Holding On (32 page)

Luke nodded, debating whether or not he should continue. “As long as we’re laying it all out there…I should tell you…I fel
t so guilty those first few weeks. After we found out he was gone…” His voice was rough. It sounded like he was grating the words out.

Quinn waited patiently. She was afraid to interrupt because it was clear he was having a hard time with what he had to say. She didn’t want him to stop because she was afraid he may not start up again.

“I spent so long wishing something would happen. That you two would split up.” He let out a bitter laugh. “I didn’t even care how. Whether you just decided you weren’t right for each other…Or whether he met someone else.” Quinn stiffened and Luke said, “Yeah, I know. It was shitty of me.
I know
. But I just wanted you. I wanted you so badly and I just wanted him out of the picture. I didn’t care how. And then…all of a sudden he was gone. And I kept thinking…
This is not what I wanted! This isn’t what I meant
. And I felt so…
guilty
. Like I’d wished it into happening.” His voice cracked and he wiped a tear away.

“Luke,” Quinn said consolingly. “That’
s just…” She wanted to say ‘crazy’ or ‘nonsense’ but both words sounded so condescending.

“I know,” he said with a small nod. “I see that now. But those first few
weeks…They were…I don’t even know. I mean, I talked to my mom. She insisted I talk to Pastor Marshal. So I did. And it helped. But even now, I still feel so guilty for ever wishing that. For wishing he was out of your life. Because now that he is…I’d give anything, even my own life, trade him places whatever…Just to have him back. So you wouldn’t have to be going through this.”

Quinn stared at him, shock
ed by his confession. “Luke…I would never want to lose you, either.”

“But you
needed
him. You don’t need me,” he told her. He squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head. “I don’t know why I even brought it up. It’s not like it changes anything.”

“No,” she said quietly. “It doesn’t. But I’m glad you told me.
You needed to get it out. I had no idea you felt like that. But you shouldn’t, Luke. I’d be heartbroken without you, too. And you can’t feel guilty about him being gone. None of us could’ve known what would happen.”

“I know. But I spent so much of the last two years being angry with him. Almost hating him and wishing he’d just…I don’t know. Go away. God Quinn...those first few days…I felt like I had no right to even be near you. Like this was my fault. Like I didn’t deserve to be around you because I almost felt like I wished this on you.”

Quinn started to speak but he cut her off.

“I talked to Mom. Or actually, she talked to me. I mean, she could tell. I think she guessed what was going on in my head. She told me that it would be selfish if I cut myself off from you. I wanted to be with you and I felt so guilty for being with you at the same time. I mean, I wanted to be with you because you’re a friend,” he quickly pointed out. “Mom told me I shouldn’t feel guilty and I shouldn’t pull away because you needed all of the support you could get.”

“I did,” Quinn admitted. “
I needed
you
. I couldn’t have gotten through it without you, Luke.” She was quiet for a minute, thinking. “Is that why you stayed with me at first? Because you felt guilty? Because you felt obligated to make sure I was okay?”

He shook his head and sighed. “Why do you do that? Why do you
always assume the worst?” He reached over and cupped her cheek in his palm. “I stayed with you because I was worried about you. Because you’ve been my best friend ten times longer than you were my brother’s wife.” A tear trickled down her face and he wiped it away, letting his hand fall back in his lap when he did so.

“And now how do you feel?” she demanded quietly.

He let out a low, bitter laugh. “Like hell. I wanted you but not at this expense. I should’ve been a better brother to him.”

“I know you never wished for this,” Quinn firmly said. “But you two worked things out in the end. Right?
Jake said you did. And you know he had a lot of regrets, too. But it’s not worth holding onto them. You need to let them go and just move forward. That’s what life’s all about.”

“You sound like my mom,” Luke
admitted.

Quinn forced a smile. “
Funny, because that’s exactly where I got that from.”

“Yeah?” he asked with a small, forced smile of his own.

She nodded and was quiet for a moment before continuing. “Yeah. You’re not the only one that has let their head go somewhere it doesn’t belong.”

Now Luke was watching her, waiting patiently. She blinked back tears as she looked out his frosty window. “Quinnie?” he gently pressed. “Are you going to talk to me?”

She sighed, wondering if telling him was the right thing. She decided it was. They were friends. They’d always been able to talk to each other. They were just getting that back and she couldn’t afford to lose it. Not now.

“Remember what you asked the night before the wedding? You wanted to know what I would’ve said if you would’ve asked me out?” Before he could say anything she told him. “I would’ve said yes. For
years
, I would’ve said yes.”

He blinked at her for a moment, stunned into silence. Finally he said, “I don’t know what to do with that.”
He wasn’t sure why she was telling him that
now
.

She shrugged. “This probably makes me a horrible person but every once in a while…I think about how different things would probably be, if you and I were together
and Jake and I never were. I know how horrible that sounds.” She turned to him and made a guilty face. “But sometimes…most of the time…it still hurts so much and I just want to get away from it. And I wonder how different it would be if he and I
hadn’t
been together. But you’d
still
be dealing with losing your brother. And I
wouldn’t
have Carter…And it’s a really horrible thing to even think about…But I do…sometimes wonder,” she rambled.

She hoped she was making some kind of sense but
she was not sure that she was. “I don’t regret a single second of being with Jake. But I still wonder. Even though I wish I
didn’t
because it seems like an insult to his memory. I can’t seem to stop myself, though.” She squeezed her eyes shut tight, embarrassed by her admission. Yet it was something she felt she needed to get out.

Luke pulled her into a
hug. She felt herself relax against him.

“I just want things to be simple again. You know?” she quietly asked. A
nother tear trickled out and she wiped it away. “I mean, I remember digging through your mom’s glass jars, trying to pick the perfect one to keep fireflies in. How did we go from that to picking out a casket?” She let out a bitter laugh. “That sounds so selfish. But I just…I want to stop hurting. And sometimes I wish he and I were never together because if we hadn’t been together…it wouldn’t hurt
like this
. But then on the other side of that, I treasure every single second I had with him.”

“I know you do,
Quinn. Whatever you feel right now? It’s okay. There’s no right or wrong. You’re just
dealing
and you can’t control your emotions. You shouldn’t expect to.” He was quiet for a few moments. Their emotions were so heavy, so oppressive, it was nearly suffocating. Yet, these were things they both needed to say.

“I’m glad he had you in his life. I really am. I had never
seen my brother so happy. When he told everyone about Carter? He was just…you could tell he loved that kid already. I mean, from the second he found out. You know?” Quinn nodded. “And yeah, I hated it for a while. I really did. There were times when I never thought I’d forgive him but now…I’m glad he had you. I’m glad he had that kind of love in his life. You made him so happy.”

“Thanks, for saying that,” she said quietly. “But you have to stop feeling guilty
, too.”

He let out another bitter laugh. “Your feelings…? They’re a whole lot different than mine were. You are just trying to keep yourself sane. My feelings were just plain spiteful. And now, I kind of hate
myself for them. He’s gone and I spent way too much of my time wishing him away.”

“But you know he’d want you to be happy, right?” Quinn asked.

Luke blew out a breath as he released her. “Yeah, I do.”

“So what’s going to make you happy?” she asked.

He studied her face for a moment. She felt vaguely as though he were searching for answers that she didn’t have.

“I think…staying here. In Lanford,” he finally said. “I don’t know about being happy. That seems like a long way off. But staying here, that seems like the first step along the way.
I think I need to be around my family.”

Quinn smiled at him, surprised that it wasn’t forced at all. His words had lightened her heart just a bit.

“Now,” Luke said as he turned in his seat, “we’d better get going. I’d hate to give your mom another reason to be annoyed with me.”

Quinn laughed
because as she glanced at the clock, she realized it was probably too late for that.

*~*~*

“How did it go with Luke?” Carly demanded. She had a sleeping Carter curled up in her arms.

The baptismal brunch was over. They were back at Quinn’s. She had just a little while before she needed to head back to school again. When Quinn and Luke had arrived at Margo and Pete’s, it was clear by both of their moods that they’d had a pretty serious talk.
She had been anxious for some time alone with her sister to find out what they’d discussed.

Quinn shrugged. “He just wanted to tell me that he had been thinking about moving back to Baxter. But now it sounds like he’s decided to stay here.”

Carly scoffed. “Of course he’s staying here. You’re here.”

Quinn narrowed her eyes at her sister.
Her tone was firm. “There’s
nothing
going on with Luke and me. I may have felt something for him once. But that seems like a lifetime ago, Carly.” She didn’t feel it was necessary to point out that she thought Luke’s feelings had changed, too. After the talk they’d had, she had a hunch he felt too guilty to ever feel anything more than friendship for her ever again. But that was a private conversation between her and Luke. It wasn’t something she would ever share with anyone else. Not even Carly, whom she trusted with everything. “You realize that, right? That we’re only friends? That’s all we’ve ever been. That’s all we’ll ever be. You know that, don’t you?” she demanded.

Carly’s expression softened.
She wondered exactly who Quinn’s words were meant to convince. Her sister? Or herself? Carly thought that maybe Quinn even believed what she said. However, she wasn’t so sure.

“What I know
,” Carly said gently, “is that you and Luke have a history. And yes, it’s messy and some of it isn’t pretty. But you two, you’ve been through a lot together.”

“As
friends
,” Quinn stressed.

“
You’ve always been more than just friends,” Carly calmly pointed out. “And I’m not saying that you two are going to rush into anything. Not today or tomorrow and maybe not even in a few months. But you and Luke…there’s something there with you two. There always has been.”

Quinn opened her mouth to protest.
She was fuming. She wanted to tell Carly she was way out of line.

“
It’s completely normal that you’re holding on to your memories of Jake,” Carly said softly. “But one day…you’re going to have to move on. He would want that for you. He would want you to let go. And when you do, Luke’s going to be there for you. Just like he’s always been.”

Letting Go
will be released summer of 2013.

If you enjoyed
Holding On
, please continue reading an excerpt from
Unexpected
, a young adult romance.

UNEXPECTED

1

“I do look fat, don’t I?” Mom asked yet again. “My butt? It looks like a marshmallow. A big. Fat. Pink. Marshmallow.” Her voice was full of despair. “I should’ve gone with black. Black is slimming. But I thought pink would be fun. Cute. Who am I kidding? I am
too old for cute
!”

At this point, I was fairly sure she was no longer talking to me. She’d probably forgotten I was even in the room.