Holding Her in Madness (26 page)

He coughs and tries to shake his head no but my grasp in his hair is too tight.

“That’s real fucking good,” I say, slapping the right side of his face. “Now this is where I tell you what the fuck
YOU
are going to do to make up for the fact that you stole my life.”

When he tries to roll away, I pull his head up and slam it back against the marble floor. “I’m almost finished here, Nicky. Sit still. Listen up. I gotta leave town for a little while, and while I’m gone, it is
YOUR
job to make sure Lil is more than taken care of financially. You lay a finger on her, I’ll cut every one of yours off.” I stand up, brushing my hands off, and use my toe to nudge his head. “Still with me?” He nods. “‘Kay. ‘Cause this is the important part. The part where I tell you the good news. When I get back into town, I will immediately take what has fucking
ALWAYS
been mine, and when I do, Lil’s finances won’t be your problem anymore. See?” I slap his face before squeezing it in my hand. “I can be a good guy.”

“You stay the fuck away from Lillian. She doesn’t have shit to do with this!” Bloody spit sprays from his lips between every word.

My laughter bounces off the walls. I bring my face an inch from his to deliver my last blow. “That’s where you’re wrong, Nicky… This has everything to do with Lil. Your concern about juggling all the sluts you’ve been fucking and making sure your daddy’s dick stays polished has clouded your fucking vision. You haven’t looked in Lil’s direction for years.”

I stand to leave; when I get to the front door, I turn back and lock eyes with him. “You stupid motherfucker. I almost feel sorry for you for falling in love with the wrong man’s firecracker. Shit, I was willing to leave it alone and let you both continue in your wedded bliss. But you fucked up, Nicky… You stopped making my girl happy.”

I walk out the front door, leaving it wide open. From the front porch, I warn him, “I wouldn’t fuck up again, Nicky. You won’t like the consequences. I can fucking promise you that.”

It takes me a little longer than I thought it would to find a solid VP. It takes even longer to get this kid trained. Don’t get me wrong. He’s sharp as a tack. I just have a hard time teaching someone shit that just always came to me naturally. I swear I had more business savvy with just my GED than this kid does with his Master’s in business. You can’t teach common sense. You just fucking can’t.

Once Scott has all my contact numbers and I feel confident enough that he knows what the hell he’s doing, I catch a flight to NYC.

Annalise and Adam are doing great. I’m fucking proud as shit of ‘Lise. She struggled for a few months, but as soon as she found a trauma E.R. nurse position, she never needed my help again.

I was hoping that ‘Lise would have found someone by now. This leg in my tying-loose-ends trip was going to be hard enough on us already.

So on the ride to her apartment from the airport, when she tells she met someone and after they had dated for almost a year he moved into her apartment, I am relieved.

Shit, I am smiling like an idiot. Happy as hell for ‘Lise… Until she tells me the guy is Josh.

“The fuck? Josh? As in my Josh? Joshie? I’m just now hearing about this? ‘Lise, it’s been a fucking year!”

“Well, he moved up here a year and a half ago. You know that. You moved him up here, Leo.”

What the hell have I done? When he asked for the position in New York, I fucking thanked him. Oh, fuck! I fucking asked him to check in on ‘Lise! How the fuck did Josh’s dumb ass end up with a brilliant, smart woman like ‘Lise? Fuck, I fucking did this shit.

After smacking my head against the dash in front of me, I look over at her. “‘Lise, I’m so sorry. This is my fault, I told him to check in on you and Adam. I didn’t know he would take it this far.”

‘Lise sputters then laughs so hard she throws her head back. When her laughing fit settles down, she wipes tears from her eyes. “I’m sorry. But that was hilarious. Leo, I love Josh. I know you see him as your kid cousin, but that’s not all of who Josh is. He is a fantastic, sweet, caring, and
SMART
.” Her eyes narrow on mine. “You know he’s smart or you wouldn’t have given him one of your main braches to manage.”

Damn, she’s got me there. He is the only other person I truly trust with this business, but how much of that trust is based on him being family, not him being intelligent?

“He’s also the only person who stood beside me while I stood beside you during Lil, during your coma, after Lil…” She clears her throat and continues. “And Leo, he’s so damn great with Adam. He really, really is. Adam was in a bad place. He was okay while you were here, and for the year after that, he was okay. He thought you were coming back though. Honestly, so did I, and I didn’t have the heart to tell either of us that you weren’t.”

“Where the hell is Shelton?”

“Ha! Your guess is as good as mine. The last you and I saw him was the last time I saw him.” After a few minutes of silence, she says, “I’m almost twenty weeks pregnant.” She’s smiling so big that her teary eyes are squinting closed.

“‘Lise, babe, pull over right here. You’re smiling and crying so much you’re gonna drive us off the road, you crazy girl.”

She gets the car in park and turns in her seat to look at me. I follow suit and turn in mine too. Out of habit, I grab her hands on the console and lace our fingers together then look into her eyes and smile.

“So twenty weeks, huh?” ‘Lise nods. “I won’t snap his neck the second I walk into your apartment—”

“Oh for Christ’s sake, Leo.” She rolls her eyes and tries to pull her hands away, but I stop her.

“If!” I shout before laughing. “If you promise me he makes you happy, ‘Lise.”

She nods her head and tears flood into her eyes again. “He makes me very happy. I promise.”

“Motherfucker better.” I grin at her.

“And Lil? Did you catch your firecracker?” Her giggle makes me attempt a smile, but I can’t. Lil’s so fucking broken that I’m not sure that there is anything left to piece her back together, no matter how many pieces of myself I give her. “Oh God. Fuck, Leo, I knew she wasn’t happy when I saw her being discharged after the baby was born… But hell, none of us were.”

My eyes snap to ‘Lise’s. “What the fuck did you just say?”

Shaking her head, she responds, “No, it’s the only time I’ve seen her. You were seizing and the hospital staff kicked Josh and me out. We were outside smoking and I saw her come out of the hospital with her daughter.”

“You know what? It doesn’t fucking matter does it.” I nod towards the steering wheel. “You okay to drive?”

“What? No, it does fucking matter. What the fuck did you want me to do, Leo? Collect pictures of her so that we could flip through them every night?”

A tired sigh seeps from my chest. “No, ‘Lise. That’s not what I wanted you to do. And it doesn’t fucking matter anymore because she’s so fucked up from being so fucking miserable for so
FUCKING
long that I can’t even find a single semblance of the woman I… Of the girl I fell in love with and hung on to for twenty goddamn years!”

“Oh, and when the hell were we happy while she suffered in her own self-created misery? Huh?”

This entire part of the trip was disaster waiting to happen. This whole conversation and tying up of loose ends was doomed from kickoff.

“‘Lise, the day I asked you to marry me, I meant it. I didn’t ask you because you were knocked up. I asked you because I loved you and I truly thought you were the only one in this world for me. Lil was proposed to on the day she found out she was pregnant at seventeen. The day I married you… Annalise, I was happy as fuck the day I married you. The day Lil married Nick, she cried the entire day and her daddy had to drag her ass down the aisle. I was also happy as fuck being married to you for five years. Now…where your happiness lies in all of that completely depends on how much you allowed your guilt to overshadow your happiness.
BUT I DID MY DAMN JOB AT MAKING YOU HAPPY
! Tell me. Was it hard keeping the truth from me?”

“You tell me first. Did it hurt holding that shit in for all these years?” She peels out into traffic, heading towards the airport. “You know what? You’re right. It doesn’t fucking matter. I know just like you do that the answers to both of our questions are the same.” She glances over her shoulder at me with a smirk on her face. “We all lost here, Leo. Bottom line.”

She pulls up to JFK but neither of us moves or speaks more several minutes.

“Look, ‘Lise, I’m sorry. This isn’t the way… I didn’t mean… I didn’t come here to fight with you. I came to check on you and Adam, tell both of that I love you, and tell you that I’m fucking sorry for everything I put you through. I mostly came to tie up loose ends, ‘Lise. That’s all.”

Her hand brushes my check before sliding into my hair, and I look up at her. “Baby, any loose ends we had…we tied up years ago. And as for you being sorry, there’s nothing to be sorry for. Competitions aside, we both loved and we both hurt.” Her hand tightens in my hair. Bringing me in and hugging both arms tight around my neck, she whispers against my temple, “I know you love us. I’ve always known. But right now it’s time for you to make sure she knows that you love her.”

‘Lise pulls back to look me in the eyes. “Hey…” She smiles and nods towards the airport. “It’s time, Leo… Go get your Lil, and fucking hold on tight. You make goddamn sure she knows that you love her. If she’s been in Hell since she was seventeen, then you go bust your ass to drag her out of it.” She reaches over and opens the passenger door. “As nothing more than a person on the sidelines watching the Lil and Leo story unfold, even I know… You both need your fairytale ending.”

I grab ‘Lise’s face in my hands and bring our foreheads together before I brush my lips against hers. “Annalise, there’s no such thing as fairytale endings or happily ever afters. You know that.”

“I’ve learned that if you want something bad enough, you’ll get it.” ‘Lise softly kisses my lips and pulls away, looking up at me while she snaps her seatbelt on. “You’re the one who taught me that, Leo.” She looks at the airport sliding doors and nods. “Go… Go get your firecracker, Leo.”

I go…

I
HAUL
ass.

I go fucking hauling ass from New York to Louisiana.

Told you, motherfuckers. When I finally went after my girl, I wouldn’t possess a single fucking thread of restraint… Didn’t I?

So…by now, I’m sure you get the gist of how much of a fuck-up I am.

You also know I did just what I fucking said I would. I got my firecracker back.

It took me less than two weeks to get Lil to marry me.

And it only took me less than a day to fuck it all up. As I lie next to Lil watching her sleep, I can’t stop my fingers from tracing the red, bruising handprints laced around her neck. Something primal and instinctual snapped in me once we crossed the threshold of our suite.

I can barely even fucking explain it.

I was struck by this carnal need, this overwhelming feeling, to fuck all the pain and anger she’d made me feel for so long out of her. On some level, I was testing her as well as punishing her. I tested that, as my wife, she not only accepted her punishment, but liked it—no, loved it—as well.

I honestly couldn’t hate or despise myself any more than I do in this moment. Tears begin falling as I wrap Lil up in my arms. Fear creeps inside and settles in my chest as soon as the realization fully hits me. I hurt her—hell, I fucking choked her out—pounding into her from behind, shouting at her to tell me she liked it.

I whisper kisses along the bruises on her neck and shoulders my hands caused, my tears falling faster and faster.

It took me less than twenty-four hours to fuck up the most sacred thing in my existence.

Lil stirs awake, and almost instantly her hands cup my face, her eyes searching mine. “Baby, what’s wrong? Are you okay?”

My arms tighten around her waist. “I fucking love you so much.” I’m shaking like a damn leaf, and a sob escapes my throat before I can finish. “I fucking love you so goddamn much, Lil. Please don’t let me fuck this up again, baby. Please.”