist and sliding my tongue into her mouth.  She responded eagerly, pressing her body close and issuing a small moan that kicked all my senses into high gear.   She felt so good.  She always felt good. 

“Party time!” called Cami. 

I pulled back a little.  “Party time,” I said with some regret. 

Saylor wrapped her arms around my shoulders.  “Well Mr. Gentry, allow me to invite you a private party I’ll be hosting later this evening.” 

“Oh yeah?  What kind of festivities is the hostess planning?”

“Whatever strikes your kinky fancy, since you’re the guest of honor.” 

I ran my finger down her cheek and over her lips.  “In case I don’t say it enough, I love you, sweetheart.” 

“You say it plenty.  And I love you too.” 

“Mommy!  Daddy!  Where are you?”

“We’re coming, honey,” Saylor called and then let out a little squeal as I picked her up and carried her in style to the best tea party that any two little girls ever planned. 

After dinner we bathed the girls and got them ready for bed.  I didn’t have any more great knight stories swimming around my brain at the moment so the girls contented themselves with listening to me read a story about three young bear cubs that wandered through the wilderness, lost and scared, managing to survive on their wits until the day came when they looked at one other and realized they were full grown bears. 

They were asleep before I finished the story but I finished reading it anyway.  It had a happy ending, as all children’s stories should. 

Saylor had promised me a kinky show and I could have made creative use of her body in a dozen different ways.  But all I wanted was to lay her down and tenderly slip inside of her.  As soon as I felt her come I followed, driving in deep and staying put until every drop was released inside of her.  And even though I’d told her I loved her several times today I said it again and stroked her hair as she fell asleep in my arms.  I was happy to join her. 

There’s something horrible about a ringing phone in the middle of the night.  Some suppressed part of your mind rampages to the forefront, seizing your dream self and shrieking with alarm.  Even before you open your eyes you are running a mental inventory of all the people who are precious to you and with relief you realize your wife is at your side and your babies are sleeping down the hall.  As you sit up in the darkness, red numbers warn you that it is three a.m. 

Nothing good ever happens at three a.m.   In a panic you start thinking of names. 

Chase.

Creed.

Deck.

By the time you reach the buzzing phone your heart is pounding and you don’t even see the caller identification as you touch the screen and swing the phone to your ear because you need to know
right fucking now
if something has happened to someone you love. 

“Hello?”

“Cordero.”  The other voice was sad, vaguely recognizable.  “It’s Gaps.  Officer Driscoll.  I had your cell number handy so I figured I’d call you first.” 

Emblem.  The news had something to do with someone down in Emblem. 

“Gaps.”  I was fully awake.  My heart was a thudding gong.  What happened?”

“Shit, I’m sorry, Cord. Not right to have to tell you like this, but it’s your mother.  Maggie is dead.”