Hold Me Close (15 page)

“That’s ridiculous. He worshipped you.”

“He did. But I was no longer what he needed. Sure, he swore I was the one who needed more, but this wasn’t the first time this happened and I can see it’s not going to be the last.”

He wanted to make sense of what she was saying, but it was impossible. “I think we need to start from the beginning instead of you talking in cryptic circles. Go and sit on the couch and think about what you need to tell me. I’m going to make us coffee.”

He headed into the kitchen and pulled out the supplies. Since her cottage was set up exactly like his, it was easy for him to locate what he needed. Taking his time, he scooped the beans into the grinder and turned it on. He needed this time to collect his thoughts. What had Jim been up to that night in Purgatory? He’d met with him earlier in the day and they’d set up the scene in advance. Jim wanted Bonnie to think it was a spur of the moment and possibly uncontrolled thing, but he’d been specific about what he wanted. Jim also had a lot of questions about Dex's personal life that Dex shrugged off as meaningless until now.

After he opened the cabinet with the coffee maker, he poured first the coffee beans into the filter and then filled it with water. While the coffee brewed, he pulled out the tray already prepared with sugar and creamer and placed two coffee mugs with them.

He hadn’t known Jim well enough to know what his plans were for his submissive. All he remembered after that night was how Bonnie had made him feel and how much it bothered him. Memories of her lush figure haunted him ever since. Now regret ate at him for not paying more attention.

What was he doing?

He filled the mugs with the freshly brewed coffee and carried the tray into the living room. Dex stopped and looked at her. She’d nestled in the corner of the couch with her legs and feet tucked under her bottom. Even half-hidden, he admired the legs he wanted wrapped around his waist while she begged him for more.

Her eyes were closed, but the little lines between her eyes indicated how distressed she felt. He didn’t want to let her go, but he’d do whatever it took for her to have the life she deserved, including walking away.

First, he’d make sure she was ready. He didn’t like the direction her thoughts were going. Someone not wanting her sounded insane.
 

Catching her off guard, he bent down and pressed his lips to her forehead until her worry creases receded.
 

“How do you take your coffee?”

“I can make it.”

“I know you can, but that’s not what I asked.”

“One sugar, a little creamer,” she said.

He fixed it and handed her the mug. “This should make you feel better. You didn’t sleep much last night did you?”

She sipped the brew and made a little throaty noise. “Is it that obvious?”

“Not really. But since I tossed and turned most of the night, it’s not hard to imagine you doing the same.”

She brought the cup down to her waist, resting it in her palm. “Why do you say things like that?”

He took a quick gulp of his black coffee. “Because it’s the truth.”

She looked skeptical so he quickly changed the subject. “Now tell me why you think Jim wanted to find you a new Dom.”

“Probably because we never had sex.”

He paused with his mouth an inch from his mug. “It’s not unheard of for things to cool in that area during a long-term relationship.”

She smirked at him and he shrugged. He couldn’t imagine a day not wanting to fuck Bonnie, so what did he know?

“No. I mean never. As in not once in all the years I served him did we have sexual intercourse.”

This time Dex started to choke on his drink. He quickly set down the cup. “And since his death?”

His stomach plummeted before she even answered.
 

“No,” she whispered.

“Jesus, Bonnie.” His dick status just got certified.
 

“I know. I should have told you. But that’s not something I want to tell people. Who would believe something that crazy?”

“Why no sex?” He couldn’t get over this.
 

Her face fell and she had to take a deep breath before she continued. “When I first met Jim, I was afraid of sex. Before I could overcome that fear, his...Um...his illness caused him problems in that area.”

Dex nodded. “So you think because you weren’t having sex, he was going to give you away?”
 

Bonnie jumped from the couch and started pacing the room again. Her nervous energy seemed hard to contain. No wonder she spent so much time on her knees. Jim had taught her to use her submission to him as a way to calm her mind. He needed to take a different approach. The serious talk with a relaxing cup of coffee idea was backfiring.
 

“On your knees, Bonnie sub.”

Her head jerked in his direction. She stared at him with defiance for a few long moments before stomping over to the window and grabbing her mat.
 

“Leave it. On your knees now, between my legs.” He shifted in his seat enough to allow his legs to fall open and give her enough room.

“Dex—”
 

“I’m certain you meant to say, Sir.”

She huffed out her breath and he compressed his lips to keep from smiling. He was happy to see her fire. It kept her head on straight.

“I gave back the collar. What more do you want?”

“Your truth. All of it. Now, on your knees.” He added another layer of steel to his voice, making sure she understood how serious he was.

After a loud, dramatic sigh, she walked over to him and dropped to the floor in front of him. His heart and his cock leapt for joy. She never failed to respond to him. Training aside, she could have told him to leave or used her safeword, but she chose to obey.
 

The truth in that thought pinged through his head. She wanted to be here. With him.

He pushed that revelation aside and did what he had to in order to give Bonnie what she needed. The freedom to go after what she wanted, no matter what that ended up being.

He leaned forward and grabbed the sides of her face and pulled their heads close together. “Look at me, Bonnie.” The minute he’d touched her, she squeezed her eyes closed. She followed his directive and met his gaze. “Jim and I may not have been close, but I knew him well enough to know he would not let you go because you weren’t having sex with him. He loved having you in his life. If he wanted you to go to another Dom, then it was about you.
You
, Bonnie. He wanted something more for you. Something he couldn’t give you.” And he was never going to tell her that Jim had indeed asked him if he was looking for a full-time sub.

“My head knows that, but my heart doesn’t want to accept it. I failed him by not being what he needed.”

Dex tightened his hands on her face and kept her eyes locked on his. “We’re humans, Bonnie. We grow and change. It’s not out of the realm of possibility for you to need something different now from what you needed when you came to him.”

Tears were leaking from her eyes and each one shredded him. He tilted her head forward until their foreheads met and sat there for a few minutes just listening to her choppy breaths and stifled sobs. There was one more question he had to ask and he feared her answer would forever mark him as the bastard he tried not to be.

“You said when you met Jim you were afraid of sex. Why? What happened to make you scared?”

“I was a silly girl.”

He lifted his head and captured her gaze once again. “That’s not an answer.”

Bonnie jerked and tried to pull from his grasp. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”

His grip never eased. She had no option to run away from him. “Tell me.”

“It’s really not a big deal. I met a boy, made a bad decision and learned I wasn’t ready the hard way.”

The more she circled the story, the more he feared the worst. The ache in his chest earlier was nothing compared to how he felt now. “Were you raped?”

Dex held his breath.
 

Bonnie closed her eyes and tried to hide her emotions.
 

Except he could feel the fine tremors under her skin. “Don’t leave me, my Bonnie sub, stay with me and tell me what happened.” His fingers began grazing her cheeks. The easy rhythm of the strokes eased a little of the tension for them both.

“Not really,” she finally said.

“There is no not really in that kind of situation. It’s either yes or no.”
 

“Not everything is as black or white as you see, Sir. But if you must have a yes or no, then the answer is no. I wasn’t raped.”

Dex forced himself not to heave a sigh of relief. But that wasn’t enough. “From my perspective and life experience, there is little gray. It’s usually one or the other. So convince me. Make me understand why you’re unsure,” he said.

“I was young.”

“You’re still young.”

She pursed her lips. “Do you want to hear this or not?”

“I do. But not from down there.” He released the sides of her face and slid his hands under her shoulders so he could pull her into his lap. When he got her in place with her facing him and her legs bracketing his, he settled back down. “That’s better. Continue.” He didn’t want to tell her he needed better access. Whatever was coming he wanted the ability to touch her everywhere. They were both going to need it. He started with wrapping his hands around her wrists and anchoring her arms against her thighs.
 

“Like I was saying, I was young and a late bloomer. Didn’t get my first boyfriend until after I turned eighteen. So when it happened, I was in a hurry to experience everything. Most of all I got kind of obsessed with not being a virgin anymore.” She took a quick breath. “So I jumped into bed with this guy thinking I was ready. I wasn’t, but by the time I realized that, it was too late.”

“It’s never too late.” When she winced, Dex realized he’d been squeezing her wrists. He relaxed his hands. “Sorry.”
 

“I was mostly fine until he penetrated me. My body wasn’t ready and it hurt a lot more than I expected. I started crying, but I didn’t say anything. I was horrified by my reaction and even more upset I’d done it with a guy I didn’t really care about.”

“Babe.” She was killing him.
 

“Although my body healed pretty quickly, I fell into a depression after that. I refused to go out with boys anymore, even avoiding social situations where I might lose control. I didn’t trust myself or anyone around me. Of course, I never heard from that boy again, his critique of my sexual skills had been harsh to say the least.”

Dex wanted to punch something. His entire life he’d made sure the women he slept with understood he wanted nothing more than a casual thing, but he damn sure took care of them when he fucked them.

“He didn’t deserve you.” Drawn to touch her with more than his hands, he leaned forward and rained gentle kisses along her neck and shoulder.

“I know. It just took me a long time to get there.”

“Jim did that for you?”

She nodded. “I met him in my first semester of college about seven months after the event. I was trying to re-acclimate by taking a few public classes. That didn’t go so well. I dropped out and Jim got curious about what had happened to me. He was the nicest man I’d ever met and his kindness brought me back.”

“I knew I liked him for a reason.” He reached forward and touched her face again. She was so damned beautiful it was impossible to keep his hands off her. He wrapped his right hand around the back of her neck and tugged her closer. “Kiss me, my Bonnie sub.”

Her eyes brightened a tiny bit before she gave him what he wanted, pressing her mouth to his. Infused with her brand of bold sweetness, he nudged her lips apart and swept his tongue past them. The electric spark between them fired his blood and Dex wanted nothing more than to be inside her. She’d opened up and made him twice as proud to know her. It wasn’t easy to come back—

Wait.

He pulled back, breaking their kiss. They were both already breathing hard and the rosy flush of Bonnie’s skin made it clear she was as aroused as him. “Have you not had sex since you were eighteen?”

“You were the first since then.”

He shoved his hands in his hair and stared at the ceiling. Shit. Shit. Shit. And he’d been rough and careless and a fucking brute every single time. Because when it came to Bonnie, he couldn’t maintain control. She needed gentle. Kid gloves. He knew that even without the whole story.

“Dex.” She touched his chest. “It’s not a bad thing. I’m really glad it was you.”

Buzzz. Buzzz
.

“That’s going to be my ride to the plane.” She tried to push off his chest and stand, but he wrapped his arms around her and stopped her.
 

“Stay with me. We have a whole week. Let me make it up to you.”

Her eyes widened in obvious shock and her teeth sank into her bottom lip. “I want to,” she said, her voice soft. “But I—I can’t.”

“Why not? I know you don’t have to get back to work.”