Holding On (3 page)

Coming out of my thoughts I remember I
need to get going! “Hem, Grey and I are leaving, we only wanted to
stop by and say hello.  We aren’t staying for the party
tonight, I’m sorry.  Take care of yourself and please take it
easy on Sade, you know her feelings for you.  Don’t play up to
them.”  

Sadey whips her head to me and scowls
in embarrassment.  I speak the truth because someone has to
say it and heaven knows she does love Hem.  She wouldn’t stop
him for having her for an evening as if she was part of the Club
ass around here.

“
Sis, I
know.  I’m well aware of how she feels emotionally and only
for you I won’t take advantage of how she feels
inside.
”  He is
grinning down at her I see her eyebrows lift at him and I think
she’s actually throwing him a damn challenge!  Oh he had
better not touch my girl.  Sadey is still pure, untainted, and
with her big heart Hem would crush her and make her unrecognizable
from the innocence she still owns.

“
God, you’re such a pig.
 I love you and will call you tomorrow.  I mean it, take
care and keep the mouse in the house around Sade.  Oh and Hem,
by the way Greyson and I have finally pinned down a date for the
wedding, you’re still coming to the wedding right? You’re going to
witness my transition to an old married wife?”

I know he’s hearing me even though
he’s pretending he can’t.  “Hem, you’re coming right?  I
need you there.”  I soften my voice so he can hear that I’m
being sincere.  I couldn’t imagine my big day without
Hem.

Rolling his eyes in despair, “Yes, I
will be there, dammit woman.  Even though you’re making a big
fucking mistake marrying that no nut tightass when you already know
that Shame called dibs for you years ago, but you never really
listened to what I had to say before, did you?”  

Argh.  What the hell?

He smiles as if I’m going to be
tempted into having some heated words with him right now, but I
just don’t have the time.  Adding that to my mental to do list
now though, check!  He’s also drunk and he’s talking nonsense
about Shame and his feelings for me.

Walking out to the car, I feel another
set of eyes on me.  Shame is drilling me with a distasteful
expression and I can’t put my finger on why he’s so worked up.
 Greyson and I together isn’t anything new to anyone here.
 We’ve been together for two years and are to be married in
less than six months.  I need to soothe my older brother from
another mother (and father).

I stop mid stride from walking towards
Greyson and turn back to face Shame still standing on the concrete
drive at the Club where I left him a few minutes ago.  His
look to me is almost predatory and I can feel the anger dripping
from his large tattooed frame.  I make my way to him and stare
into those silver blue eyes, back and forth I’m looking from his
twitching lip ring and back up to those eyes.  My neck is
angled straight up because I’m standing so close to him now.
 My stomach flips a bit, wondering what that lip ring tastes
like.

Focus, Mace.  Shit.

“
Take care of him okay,
Shame?  He’s so out of sorts and I’m a little worried about
what this evening will bring.  Take care of yourself too; he's
not the only member of my family I worry about.”  I tell him
this again hoping he understands that I do love him and worry about
him just as much as I do Hem. That should help soothe the lion as
he looks at the lamb with hunger.

“
Oh
don’t worry little sister; while you are off with a fancy dinner
with your
man
I will handle Hem and whoever
else
needs handling.  He and I
both will have plenty of distraction once the girls get here.
 You know what they say, once mother mouse is away the pussy
will come play.”  He’s in asshat mode.  Okay, as long as
he’s there and women are available then he won’t let Hem do
something stupid. Hem does not think before he acts.
 Personally though, to me, these Club woman are considered
‘doing something stupid’ but its whatever.  

“
You’re
an ass.  Enjoy your toys then.  No one has ever even
heard of that stupid saying either.  God Shame, sometimes you
act like you’re just 10 years old, not 34. Maybe one day you will
find someone to really love, Shame.  I know you well, best you
remember that little buddy.  You came from hell and you have
spent years trying to distance yourself from it.  You aren’t
fooling me
kid
.  You love us, that includes me as well but you’re
acting all macho because Greyson has pissed you off with just his
presence.  Be a big boy and get over yourself.  Go run
along and play nice with the other kids.” Shame hates to be called
“kid”.  I know this, and yet I still call him that when I’m
pissed at him.

Walking to me in quick
strides, he tosses his cigarette to the ground and suddenly grabs
my face.  I can smell the nicotine on his fingertips as he
pushes them into my jaw.  I would say it is erotic but it’s
just Shame.  That’s has been his scent for as long as I can
remember.  Even when I was only seven and he was nineteen, he
smelled like this. God, it
is
erotic.

Again, focus Mace.  Damn.
 

“
I am not your kid, do not
attempt to distract me from looking at that mouth and body of
yours.  Do not make a mistake and think that just because you
are my best friends little sister, doesn’t mean I’m blind to the
fact that you are now a woman.  Hmmm, come to think about it,
maybe while I’m dick deep in a Club tail tonight it should be your
name I shout to my release.”  He leans into my neck and takes
a deep breath and emits a growl, sending me shivers everywhere.
Then he drops his hands to his side, physically and figuratively
setting me free from my mental foreplay.  I feel the loss
instantly.  Never has he said an inappropriate word to me in
all the years I have known him.  No time to dwell on this now,
Grey is honking and he’s been waiting long enough.

I make a hasty return to
the path I was walking
before
my brilliance kicked in and I had turned back.
 My face is flushed and my hands are shaking.  I still
feel his thumb pressing into the side of my face as his fingers
wrapped around the nape of my neck and I can still smell the
remnants of him.  Delicious.  Guilt wins out though and I
get into the car just in time to hear the tail end of a
conversation that Greyson is quickly trying to end.
 

“
Yes, okay.  Package
is being handled. Got it, Sir.”  Greyson slaps his phone
shut in annoyance and glares at me.

“
All
done here,
Princess
?  Jesus Christ they are
just trash receptacles walking and talking aren’t they?”  His
anger isn’t at me but it is about me, I feel bad about it so I’m
going to let it go.  Greyson never does well when he feels
he’s being threaten, whether it is a verbal threat or
not.

“
What package?”  I’m
asking to dissuade his comment also giving myself time to avoid my
retaliation to his rudeness regarding my Club family.
 

“
Nothing for you to worry
your pretty face over, baby. Look, I’m sorry I called you that.
 I don’t like these people.  They disgust me.”
 Well, tell me what you really think!  He’s running his
hands through his hair and he’s upset but damn, so am I.  My
attempts to bite my tongue have finally failed.

“
Those
‘people’ are my family and you know this so stop insulting them.
 I love you, Greyson.  I love them as well, and if you
love
me
then you accept
them
.  Once you get to know them
you will see they loyalty they have to us.  It’s like having a
family of friends that we can rely on anytime.”

He reaches over after putting the keys
in the ignition and leans towards me pulling my hair hard and
putting his mouth on mine, in a non-sexual and brutal way.  I
do not open for him to enter.  This son of a bitch is about
ready to get bit!  I’m so shocked that my body locks until his
assault is over.  It is so out of character for Greyson to act
this way, he’s always been so gentle and easy with me.

He pulls away throwing my head back as
he removes his hand from the back of my neck and letting go of my
hair.  He’s still gripping under my chin tightly now with one
hand, I can feel him squeezing it. “Thought you would enjoy a
moment of what it would be like to be a whore, that’s what they
like right?  Whores? Sluts? Club meat?  I’ve seen them in
action, don’t forget that. They like it rowdy and rough, don’t
they?  Girls are walking around in there with nothing but ass
string on, being taken by anyone that wants them; do you like idea
of that for you?  Tell me because I’m starting to wonder if
you don’t have inside knowledge and experience. Shame put his
fucking hand on your chest then touch your fucking face as I sat
here and watched, Mace.  From where I was standing you
actually fucking enjoyed being manhandled by that fucking
Neanderthal!  God Dammit, all of you make me sick.”

My eyes fill with tears and
he lets my face go harshly and then stares ahead after starting his
car.  He doesn’t understand that when Shame put his hand over
my heart it meant something, it wasn’t about making me feel less
than deserving of his love.  In this moment I feel I don’t
belong here in this beautiful foreign car that was tailor made for
Greyson.  I feel like I make it dirty.  Greyson just
made
me
feel like
a bug he wanted to squish.  

For the first time in two years I’m
wondering if I really am meant to be with Grey.  He’s never
made me feel this way.  Why now?

Chapter
Two
:

"All things truly wicked start from
innocence."

--Ernest Hemingway

I’ve said nothing to Hem
about his so called “announcement” last week.  Why bring it up
when I know I’m right and he’s wrong?  No sense in spinning
the big brother up.  I hope it just blows over and he has
forgotten about it.  I’m sure he has with all his drunkenness
and Club woman from that evening.  I mentally chastise myself
for thinking about what Shame had said about the Club slut he had
planned on sinking himself into, then how that same evening Grey
had referred to me as one of them.  Maybe it’s not lost on me
that I still want Shame, even just for one night.  

I never talked to Greyson about his
outrage with me in the car.  His seeing Shame with his hands
on me probably spurred this about, saying I haven’t talked to him
about it isn’t saying I forgive him either.  He’s never shown
any alpha jealous tendencies in the past which is why I didn’t see
it coming.  I was so taken back with his behavior that I still
haven’t processed what he was thinking when he was physically
aggressive towards me.  I do know that if Hem or Shame ever
saw him touch me like that or even heard he was less than gentle
with me, they would end him.  Not in a ‘roughing him up’ sense
either, they would literally put him in the ground, six feet under
where no one would find his remains.

Tonight it is the weekly party at the
Club.  Every week the Peril members gather in the common area
to celebrate weekly successes. Then after well, all goes.
 When I say all goes, I mean that in the most literal sense.
 Drugs and sex play out like a cheaply made pornography movie,
with the same actors starring every week.  I do not attend
these unless something specific is being celebrated or Hem asks me
to be there.  Hem knows Greyson hates these, and being that he
doesn’t live this life I can understand it.  This is something
that Hem uses this against Greyson and claims it makes him a pussy.
 Well Grey is out of town this weekend back in Texas with his
parents. I could have gone with him, however this being the one
year anniversary weekend of Docs passing I didn’t want to leave Hem
alone.  This is what I tell myself.  If I’m being honest,
I want to loiter around Shame without the threat of Greyson’s eyes,
if only to just look at him without interruption.  After our
moment outside last week it has been hard to stay away, but I have.
 I haven’t seen Hem or Shame since that evening and I’ve been
looking forward to tonight all week.  Feeling giddy isn’t a
feeling I’m used to.  Since I’ve always known Shame was never
an option, I’m used to watching him from the cheap seats.  If
this makes me a mental slut or cheater, so be it because the man is
seriously hot.

I standing in the common area now
looking around for Hem to let him know I’m here.  I can hear
sobbing but can’t pinpoint which direction it’s coming from.
 I start walking towards the voice, nearing the bathroom
closest to me.  This place is big, resembling a hotel so near
the entrance is a bathroom, one for boys and one for girls or in
this case one for the brothers, and the other for the
skanks.

It’s when I get near the ladies room I
can hear someone talking, loudly.

“
Why do I love him?
 I don’t fucking know.  He’s my kryptonite, that’s why.
 Smug fucking bastard.  Seriously, are you fucking
kidding me right now?  HER?  Hoochie!!!  HER!
 I’m not worldly, I don’t have some sexual scent, I don’t have
a clue how to use my body to get a man, but I’m not some STD
infected Club hooker!  I hate you, Hem.  Oh God, Hem I
hate you so fucking much.”  The sobbing is so loud, then I
hear the sound of something breaking, then shatter.  The
bathroom mirror just took a hit.