Hold On (34 page)

There’s no way to describe how much his words touch and break my heart. Luke is always
the tough guy and over the years I’ve only seen him show vulnerability when it was
in regards to Brady. I can’t imagine it’s easy for him to put himself out there like
this.

“Well, things changed for me last night. I never would’ve thought I’d wake up and
want this to happen. I know that sounds awful, but I didn’t know what would happen
if we slept together. Making love with you, to use your words, sharpened everything
for me. Please give this a chance.”

“It means a lot to hear you say these things to me, and I believe you think you mean
them, but you wouldn’t be saying them unless you were scared. I know. I’ve done some
pretty desperate things when I thought I was losing you.”

I’m begging and he’s resolute. It’s making me feel horrible. I deserve this. I did
this. Luke chose me and I chose Julian. I chose wrong and now I’m paying for it. I
start to feel angry as my defense mechanisms kick in. Even in my warped, emotional
state I see the parallels with Julian and I and Luke and I. Julian begged me to stay
and make a different choice just like I’m doing to Luke. I’m saying words to Luke
that Julian said to me. It’s all so twisted. I’m so messed up.

“You must be enjoying this. I’m begging you to be with me and you get to make me feel
like I made you feel a few months ago.”

Luke stays calm even though I’m trying to antagonize him. I’m trying to make him react.

“Don’t do that. This isn’t me seeking revenge and you know that. I’m sitting here
doing the hardest thing I’ve had to do since we buried Brady. This isn’t what I want.”

I get out from under my blanket and move to the end of the bed, next to Luke. I grab
his hand and he doesn’t pull away. “Then don’t choose this. You’re choosing this.
You said you want me and that you love me and I’m right here, telling you I want to
try. So don’t say you don’t have any choices here. You do have a choice. Choose this,
Luke. Choose to try.”

I lean into Luke and place my lips on his. I wrap my hand around his neck pull him
to me. He hesitates for a split second, but after a moment he responds to my kiss
by slipping his tongue into my mouth and kissing me back with pure passion. I get
lost in the kiss and in the hopes that my touch can do something my words haven’t
been able to. It’s a pretty desperate and selfish move but Luke is a guy and I’m counting
on being able to reach him on a physical level. I’m running out of options. Judging
by the intensity in which Luke is now kissing me and holding me, my plan seems to
be working. He shifts his weight forward until I’m lying beneath him on the bed. I
scoot backwards so we can really lie down and he follows my lead. I match his intensity
and pour everything I’m feeling into this kiss and this moment. I don’t have any thoughts
of Julian, only Luke.

The change is subtle but I catch it quickly. The passion that initially fueled these
kisses slowly starts to turn to desperation. The kiss changes from the beginning of
a passionate encounter to a goodbye. I literally cling to Luke as I feel him pulling
away, both with his body and his heart. He props himself up on one elbow and looks
down at me. A lone tear escapes my left eye and rolls slowly down my cheek.

“I need you to do something for me, Lex. No matter how hard it is or how much you
want to lie, I want you to answer a question for me honestly. Can you do that for
me?”

I look up at him, my best friend for seven years, and reluctantly nod my head. I know
he’s about to force me to admit something out loud that I haven’t yet said. I don’t
want to say anything that will hurt him or irrevocably change our relationship, but
I won’t be a liar. I’m a lot of things, but I’m not that.

“If Julian were to walk in here right now, and tell you there was no baby and that
the whole thing was a misunderstanding and that you guys could be together again.
If he came and put that ring back on your finger, and asked you to be his forever,
what would you do? Who would you choose then?”

Oh my God. I’m right. He wants me to choose. My voice breaks as I answer. “That’s
not a real question. It’s not going to happen. Let’s deal with real life, not some
fairy tale.”

Luke takes a deep breath and sits up. Then he gets off the bed. I sit up quickly as
well. “Thank you for being honest with me. It’ll help me remember why I’m walking
away.”

I stand up next to him. “I didn’t answer the question. I can’t.”

He looks at me with tenderness in his eyes.

“You did answer it. You may not have meant to, but you did.”

I look at him with real confusion in my eyes. I don’t get what he thinks he heard.

“You just told me that Julian coming back into your life, with all of the baby stuff
gone, and a proposal was a fairy tale. It’s your fairy tale, Lex. It’s your dream
of a happily ever after. It’s what you admitted in your sleep last night and what
you unwittingly admitted to me just now. I can’t compete with that. You’re right.
This is real life and in this real life our stories end differently. It fucking sucks,
but it’s true and you know it. I’m not your prince. I want to be, but I’m not. And
I’m sorry, because you may not get your happily ever after, and as twisted as it sounds,
I want that for you. I love you that much and I hate to see your heart breaking again.
You don’t deserve all of this pain. You don’t. But, I can’t fix it for you. I’ve tried
and it didn’t work. I can’t spend forever not being enough. I don’t deserve that either.”

The pain that pierces my heart when he says all of these words, all of these truths,
is unbearable and I have to sit on the bed to keep myself from crumbling to the ground.
The magnitude of this loss instantly grips my heart, and I don’t know if I can survive
it. Even though Luke was out of my life for a few months, it never seemed permanent
or real. Deep down I always thought someday we’d be able to be close again. I see
now I was horribly wrong. There’s nothing I can say to fix this or make this better.
He knows me better than I know myself and isn’t allowing me to avoid the truth. I
want Julian. I’m in love with Julian and even though I love Luke and truly think we
could make each other happy, he isn’t Julian. He does deserve better.

I look at him through my tears and say the only thing I can think of. “I’m so incredibly
sorry, for both of us. I hate that you’re right, because it means I lose you, but
you’re right. You don’t deserve to be anybody’s second choice.”

The sobs start to rack my body as the thought of Luke walking out of my life forever
is about to become a reality. I look at him and see he’s crying as well. He reaches
out to me in what I assume is an effort to comfort me. He has held me and let me cry
in his arms many times. He was my rock when Brady died and in the weeks and months
after. He wants to be that person now, but I don’t let him. I can’t. I step away and
wrap my arms around myself.

“Please go. I can’t do this. I can’t say goodbye to you again. You need to leave.
You should’ve just left last night when you decided you couldn’t be with me.” I get
up and walk into the bathroom and lock the door behind me. I slide down the door onto
the floor and press my cheek against the cool, white tile floor. The sobs I’ve been
trying to control start ripping through my body in surges. I just lie there and let
them.

Luke doesn’t knock on the door and I have no idea if he stayed and for how long. I’m
not sure how long I lay on the floor but I don’t move until I hear Marissa’s voice
on the other side of the door.

“Lex, open the door.” She uses her “I’m not messing around” voice.

I move away from the door and unlock it. She walks in, takes one look at me and drops
to the ground to give me a hug.

“I saw Luke on his way out. I saw his car here this morning and wasn’t sure what was
going on. He was in tears and asked me to take care of you. What happened?”

I pull my knees up to my chest and wipe my face on the towel hanging on the shower.
“What always happens. I make bad decisions and fuck everything up. I can’t go through
this again. Every time I give my heart to someone I get it handed back to me in a
million little pieces. I’m not sure what I did to deserve this but it must’ve been
really bad.”

“Do you want to tell me what happened with Luke?”

Marissa listens to me as I tell her about our night. I tell her everything starting
from Julian asking Luke to check-up on me to when Luke walked out the door. I skip
some of the intimate details of the night, but for the most part she knows the whole
story. If I’ve learned anything over the last few months it’s that keeping secrets
and holding stuff in usually hurts me more than anyone else.

“I’m so sorry. I’m not surprised though. I think this was always meant to happen.
You guys hooking up, I mean. Until you met Julian, I always thought you two would
end up together too. I’m so sorry it played out like this. You don’t deserve to be
hurt so badly. I don’t think Luke wanted this.”

Through my sniffling I agree. “He wasn’t trying to hurt me. He was trying to be mature.”
I chuckle a little. “Of all the times for Luke to act mature and responsible with
a girl.”

Marissa offers me a small smile. “What are you going to do now?”

I shrug. “Whatever I can to get through this I guess. I’m not sure what that is though.
I’ve lost Brady, Julian, and Luke in the last year and a half. I don’t think I can
deal with anything else. I really don’t.” I’m not being dramatic when I say this to
Marissa either. I was hanging on by a few threads before last night. Now the one thread
I’m clinging to is fraying rapidly.

Marissa stands up and I notice she’s holding a folded piece of paper in her hand.

“Luke gave this to me to give to you. I didn’t read it and have no idea what it says.
I’m not sure you should read it now though.”

I take it from her hand and set it down on the floor next to me. I’m not sure I want
to read it.

“What time is it?”

Marissa looks at her watch. “Nine-thirty. I’ve got to get going. I was working a little
from home today but I have some appointments this afternoon. Are you going in?”

“Yes. I have an appointment at one that I can’t miss. I’m pretty sure this guy is
going to write a contract today on a really expensive unit. He’s looked at it five
times and he insisted on meeting me again today. I was excited about it. It’s a huge
sale with a big ass commission, my biggest ever, actually.”

“Well then you need to get your ass in the shower and pull it together. You can come
home and cry more later.” She grabs the paper next to me and puts it in her pocket.
“I’m going to save this for later tonight, or never. I won’t read it, I promise. But
you look like you’ve been crying for months. We can deal with this later. K?”

“Fine by me. Thanks, Mari … again.”

“I love ya, Lex. I’ll be home by six. I’ll pick up Chinese and we can sit and discuss
this more. Go close that deal.”

She reaches down and pulls me up. She gives me a hug and walks out. I think about
her words as I wait for the water to warm up. She’s right. I need to focus and get
this deal done today. I take a shower and try to rinse away all of the hurt and sadness
I’m feeling. It doesn’t help but at least I look a little better when I get out. I
blow-dry my hair, do my best to camouflage my swollen eyes with too much eye makeup,
and head into my closet to find an outfit to brighten my spirits. I feel like I’m
in mourning and I keep gravitating toward clothes that are black. I can’t bring myself
to put on anything bright so I settle on a blue, black, and beige damask printed,
cap sleeve, sheath dress with a geometric pattern. I dig through my shoe boxes and
find my beige, snakeskin Rachel Roy pumps with a pointed toe and leather trim stiletto
heels. I’ve only worn these one other time and forgot how much I loved them. My mood
is brightened momentarily by my beautiful shoes. How pathetic is that? So unlucky
in matters of the heart but so blessed in the shoe department. At least I make myself
smile a little. Considering I was in a ball on the floor an hour ago I’m doing remarkably
well. I recall Marissa’s pep talk and pull myself together. I grab some coffee on
the way out the door and head to work.

There isn’t any traffic at this time of the morning so I get to The Promenade in great
time. I slip into my office and nobody seems to notice I’m running so late. I turn
my computer on, pull out my client’s folder and start reviewing everything we’ve discussed.
I feel confident we’ve found the perfect unit for him and that I’ll make the sale
today. It’ll be my fourth sale and it’s only the middle of the month. I’m on target
to make more money this month than any two months combined and I keep reminding myself
of what I good job I’m doing at work.

Despite the fact that I am fighting back tears most of the day, I’m able to separate
my personal life from my professional one. Nobody seems to be able to see thorough
the mask that is hiding the pain I’m feeling and I’m proud of that. I need to stay
focused and keep moving forward. When my client comes in we run through the unit one
more time and I work hard to erase any lingering doubts he has that this is the right
move for him. My powers of persuasion didn’t work on Luke this morning, but they do
here and by three-thirty he’s given me a deposit and all of the information I need
to get the contract drawn up.

I needed this, especially today, when I feel like my life is careening towards darkness
again. The sale helps bolster my mood and I manage to get through the rest of the
day without breaking down. All in all, I consider it a huge success.

Marissa has left the note from Luke on my bed and it’s calling to me when I walk in
my room. I get myself a glass of wine first and sit down to read what he wrote. I
open the paper slowly and see Luke’s familiar writing. My heart is racing and I feel
sick. I’m not sure I can read it, but I’m not sure that I can’t. I take a sip of my
wine and blink away the tears that are already forming.