Holidaze (11 page)

“Jayd, no. Come back,” Rah yells after me. He tries to catch me but the crowd is too dense and the elders aren’t moving out of his way quick enough to let him by. I run outside barefoot and keep moving away from the drama. My baby is crying and I want to go back for her, but I can’t focus on anything but the fierce pounding in my head.

“Jayd, what are you doing outside at this time of night without any shoes on? Have you been smoking that stuff again?” Shawntrese asks, making light of my situation as her boyfriend pulls out of the driveway. I look around and realize I’m no longer dreaming, even though I still feel asleep.

“I’m outside,” I say. When I snap completely out of my dream, the first thing I notice is how cold my feet are. I have on nothing but a T-shirt and sweats, my usual night gear. How did I get outside? I must’ve been sleepwalking again. Damn it. I know Mama’s going to have a conniption fit when she finds out I had another episode. I know she’s going to partially blame it on the fact that I didn’t take Dr. Whitmore’s pills today. If Shawntrese hadn’t stopped me I could’ve wandered out into the street, leaving the front door wide open and Rahima all alone.

“Jayd, are you okay?” she asks again, this time more concerned. My head is pounding and I can’t hear her words very well. I want to respond but all I can hear now is Rahima’s crying.

“Oh no. The baby,” I say, running back upstairs to Rahima. I climb the concrete steps two at a time until I reach my mom’s apartment. I’ll never forgive myself if something happens to Rahima on my watch. Here I am, judging her mother for neglecting her, when I can’t even be trusted to watch Rahima for one night.

“What baby? What the hell is going on around here?” Shawntrese says, following me up the stairs on the way to her mother’s apartment across the hall. She knows I’ve got issues, but she has no idea the full extent of my drama. This sleepwalking is making it a little harder to keep my cover.

“Rah’s daughter. I’m babysitting.” I walk in to find Rahima lying in the same spot I left her, but tossing and moaning with her eyes closed. She must be having a bad dream too because she’s still asleep, thank God.

“Jayd, how babysitting usually works is that the baby sits and you sit with her. What the hell are you doing downstairs when she’s upstairs?” I look around the apartment, making sure everything is still intact. I have no idea how long I was out or, truthfully, if I’m even really awake now. I could still be dreaming for all I know.

“If I knew I’d tell you myself.” What time is it, and where is Rah? He needs to get here soon because I don’t trust myself to fall asleep around Rahima until I get my dream world under control.

“Thank goodness she’s okay. Remind me never to let you watch one of my babies,” Shawntrese says playfully, but she did just hurt my feelings, and I can’t really blame her for feeling that way. Misty and Esmeralda have got my mind on lock. I’ve got to find a way out of this mess before someone ends up getting hurt.

“Good night,” I say wearily. I’m more tired now than I was when I first lay down. Shawntrese and I close our doors at the same time, and I resecure the various locks on my mom’s front door. How did I unlock all of these bolts while sleeping? Without Mama here to catch me I don’t feel safe sleeping, but I know I need it. I look at the wall clock and notice it’s almost two in the morning. I think I was out for about three hours. I wonder how many of those hours were spent walking around?

Rah’s drama is getting me into trouble, yet I feel like I can’t escape, even if I truly wanted to. It’s like he’s got me under some sort of spell. Speaking of which, Esmeralda crept her way into my dream, bringing back my headache from hell with her. How did she do that, and how can I get rid of this pounding? Where are my mom and Mama when I need them? And more importantly right now, where the hell is Rah?

A
fter downing the maximum amount of Extra Strength Tylenol I can take in one dose, I call Rah’s phone, which is off at the moment. Damn it. I know he gets lost in his music when he’s in the studio, but now that he’s primarily responsible for his daughter I think he should consider changing how he conducts his business.

When his voice mail picks up I decide to leave a message.

“Rah, call me, please. Did you forget we had plans? You haven’t checked on me or your daughter all night, and we need you. Bye.” I know I sounded more than a little pissed and I am, especially now that I remember we had plans to chill once he was done with his so-called business. Maybe my mom was right. I’m sitting here, stuck watching Rahima, while he’s out playing. What’s wrong with this picture?

Rahima’s stirring in her sleep, but looks peaceful. I wish I could sleep like her. Before I can get more vexed, my cell rings with a call from Rah.

“What’s up with you?” I ask, trying not to bite into him too hard off the rip. I’ll ease into cussing him out given the fact his daughter is close by.

“Nothing much. Sorry I lost track of time,” he says, sounding distracted.

“You did more than that. You stood me up, or did you forget we were supposed to hang out this evening?”

“Jayd, I told you I had business to handle. I’m wrapping it up now.” I wonder what else he’s wrapping up.

“That doesn’t excuse your apparently broken fingers. You couldn’t call a sistah and let me know you were running late or not going to make it at all? What the hell, Rah?”

“Jayd, I don’t know why you’re so upset. You’ve got my seed right there with you, so you know I’m coming back there.”

“Rah, that’s not the damn point,” I say. My head’s getting hotter and my voice louder with each passing moment. The Tylenol can’t help the psychic booming going on in my head, but it’s taking the edge off. And talking to this fool is bringing it back to full force.

“Jayd, we can sit here and argue or I can hang up and finish my work.”

“Where are you, anyway?” I glance at Rahima, who hasn’t moved an inch. When babies sleep they sleep hard.

“I’m at the studio, but I’ll be done sooner than later if you let me go.” I can hear a female laughing in the background and it sounds like Trish. I have half a mind to go over there right now with his baby on my hip like I’m his wifey, but that would just be too ghetto. And I’m not letting this fool push me that far, no matter what my last dream predicted.

“It doesn’t sound like you were getting much work done anyway.” I’ve been in the studio with Rah enough to know when he’s working and when he’s just chilling. My mom was right. I am basically serving as Rah’s babysitter.

“You know how it is. I got caught up.”

“Caught up with Trish?”

“No, her brother. He wanted to lay down some tracks while they were fresh in his head.” Almost every other brotha I know thinks he’s either a rapper or ballplayer. Why can’t they just do whatever it is they came here to do well, instead of playing hood karaoke all night?

“So you’re his producer now?” And Rah thinks he’s David Banner, always trying to record someone’s song. First it was just his and Nigel’s thing. But after he and Rah revamped Rah’s garage and turned it into a professional studio, with the microphone booth in it and all, Rah’s now renting it—and his skills—out by the hour. Why his high-priced trick is there is another thing altogether.

“Jayd, you know that’s what I do. If a nigga’s good and he’s coming to me with dough to rent my studio space and my time, that’s what it’s all about. Not all of us are born into money, you know.”

“Of course I know that. Why would you say something like that to me?”

“I’m just saying, you think I want to give up my entire night and morning dealing with someone else’s shit? I do this shit because I have to, unlike them white boys you dealing with at that punk-ass school of yours. I thought you understood my flow.”

“I do, and don’t try and turn this around on me. You know what the hell I’m not understanding. It’s that chick being a part of your flow. Don’t play with me, Rah.” I hear Trish laughing again in the background like the cackling crow she is. She sounds as high as a kite. Maybe that’s why Rah lets her stay around, because she’s fun in a stuck-up sort of way.

“Calm yourself down, Jayd. I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

“Whatever,” I say before hanging up the cell and tossing it on the other end of the couch. If it weren’t for his daughter being here, I’d tell him not to bother coming this way. What will it take for Rah to understand that he can’t take advantage of my time?

“He’ll stop when you stop letting him,”
my mom says. For once today, I’m glad to hear her in my head.
“And what are you doing up? Shouldn’t you be sleeping?”

“Bad dream,”
I think back. I don’t want to relive my most recent sleepwalking incident right now. I just want to focus on Rah getting back here so I can tell his ass off in person.

“Jayd, you’ve got to listen to me, baby. If you don’t get your sleep issues under control, your whole life will start to unravel. You’ve got to stop taking on other people’s issues and focus on your own shit.”

“Okay, Mom. I know you’re right. But it’s easier said than done.”

“It’s only difficult if you make it that way. Give Rah his pretty little girl and send them home. You need space and time to heal, Jayd.”

“Mom, I don’t have a cold.”
Even if the pressure in my head feels slightly like congestion.

“Sick is sick, Jayd. And with us, being psychically ill is just as bad, if not worse, than any other type of ailment out there. When Esmeralda started her mental attacks on me I felt like I had the flu for weeks. People at school thought I had pneumonia at first, then they thought I had something else, as weak as I was. Don’t let your defenses down for a minute. Mom out.”
My mom knows more about my dream than she’s saying.

“But wait,” I say aloud before she mentally checks out. I know I’ll see my mom tomorrow before I go back to Mama’s, but I need her help dealing with Rah right now.

“Yes? I want to get some sleep too, Jayd, and your little nightmare woke me up.”
See, I knew she was holding back.

“What do I do about Rah?”

“I already told you. As long as you let him get away with giving you crap, he will. Men can’t help it, especially men with mama issues like your boy. Rah is as sweet as he wants to be, but he’s also inconsiderate and self-centered, which is a bad combination in any relationship. I love him like a son, but I’d beat his ass if he ever left me waiting, and with his baby, too? Oh hell, no, girl. You’d better nip this one in the bud right now before it gets out of control. Bye.”

“I love you, Mom, and thank you for checking in.” Which is more than I can say for Rah.

“I love you too, Jayd. Now make sure you protect yourself and get some solid sleep.”
Rather than go back into a dream world I can’t control, I think I’ll watch television until Rah rears his ugly head.

By the time Rah gets here I’m going to be too pissed to be rational. He was supposed to come back sooner than later. He didn’t even answer his phone the three times I tried calling since our conversation a couple of hours ago. That can only mean one thing: he’s still caught up with Trish.

When I finally hear his Timberlands stomping up the stairs, I’m steaming. It’s damn near four in the morning, and he’s got the nerve to smile when I let him through the front door.

“So, where were you, really?” I ask, trying not to get too loud. I don’t want to wake Rahima, nor do I want the neighbors to hear us with their nosy asses.

“I had to hustle, Jayd. You know how I do.”

“Why was Trish involved in your late night hustling? You have her out working the corners or something?” I ask. I know that was a bit bitchy, even for me dealing with Trish. But he deserved it, especially for that smart-ass remark he made about being born with money. I know that was a stab at Jeremy. You’d think he would know how down-to-earth Jeremy is by now, unlike his ice princess with the high price tag.

“Jayd, you know you don’t have anything to worry about. I love you, I trust you, and I would never do anything to violate your love and trust for me again.” As Rah stands in front of me ready to plead his sorry case, the room becomes hazy, like I’m in a dream state. The floor appears warped and the lights and everything else around us start to sway like things do when an earthquake happens. What the hell? I feel like I’ve been drinking, or what I imagine it to feel like. I’ve never taken more than a sip of champagne at a wedding, and don’t really want to. From the way my friends act after a drink or two, I want no part of being drunk.

“Whatever. I know you and Sandy have been creeping around,” I blurt out. Now my headache from Esmeralda has returned to full force, edge included. Rah continues to justify his actions, completely unaware of my issues. The pounding in my head gets louder as Rah talks to me. I see his lips moving but can barely hear his words, which I should be glad for. Everything’s getting hazier and I’m losing control of my feet underneath me. I sit back down on the couch, holding my head in my hands. Am I dreaming or awake?

“What the hell are you talking about? Sandy’s in jail, Jayd, remember?” I look up into Rah’s confused eyes and catch my reflection. I look tore up in the worst way. Oh no, it’s starting. Esmeralda’s getting to me like she got to my mom, and this fool’s presence is weakening what little defenses I’ve got left. This whole situation is turning me into a jealous, angry girl, and I don’t want to be that type of female, but I also can’t simply calm down.

“I meant Trish,” I say, trying to clean up my paranoia. “I know she still wants you and since I’m not giving you any you’ve got to get it from somewhere.” I feel like my mom must’ve felt when she caught my daddy cheating on her: like kicking this fool’s ass.

“Jayd, please. I know you’re not that insecure. You know me and Trish hang out sometimes, nothing more.” I look down at the floor where Rahima’s shifting in her sleep. Everything’s still fuzzy and the clock on the wall’s seemingly moving backward. I really need to get some sleep. I feel like I’m losing my grip on reality. I can’t let this go on for too long, but he needs to feel me.

“Please don’t tell me I just babysat for you while you and Trish went out on a date.” I glance at Rah and momentarily I’m back in my nightmare, walking down the aisle to Rah. But instead of our baby Destiny screaming, it’s Rahima. Just then Rahima screams out in her sleep just like she just did in my vision. I hope my nightmares aren’t contagious, but I know that was no coincidence.

“Jayd, now you know it’s not like that at all. Her brother and I had to take care of some business and yes, she was there, but no, we were not on a date. It’s complicated, baby, you know that.”

“It’s only as complicated as you make it.” I can’t believe I just said that. After the hell I gave Jeremy this morning for saying the same thing, I should be ashamed of myself for using his reasoning. But truth is truth.

“Look, you know the deal between me and Trish. If her brother weren’t my supplier we’d have no reason to see each other, ever. Otherwise I wouldn’t be asking you out for Valentine’s Day, now would I?” I guess Rah expects me to melt at his invitation, but he’s a day late and a dollar short.

“So, does Trish get you the night before, or do we have to split custody of you?” He doesn’t need to know that I already have an offer on the table. I don’t care if Jeremy did ask me out already, Rah should’ve beat him to the punch. And as a girlfriend to neither one of them, I refuse to put all my eggs into one basket. If I did they’d all be rotten by now, if it were left up to Rah doing the right thing.

“Jayd, don’t be like this, please. I’ve got my baby girl back, and we’re working it out. Please, let’s just stay in the moment. I just asked you out, girl.”

“If we stay in this moment I’m going to end up kicking your ass. Damn the date, Rah.”

“Jayd, you’re tripping, you know that, right? First accusing me of being with Sandy, now Trish. What’s up with you tonight?” I would tell him about the dream I had earlier, but I don’t want to fuel his fire. Rah has a way of turning things around when it’s convenient. Rather than let him win this argument—because I know I’m right—I’ll do the next best thing. I choose to retreat.

“You can have the couch. I’ll sleep in my mom’s room,” I say, throwing the pillows and blankets from the small couch at him. “And you don’t need to wake me when you leave in the morning. I’m sure you can see your way out.” I look over my shoulder at Rahima sleeping quietly. She’s not having a nightmare anymore, and for that I’m grateful. I can’t help but feel guilty about her feeling my negative psychic energy, not to mention leaving her in the apartment alone. He doesn’t need to know about that part, either.

Passing up a shocked Rah, I go into the kitchen and swallow the remaining drops of my mom’s sleep tea. I hope I have better luck sleeping soundly than I did earlier. I walk back into the living room and Rah’s stretched himself out on the floor next to his daughter. I guess he’s too tall to sleep on the same couch that fits me perfectly.