Holy Rollers (19 page)

Her agreement came through in a “Praise the Lord.”

They circled through a parking lot and around the auditorium, heading in the general direction of the front steps of the cathedral. Now the voices and music were louder, streaming through the open skylight, and the air was filled with a slightly off-key version of “Climb Every Mountain.”

“What’s with
The Sound of Music
?” she asked.

He stopped and gestured at the auditorium. “This building was recently completed as part of a recent five-million-dollar expansion, and
The Sound of Music
will be the inaugural performance. Only two weeks from now.” A particularly sharp note pierced the air. “Two
long
weeks from now.” He turned to her. “I don’t suppose you sing…”

“I’m afraid not.”

“That’s a pity. We desperately need sopranos. And a new Rolf wouldn’t hurt, either.” He shook the thoughts away; there was no sense dwelling on the negatives. “But I’m sure this show—and the shows to follow—will be a welcome addition to our ministry. By giving the public a version of
The Sound of Music
with a new Christian orientation, we’ll be much better able to meet the spiritual needs of our flock.”

She thought about that. “I thought
The Sound of Music
was
Christian. Aren’t there a bunch of nuns in it?”

Merribaugh rolled his eyes. “The characters were Roman Catholic, if that’s what you mean.”

“But—”

“Here at the Virginia Cathedral of Love, we respect our Catholic friends. But Catholicism isn’t
real
Christianity.”

“It’s not?”

He shook his head, as if wondering why he had to explain this. “Catholicism is a sect that split off from Christianity. With its Pope, and worship of Mary…it’s not real Christianity.”

Constance nodded, as if every word out of his mouth was, well,
gospel
.

“That’s why we had to rewrite
The Sound of Music
. In our version, Maria and the von Trapps are Baptists.”

“And the nuns?”

“Not nuns. Good Christian women, but not nuns.”

“And the Nazis…?”

“Still Nazis.”

Merribaugh began walking again. She moved quickly to catch up and said, “I didn’t know you were allowed to do things like change around the plot of a well-known musical.”

He thought about that. “I don’t know the rules. But our musical director—
there’s
a character—our musical director once had some success doing something similar on Broadway, so I suppose it’s all right.”

“You got someone from Broadway to come to Virginia for this?”

Merribaugh smiled. “He was a fallen man. The Virginia Cathedral of Love and its affiliates have brought him redemption.” Noting the blank look on her face, he decided to explain. It wasn’t as if they had any secrets. “Walter Pomeroy is his name. A few years ago he turned
Annie
, the beloved family musical, into a piece of homosexual propaganda filth called
Andy
, and inexplicably won a Tony Award.”

“I’ve heard of that.” She didn’t bother adding that she’d not only heard of
Andy
, but she and her girlfriend had seen it three times.

Merribaugh continued walking; Constance kept pace.

“But Walter Pomeroy wasn’t a happy man. He had a degree of success, but no happiness. His life wasn’t fulfilling…until the day he happened upon Dr. Hurley’s television show. One thing led to another, and soon, through Project Rectitude…”

“What’s that?”

“Ah!” He stopped again and smiled with pride. “Project Rectitude is the Cathedral’s ministry dedicated to bringing people out of the homosexual lifestyle. Walter Pomeroy is one of that ministry’s most prominent graduates!”

She could now hear “My Favorite Things” coming from the auditorium, which seemed to be particularly inappropriate background music to Merribaugh’s chatter about his ex-gay programming.

“In fact,” the clergyman continued, “Project Rectitude will be hosting a conference soon: Beyond Sin. I expect it will be a defining moment for the ministry.” He turned and looked at her. “Tell me, Sister Constance…”

“Yes?”

“Do you know any homosexuals?”

In her head, to the tune of “My Favorite Things,” a voice sang,
Lambert and Lisa, and me and my girlfriend…
damn song.

“I don’t think so,” she said, trying to think over the earworm. “But I’ll keep my eyes open.”

Merribaugh smiled benevolently. “I’d appreciate that. Every soul we save is a step forward for Project Rectitude.” He leaned a bit closer. “And I don’t forget who my friends are, Sister Constance.”

She smiled back. “I’ll bet you don’t, Mr. Merribaugh. I’ll bet you don’t.”

$ $ $

After Farraday had collected her and returned home, they gathered around the kitchen table for the daily debriefing.

“So tell me how it went,” said Grant.

“Lambert, you need to get yourself a gay.”

Grant smiled. “That’s a strange thing to say in a house full of gays…”

“Hey!”

“And Farraday.”

“Nah, none of
us
,” she said. “Anyway, half of us have already been to the church. But if I could bring them someone they could try to make straight, I’d be golden with Merribaugh!”

Grant didn’t like the idea. Every extra person meant a bigger payroll, as well as the potential for some loose links in the chain. Bad enough he was paying for seven people, a house, a rental car, a lawn service, and a toaster. “I don’t know. There’s gotta be someone we can recruit. Maybe someone in DC…”

“I may know some people,” said Leonard.

“That’s not a good idea,” said Chase, as diplomatically as possible. “How would we know we could trust a stranger?”

“Well,
I’d
know them,” said Leonard.

“But we wouldn’t,” said Grant. “And we outnumber you six to one. So that’s a no.” He looked to Chase. “Do we even
know
anyone we can trust?”

“What about Marika Christian?”

“No. Great on the phone scam, not so much on the inside job. Plus, it’d only complicate things having a straight girl play lesbian.”

“That Green guy we worked with that one time?”

“Who?”

“You remember. Green. That one that was into horror movies.”

“Oh, him. No.”

“Jamie Brock?”

Grant sighed. “Do we really have to go through this again?”

“So Jamie is a no?”

Grant answered with a very unpleasant glare, and Chase took a step back.

They sat for a while, clicking through their mental Rolodexes, but every time someone had a thought, someone else had a second thought. That was the tough thing about trying to find an honest criminal.

It was Chase who finally broke the silence.

“What about Jared Parsells?”

Grant dismissed the suggestion. “We’re looking for someone to play
ex
-gay, not
extra
-gay.”

That got Constance’s attention. “The gayer the better with this crowd. They do
not
do subtle.”

Chase picked up on that. “In that case, we
should
bring in Jared. He’s sort of the opposite of subtle.”

Grant was unhappy. “We don’t need him. We’ll figure something else out.”

Chase offered him a half smile. “Still jealous?”

“I’m not jealous.” Which might have been more convincing if he hadn’t said it a bit too quickly. “Just because you’re into men with the brains and body of a nine-year-old girl, why would I be jealous?”

“Lambert, you sound jealous,” said Constance.

“He doesn’t like him because Jared has a little thing for me,” said Chase.

“I’d say it was mutual,” said Grant. “Inexplicable, but mutual.”

“Also,” Chase continued, “Jared is afraid of Grant.”

“On that, we agree. In fact, that’s Jared’s only redeeming feature.”

“I don’t know,” said Constance. “You know him; I don’t. But from what Chase is saying, this Jared character sounds perfect. If I can bring them a stereotype, I’ll have Merribaugh in my pocket. And then I’ll be in that office, keys and all.”

Grant fixed his eyes on Chase. “Okay, fine. You think Jared can do it, call him. But he’s not getting more than ten grand. And it comes out of your share.”

“Fine,” said Chase as he pulled his phone out of a pocket and dialed.

$ $ $

Jared Parsells looked at himself in the bathroom mirror and smiled. Then he tried out a different smile, one showing slightly more teeth. He didn’t like the second version; his dimples looked better in the first.

The third smile—head bowed slightly down, eyes looking slightly up—also showed off his dimples to great effect, though, so maybe
that
was the best one. Although the third smile might be too seductive, while the first was more playful.

It was hard to make a decision, but he supposed he could always use whichever he needed at the time. Although maybe a fourth variation would do the trick…

So engrossed was he in watching himself smile that he almost didn’t hear Lady Gaga start singing in the living room, but the ringtone eventually attracted his attention and he managed to answer before Chase’s call went to voicemail.

“Hey,” he said, having already seen Chase’s name appear in Caller ID. “Are you in the neighborhood?”

“Hardly,” said Chase. “I’m in Virginia.”

“Virginia?” Jared dropped his slender frame onto the couch. “What are you doing there?”

“I’m on a job. Which is why I’m calling…”

Jared flashed Smile Number Three, even though Chase couldn’t see it. It was all about the attitude. “I thought maybe you were calling because you missed me.”

“That, too. But if you’re interested in making a few bucks, I’ll see you soon enough.”

“Where’s the job?”

“Here in Virginia.”

That didn’t even warrant Smile Number Two. “Sorry, but I don’t go anywhere with ‘virgin’ in the name.”

That statement caught Chase off guard. Mainly because he was shocked Jared knew how to spell Virginia. “Not even for ten thousand dollars?”

“Oh.” He thought that might be worth a smile, but wasn’t sure. “What would I have to do?”

At least Chase wouldn’t have to lie. “Just be yourself.”

Jared thought of all the things ten grand could buy. Maybe he’d even use some of it to pay off a little back rent on his studio. But probably not, because his wardrobe was looking very 2010.

And it wasn’t as if he had anything better to do. Plus, Chase was there, although if Chase was there, that probably meant…

“Is your boyfriend there, too?”

Chase paused, hoping it wouldn’t be a deal-breaker. “Yes, he is.”

“I don’t know…”

“Ten thousand dollars, Jared.”

The young man sighed and rubbed a hand over his flat stomach. It was a lot of money, but…

“Jared?” Chase dropped his voice, his verbal equivalent of Smile Number Three. “It’d be good to see you again. Down here. In Virginia…”

The voice did the trick. Jared had Smile Number Three on his face as he said, “Okay, I’ll go. When?”

Just for good measure, Chase continued in that low purr. “Can you come down tomorrow?” When Jared said he could, Chase gave him all the information he’d need to get to Union Station in DC, hopefully without getting lost.

$ $ $

Chase clicked off the phone and smiled. Across the kitchen table, Grant scowled at him.

“What was with the Barry White routine?” he asked.

He shrugged. “It worked, didn’t it?”

“Remember, that ten thou comes out of your share.”

The front door opened and Lisa and Mary Beth, each carrying four or five shopping bags although every bag was Mary Beth’s, walked into the house.

Grant glanced at his watch. “You’ve been gone long enough.”

Lisa shook her head in the direction of her partner. “It took us a while to find a store with a name that didn’t end in ‘mart.’”

“You’re lucky I finally found a Macy’s,” said Mary Beth, dropping her bags in the middle of the kitchen. “Now can we
please
finish this job and get the hell back to New York? I miss Barneys and Bloomingdale’s.”

“Almost,” said Chase. “We just added one more person to the team. He’ll be here tomorrow.”

Mary Beth snorted. “Typical. Once again, you people have over-manned a job.”

“Yeah, what was I thinking?” said Grant. “You’re man enough for all of us.”

That didn’t faze her. “Maybe when your testicles drop you’ll be able to handle it, too.”

“Bitch.”

“What?!”

“You heard me.”

And then Chase was between them. “Okay, fun’s over. Everyone keep cool so we can work together, which is the only way we’ll walk away with seven million dollars.”