Hold Me Close (17 page)

“I’m fine, Mags. I’m going home to shower.”

“I have family dinner today. You’re welcome to come if you want.”

“No, thanks. I think I’m going to hang out with my dad.”

“Want to get together later for a movie or something?”

“Maybe. Give me a call.”

He dumped the rest of his coffee down the drain. She picked her cup up and drank as he walked toward the bedroom. The uneasy feeling deepened and pressed on her. Something went wrong, but she had no idea what.

She recalled their brief conversation. Could it be Shane was mad that she talked about finding a boyfriend? Would that make him mad? She was putting them back to normal. It was what they’d agreed on.

Her heart rate kicked up. She followed him down the hall. Leaning against her doorway, she watched him jump into his jeans and gather his other stuff in his arms.

“What’s wrong?”

“I’m fine.”

“No, you’re not. You’re mad. I want to know why.”

He sighed and his chest made it look like the air weighed a ton. “I’m not mad.”

She straightened away from the frame. She didn’t like these games. “Are you mad because I talked about finding a boyfriend?”

Rather than step into his shoes, he carried them. “I’m not mad. I’m worried, Maggie. You’re so impatient. I’m afraid you’ll think one sexual encounter makes you . . .”

She knew where this was going, and it pissed her off. “Makes me what?”

“Just don’t rush it.”

“Makes me what, Shane? Normal, right? That’s what you were going to say?”

“Yes, Maggie, normal. I love you, but you’re not normal. You were raped. That is never going away.”

Her throat tightened and her eyes burned. Not Shane. Everyone in her life had tiptoed around her for a long time, treating her like she was fragile. But not Shane. He’d always treated her the same. “Don’t you fucking think I know that? I live with it every damn day. I don’t need you to tell me I’m not normal. I know that too. But that doesn’t mean I don’t get to live a normal life.”

“That’s not what I meant.” His voice was quiet. He sounded hurt. But she couldn’t care. She was pissed. And hurt. “You did, or you wouldn’t have said it.” Her cup shook in her hand.

“Fuck.” The curse came out as a sharp whisper. “Maggie.” He stepped toward her.

She backed up. “I’m pissed off now, Shane. Go home. We’ll talk later. Maybe. You know, if I’m not too fucked up in my own head to be normal.”

She turned and went back to the kitchen. She heard his heavy footsteps behind her. His hand landed on her shoulder and he spun her around. “Don’t twist my words. I wasn’t trying to say that there’s something wrong with you—”

“But there is.”

“Christ, Maggie. I don’t want you to take this one victory and rush into some asshole’s arms.”

He stopped. Maggie had the impression he planned to say more, but he stopped himself. She stood and stared into his eyes. She saw pain, which was like a stab to the heart. “I won’t. I need to move on with my life. I have to learn to trust myself to choose a good guy and then trust him enough to take care of me.”

He backed off, dropping his hand from her shoulder. She missed the reassuring weight.

He disappeared back to the bedroom and walked past her again with his things. A rock sat in her stomach. She had no idea how things had gone so wrong. She and Shane had fought before, many times over the years, but this felt different. This was real pain, not just anger.

She swallowed past the lump in her throat and pushed down the urge to go after him. She needed to understand why she was so angry first. It shouldn’t have surprised her that Shane would tell her what to do. In that way, he was very much like her brothers.

Maybe that’s why she was so upset. He was the one person who was supposed to be in her corner. She’d calm down and talk to him later, when she could be rational and not accuse him of being like Ryan.

In the meantime, she had to go see her real brothers.

CHAPTER 12

S
hane walked into his apartment and slammed the door. It didn’t make him feel any better. What. The. Fuck. How could Maggie make love to him and then talk about moving on with some other guy who would take care of her? The damn bed wasn’t even cold yet.

He’d expected a conversation in the morning, but not that one. He scrubbed his hand over his head in frustration. Breaking something would feel awesome right now. But since everything in his apartment was new, he wasn’t about to undo all of his hard work.

He threw his shoes against the cabinets and went to his bedroom. Pulling fresh clothes from his dresser, he realized he still smelled like sex and Maggie. He couldn’t work like that, so he opted for a shower.

Once he was clean, his head was also a little clearer. He’d made a deal with Maggie. He knew that going in, and his own silly romantic ideas wouldn’t change that. They’d talk later and they’d be okay. He’d told himself from the beginning that if all he got was one shot to be with Maggie, it would be enough.

But it’s not,
a sneering voice in his head pointed out. It would have to be enough because he couldn’t imagine his life without her. He turned on the radio to drown out the sounds of the nasty voice in his head that reminded him that as long as Maggie was in his life, he’d have to see her with other men. He turned to the classic rock station, blaring the Stones singing “Satisfaction.” He started a pot of coffee and surveyed the work he needed to finish.

The drywall was done and ready to paint. He hated painting. It wasn’t physical enough and it didn’t require mental power. He’d buy and install the trim today. Trim would keep his mind occupied and off Maggie. While his coffee brewed, he measured the walls again as if he didn’t already know the dimensions. He made halfhearted notes for his shopping list.

He filled his to-go cup, grabbed his list, and turned off the radio. Before leaving, he opened his door and peered out. He wasn’t sure if he was hoping to see Maggie or avoid her, which was really sad. Shaking his head at himself and his stupid ideas, he went to his truck.

After spending most of the day cutting and installing trim, Shane didn’t feel any better. He’d managed to keep his mind off Maggie mostly out of sheer determination. If he got distracted, he’d screw up the trim, and his dad had taught him a long time ago he needed to measure twice, cut once. The simple mantra kept him on task and focused. When he decided to call it quits for the day, he was coated in fine sawdust.

He brushed himself off and then took off his shirt and pants and shook them out. He checked the time. Maggie would still be at dinner with her family.

He needed to stop thinking about where she was and when she might be back. He needed to step back from her if he wanted to keep their friendship.

The thought irritated him almost as much as his conversation with Maggie this morning. He took a shower and went to see his family. Hopefully, only his parents would be at home. He didn’t need any more time with crazy females today.

When he got to his parents’ house, he didn’t see his mom’s car. Dad’s truck was in the driveway, but that didn’t mean much. Shane let himself into the house. “Hello?”

No one answered. Didn’t that just figure. After spending the entire day by himself, he needed the noise and distraction of his family, and they weren’t home. He tossed his keys on the counter and pulled out his phone to contact his dad. He shot a text and waited for a reply.

Just as he settled at a kitchen chair, the back door opened and Cara walked in.

“Hey, what are you doing here?”

“I could ask you the same. I thought you stayed on campus.”

“I live on campus, but this is still home. I get tired of roommates and parties.” She narrowed her eyes at him. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing. I came home hoping to get a real meal. My apartment is still under construction.” The half truth should’ve been enough, but not for Cara.

“And?”

“And what? I should’ve called first, obviously, because no one’s here. So that means no dinner.”

“I’m here. And I cook. I’ll even cook for you if you tell me what’s bothering you.”

“Nothing’s bothering me.”

She smiled. “That means it’s girl trouble.” She bit the inside of her cheek as she thought. “This is tough because I don’t remember Mom talking about a new girlfriend.”

“There is no girlfriend.”

“So it’s someone you slept with.”

“Shut up, Cara.”

“I love it when I’m right. What’s the problem? You screwed some girl and she thought it was going to be a lifetime commitment?”

Just the opposite
. “You have no idea what you’re talking about.” He felt uncomfortable under her steady gaze. She had their mom’s eyes, and she could stare down anyone.

She rolled her eyes then. “Men,” she huffed. But she went to the refrigerator and scoped out the options. “Mom has leftover pasta in here. That good for you?”

“Yeah. Whatever.”

Cara pulled out the plastic containers and then dishes from the cabinet. The sounds in the kitchen brought him back to being a kid. It didn’t matter that it was his sister and not his mom making the noise and the food; it felt the same.

She set a plate in front of him. He went to the fridge, grabbed the milk, and poured a glass for each of them.

He picked up his fork. “For the record, this doesn’t count as cooking. All you did was reheat. I could’ve done that.”

“But you didn’t. So I get credit for feeding you. Make sure you tell Mom.”

They ate in silence for a few minutes. “So how’s Maggie doing since she came back? I overheard Dad saying she’s working at the bar.”

“She’s fine. Good.”

“Isn’t it weird for her to work at the bar?”

He lifted a shoulder. “She has some bad days, but overall she missed being part of the family business.”

He shoveled more pasta in his mouth. He definitely didn’t want to talk about Maggie. It was his whole reason for coming here. “How’s school?”

“Fine. Same shit, different day. I’m ready to be done.”

He remembered those days. The last few months of senior year had been horrible. “That doesn’t make much sense since you just signed on for three more years of school.”

“That’s different. That’s law school. The stuff I learn there will be useful. It’s what I need for my career. These classes, not so much.”

He couldn’t argue. He still wasn’t using a damn thing he’d learned in college. Of course, he hadn’t gone to school to be a carpenter. Watching his younger sisters grow up and move into their careers unsettled him. Was this all he had to look forward to? Being his dad?

Maggie had a point. He had been sitting back and waiting for the job to come to him. With Chicago, he didn’t have much of a choice. Maybe it was time to look elsewhere.

“You’re quieter than usual. Something’s wrong. You can tell me. I’ll even promise not to tell Mom and Dad.”

Could he talk to Cara? She could keep a secret. Surprisingly, all of his sisters were good at that.

“You’re a girl, right?”

She grunted. “Last I checked.”

“That didn’t come out right. I mean, you know girls and how they think. Is it possible a girl could sleep with a guy and have it be just sex?”

She laughed at him. Then laughed some more. “Lord, Shane. Welcome to the twenty-first century. Guess what? Women like sex. Guys don’t have the corner on the market. Yes, girls have sex just to have a good time. We’re not all weepy women, mooning for some soul mate.”

“I know that.” He inhaled to get it right this time. “Before I go on, it would help if you didn’t include yourself in this conversation. I really don’t want that information. But if a girl cares about a guy, they have a relationship, and they sleep together, what’s the likelihood it was just biology?” He knew in his gut it wasn’t just biology with Maggie, but he had no idea how else to explain it.

“Look, I can—I mean, a girl can like a guy and not want a relationship. Relationships take work. School is time-consuming: reading, homework, papers, friends. Many of us—many women—just want a good time, a physical release. It doesn’t mean they don’t like the guy. In fact, lots of people I know hook up routinely for a ‘friends with benefits’ thing.” She finished her dinner and stood to take her plate to the sink.

“No, it’s not that. She definitely wants a relationship.”

“Then maybe you’re not good enough. A girl doesn’t want a relationship with a guy who can’t get it right.”

“I got it right. I’m
not
having that conversation with you. I knew this would be a mistake.” He stood and put his dish in the sink.

“No, wait.” She laid a hand on his arm. “You’re really worked up about this. It’s not like you. Isn’t this normally the kind of thing you’d talk to Maggie about?”

As soon as she finished the question, he saw the idea flash in her mind.

“Oh, my God. You and Maggie slept together.” Although she whispered the words like they were a huge secret, she followed it with a squeal-giggle and a jump that only sisters knew how to do. “This is so exciting!”

He shook his head and loaded their dirty plates into the dishwasher.

“Now that I know what this is really about, I need the full story.”

He sat back at the table and explained the situation, leaving out the specific details. He knew the physical part was not an issue. He needed help navigating the emotional situation with Maggie.

“I always knew you guys would be great together.”

“I thought so too.”

“Thought?”

“She’s . . . I don’t know. Determined to find some other guy. It’s like I don’t exist as a guy for her.”

“Trust me, if she slept with you, and it was her idea, she’s well aware you’re a guy. Did you bother to tell her how you feel?”

Shane stared at his sister.

She rolled her eyes. “Men. You’re so stupid.”

“I’m not stupid.”

“Yeah, you are. Is Maggie supposed to be psychic? Guys always accuse women of not saying things straight, using some kind of code when we talk, but at least we talk. You have to tell her how you feel.”

“What if she doesn’t feel the same? Then I lose my best friend.”

“What did you expect to happen?”

“I thought she’d feel it. I did. It wasn’t just fucking, Cara. It’s different when it’s someone you love. I always thought that was some bullshit Mom and Dad spewed to get me to keep it in my pants as a teen. But they were right.”

“I know.”

He shot her a look, but her eyes darted away. When had Cara ever been in love? “Who?” he asked.

“We’re not talking about me.”

“I kind of wish we were.”

“You need to talk to her. Take that risk. Otherwise, you keep things as they are. You need to decide what’s more important.”

Maggie. She was all that was important. But that wasn’t much of an answer. Could he just tell Maggie he wanted that relationship with her?

He still wasn’t sure. Talking with Cara didn’t make him feel any better. He had no idea why women advocated all this talking shit. It hadn’t done him any good.

Maggie walked into her mom’s house, late as usual. All of her siblings were already there. In the past year, they’d added so many family members, the house was filled to bursting. Maggie’s first thought was that their dad would’ve loved it.

She walked past her brothers sitting in the living room and into the kitchen to find her mom and Moira at the sink. Quinn was putting something in the refrigerator.

“Hey,” Maggie called.

Moira turned. “I’m glad you’re here. I need to talk to you after dinner.”

“Talk now.”

“No. It’s too much with all these people.”

“Moira, go set the table,” their mom said.

“Grab the silverware,” Moira said to Maggie.

Together they went back into the dining room. If the family grew any more, they’d need to invest in a bigger table. Not that one could fit in this room. Extra folding chairs had been added to the corners of the table.

“What’s going on?” Moira asked.

“You’re the one who said she needed to talk to me.”

“That’s a work thing. We’ll talk about that later. I mean, you look different.”

Shit. Could Moira look at her and know she’d had sex? She’d been dying to talk to someone. But not here. Not now, with her entire family within eavesdropping distance.

“We’ll talk about that later too.”

“What’s going on?” Ryan asked. “You two look thick as thieves, just like when you were scheming as kids.”

“What?” Moira’s eyes widened, trying to look innocent.

Maggie didn’t have the heart to tell her she couldn’t pull that off anymore.

“Moira, Maggie, come get the food,” their mother called.

Both girls rolled their eyes.

“Ryan and Colin have arms too, Mom,” Moira yelled back.