Hollywood & Vine (43 page)

“I’m sick of you questioning me, Levi,” she seethed.

Levi pinched his eyes shut. “I’m just looking out for you, Aubrey,” he replied, his voice smooth, not betraying the anger he felt.

“I look out for me, Levi. Did you forget why we entered into this arrangement in the first place? Or have you found another way to repay the huge loan you had to take out to pay restitution to Anders?”

“You know I haven’t,” he answered quietly.

“Well, if you’re not willing to run with this, I’ll find someone who will.”

After several seconds of silence, Levi breathed out a resigned sigh. “I’ll do it.”

“Of course you will.” Aubrey smiled.

Hours after Aubrey’s conversation with Levi, Josie and Madison sat at a bar, each holding a shot of tequila.

“Do you think they’ll keep their mouths shut?” Madison asked, already knowing the chances were slim to none.

Josie gave her a grim smile and shrugged before knocking back her shot. “Not even a little. I’m fucked, Maddie.”

A
nders stumbled through the front door of his cottage, groaning as he stretched the sore muscles in his back. As soon as he’d arrived in Arizona, they’d gone straight to work. The director wanted the scenes done and the crew back in LA as soon as possible to keep expenses low. After two long days, the director and crew were en route back home. Everyone except Anders.

Grabbing the bottle of scotch Nathan had delivered to his room earlier in the day, he poured a generous shot. He winced from the slight burn as the warm liquid slid down his throat. After a second shot, he carried the bottle and his glass into the living room and turned on the lamp.

Setting the bottle on the coffee table, he moved behind the couch and lightly dragged his fingertips over the soft material. The memory of Josie’s laugh suddenly hit him like a punch to the gut. He pinched his eyes shut to block the sound. He wasn’t sure what possessed him to request the same cottage as before or why he decided to stay a few extra days.

Now that he had a chance slow down from his busy schedule, he saw her everywhere. The pain that wrapped around his chest was unexpected and unforgiving. His throat constricted and for a moment he wondered if it was possible to suffocate from it.

“Shit.” He lifted his glass to his mouth and emptied the contents. Steadying himself, he moved in front of the couch and eased onto the cushions. With his elbows on his knees, he leaned forward, his hands hanging between his parted thighs. He tried to make sense of the emotions surging through him. How could just the memory of her laugh cause his knees to buckle? When he thought about them, how they’d fallen apart, he didn’t feel anger like he had for Eva. He felt frustrated. It was stomach-dropping and chest-aching, but the barely-contained rage and hate that had simmered under the surface for Eva, was missing. There was only loss. Emptiness. Incompleteness.

Reaching for the remote, he flipped on the television, half expecting Honey Boo Boo to flash across the screen to torture him once more. He gritted his teeth at his disappointment when it didn’t. Tossing the remote, he grabbed the bottle. His skin itched and his stomach twisted as more memories of Josie played through his mind. He should stop drinking before he did something stupid, but the thought of enduring how he felt a second longer made him want to set himself on fire.

His vision began to swim, the edges softening and blurring. His lips tingled as he dragged his tongue over them. They were full and soft, reminding him of the last time he’d kissed Josie. He groaned and dropped his head to the back of the couch as her image appeared once more.

Convinced his mind and body were telling him to sleep, he pushed off the couch and walked to the bedroom. Stripping down to his boxers, he didn’t bother to shower before falling face first on the bed. He wrapped his arms around the pillow and inhaled. It was ridiculous to think it might smell of her. Her scent had long faded from his home back in LA. His hands would never again smell like her hair after gripping it as he pushed into her.

“
Can I have you?”

“No,” he whispered into the empty room as the vivid image of her pinned beneath him burned behind closed lids.

“
You can have me.”

“Stop.” His plea was choked, and he could have sworn he felt the heat from her skin searing into his.

“
Stay?”

“Fuck.” Salty liquid leaked from the corners of his eyes as he buried his face into the pillow and clenched his jaw.

“
Okay.”

“You lied.” His words were thick and broken, barely intelligible as his body succumbed to the sleep he craved.

For the next few days, Anders spent every second trying to convince himself that his breakdown was nothing more than a momentary lapse. He reasoned that alcohol and fatigue had played tricks on his mind. He refused to accept that Josie had that sort of power over him.

Slipping on his running shoes, he left his cottage and started for the trail to the falls as the sun ascended into the sky. He planned to prove once and for all that he didn’t feel what his heart claimed. By the time he reached the trailhead, sweat beaded along his temples and dripped down his back. His lungs burned as he sucked in hot, gasping breaths of air.

He ripped off his sunglasses, letting them hang from his fingertips as he rested his hands on his knees. Blinking against the harsh glare, he waited for his eyes to adjust to his surroundings. When everything around him became clear, he didn’t bother bracing himself as he fell to his knees.

Everything clicked into place and split at the seams. His eyes stung as flashes of pink cheeks, sun-kissed light brown hair, and blue eyes crashed down every wall he’d erected. Feelings he’d fought picked him apart piece by piece. All at once, nothing made sense, yet everything became crystal clear.

Shaking his head, he did something he never thought he’d do on purpose: he thought about Eva and the day everything fell apart. He wanted to remember. He wanted to experience the pain and heartache that had consumed him after her betrayal. He needed to remind himself why he swore to never allow another person inside his heart. With closed eyes and a clenched jaw he let the memories flood his mind.

The heat of the blistering Arizona sun faded into the background as the scene shifted. Anders was no longer at the top of the falls but in the living room of his old home. The sweet smell of Eva’s perfume burned his nose, and his fists clenched as he watched a younger, more pathetic version of himself plead for answers.

“
What the fuck is this shit, Eva?”

“
Anders, I didn’t mean
―
”

“
Mean to what, Eva? Lie? Cheat? Get caught? Break my fucking heart?”

“
No, baby. It wasn’t like that. Nicholas and I were
―
”

“
Oh, I think it’s pretty fucking clear what you and Nicholas were doing.”

Anders watched the magazine his younger self held fly across the room and land at Eva’s feet. He wanted to storm across the room and slam his fist into the face of the man crying and shaking with rage. He wanted to tell him to man up and walk away, that she wasn’t worth it. But he’d done this for a reason. He brought up this memory because he needed to make whatever he felt for Josie go away. He was desperate to change something he had no control over.

“
Tell me, Eva, was the whole story about Nicholas being gay a lie, or did you just fuck him straight?”

“
Anders, please. Just listen to me.”

“
God, I’m such a fool. You never loved me. All this time. You played me. You fucking played me.”

“
I do love you! You’re my best friend. This is a misunderstanding, I swear.”

“
Are you insane? I’m your best friend? I don’t even know who the fuck you are. Because my Eva, my best friend and the only girl I’ve ever loved, would never have shown up after six years, pretending she loved me the entire time. Why did you do it? Was it money? Modeling? What did I do to you to deserve this?”

“
It wasn’t my idea! Your parents…”

Anders’ stomach dropped and clenched just like it had all those years ago. Her next words would send a sledgehammer straight into his heart. He watched Eva’s eyes widen and her hand fly to her mouth. Again, he wanted to grab his younger self and yank him from the room. Stop what would be the beginning of the end of the person he was.

“
What about my parents?”

“
Anders.”

“
What the fuck do my parents have to do with this, Eva? Answer me goddamn it!”

“
They said you’d changed! That you cut them out of your life and the only
―
”

“
Because they were robbing me blind! They almost took everything! And you…you made me believe…you were all in on it. All of you.”

Anders remembered his rage from that day. The way hate, sadness, and hurt swirled in his head as the pieces clicked together. His stomach lurched, and he had to fight back the bitter burn of bile threatening to expel from his body. He’d heard enough, just like before.

“
Get out.”

“
Please.”

“
Get the fuck out of my house before I throw you out. I’m done with you. I’m done with all of you.”

If only that had been the end of it, maybe Anders could have recovered, picked up the pieces and not let what happened change him. It wasn’t the end, though. Not even close.

Anders gasped as his eyes flew open. The air shimmered as waves of heat bounced off the surrounding rocks. He felt like he’d been transported through time, straight from one nightmare and into another. Reliving the day his life changed, the day he realized he couldn’t trust anyone, changed nothing.

No matter how much he tortured himself with the past, he couldn’t reconcile it with the present. He couldn’t picture Josie doing the things Eva and his parents had done. When he pushed harder, willed his mind to replace Eva’s face with Josie’s, the air left his body in a choked sob.

Unlike with Eva, there was no hate. There was nothing but blackness, numbness, emptiness. It was almost as if everything that made him human was extracted from his shell of flesh and bones and burned to dust. He was soul-shattered and broken, but not an ounce of hate could be found.

He understood then. The reason he couldn’t stand the thought of letting Josie go, why she haunted his dreams and infected his mind. No matter how angry she made him, he couldn’t imagine, even for a single second, ever hating her.

He loved her. He was in love with her. And he’d ruined them. He’d thrown away the one person who wanted him for no other reason than him, even at his very worst. Josie didn’t care about his job or his money or what he could do for her career. She just wanted him.

He planted his hands flat on the dirt-covered rock, paying no attention to the sound of plastic cracking as his sunglasses broke from his weight. Pulling in several deep breaths, he stood and kicked off his shoes. He felt raw. He had no idea what to do.

He loved her. The thought was terrifying. There was also something else, something that made his skin tingle and heart pound, but he was still Anders. He wasn’t going to change overnight. Realizing he loved her didn’t mean he wouldn’t fuck it up anyway. He already had.

Peeling off his shirt, he peered over the ledge to the blue water below. Suddenly Josie was there, a smirk on her lips as she looked over her shoulder before plunging into the water. With a sad smile, he let the memory of that day wrap around him as he hurled himself over the edge. The symbolism, for once, wasn’t lost on him. What he decided to do about it, however, was as clear as the mud sinking under his feet as he touched the bottom.

Back in LA, Josie buried her face in her pillow, attempting to drown out the incessant pounding in her head. She’d spent the weekend in a knot of anxiety, waiting for the other shoe to drop. One day turned to two, and much to her relief, the weekend passed without incident. However, not being outed publically yet did nothing to curb her unease about other parts of her life, like her job. So Monday morning she went straight to Craig as a preemptive measure and confessed her relationship with Anders.

He nodded and said flings with actors were a common occurrence. It hurt Josie to have her relationship labeled as a fling. She understood that Craig would see it that way given Anders’ reputation. Still, it bothered her.

Craig assured her if the relationship became public knowledge, it wouldn’t ruin her career. While the conversation had left her unsettled, at least she didn’t have to worry about becoming unemployed.

She’d picked up her phone a dozen times to text Anders, to warn him there was a possibility their relationship could be outed. She’d even gone so far as to type out a message, but then she remembered how he had attacked her, treated her like shit, and she deleted the message.

If there was one thing she had learned about Anders, it was that he reacted first and asked questions later. She couldn’t handle him looking at her again like he had that night. Because he hadn’t looked
at
her, he had looked
through
her. She’d always prided herself on being strong and sensible, but Anders made her feel like a pathetic schoolgirl. It was the reason she both loved and hated him. He had brought her to life, and then in the blink of an eye made her feel like she had died inside.