Holding On To Love (9 page)

Honestly, I was slightly annoyed. Why hadn't Zac asked me? Why had he gone straight to Kennedy first?

"It's fine. Either way, I don't care."

"Are you mad at me?" She asked quietly.

"No. Why would I be? I just wish he'd asked me first, that's all."

"Really? That's why you're mad? Because you were asleep, so I let him in, we randomly started talking about him staying here for a few months and you're pissed about it?" She shook her head.

"I'm not pissed. I just wish you two would've woken me up or something...Ugh...Never mind. I guess I'm just grumpy 'cause I didn't sleep very well. Sorry."

She reached over and squeezed my arm. "Another nightmare?" She asked cautiously.

How the hell did she know?

"Huh?" I asked.

"It's okay, Ally. I know you get them. Some nights are worse than others. You talk a lot in your sleep."

"Great..." I said shrugging.

"If you ever need to talk about them, you know I'm here for you. Kay?" She smiled warmly and pulled my in for a hug.
"Thanks, friend. Maybe someday, just not now," I said. There was no way I could sit down and tell Kennedy about my nightmares. I wasn't even sure what was real and what wasn't anymore.

"I'm always here if you need me. I love you like a sister, you know that right?"

"Yeah. I love you too." I wrapped my arms around her and squeezed.

"Girl on girl action?! Oh, hell yes!" Zac shouted from behind us. He stood next to the sink with a coffee mug in hand, wearing a black muscle shirt and a pair of green basketball shorts that hung low on his defined hips.

"Oh, shut up Zac," I said, punching him in the arm. "Moved in already I see. Sure, just make yourself at home."

"Whatever, Ally. You know it'll be like old times. We use to have fun once, remember that?"

"If your implying that beating me up was fun, then, yeah sure, I guess so." I rolled my eyes at him. He reached his arm around my neck and rubbed his knuckles across the top of my head, seriously tangling my hair in the process.

"OW! What the hell, bro?" I cursed and elbowed him in the ribs. He released me and I ran my hand over the spot to smooth my hair.

"You miss me. Don't you?" He said playfully.

"Hardly," I said, giggling.

"You miss me and you love me. Say it or I'll give you horse bites," he threatened.

"It's way too early for your shit and I haven't had my caffeine yet, so leave me alone," I whined and Kennedy laughed.

"Come on Zac, just leave her alone," she pleaded and she tugged on his muscled arm.

The tea pot whistled, I flipped the switch and poured the hot water into my mug.

"Alright, fine," he said taking Kennedy by the waist leading her out of the kitchen. I heard her giggle as they made their way into the living room. Oh, jeez.

I took a spoon out of the drawer and dunked it into my mug to saturate the teabag. I grabbed Kennedy's Pop-Tarts from the toaster and put them on a napkin. I turned the corner and made my way into the living room. Kennedy and Zac sat next to each other on the couch. His arm around her shoulder and her hand on his knee.

"Hey, you forgot your Pop-Tarts," I said as I came up behind the sofa.

She reached up with her free hand. "Oh sorry, Al. I almost forgot I made those. Thanks."

I set my tea on the oak coffee table and plopped down into the recliner.

"There's a 'Friends' marathon all day today," Kennedy said bouncing in her seat with a mouthful of the toaster pastry.

I smiled and watched Monica, Rachel and Phoebe laugh as they each took turns tossing their bouquets while dressed in wedding gowns. I loved this one.

"So, Ally. What are you working on? I thought your column didn't get published until the end of the month." Kennedy asked between bites.

I sipped my tea and cupped the mug in both hands before answering her. "Jeanette called this morning. I guess Marissa's sick and she has an interview scheduled with the Rattlesnakes tomorrow. So, she asked me to fill in," I said nonchalantly.

She almost choked on her breakfast. "Are you serious? You know nothing about hockey."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence." I shrugged. "I know that. I did some research this morning. I think I've got it under control."

"That's awesome, sis. You know, Brody plays for them?" Zac asked, swiping a piece of Kennedy's Pop-Tart.

"I'm well aware. Thank you, brother," I scoffed.

"What?!?!" Kennedy shouted and scooted to the end of the couch to face me. "Are you gonna have to interview that douche bag?"

I laughed, feeling my face flush. "Yeah. Well, maybe. I don't know yet."

"He's not a douche, Skittles," Zac chimed in. "He's just a lot to take when you first meet him, that's all."

"Ha!" Kennedy snorted. "Well, he was a dick to Ally last night. And if he keeps it up, I'll just have kick the shit out of him myself."

Zac looked at me, confused. "Huh? What the hell did he say to you, sis?"

"Nothing. He's just an egotistical maniac that fucks anything on two legs," I said.

"I swear to God, Ally. If he said something to you, I'll set him straight," he said, balling his fists at his side.

"Simmer down, Zac. I can handle myself. I'm a big girl," I said, motioning him to relax.

"I dunno Ally. After last night. Do you really think it's wise to attempt to talk to the guy again?"

"I'll be fine guys, even if I have to interview him," I said squaring my shoulders against the back of the plush recliner.

Kennedy glared at me, clearly bothered by the predicament I was getting myself into.

"It'll be fine, Ken. No worries," I said.

"Alright, if you say so," she shrugged and went back to watching Friends.

Maybe she was right. Had I dug myself an inevitable hole? What if I did end up interviewing him? My wheels were turning and I needed an outlet. Too bad the summer heat was in full force or I'd go for a run.

"Hey, Ken. I need some help finding an outfit for tomorrow. Can you help me find something?" I asked.

She bounded off the sofa and clapped her hands excitedly. "Eeek! Of course I will!" She squeaked.

I set my mug down and Kennedy took me by the hand. She dragged my body from the recliner and towed me down the hallway towards my room.

"Sorry, bro. We'll be back in a minute," I called over my shoulder.

He laughed and propped his feet on the coffee table. 

Once inside my room, she released my hand and skipped into my closet. I sat at the edge of the bed and patiently awaited her orders.

"Oh my god! So— You totally need to look hot, but not like your trying too hard, you know?" She managed to say between the sound of hangers clanking together as she worked my closet.

"Uh-Huh...Totally," I agreed.

More clanking, a few cusses and a very energetic, "Yippy"; Kennedy came out of the closet with a pile of clothes in her arms she could barely see over.

"Wow. Is that necessary?" I asked, immediately regretting my decision to ask for help.

"Yup," she mumbled from behind the stack. She moved to the edge of bed and dropped them. She began pulling pieces and arranging them into outfits on my bed. I laughed and watched her move quickly back and forth.

"What about this one?" She asked holding up a short white and floral printed skirt and a baby blue collared button down.

I shook my head. "No. Definitely not. That skirt is way too short."

She tossed them aside and pulled another to her chest. This time it was a cap-sleeved mint green knee length dress. I shook my again, "That's too low cut and the slit is way too high."

"Kay, fine. How about this?" She asked, pulling a black pencil skirt and a silk, lavender wrap blouse out of the pile.

She held them against her. "I think this one with your silver peep toe wedges would be rockin'," She said smiling. "Oh! I have the perfect necklace and earrings to match."

I nodded. I bought the lavender top at a second hand store a few months ago and never had the chance to wear it, I'd completely forgotten about it.

"Ok. That's professional with out looking like I'm going clubbing. I like it," I said.

"Yay!" She squealed. "I'm gonna go get the jewelry. I'll be right back," she said trotting out of my room, grinning ear to ear.

I picked up the remaining clothes by their hangers and retreated back into my closet. I hung them back in their designated homes and searched my shoe rack for the silver shoes.

Box after box, I was beginning to think I might have donated or lost them. I reached behind the rack and pulled out a plain white box. The tears welled in my eyes as I stared at the black handwriting that read, "Andrew". I lifted the lid off the box and set it aside. Through glossy eyes, I saw a picture of Andrew and I the night we got engaged. The waiter at the restaurant insisted on taking it.

Andrew's arm was around my shoulders, holding me close to him, while I held my left hand out to show off my ring. His goofy smile stared back at me and the tears streamed down my cheeks. I set the picture down and searched for the red velvet box. When I found it, I carefully lifted the lid back. The diamond still sparkled as if it had never been worn a day in it's life. I snapped the lid shut and held it against my chest as I sobbed.

"I miss you, Andrew. So much," I whispered.

At the bottom of the box, a white envelope with Andrew's handwriting on it, "Happy Birthday, Allyson. My love, my heart."

I pulled the card from it's envelope and began reading the note he'd slipped inside.

Allyson-

I wanted to let you know that I have completely fallen for you. I've never felt this way about anyone. You occupy all of my thoughts. When you're in my arms, I feel so at peace, like I never want to let you go. When I look into your eyes it's like I'm searching for the part of your soul where mine is meant to join.

Believe me when I say, you are the best thing to ever happen to me. I know it took us a while to find one another, but now that we're together, I can honestly say I'm the happiest man alive. You've given me a whole new outlook on life and I cherish everyday I spend with you. Our love is strong and unbreakable, don't ever forget that.

Happy Birthday to my best friend and the love of my life.

Always and forever,

Andrew

My heart ached for him and I slipped the card back into the envelope. I sat with the box on my lap as I cried; for him and for my shattered heart.

"Oh my god...Ally...What's wrong?" Kennedy asked.

She knelt down next to me and I felt her hands on my shoulders as I let the tears fall. She pulled the box from my lap, put the lid back on and set it beside her. 

I wiped the tears from under my eyes and took a deep breath. "I-I-I'm okay," I managed to choke out.

"It's okay to remember him. He loved you so much. Sometimes it's hard to move on," she said.

I began sobbing again. Kennedy pulled me close to her and held me while I cried into her shoulder.

"It's okay. It's okay," she said softly.

I sniffled and drew my head back, taking another deep breath. I focused on a pair of boots in the back of my closet to keep from crying again.

"I know, Ken..." I said. "I know. I just don't want to let go. I can't let go of him. He was my everything and he's gone...because of me."

"He may be gone, but you can't keep beating yourself up over it. It wasn't your fault, you know that," she said.

"Part of me wants to go back and do it all over. If I hadn't drank so much champagne, he might still be here," I cried. 

"That's crazy talk, Ally. You had nothing to do with it. Period," she interrupted.

I kept my gaze locked on a pair of tan riding boots and inhaled deeply.

"Come on...let's get you out of this closet. You go get in the shower, it'll make you feel better. I promise," she said lifting me up from the floor.

"Okay," I agreed.

I opened the dresser drawer, fished out a pair of panties and a bra before making my way into the bathroom. I stepped into the shower, closed my eyes and images of Andrew flashed in my head like a black and white movie reel.

I desperately needed a distraction, something to get my mind off of him. I finished my shower, dried off, pulled on a pair of jean shorts and a tank top. I ran a brush through my wet locks and pulled it into a ponytail.

I found Kennedy and Zac in the living room, still watching Friends and laughing at Chandler's jokes.

"Hey guys. I'm gonna run to the store. Do you need anything?" I asked.