Hold My Hand (2 page)

He couldn’t possibly know
he’d just quoted one of my favorite hymns but it left me
breathless. I couldn’t resist following his instructions and opened
my mouth as he placed the smooth glass on my bottom lip. The warm
liquid splashed onto my tongue. I rolled it around in my mouth as
I’d seen William do. Then I swallowed, and then groaned, literally
groaned as the wine coated my throat. I’d discovered nectar,
overwhelmed as I was by the new sensation of this drink and the
multitude of tastes that bloomed on my tongue. The warmth radiating
down my throat to my belly was soothing. It was unlike the blessed
wine I received each Sunday at mass. This wine was bursting with
delights I’ve never known.

“You like it.” I liked his
smile more. I liked his words against my skin more still.

“Yes.” I reached for the
wine glass but he held it to my lips again. He used one of his
large hands to move my hands to my lap and held them there. His
eyes never left mine and neither of us spoke another word as he
served me sip after sip until my glass was empty.

“Your cheeks are flushed.
It’s beautiful,” he paused to look at me in that darkly delicious
way he has, “absolutely beautiful, sweet Aubrey.”

I said nothing because
I didn’t know what to say. I just sat, blushing, with my hands in
my lap where he placed them.

“
This is where you
say
thank you
sir
.” He guided me even in our
conversation. He was teaching me as an instructor teaches a
student.

“Thank you, sir,” I repeated
after him and earned myself another smile. I realized then with
absolute clarity, I’d do anything for that smile.

Our meals came next.
As the waiter laid the plates on the table, a delicious dish of
steak and vegetables was placed in front of William. Another plate
with scallops sat near it, slightly between us. Yet another plate
with what appeared to be creamy potatoes sat between us still. I
watched for something to be placed in front of me but there was
nothing more.

“Anything else, sir?” The
waiter asked William.

“No, thank you. It looks
fantastic,” William replied and dismissed the man.

“What about me?” I asked
softly, confused.

“We’ll share. I’d like very
much to feed you.” William spoke slowly and clearly but I still
shook my head as if to clear it. No one had fed me since I was too
young to feed myself.

“I can feed myself.” It
seemed obvious but I said it anyway.

“Indeed.” He nodded once and
surveyed the food, clearly unconcerned with my mild protest. “But I
would prefer this.”

“Does what I prefer
matter?”

“On occasion, Aubrey; but
for now you’ll indulge me. Won’t you?”

I looked back down at my lap
as he began to cut the meat. I allowed him to feed me from his
fork. It was awkward but I didn’t feel like a child, as I
originally feared. He watched me chew. This simple act –his eyes on
me so intently– caused me to fidget despite his earlier warning
against it. I drank when he drank, that deep nectar continuing to
warm me, calm me.

“You’re watching me like a
hawk. Do I scare you?” His grin told me he wasn’t offended but I
worried anyway.

“No,” I answered honestly,
because I realized when forced to consider the question I’m not
frightened by him as much as by my own reactions to him. I’d not
felt this way towards a man before and it left me uncertain, to say
the very least.

“Do you like being fed?”

I considered this next
question and knew my answer in truth but couldn’t bring myself to
say the words, to acknowledge the feelings that were rolling
through me. I chewed my lip and held my tongue.

“You will not lie, Aubrey,
nor will you ignore me. I asked a simple question that requires a
simple reply. Do you like being fed?” His words demanded I
answer.

“Yes.” My voice was quiet
but I knew he heard me when I saw his lips quirk into that
devastating smile of his.

When the plates were nearly
empty, his next words came as if he were reading my mind. “Would
you like to know what I want from you, Aubrey? Perhaps it would
soothe your nerves.” His finger stroked along my cheek until it
rested gently on my lower lip.

“Yes.” The word was nearly a
sigh; and I regretted instantly his finger leaving me.

“
I want you. I want
your submission,” he paused, taking my wrist in his hand and
stroking across my pulse point. I’m certain he felt my pulse pick
up. “’Your submission’ sounds lofty but is really quite simple. I
ask for obedience, for you to trust me to oversee your
pleasure.”

“You mean with… i–in the
bedroom?” I stuttered in my question but had no idea what I was
saying, so far from my comfort zone. These were waters I never
imagined myself in. I’d heard the term, read a regency romance with
a submissive once, but never imagined discussing such a thing with
a man.

“There and other times as
well, mostly at home while we’re by ourselves. You’ll learn when. I
tend to be strict but I also enjoy times when I can relax with my
submissives.”

“Your submissives? There
would be more than me?”

William chuckled. I amused
him. “No, sweet Aubrey, but there have been others in the past. I
found monogamy agrees with me.”

“Monogamy.” I had no idea
why I repeated him except that I was in these unchartered waters
and felt myself drowning.

“One submissive, one
dominant. You and me only. Do you understand?”

“Yes. N-No. I know hardly
anything about dominance and submission. I only understand their
definitions; but what do they have to do with me?” My cheeks were
burning red. I knew this without looking into a mirror. I’d never
imagined speaking to a man about such things. Definitely not.

“I am fairly sure you’re
submissive.” He spoke so confidently that I didn’t argue. I wasn’t
certain he was necessarily wrong given my basic understanding of
the word.

“I don’t know. I’m only me
–just Aubrey- and I have next to no experience.”

“You’ll learn. I’ll teach
you everything you need to know, exactly what I expect, what I want
and when I want it. And if my instincts are right, you’ll become
good at giving it to me.”

“And if I don’t?”

“I’ll punish you. And if my
instincts are correct, you’ll enjoy that as well. But,” he paused
and I could hardly breathe, still drowning in that water, “it will
hurt. It will be discipline so it must teach a lesson.” His mouth
turned up in a wide, Cheshire cat grin, one that reminded me that I
was the canary.

I swallowed but my throat
was dry and I began to cough. William passed me my water glass and
watched as I regained my composure. I’d come to desire this man
despite not knowing what that meant. Now he was laying it out on
the table for me to accept or decline.

“I don’t know if I can do
this.” Even as I said it, I knew I wanted to try. Maybe this, his
dominance, was what had been drawing me to him. That presence he
had that called to me could be the same desires he was talking
about now.

He continued to stroke my
wrist with his thumb. I found it soothing. “I believe you can but
it’s for you to decide. Tonight I give my proposal. I’m going away
on business for a few days. When I return, you’ll give me your
answer.”

For the longest time, we
were both silent. I suspected I’m the only one uncomfortable with
this. After another sip of my wine, I asked, “Why me?” Eyes cast
down; I watched his finger stroke back and forth on my wrist,
mostly to keep from looking up at him and seeing what he must think
of my question.

“
Oh, Aubrey, sweet
girl,” I felt his smile, unwilling to look up and see for myself
the look he held. “I’ve watched your gentle spirit for months now.
I’ve noticed the books you keep stacked behind the counter – most
likely to read on your breaks – and I’ve listened to you speak to
the people who come by. They may be ordering coffee but you give
them each a piece of you. Your words, your kindness, your heart and
your intelligence have all captured my attention.” His pause was
longer this time. I thought he was done speaking when he drew my
hand to his lips and kissed my wrist. “Then I see this other side
you think is locked away. It’s a sadness, a wayward little girl who
needs guidance. I can give you that structure.”

William shocked me by how
well he’d seen through my walls. I’d worked years to hide behind
them and, until now, no one had dared to go around them. How did he
see me so clearly?

“Aubrey,” William caught my
attention by calling my name. “I believe you’ll fit into my world
perfectly.”

“
And your world is
this dominance and submission?”

“
That, yes, is the
most important but there are other parts of my life as
well.”

“So we will date?” I asked,
feeling both equally uncertain and awkward.

“Yes. We will date.” He
paused, smiled, and continued, “And explore. We will explore a
relationship.”

“A relationship,” I repeated
his word – this simple word that I could not fathom the meaning of.
“Meaning dominance and submission?”

“No, sweet Aubrey,” he
chuckled and shook his head, “meaning William and Aubrey.” His
words stopped any further questions I might’ve had. Instead, I
returned my gaze to my hands which were now squarely in my lap.

*****

Drawn from my thoughts by
the movement at the coffee shop door, I saw him. William. His eyes
surveyed the small shop and then rested on me, a smile lightening
his face and causing those strong creases around his eyes to
deepen. I wondered about his age. There was more character in his
face than I detected in the men my age. I thought maybe he was a
lot older than I was but I didn’t know for certain then. He hadn’t
told me and I hadn’t asked. I hadn’t asked much of him.

William was a vision
to behold and I sat a bit straighter knowing he was there for me.
He walked with purpose, confidence radiating from him like beams of
the sun that caused you to shield your eyes and look away. Still,
you crave the touch of the sun’s warmth. He’s like that. I sensed I
should turn away but was drawn to him at the same time.

I was caught by him. I was
absolutely, unintentionally ensnared. Held by the look in his cocoa
brown eyes when he spoke, commanding me. I shivered at his words as
if they were touches sliding down my spine. His commands –even the
simplest instructions over dinner- invoked a fear in me that served
only to feed my need for him, my desire. I wanted to sink myself
into him. I wanted my life to become his even though I knew
–there’s a part of me that truly recognized–wanting such a deep
claiming was maybe somehow wrong, I could no more help my desire
than I could resist taking my next breath. It was him. He created
this desire within me and I wanted nothing more than to allow him
to lead me, to guide me, to dominate me. I craved his power over me
so purely that I only needed to follow.

I’m not the only person in
the small coffee shop that looked up and noticed him when he
entered and that little tinkling bell rang over his head. He was
jaw dropping handsome. The black shirt he wore stretched across his
broad shoulders and was tucked neatly into a pair of black
trousers. William dressed this way every time I’d seen him. His
attire reflected his ever-demanding role as the businessman I knew
him to be though I didn’t know yet what business exactly. Another
question I’d failed to ask.

The dark curls that fell
onto his nape and down his forehead were slightly wet. I noticed
the gym bag hanging from his shoulder and couldn’t help but
consider just a few short minutes ago, this magnificent man was
naked, wet in a shower rinsing the sweat from his body. I also
couldn’t help but wish I’d been with him to clean him, running my
hands down his chest, lathering soap and stroking him. It seemed
all I ever wanted, especially since our dinner, was to be with him.
Even before I ever was, even just when I was watching him, I would
dream of him. Yet my unlearned body doesn’t quite comprehend what
being with him would feel like.

“Aubrey” His voice was deep,
husky and warm. The word alone kicked up my heart rate. Then he
took my hand from the table, raised it towards his lips, turned my
palm over and kissed my wrist. The touch of his warm skin on my
pulse point made me jump. His eyes were fastened to mine, though
slightly hooded as I remembered from our date a few days ago, a few
days that seemed so long ago now.

William’s hand on my thigh
brought me out of my thoughts of him naked and back to the coffee
shop. He sat down in the chair beside mine – not across from me but
so close beside me our thighs touched from top to bottom. He still
hadn’t let go of my hand and I could feel his warmth like a
blanket. I wanted to snuggle into him. No, I wanted to crawl on top
of him, become closer to him than I’d ever imagined wanting to be
with a man.

I smiled over at William but
kept my eyes cast down. He made me jittery, nervous like I’m
seventeen again living under my father’s roof. Though William had
never told me I was ugly, fat, or stupid, the same tension that
built up when I was near my father reared its ugly head when I was
with William. No, I considered for a moment, not that same tension
exactly because I wasn’t so afraid I wanted to run. Instead, I was
excited by the tension, so overwhelmed by William’s very presence.
He’d told me I was beautiful, bright, and sexy so I knew it wasn’t
the same.

I told myself my desire to
please was different this time. I was already pleasing William. He
told me as much and I believed him. He hadn’t yet lied to me –
perhaps he’d be the first to stay true to me, not to hurt me in the
way others had. He’s not my father. I reminded myself of that
often, repeating the thought in my mind so that I’d remember. I
wanted to move on.