Holding Her Close (Bits and Bytes, Book 0) (Bits & Bytes) (11 page)

Zach snubbed another smoke out in his ashtray. His car coasted to a stop on the freeway off-ramp. He leaned his head against the headrest, half paying attention to the red light and waiting for it to change. How had things gotten so messy? Obviously the stuff with DM and Kelly was the start, but it felt like it had all gone downhill since then.

About the time Rae showed up on his doorstep. Not that he could blame her for the insider trading
or shitty DM management. He put the car into gear when the light changed and let his thoughts drift as he followed the road. But Scott’s stubbornness, that had to be all her. Even though he’d always been like that. She was trying to drive a wedge between them.

He changed lanes and turned at
empty intersections, enjoying the path of least resistance option for going nowhere. She had even used Scott to back him into a confrontation in order to be heard.

Zach ignored the nagging voice whispering he would have done the same, and had on several occasions
, to get his own way. There wasn't a comparison. What Rae was talking about was financial suicide. At least Kelly had had investment capital.

Once again he shoved the thought aside. The last thing he needed was to spiral into a sea of
how everything having to do with Kelly was a bad idea. That always led to regret, and comparisons with Rae, and then the fantasies.

He licked his lips, suddenly realizing how dry his mouth was. He popped the glove compartment open. Damn. No gum. He pulled his car into the first parking lot he came to. The shopping center looked almost deserted. A single shop
was open, tucked away between two abandoned store fronts.

Recognition whispered through him and he realized he knew this strip mall. He had spent a lot of time there
in high school. With Rae. There was no way it was the same place. There had never been any customers back then. The sign was the same, but it had probably just been cheaper to keep it when ownership changed.

Part of him didn't like the idea of stepping back into that memory, but he was thirsty and pride refused to let anything to do with her drive his decisions. Besides, once he
stepped through the front door he could close that part of his past. He could live that moment without her around and move on. With any luck they still served things besides coffee.

A bell on the handle jangled when he pushed into the shop. It took his eyes a moment to adjust to the dim lighting.

“Evening,” a cheerful voice called from the counter. “What can I get you tonight?”

He wasn't looking at the coffee shop employee. His gaze had bee
n drawn to the back of the room and a familiar booth. No.

Rae stared back, cheeks puffy. She blinked, brown eyes a melancholy compliment to the red rimming them.

Zach needed to leave. This wasn't going to give him the closure he wanted.

“
Do you need a minute?” the barista asked.

“
He’ll have an Italian soda with cherry.” Rae's voice was clear and empty in the otherwise deserted room. She stayed seated, but never looked away from Zach.

“
Half and half?” the barista asked.

Rae shook her head.
“No. The cream makes the cherry taste funny.”

Zach wasn't sure what compelled him forward, but he found himself sliding into the seat across from her. The joke tickled something in his memory. Something he didn't want to enjoy. He'd always teased her about it when they were dating. He'd loved to see her blush when he made the comment about the cream and the cherry and winked at her.

It didn't matter. That had been more than ten years ago. So much had changed since then.

The barista set the drink in front of him.

Zach pulled a five from his wallet and handed it over. “Keep the change.”

“
Thanks, man.”

Zach didn't touch the drink. Thirsty didn't seem important
anymore. His mind was moving so quickly he couldn't grasp anything. He wasn't used to being at a loss for words.

“
Let's try this again.” Rae finally broke the silence. “Why are you so dead set against my idea?”

“
It’s no—”

She held up her hand.
“No, that's how the conversation went last time. That won't work. How about this? I'm sorry.”

Zach fumbled for a response. She sounded sincere. The sorrow in her eyes agreed.
“For?”

A corner of her mouth pulled up and her cheek dimpled for a moment before the half smile vanished again.
“For what happened back then. At the lake. It was my fault.”

Yeah, the lake. That's where it had all fallen apart during their junior year of high school. He'd found out later she'd been using diet pills to stave off her appetite and keep her awake during class and work, and when they kept her awake too long, she'd popped sleep aids.

The non-stop combination had loaded her down with a mixture of exhaustion and dehydration. He hadn’t known any of that then. All he'd known at the time was she was screaming at him because he wouldn't sleep with her, and had made sure everyone knew after the fact — including Scott —he had been the one to leave her in the middle nowhere after they broke up.

She'd never bothered to tell people she was the one who refused to get in the car, or that she had been the one to dump him. She had refused to talk to him after she'd gotten out of the hospital. There had never been a chance to make things right.

And that time wasn't now, either. “It's too late to apologize.”

Her eyes narrowed.
“You’ve taken every opportunity you could find to point out it was my fault. I’m conceding, honestly and sincerely, that yes I was in the wrong.”

Of course. She'd been fed her lines. His lips pursed and he paused before answering, trying to keep the hurt and anger from his voice.
“Exactly. I tell you what to say and you say it. It lacks sincerity.”

She slapped her hands on the table. A splash of coffee leaped from her cup and dove into the scarred wood.
“So what? I can't ever make amends? You're going to cling to something that happened when I was a different person out of what? Spite? I kind of figured the whole ‘sleep with me for closure’ thing was just a way to get laid, but I expected you to pretend it had worked at least for a little while.”

Zach slid into a counter argument without thought. This was easy. This he could do.
“Nothing you've done in the last few weeks has convinced me this time around will be any different.”

“
Oh my God.” Rae pushed her drink aside and leaned forward. “That was more than ten years ago.”

He seized the opportunity for circular argument. She'd always hated that.
“But it still haunts you enough to apologize for it.”

She smiled again, but there were no dimples. Anger danced in her eyes.
“No, that trick doesn't work. Not coming from you. You tell me all you want is an apology, and I give it to you, but you won't accept it because you told me to do it. But if I don’t give it to you, I’m being immature. You say you want to forgive and forget, and I agree, but you don't mean it.”

“
I never said anything about forgiving or forgetting.” Zach could do this all night. Debate was his forte. Rae had never been able to hold up long enough. She wasn't stubborn enough.

“
Right. Because of spite.”

He returned her wicked expression, making sure he looked smug.
“Maybe
you've
already forgotten.”

“
Already?” She gave a short, bark of a laugh. “No. I remember it distinctly. How absolutely infatuated I was with the attractive guy who could make a deal with anyone. I even remember sitting through lunchtimes of ridicule about my weight from one of your very attractive — and female —friends.”

Zach cringed at the reminder of Kelly and her behavior back then, but he forced his expression back to impassive, not responding.

“I was insecure, whether or not I needed to be, and I’m terrified I’m going to lose my perfect guy.”

He caught
the slip in tense, but didn't know if she was doing it on purpose. He wasn’t going to call her on it. He was making a different point. “So you get to be the martyr in this story?”

She clenched her hands into fists, resting them on the edge of the table.
“I'm not trying to change your mind. Just making sure we're both on the same page.”

“
So you remember standing in the middle of the dock parking lot throwing a tantrum.” He made sure the words hurt. He wanted to dig the knife in deeper. “Because I wouldn't screw you.”

“
Because I was terrified you had realized I wasn't good enough for you.” Her voice cracked and she bit her bottom lip.

“
And now you're back to make sure I suffer again? To take my best friend away from me?” He winced at the way it was phrased. This was supposed to be about her. It was too late to take it back now.

“
Do you hear anything I'm saying?” She slid down in her seat, fists loosening. Crescent-shaped creases marred her palms where she'd dug her fingernails in. “No, of course you don't. You only hear what you want me to be saying.”

“
Fine.” He wanted to argue, but his anger was vanishing. “You talk, I'll listen. No assumptions.”

“
I loved you back then.”

He swallowed as the unexpected words sank in. Something he would have traded everything to hear all those years ago. He didn't interrupt.

She didn't look at him. “And I didn't know how to act in a relationship. I'm not saying I'm an expert now, but I have a better idea of what not to do. I would have done anything to keep you.”

“
You broke up with me.” He wished the retort had come out with less emotion behind it.

She raised an eyebrow.
“Told you I didn't know what I was doing. You're going to tell me you acted perfectly?”

Something gnawed at his anger. He had never been fond of resignation.
“I'm not saying that.”

“
It's okay.” Her voice had dropped in volume. “I'm not placing blame.” She glared at him. “On you or me. I'm not looking for some sort of sick and twisted vengeance. It really is in the past for me. I don't like the memories, but they define me and they remind me not to be that person.”

Right.
Even if it were true she was still someone with an agenda, which was still dangerous to his future. “Scott wants you.”

Rae shook her head.
“Believe it or not, you’re reading him completely wrong. He just doesn’t want you to have me. He doesn’t realize you’re not interested.”

He was more than interested, and even
letting a hint of his brain accept it hurt more than he could dwell on. He wasn’t getting attached again. Especially not to her.

“
He's a good guy.” Great. Why the hell was he making a case for the two of them to be together? Oh, yeah. Because he couldn't stand to see Scott hurt. Except when he was the one dishing it out. The revelation throbbed in his head.

“
He's a fantastic guy, but I don't...” She trailed off, studying her fingernails. “Anyway. It doesn't matter. I'll go quietly this time. No screaming at you in the middle of a parking lot. No telling people how much you suck.”

“
No spending the next decade wondering what you did wrong?” He was tired of trying to hide what he was thinking. The confession could lay out there for all he cared. It was true, he had.

Her eyes shone when she looked at him.
“I can't promise that, Zach.”

She stood.

Something inside crumbled and his resolve broke. He couldn't let her walk out with the only solution they had because of spite. He couldn’t let her walk out, period. Scott was right; he needed to stop comparing her to Kelly. There was nothing similar about the two women except their intelligence. He was guilty of every single thing he held against her.

And having her around recently, hanging out, swapping stories, ideas, and gropes, had been amazing.

He grabbed her hand and pulled her back down on the bench next to him.

Her knee brushed his leg and she started at him, eyes wide.

This was business. The tug between them was pleasant, but if he was going to do this — if he was going to ask for her help — it couldn’t mean anything else. “Do you really think we can start over? The company?” He added quickly.

She nodded slowly.
“I'm not certain. I have to see both your finances. I promise I don't plan on anyone living off ramen, but there would be a significant shortage of five star steakhouses in your future.”

“
Do I get to keep my car?” He tried to sound light-hearted about it. The car was his pride and joy. He'd paid cash for it back before they'd really made it.

Rae smiled, dimples coming back.
“Possibly longer than you were planning on. No promises, but if you can follow a budget both professionally and personally, I can probably make it work.”