Hold Me Close (16 page)

Bonnie took a deep breath and blew it out a tiny bit at a time, obviously clearing her thoughts. “I have to go, Dex. I’ve been thinking about making some important changes in my life and—” She hesitated. “I want to find a Dom who wants me like I want him. Not temporarily. I think it’s time.”

Dex ground his teeth together. The thought of her submitting to a different man didn’t sit well at all. He wasn’t quite ready to focus on that. “Then stay the rest of the week and when we get home, I’ll help you find the right Dom.”

Her face fell. “I can’t. If I stay with you any longer, I won't have enough pieces of my heart left to put it back together again. I’m not like you. I can’t do casual, no matter how good it sounds.”
 

This time she hauled herself off the couch and ran to the door. He heard her tell the woman who’d arrived that she needed five minutes to get dressed and she’d meet her outside.

Dex gathered the coffee cups and supplies and carried them to the kitchen. She was right. He had to let her go. She deserved happiness, and for that she needed a firm but gentle Dom. His polar opposite. So why did his chest hurt so much he couldn’t breathe?

Chapter Thirteen

Ten days had passed since he watched Bonnie leave the cottage and walk out of his life. And it felt like months. He left the island shortly after she did and immediately buried himself in work at the tattoo shop. He took on extra appointments and stayed busy enough to keep thoughts of her at bay.
 

He still contended with the nights. Dex hadn't returned to Purgatory. While he didn’t need the job for the money, it did serve as an outlet for his physical desires. But after the less than satisfying night in the Eden dungeon, he was in no hurry to get back into the play scene.
 

While he only spent one night a month in a scene with Bonnie, it had been more than a year since he’d gone this long without seeing her. It surprised him how much he missed her. Her smile lit up a room and her loyalty to her friends at Purgatory inspired most of the staff and him a hell of a lot more than he realized. Some nights he only went to work because he wanted to see her, and now everything had changed for them both.
 

“You planning to mope around here again tonight?”
 

Dex lifted his brow at his friend and business partner, Sterling Cage. They’d been working together a long time now and it wasn’t a surprise he noticed how his trip to Eden had fucked up his mood. “I’m going to ignore you just said that.”
 

“That’s one option.”
 

Unfortunately, his friend came into his office space and took a seat in front of his desk instead of going away.

“Dare I ask what you think my other option is?”
 

“Tell me what happened on that island to get your panties in such a twist.”

Dex frowned. “Your ability to put together such an eloquent sentence astounds me. Don’t you have anything more important to do than harass me while I work?”
 

“Well, that’s the thing. It’s great you’re here and working your ass off. The problem is you’re scaring the kids.”

Dex rolled his eyes. “Pussies.” It was not in his job description to baby their employees. More importantly he didn’t want to talk about Bonnie.
 

“Maybe. Maybe not. Either way, you’ve got a bug up your ass and you need to get it out.”

Dex took a deep breath and tried to regain his fast fading composure. Taking off his friend’s head probably wasn’t the smartest move. His saving grace came in the form of his phone ringing. He picked it up from the desk and saw Gabe was calling. “I’ve got to take this.”

Sterling stood. “Understood. Later if you decide you want to talk, I’ll be around. Otherwise maybe lay off the gloom and doom attitude.”

“Message received.” Now to get over the next obstacle in getting his life back. He turned his attention to the phone and swiped the screen to answer, grateful to escape his friend’s inquisition.

“Hey,” Dex said.

“So you aren’t dead.”

“Not yet.” Dex picked up his pencil and absently started shading in the tiger tattoo he’d just drawn.
 

“What’s going on with you, Dex?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, for starters, are you planning to come back to work? I’m being bombarded with submissives who miss their favorite Dom.”

“Yeah, I’ve just been busy.” Only because he’d over-scheduled every day since he returned from Eden.

“I wasn’t surprised to hear from Roan that you were a hit in the island dungeon. I was, however, surprised to learn Bonnie left after only two days. Care to explain?”

Gabe’s question set him on edge. “Bonnie was my submissive at the time. We both know what happened is none of your business.”
 

“Bullshit. Jim was my friend too and I feel just as responsible for her as you do.”

He doubted that. “So that’s why you tried to set us up? Because it’s what Jim wanted? That’s low, man, even for you.”

Dex could hear Gabe’s exasperation in the heavy sigh that came over the line. “No, you ass. I set you up because you two want each other so bad you can’t stand it. And I figured you were never going to work through your issues in a club scene. You needed time away from here to talk and tell each other the truth.”

“That didn’t work out so well did it? Her story tore me up, but it reinforced the fact that she needs a gentle Dom. Someone like Jim who will firmly guide her in love and submission. Not someone like me who is bound to hurt her.”

Gabe laughed. “Wow. She has made you dumb as hell. Of course that’s what love does when it sneaks up on you.”

Dex stopping working on his drawing and stood. “What I feel or don’t feel has nothing to do with this. It’s about her and what she needs. I’m not going to fuck up her life.”

“Dumb, deaf and blind. Jesus, Dex. Jim was interested in you taking her on because of exactly who you are. Not because he thought you’d be someone different for her.”
 

“But I have been different with her. I hold back.” Except at Eden. He’d been driven by instinct after finding her on the beach and couldn’t stop.
 

“I’ve seen your scenes with Bonnie. You may think you're holding back, but you aren't. That woman likes your brand of pain play as much as you do. If you can’t see that, then there may be no hope for you.”
 

Dex didn’t know what to say. His mind churned at warp speed as memory after memory took over. Bonnie on his cross, Bonnie tied to the table and Bonnie on his bed taking a belt. His grip on control was faltering once again. If this is what love did to him, he had no idea how to embrace it or get the hell away from it.
 

Wait. Love?
 

“This is insane, Gabe.”

“Yeah, it is. But tell me this. How do you feel about me setting her up with someone else tonight?”

Dex felt his chest tighten. He had half a mind to go to Purgatory and pound on Gabe for a while. He wouldn't let up. It was inevitable this would happen but the thought made him see red. She wanted more from him than he could afford to give. “I can’t take chances with her, Gabe. She deserves to be with someone who won’t hurt her.”

“She deserves to be with someone who loves her. Who will care for her.”

“I’m not a caretaker. I'm a pain giver and that's it. You know that.”

“Bullshit. I’ve never seen anyone take more care with every woman he touches. You may not have done long-term with any of them, but you damn well made sure every one of them left you a happy submissive. That’s caretaking, Dex.”

His chest tightened the more this conversation dragged on. “Bottom line, Gabe. Bonnie needs someone who hasn’t been warped by the shit I’ve done. She’s sweet and kind and tender-hearted. We both knew the score when this started. It was nothing but a temporary arrangement and it’s better she cut her losses with me now before she really gets hurt. You of all people know who I am. You should not be questioning this decision.”

“Don’t let her go because you think you might become your father, Dex. You are not your father’s son. He was a selfish, evil prick who cared for no one but himself. He’s dead and gone. It’s time to let it go and love the woman you need.”

“You really do think you’re some kind of kinky cupid don’t you? Enough with the lecture. What’s done is done.”

“I disagree. It’s not over until it’s too late. But time is running out. If you don’t believe me, come see for yourself. Tonight. Think about it. Gotta run.”

“Okay, I’ll think about it. Fuck.” The phone call disconnected and Dex dropped it into his pocket.
 

Gabe may have meant well, but his speech had given Dex one hell of a headache. He walked over to the coffeemaker in the corner of the room and poured a cup, hoping to shake the crap thoughts out of his head. One look at the black sludge someone had made and he knew it wouldn’t be enough. He opened the cabinet overhead and pulled out a bottle of whiskey and added a generous amount to his mug.
 

Now maybe he’d get somewhere.

The rest of the day progressed with no further interruptions and he was damned grateful. Although Bonnie was never far from his thoughts. All afternoon he’d questioned everything. He replayed every moment of the island through his mind again and again. He’d needed more time to get her out of his system, but she’d been smart enough to admit anymore time with him and the intense emotions brought on by their scenes would carry over where it shouldn’t. He admired her for recognizing and voicing her limitations.
 

He glanced at the clock on his computer and imagined Bonnie arriving at work a little early. She was always punctual and well-prepared. She’d don her black corset and sheer black skirt she thought somehow hid her body better than the short skirts the other subs wore. Little did she know, the see through black material made her even more alluring. Every man in the club wanted to be the one to take it off her.
 

Shit.
 

If Gabe really connected her with a Dom tonight, she’d be gone forever. Did Gabe even know her history? An introduction to the wrong man without that information could be disastrous. He had to warn him. Dex dug through all the drawings scattered across his desk looking for his phone when his gaze landed on the sketch from the island. He wanted to give her that drawing while they were there and never got a chance.
 

The artwork now included a naked Bonnie outside a glass window, looking out at the ocean. She’d been an amazing gift to him that night. He would never forget it.
 

His phone sat next to the drawing. He could call Gabe and hash out Bonnie’s past or he could do whatever it takes to make sure she was cared for properly.
 

With the decision made, he scooped up his phone and headed for the door. He wanted to touch her one more time…

Chapter Fourteen

Perched at the second floor entrance to Purgatory, it felt strange not to see Dex working at the flogging station. Before Eden, she could always count on seeing him at work if nothing else. It also made her sad she couldn’t stop thinking about him. Although that didn’t deter her from moving forward. The days since her return had been a whirlwind of paperwork and testing to get re-admitted to college. Classes started next week, giving her only a few days to kill before things got hectic.
 

So on impulse she contacted Gabe and accepted his offer to help her find a Dom and he set up a meet and greet for tonight with someone new. But she missed Dex. Whenever she had a moment to breathe, her mind wandered back to him.
 

It also felt awkward to have someone else setting her up with a Dom. What if there was no chemistry? No spark? She might be making a mistake.

The door beside her opened and a group of women entered, flashing their VIP passes. They were each dressed in teeny-tiny outfits that showed off their perfect bodies. Bonnie pasted on a smile and hoped no one could tell it wasn't real. She scanned each of their tickets and watched them disappear into the crowd. How was she supposed to compete with that?

Every unattached submissive she knew already told her ad nauseum that all the good Doms are taken, and there was no shortage of submissives searching. So she had to work on her patience. That was doable. Her time with Dex taught her she was ready to broaden her experiences and pursue something more than before. And her time with both Jim and Dex was filled with meaningful lessons that made her a better submissive. If it took a while to find the right person, so be it.
 

So why did her heart still ache for the man she couldn’t have?

“Bonnie.”

The sudden sound of Dex behind her caught her off guard and she had to grab the railing to steady herself. She didn’t turn right away to look at the man she thought of night and day. Instead, she took a deep breath to slow her racing heart. Everything about him remained seared in her memory. The short dark hair he always ran his hands through when he was on edge, the five o’clock shadow on him no matter what time of day it was, and the intensity that burned in his eyes when he looked at her.