Hold On (38 page)

He looks down for a minute and when he looks up his eyes are blazing.

“Well, I lied! How’s that? I don’t fucking understand how you can sit there in front
of me and pretend like we aren’t supposed to be together, because we are and you know
it. This whole thing is such bullshit! You’re scared and that I get, because I am
too. But this, you and I being apart, is wrong.”

He scoots a little closer to me and I can feel the raw emotions radiating off him.

“Do you think this is easy for me, Julian? Do you think I’m happy? Look at me.” I
raise my voice. “I’m fucking miserable. I’m thinking of moving across the state so
everything thing I see, hear, touch, and taste doesn’t remind me of you.”

He slides even closer and I can’t back away. “Stop running, Lexie. You’ve been running
since I met you. You don’t have to, baby. I’m your home.” I barely hear his words.
Everything inside of me wants him. I want him to touch me. I want to tell him I can
do this. I want to be the kind of woman who’s strong enough to handle this, but, I’m
not. I stand up. He stands up too and doesn’t move away.

“Please don’t do this. I can’t walk away again but if I stay I’ll end up worse off.
You’ll end up hating me when you see me turn into someone who is constantly resentful
and petty. I’ll be jealous and immature and unhappy. I’ll make you choose when you
don’t want to or can’t. Pretty soon you won’t even remember who you fell in love with
and it’ll end anyway. You need to trust me on this. I’ve been as honest as I possibly
can be with you.”

I’m trying so hard not to cry but I can’t hold the tears back anymore and they start
to flow.

He sees my tears and takes me in his arms. It’s the first time he has touched me in
weeks and, against my will, I melt into his embrace. He’s right about something, he
does feel like home. I inhale his scent, feel his heartbeat, and wonder how I’m going
to live without this man. Julian rests his chin on my head and whispers, “Can’t we
try to do this? Please. You didn’t give it a chance. It may not be easy but we’re
strong together. I can’t be without you. Everything is wrong without you. It’s so
fucking wrong.”

I don’t know how I do it, but I pull away, look at him and force the words out of
my mouth.

“My God, I love you, Julian Bauer. But, I can’t. I don’t want that life, a life where
I have to try to be happy. I’m tired of trying. I’ve been trying to be happy for so
long now and I don’t have any fight left in me. I told you, when we met, I was broken.
You didn’t believe it and for a while you convinced me it wasn’t true, but it’s true.
I’m broken and I can’t do this anymore.” I step back and look at him with tears streaming
down my face. “I’m sorry. I’m not who you think I am, Julian. I wish I was that girl.
I wish I really was the girl you’re in love with. That girl is strong and so incredibly
lucky. She’s also a fantasy. You deserve better than what I can give you.” I lean
in and place a soft kiss on his cheek. “Now please go and don’t look back. This really
is over.”

I turn and walk into the house. I don’t look at him and I don’t wait for him to say
anything. I can’t be near him. It’s devastating. He doesn’t try and follow me and
I’m truly thankful. I go into my room and lie down on my bed and let the anguish take
over my body. I think about Julian and how I keep disappointing and hurting him. I
think about what he would do and how he would feel if he knew I slept with Luke. That
makes me think about how I hurt Luke. I think about how my inability to deal with
what happened with Brady contributed to him dying. I think about how I could agree
to be with Julian only to watch him fall in love with his baby and a life that I’ll
never really feel a part of. I think about how I ruin everything I touch. I think
about how I’m not enough. I think until I can’t think anymore. I’m grateful when my
mind finally has enough and just kind of shuts down and I’m able to lie in the dark
and silence and be numb.

When Marissa comes home a few hours later she comes into my room and checks on me.
I pretend to be asleep. I want to talk to her about this but the words won’t come
out. This self-loathing I’m feeling has grabbed onto me so tightly I can’t break its
hold. This is bad, very bad.

I get up really early Monday morning and leave before I see Marissa. I leave her a
note in hopes she will not call looking for details.

M – All good. Julian was still upset from the other day and wanted to talk to me about
being friends. I explained why I didn’t think that was possible. He wasn’t happy.
It was rough and I was tired after the drive so I went to sleep. See you after work.
– A

She isn’t going to buy any of that but I hope it’ll get her off my case for a little
while.

I get into work before anyone else does. I turn my laptop on and go get some coffee
while it’s starting up. I didn’t check my work emails while I was in Tampa and I see
I have six new emails in my box. I hope none of my clients were trying to get ahold
of me. I take a sip of my coffee and click on my mail icon. The email on the top is
from Julian at four this morning. I’m sure he sent it here so I’d see it. I stare
at it for a while without opening it. I open and read the other emails and am happy
to see I didn’t miss anything urgent. When I get done checking the other emails, I
open the one from Julian. I can’t help myself. Talk about a bad idea.

To: Alexa Reed—AReed@W&Minvestmentgroup.com

From: Julian Bauer—[email protected]

Subj: Say Something, please

Alexa, no matter what I say you don’t hear me. I know who I’m in love with and I know
with everything inside of me that you’re making the biggest mistake of your life by
giving up on me, on us. Right now I hate you for that. I’ve never given up on you
and no matter how many times you pushed me away, I stayed and I held on. That’s the
worst part, that you wouldn’t do that for me. I guess it shows me how you really feel
about me. I won’t beg you to be with me anymore. It’s not who I am. So unless you
say something, I’m done.

Say something, I’m giving up on you
I’ll be the one, if you want me to
Anywhere, I would’ve followed you
Say something, I’m giving up on you

Say Something—A Great Big World

Julian

I can hear his voice in my head when I read the words and it makes me sick to my stomach.
He used the word hate. He hates me for what I’ve done. Well, at least we’re agreeing
on something now. I hate myself too. I close out of the email and move it to a miscellaneous
folder. I can’t seem to press the delete button. I don’t answer and figure my silence
will say what needs to be said.

I don’t really remember the rest of the day. I just go through the motions and smile
when I need to and say all the right things to clients and people I work with. I’m
thankful when the day ends and I can stop pretending to be okay.

On the way home from work, I call and leave a message for Ellen. I know she won’t
answer and I’m so much braver when I get her voicemail.

“Hi Ellen, it’s Alexa. Sorry for the last minute notice but I need to cancel our sessions
for the next few weeks. Work is really busy and I’ve been having a hard time getting
there by six-thirty. If you want to give my time to someone else, that’s fine. Um,
okay. Thank you.”

As I’m pulling into my driveway my phone rings, and I recognize Ellen’s office number.
I hit decline and send it to voicemail. I do the same thing each time she calls over
the next few days. I don’t even listen to the messages. I know what they say and I
don’t want to hear it.

The rest of my week passes by in a blur. I go to work early and I come home late.
I try to avoid my roommates. I put all of my energy into keeping it together at work
and by the end of the day I’m exhausted from the effort. Everything seems so much
harder to deal with these days than it did even after Brady died. When I put some
thought into why that is I come up with the only explanation that makes sense. I’m
alone this time. Before I had Luke, Ellen, Marissa, and Shannon helping me through
the issues they knew about. I’ve made a decision to shut everyone out and right now
it’s costing me but in the long run I think it’ll be easier. At least that’s what
I tell myself to justify my actions.

On Friday I get a call from Dominick, the Regional Manager in Tampa. He tells me he’s
spoken to both Mark and Andrea and they’ve agreed to a transfer. He also tells me
he needs me to be back in Tampa ready to work in two weeks if I want the job. They’re
getting ready to open the new property and he’d like me to start from the beginning.
He promises to email over the compensation package and offer letter and would like
me to think about it and let him know if I accept on Monday. After I say goodbye and
hang up the phone it hits me like a ton of bricks how real this all just became. I’m
moving.

The email I get from Dominick outlines the job offer. The job description is pretty
much the same as it is here, but Andrea was right, the compensation is nowhere near
as good. I take out my calculator and add up the numbers of the commissions I’ve made
over the last few weeks. My next check is going to be huge and it’ll make up for the
shortfall from moving. I think I’ll be able to make at least the same money I was
making at The Towers and I convince myself I’m fine with that.

When I get home tonight, Marissa’s waiting in the kitchen. I was hoping she’d be out
but no such luck. She has a bottle of wine on the table with two glasses. I smile
and say hi when I walk in and try to head straight to my room.

“Can you please come here?”

Her voice is calm but I hear the frustration boiling underneath. I’m surprised it
took a whole week for her to call me out.

I put my purse down and go sit with her. I’m going to have to tell her I’m moving
and there’s no time like the present. “What’s up, Mari?”

“You tell me. You’ve done a great job going dark this week.”

I pour myself a glass of wine and take a sip. “I’ve been really busy at work and I’m
tired when I get home. I haven’t been sleeping well.”

She cuts to the chase. “What happened with Julian? You came off the rails after Sunday.
I’ve tried to give you space but this is getting ridiculous.”

I shrug and try to sound believable. “I told you what happened. And I didn’t come
off the rails.”

“Whatever, you’re totally lying, and it’s bullshit, but if you don’t want to tell
me I guess I can’t force you.”

“I’m not sure what I did to deserve you talking to me like this, Mari. I didn’t do
anything to you and to be honest, I don’t need this. I’ve got enough on my plate without
worrying about how you feel about my attitude and my life.” My words come out a little
harsher than I want and I see the hurt on her face.

“You know what, Lex, you need to get your shit together because I’m sick of this.
I don’t even recognize you anymore.”

“That makes two of us, Marissa.” I don’t feel like pretending she’s wrong.

“Then do something about it.”

“Oh really. Like what?”

“Find a way to make it work with Julian. I’ve tried to be supportive and say and do
all the right things, but I can’t sit here and agree with you on this anymore. You’re
making a huge mistake. That man loves you, I mean really loves you, and you’re so
intent on ruining your own life you can’t see it.”

“You know what, Mari. You’ve been great friend. Maybe better than I deserve. But you
have no idea what I’ve been through and what it feels like to be me. It sucks.”

“You’re right, I have no idea what you’ve been through. Remember I just found out
about your life recently.” I hear the hurt cut through the sarcasm. “But what I do
know is what it feels like to watch your best friend disappear. That fucking sucks.
I don’t think I can do it much longer.”

It’s absolutely not the right way to tell her I’m moving but I say it anyway.

“Well, you won’t have to for much longer. I’m accepting a job offer in Tampa and they
want me there in two weeks.”

The look on her face kind of freaks me out. She’s stunned. “What the fuck are you
talking about? You accepted a job offer?” She shakes her head incredulously. “When
did you start looking for a new job?” She’s pissed and I guess I don’t blame her.
I’d be mad if she was doing this to me.

“Last week, after what happened with Luke, and after I ran into Julian. I don’t want
to be surrounded by them or their memories. I need a fresh start. Can’t you understand
that, Mari?”

She’s quiet for moment and when she finally responds her tone is sad. “You’re so selfish,
Lexie. You just make these decisions without even discussing it with anybody. Did
it ever occur to you what it would do to your family if you move?”

“My family is fine with it. Jill is excited and my parents think a change might do
me good.”

She shakes her head slowly and her eyes tear up. “I meant me, Shannon, Jenna, and
Lauren. We’re your family too. But clearly you don’t see things the same way.”

“You know how much I care about all of you. But how do you think it makes me feel
to watch you all go on with your lives when I don’t want to get out of bed sometimes.
You and Shannon are happy, and have bright futures. And I’m thrilled for you. I really
am. But when Kevin comes home your whole life will change and it won’t be a big deal
I’m not around.”

“Seriously? Now you’re going to insult me? When have I ever let a guy come between
our friendship? We don’t do that, remember?”

I try and say something that might calm her down. “It’s not like I’m moving to Paris.”

“You might as well be. I can’t get you to talk to me when we live in the same house.
You’ll move and I’ll never hear from you. And don’t even deny it, because you know
it’s true.”

I sit there and look at my hands. I won’t deny it because it’s probably true.

“So, Julian found out about it and freaked out, huh? That’s why he was here. Did you
tell him?”