Hold Me (10 page)

At the crack of dawn, Derek returned, ready to collect Hadley and leave. It would have been nice to have him stay awhile, but he had to get back. He did promise to return soon for a longer stay. He left us with a small bag of supplies that he'd collected and a charger for the radio he left the last time he was there. He wanted to make sure if anything ever happened, we'd be able to contact him if we needed to. Of course it wouldn't work from where we were, but once we got closer to the base, we'd be able to reach him.

Before he left, he pulled me aside away from the others to talk.

"You still have that injection I gave you, right?"

His expression was serious and it made me a little anxious. "Of course. Did you need it back?"

"No, no. I want you to promise me you won't leave here without it. I learned a little more about what was going on back at the base and I think the one you have might actually be more effective than I thought. There's been a lot of weird shit going on down at the lab and I really feel like they are close to a breakthrough."

"That's what Hadley said."

His eyes narrowed and he shot me a funny look. "Well I'm not sure how she knows, but okay. Wait, she didn't say it was a vision, did she?"

Derek didn't put much stock in Hadley's supposed psychic abilities and really, I wasn't sure what I believed, but something about her made everyone accept that she believed it.

"No, she overheard a couple of the doctors talking. She said they ignore her because they think she is too dumb to understand."

"That girl is one of the smartest people I've ever met. Even if she is kind of weird."

"I'm really glad you brought her. It was good to see her again."

"Yeah, she was not about to let me out here again without her. But seriously, Andi, keep that shot with you. I'll do my best to get another one for you, but I can't make any promises. They keep that shit under lock and key and Tommy said it's getting too difficult to get the stuff to make more on his own. I don't even know how he was able to get the stuff to begin with, without being caught. Just try to keep yourself safe for a while longer. This thing might actually turn in our favor sometime in the near future." He pulled me in for a hug and squeezed like he might never see me again. And really, maybe he wouldn't.

"Okay, okay, I can't breathe," I squeaked out, trying to inflate my lungs enough to speak.

"Be safe, Andi. I'll be back soon."

As I watched Derek and Hadley climb the stairs and disappear from the basement, I had a feeling that I'd see them both again, but there was something in the pit of my stomach that told me it might not be on the best of terms. I wanted to be hopeful and believe in the future, that things could start to return to normal, but there was something gnawing at me. I couldn't shake the feeling that there was so much more we'd have to go through before we got there.

CHAPTER TEN

It had been a few days since Derek and Hadley left and we were running low on some things. I hadn't been out of the basement since we got back and I was starting to get a little sick of being trapped in the same four cement walls. So when it came time for a supply run, I was all for it.

I looked around the upstairs of my family home and noticed for the first time that things didn't look quite right. The bookcase was knocked over and some furniture was moved around. Some of the things that had stayed perfectly in their place since the outbreak, were strewn about, broken and disheveled.

It was sad to see my childhood home like that. I wanted to stop, pick up the pieces and fix everything. I could imagine my mother crouched on the floor amidst the mess, sobbing. It would have broken her heart to see our home like that. A sharp pain shot through my chest for her. As much as I wanted her with me, I was glad she didn't have to see things the way they were.

"You okay?" Dan grabbed my hand and looked over me.

I hadn't realized I stopped. Motionless, I stared at the mess.

"Andi…?" Dan shook me gently.

I pulled my focus back and looked up at him. "Yeah, sorry. It's just…"

Dan took a breath and sighed. "I know. Looks like some looters came by when we were all gone. I saw smoke coming up from a chimney a few blocks over on my last hunt, so I'm guessing there are others in the area."

I wasn't sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing. Anyone calling attention to themselves that way was either stupid or brazen enough not to care who found them. If they were just stupid, they wouldn't be there long. If they were in the latter group, there was no way to know if they were a serious threat or not. And I was more likely to count them as a threat.

"Let's just get out of here, okay?" I took one last look around what used to be my family's living room, and headed toward the door.

Dan nodded and followed behind me.

"What exactly are we out here for?" I volunteered to go along on the run without even asking what it was for. I just needed to get out of that basement for a while.

"Whatever we can find. Parts for the stove, kerosene for the heater, whatever. We need to start thinking more about winter. It's getting cold at night and not all of us have a warm body next to us to keep warm." Dan nudged me with his elbow playfully.

He was taking things better than I thought he would. Every so often, I noticed a sad look or he got quiet when Will and I were close, but all things considered, he was doing all right. I wanted things to be different for Dan. I wanted him to have someone he loved the way I loved Will. But then I guess he did— just not someone who could give him that love back.

"Do you even know how to fix a stove?"

Dan laughed. "I know how to do all sorts of things, love. You might be surprised with the skills I've acquired."

I rolled my eyes and jabbed him in the side with my elbow. It wouldn't surprise me if Dan could fix the stove. Nothing about him really surprised me by that point. He was amazing.

"Sick of the camp stove, huh?"

Dan put his arm across me, blocking the way and took a look around before we continued. "You have no idea."

"Maybe we'll even find some decent food to cook in it once it's fixed. I'm getting so sick of deer. Not that I'm not grateful to Derek for catching that thing, but damn it's lasting forever."

Dan raised an eyebrow and shot me a half-smile. "Would you rather have rabbit?"

My stomach twisted as I thought of the furry little bunnies I'd eaten since the outbreak began. "Uh no."

I wasn't really complaining. I mean, I
was
sick of deer, but I was glad to have actual meat to eat. There had been weeks I survived on nothing more than a protein bar and two cans of lima beans. And I hated lima beans.

The sky was a dark gray, that left the empty neighborhood with an eerie cast which probably meant a storm was coming. The lack of shadows, coupled with the morning quiet, had me a little on edge and on higher alert than usual. Normally, I felt safe with Dan. Maybe it was stupid, but I just didn't think that he would let anything bad happen to me. At least, I used to feel that way.

Since Will got infected, my whole outlook seemed to change. None of us were safe. That ridiculous bubble I imagined around the three of us popped and left me feeling exposed and vulnerable. That was probably another reason why I wanted to go out with Dan on the supply run. If he left on his own, I would have worried the whole time. If anyone could take care of themselves, it was Dan. He had muscles on top of muscles and was built like a grizzly bear, but my old illusions of safety were shattered the day Will got infected.

"You're being unusually quiet today, love. Something on your mind?"

"Hmm? Oh. No. Just thinking, I guess." I didn't want to tell him I was worried all the time.

Dan hopped up on the hood of an old Camaro and let his bow rest on the dusty metal. "I know something has been bothering you and I think it's time we talk about it. Everything okay with you and Will?"

"Of course. Why would you ask me that?"

He patted the hood for me to sit next to him and dust flew into the air. "You've been quiet, lost in thought, and instead of taking advantage of some alone time with Will, you're out here with me looking for stove parts. What else should I think?"

"You saying you didn't want me to come?" I poked my tongue out at him and slid onto the car with him. It was unusual for us to sit so out in the open like that, but every once in a while, we needed to let go, pretend the world wasn't quite so dangerous and just relax.

"I always want you around, love. You
know
that. Now stop trying to evade the question." Dan took my hand and sighed.

I leaned my head against his massive arm and closed my eyes. Dan was warm and comfortable and everything that made me feel safe in our messed up world. But I was afraid I was going to lose him and I didn't think anything could ever be all right again without him in the world.

"Since Will… I just…I'm just waiting for the next bad thing to happen. You know?"

Dan wrapped his arm around my shoulder and pulled me closer. "Will survived. In fact, he was cured, so you probably don't even have to worry about him getting infected ever again."

I hadn't even thought about that. The cure helped Will's body fight off the virus and make antibodies, so in theory, as long as the virus didn't mutate or some shit like that, he should be safe from getting infected again. Not that I wanted to test that theory out.

"It's not Will I was worried about."

Dan's forehead creased down and he tilted his head to look at me. "What then?"

I sighed. It wasn't a conversation I wanted to have, but I knew he wasn't going to let me off easy. "I don't know… you… me… everyone else in the world I know."

"Sweetheart, we've all lost people. I get it. Coming so close to losing Will… it changes you. But, you have to live life anyway. I'll do my damnedest to keep you safe and I'm not going anywhere, so stop your worrying about me." He bumped his shoulder against mine and hopped off the car.

"You don't know that though. None of us are safe."

"You're right. We're not and it sucks, but you worrying about it ain't gonna change anything."

He was right and I knew it, but I didn't want it to be true. I just wanted some security, definites, a guarantee written in blood. Whatever it took to stop the nightmares and anxiety and bring me a little of the peace of mind I had back at the military base. Back before Janet died, and Will went missing. Before Will nearly died, slowly, right before my eyes.

***

Dan and I found the parts we needed, a small cache of fuel, and even a few cans of beef stew, just in time for the rain to begin. I was actually used to walking in the rain, but he insisted we hang back a bit and wait for it to slow down. We found an abandoned hardware store to sit in until the big baby decided he wouldn't melt in the storm.

The store was a mess, shelves knocked over, most of the good items cleaned out, but scattered around in the mess, there were still some usable finds. Dan found a canvas tool bag halfway under one of the fallen shelves and he pried it loose to fill with whatever he found that might be useful. I wasn't really sure what most of it was, but he seemed to have an idea what he was doing so I left it to him.

In front near one of the large windows, there was a workbench and stool, so I made myself comfortable and sat down to wait. There were names carved into the wooden top of the workbench with dates and little sayings. Some were written in pen, listing the date they were there, and others were carved in with whatever tool they might have had at the time. There were a few dates that were recent, but most of it looked to be from before the outbreak. The kind of thing teenagers did to leave their mark on the world. Back when it seemed like that was so important.

I'd actually been in that particular store a few times with my Dad when I was younger. Even if it was just to run a small errand or pick something up for Mom, he usually brought me with him. I could remember when I got to the age where it was more of a chore than it was cool to hang out with my dad. In another life, I might have been one of those kids carving their name into the work bench, counting the minutes before I could get back home to complain to my friends about the agony of my wasted time.

I pulled out my knife and absently carved my name into the splintered wood. Making a mark on the world was so much more important since the outbreak than ever before, because life was so much more uncertain. Not that carving my name into an old piece of wood would make my existence mean something. It didn't. But I wanted there to be some evidence in the world that I was there. That I existed. That I mattered.

"Whatcha doing, love?" Dan came up from behind me and peered over my shoulder.

I shrugged and continued carving the last letters of my name. "Making my mark."

Dan raised an eyebrow and sat down next to me. He looked like he was about to say something, maybe tell me not to worry or that we weren't all going to die, but instead, he pulled out a screwdriver from his newly collected hoard, and started carving his name in next to mine.