Hold (16 page)

“You act tough,” she began. When she noticed his expression, she rephrased, “You
are
tough. You were stronger than anyone else. But you weren’t vicious, and you didn’t hurt people for fun. You didn’t shoot that guard to kill when we escaped, and you didn’t kill Davis, although for a moment I thought you might want to.”

Cain just made a growling noise.

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“And I was wondering if Asp was the first man you’d ever killed.”

He didn’t answer for a long time, during which Riana’s heart beat frantically, afraid she’d pushed too far. Then he finally admitted, “He was.”

“So what crime did you commit?”

His face twisted reluctantly.

Frowning, Riana persisted, “How bad could it be? I figured it was smuggling or something. I didn’t know you were a rancher, and since you seemed to have traveled so much, I thought maybe you bought and sold black-market—”

“No. Nothing that exciting. I actually prefer not to travel at all, and I’d recently found a partner who was going to take over the sales end of things for the ranch. But I couldn’t stay there all the time. I was basically by myself, and there wasn’t chance for…for…”

Riana suddenly understood his awkward expression. She choked on a burst of laughter. “So you had to make trips to the galaxy hot spots so you could have some fun and find a woman or two to fuck?”

His expression affirmed this as the truth.

While Riana didn’t like the idea of Cain fucking anyone but her, she could hardly blame the man for needing to find some physical release now and then. And she was kind of glad he hadn’t had a serious girlfriend or someone he had feelings for.

Maybe it was selfish—since it meant he’d been lonely for a long time—but she liked that she was the first woman he’d cared for like this.

“Anyway,” Cain admitted, his voice even gruffer than normal. “I made the mistake of sleeping with the wrong woman. Apparently she was the mistress of a Coalition commander and…”

Riana gasped, horrified and disbelieving at once. “You got sent to that hellhole just because you fucked some tramp?”

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He gave her a wry look. Like her, he seemed to have turned to bitter irony as the only way to handle living in Coalition space. “Almost as good as trespassing, isn’t it?”

She wasn’t sure if she wanted to cry or laugh, so she settled for squeezing him in her arms. “My God, Cain. And you were there for more than a year. How did you stand it?”

He was holding on to her so tightly she was afraid her ribs might crack. But she didn’t want him to let go.

He wasn’t a sentimental man, and he wasn’t an openly emotional one. But she understood him just the same.

And right now he was making it clear that he needed desperately to hold on to her for fear he would lose what was so important to him.

That would have been enough. The admission she could feel in his grip. But to her surprise he managed to shape his feelings in words.

He muttered, “I wouldn’t have made it without you.”

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Riana woke up alone.

The bed was familiar now—big, clean and comfortable. And there was faint light shining dimly from the hallway.

She never slept in pitch darkness anymore.

But when she rolled over and opened her eyes, she saw the other side of the bed was empty. The covers were warm and rumpled from where he’d been sleeping but Cain was no longer in bed.

She wasn’t surprised or particularly concerned. She knew immediately where he was.

Sometimes she just went back to sleep when she woke up and found he was missing. But this was the third night this week. So she rolled out of bed and padded barefoot out of the house.

Both moons were nearly full and the night was clear so there was plenty of light illuminating the expansive yard and the sloped fields surrounding the house. Cain’s ranch was vast and it had taken her weeks to grow familiar with the endless stretches of land. But she knew where she was going now.

The soft grass was cool beneath her feet and she wished she’d put a wrap around her sleeveless nightgown before she’d come outside. The weather here was milder than on Earth but the evenings were brisk this time of year.

She found Cain exactly where she’d expected him to be. He was stretched out on a blanket, on the top of a hill behind the main house. He didn’t have a shirt on but he was wearing the soft, pull-on pants he usually slept in. His arms were crossed behind his head and he was staring up at the stars in the sky.

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He didn’t turn his head or speak as she approached, but when she lay down beside him he reached out for her, pulling her snugly against his side and keeping his arm around her.

“Did you have another one?” she murmured, feeling like she needed to speak softly so she wouldn’t disturb the quiet serenity of the evening.

“Yeah.”

Cain had been having nightmares semi-regularly since they’d escaped. He might go weeks without one but then something—usually stress or an emotional disturbance—

would trigger them again.

His nightmares were always the same. Being trapped in a small space in the dark.

Being helpless to get out, to respond, to move.

Riana’s two months in the prison had traumatized her as well. But Cain had been locked up a year longer than her.

“That’s the third time this week.” She stroked his chest, enjoying the feel of the firm flesh, hard muscles and coarse hair. His body was still as tight and muscular as it had been in prison. He was a physical man and he worked hard every day on this ranch.

Riana worked hard too. But it was work she’d grown to love as much as Cain did.

He raised a kind of hybrid cattle that had been brought here from Earth several generations back. He had horses too and Riana had delighted in learning to ride.

There were a lot of planets like this in Coalition space—on the outskirts, overlooked by those in authority, rustic and backward in the popular conception.

But Riana loved the simplicity and the natural beauty—especially since the natural beauty of Earth and the major planets of the Coalition had been used up ages ago. And she also loved how far removed this planet was from the notice of the Coalition. She felt at peace here. And at home. For the first time in her life.

“I’m sorry if I woke you up.” Cain’s voice was low and gruff, but his hand was gentle as it stroked her hair. “I try to be quiet.”

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“You didn’t wake me up. I think I just know when you’re not in bed with me.”

“Sometimes I sleep better out here.”

It wasn’t difficult to understand why. If your fear was enclosure, being boxed in, then the vast fields, endless sky and fresh air of this spot was as far from that as possible. Sometimes Cain just couldn’t stand to be inside.

When a night was as gorgeous as this one, Riana could hardly blame him.

So she scooted up and draped herself on him, caressing the strong lines of his face with one hand. “You haven’t had three nightmares in one week for a long time. Is there anything you want to tell me?”

Something must be troubling him. He would always be the strong, silent type—and he’d never spill out all his feelings like she did—but they’d made a lot of progress in their relationship over the last eight months. And he was always honest with her when she asked him directly.

He gazed up at her, his pale blue eyes reflecting an expression she saw a lot now—

made up of tenderness, possessiveness and something like awe. “You’re so beautiful.”

He reached up to push her dark curls back from where they’d been grazing his chest.

She’d let her hair grow long and washed it sometimes twice a day.

Riana smiled, although she was deeply touched by the simple compliment. “Don’t try to distract me with flattery,” she told him. “Has something been troubling you?

Does it have something to do with this?”

Placing her left hand on his chest, she stared down at the ring on her finger, the one he’d given her last week.

Presenting a woman with a diamond ring for an engagement was an old-fashioned custom that wasn’t followed by most couples anymore—the general consensus labeling the little ritual outdated and out of keeping with Coalition values and sensibilities.

But Cain was an old-fashioned guy. And when he’d asked her to marry him last week, he’d given her the diamond ring she was wearing.

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It was the best gift Riana had ever received.

Cain picked up her hand from his chest and pressed a kiss into her palm. “I’m not getting cold feet, if that’s what you think.”

“I didn’t think that.” She shifted above him, her hip grazing his groin. And she was surprised and pleased to feel that he had grown a little hard—just from having her body draped over his. “But I wondered if you were worried about something related to
us
.”

He didn’t respond immediately. Just idly stroked her hair. Then finally he murmured, “I think you know what it is.”

“I do,” she admitted, leaning down to press a little kiss just to the side of his mouth.

“But do you think you can tell me anyway?”

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath in a conscious effort to break down the defenses of stoicism that came naturally to him and that had solidified to a frightening extent during his experience in the Hold.

But he’d come a long way since then. And now he told her the truth. “I still don’t think I deserve you. I don’t deserve to be so happy. After the way I acted there—

especially toward you.”

Riana exhaled discreetly, relieved he’d finally gotten it said. “That’s silly,” she whispered, adjusting to rest her cheek on his chest, thinking he’d feel more comfortable talking about this if she wasn’t staring at him.

“I know. But I still don’t feel like I gave you much choice.”

“It was my choice. I could have chosen something else. Or someone else. I didn’t. I chose you. And I could just as easily feel guilty about putting pressure on you to rescue me and then take care of me all those weeks.”

Cain snorted. “That’s absurd.”

“I know. But that’s how I feel about your worries.”

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She could hear him swallow hard. Then he said thickly, his hoarse voice generating vibrations she could feel along the length of her body, “You say that because you know me as I am now. You’re imposing the man you know today on the man who took you to his cell and fucked you the first time. But I wasn’t the same man then. I had retreated into myself completely. It was the only way I was able to stay sane that first year. I isolated myself, didn’t think about anyone else. I might not have been violent but I had become as much of an animal as all the rest of them.”

She frowned, caressing the side of his flat belly. “You were not an animal. I saw who you really were. I knew you were strong but I could also see your…your humanness. That’s why I chose you.”

“Maybe you saw a glimmer of it but there wasn’t much left at that point. When I first saw you, I wanted you so much. You were so beautiful and brave and untouched by the grim reality of the Hold. You were the only light I’d seen in that whole dark year.

I wanted it so I just took it.”

He’d never shared so much about how he’d felt the first time he’d saw her or what his motivation in coming to fight for her had been. Despite the seriousness of their conversation, Riana was moved by his admission. And she felt a little thrill of girly delight that she’d provoked such a reaction in this strong, incredible man.

“You didn’t take it,” she objected. “I offered it to you. Would you have come out of your cell at all if I hadn’t let you know I wanted you to?”

“No,” he admitted slowly.

“See. Stop beating yourself up. You weren’t perfect—you were terse and kind of pushy at first. But I wasn’t perfect either. And if I had been in that prison by myself for a year, I would have been a lot less human than you were with me.”

He didn’t respond but one of his hands had slid down to cup her bottom.

“I love you, Cain,” she murmured, leaning up so she could look down at his face.

Her hair spilled down around both of them. “I fell in love with you in that prison. I 131

Zannie Adams

wouldn’t have fallen in love with someone who had just selfishly taken what he wanted from me. You gave as much as you took.”

For just a moment, his eyes looked almost anguished and desperate. “I hope so.”

Realizing that she wasn’t going to be able to talk him into believing her, she leaned down to kiss him—deeply, softly, lovingly. He responded immediately, his hands clutching at her and his mouth opening hungrily to hers.

When she broke off the kiss, she murmured against his mouth, “Are you happy, Cain?”

“You know I’m happy. That’s where all the guilt comes from.”

She kissed him again, brushing her fingers along the tight skin of his scalp, feeling the light texture of the dark hair he still shaved close. “How happy are you?”

He didn’t want to release her lips but when he finally broke off to breathe he said thickly, “I feel like every dream I’ve ever had—even the ones I never knew I wanted—

has come true.”

She wanted to melt from pure joy and tenderness. She rubbed her body against his hard one, realizing he had grown more erect. “Me too,” she breathed, kissing little lines around his face. “That’s how happy I am too. I was lonely and aimless all my life. And you’re the one who has helped me change that. If I’m this happy to be with you, why should you ever feel guilty about it?”

Cain had grabbed her hips and was holding her pelvis against his, and she gave a pleased mew at the feel of his erection against her groin. “Good question,” he muttered, giving a little buck up into her.

Deciding the time for discussion had passed, Riana pulled her little nightgown off over her head so she was naked to the open air and night sky. Cain reached up to cup and fondle her breasts as she pushed down his pants to free his cock.

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