Home From Within (20 page)

During Aunt Lodi’s visit, Jessica was surprised at how much time she wanted to spend with Paul. Even though Aunt Lodi was at her house, waiting to take her on a shopping spree again, she couldn’t get enough of him.

From the day they confessed their love for each other, Jessica felt a shift in their relationship. So much of their love before was patient and gentle, him teaching her things she knew nothing about. But now she felt on fire, too. Passion was the only word that came to mind.

Their kissing and grabbing at each other’s bodies became more intense, to the point that Paul started pulling away and asking if she was all right. Was this her way of telling him she was ready to go all the way?

Jessica was building herself up to that point. She appreciated that Paul always left the decision up to her; when she was ready, he would be too. Paul never made it seem like he would break up with her if she didn’t do what he asked. Jessica overheard horror stories in school about boys who would say. “I love you” to their girlfriends so they would have sex, only to dump them soon after. Sometimes the girls were even called sluts. While Jessica could see most of Paul’s friends, and even his brother Danny doing this, she could not envision that from Paul. He was not made that way, which is one of the traits that drew her to him in the first place.

Jessica and Paul’s bodies were tangled together in the basement as they lay on the couch that was covered by a Bozo the Clown sheet. Danny was at Alicia’s house,
probably having sex,
Jessica thought, and everyone else was at Grandpa Joe’s or running errands.

Paul was stroking her face, tracing her lips with his finger. “I love your lips,” he said as he kissed them ever so slightly.

Jessica smiled as she placed her fingers on his face, stroking around his eyes. “And I love these.” She pulled Paul’s face closer to her lips and kissed each eye gently.

Paul started nibbling on her neck. “God, I love making out with you,” he mumbled.

Jessica suddenly drew back. Paul had never mentioned God’s name in all the time she had known him. In fact, they never discussed religion whatsoever; she was afraid he would be turned off by that conversation. But it was different now. She could ask him anything.

“Do you believe in God?” Jessica asked as his lips continued to make their way up to her ear.

“Um,” he said, pulling himself away to look at her. “I do, but I don’t go to church or anything.”

“Well, you don’t have to go to church to believe in God.”

“I used to go, when I was younger. Aunt Darlene took all of us to her Catholic church, except for Ma. She stopped believing after Marcus’s dad left. Asshole left all of us. We thought he was gonna be the one, the one who was gonna stay.”

“Why did he leave?”

“I’m not sure. But there was a lot of fighting and drinking. Ma was never very good at holding her tongue, as you know.”

“How old were you?”

“I think about nine.” Paul looked far off as if trying to remember. “He was supposed to be one of the coaches on my little league team. But he left me high and dry.” Paul looked back at Jessica. “Got kicked off that team for fighting.” Paul half smiled. “Brian’s dad tried, but we didn’t give him much of a chance—we had already been through three others. Plus he got put in jail. He told Ma he plans on coming back to help her. I think he gets out in ’87 or ’88.”

Jessica saw in Paul a little boy, a boy who also craved love from a dad, but like her, was left standing at the checkout line without a cashier.

“But I’ll tell you one thing,” he said, breaking Jessica’s train of thought. “I will
never
leave my kids. I don’t care if I gotta beg on the corner to support them. I will never abandon them. I will not make the mistake my asshole dad and all the other assholes made after him.”

Jessica placed her hands softly around the sides of his face. “Thank you for telling me that story. And, for the record, you’ll make a great dad someday.”

Paul gave her a halfhearted laugh. “Am I freaking you out, with all this shit?”

“God, no. If anything, it makes me want to be with you even more. I don’t know, it’s weird, but your honesty makes me want you. I mean, the kind of want that has no clothes to confine it.”

Paul looked at her stunned. “Is that your fancy way of saying you want to have sex with me?”

A spark traveled from Jessica’s head to her toes. “I’m getting there.”

Paul smiled and hugged her. “Just tell me when,” he whispered in her hair, “and I will be ready.”

A smile spread over Jessica’s face as she looked out the car window at the setting sun against the businesses that ran along the street to the mall. The conversation with Paul was running fresh in her heart and mind. How much she wanted him made her insides burn, something she never experienced in her life.

“Whatcha thinking about?” Aunt Lodi asked, biting into her thoughts.

Jessica hesitated. “I was thinking about all the great stuff we’re going to buy tonight. And how grateful I am to have you.”

“Thank you, honey. That’s sweet to hear.” Aunt Lodi paused and her tone changed. “But really, Jessica, what were you thinking?”

Jessica turned and looked at her. Aunt Lodi had a small smile as she took a quick glance her way. “I can feel something different in you. Your energy has changed . . . for the better, I think.”

Jessica tried to suppress the shock her face was clearly projecting. But then she quickly questioned herself; why did she have to hide this from Aunt Lodi?

Colt .45s, that’s why.

“Well,” Jessica said, carefully picking her words, “there’s a boy at school who likes me.”

“Wonderful! Tell me more.”

“He doesn’t know I know, at least not yet. Dad would never approve.”

They sat in silence for a minute.

“You’re right about your dad. But dating is what you do in high school. Seeing what’s out there, who’s compatible for you. Maybe I should talk to him.”

“No!” Jessica said. This was exactly what she was afraid of—too much exposure. It would be harder to stay under the radar if her father had an inkling that someone liked her. “Please don’t ever mention this conversation to him. I already know the rules: no dating until I’m twenty-one.”

“For Christ’s sake, you’re sixteen now. This is supposed to be the time.”

Jessica looked at her with pleading eyes. “Dad doesn’t see it that way. But I’m fine with it. I don’t really like him that much anyway. It was just nice knowing someone likes me.”

After a few moments, Aunt Lodi spoke. “I won’t do anything you don’t want me to. I would feel terrible looking at your frightened face all the time.”

“Thank you,” Jessica said, trying to breathe in a regular fashion again.

“Just tell me one thing,” Aunt Lodi said. “If you could date this boy now, if your dad was fine with it, would you?”

Jessica thought hard about this question, once again measuring her words. “Maybe, yes.”

Jessica watched the corner of Aunt Lodi’s mouth turn up. “I’m glad to hear you haven’t lost the spirit of finding love.” They sat in an uncomfortable silence before Aunt Lodi spoke again. “I feel deep within that you will have a great love someday. Maybe even two.”

Aunt Lodi’s visit was too short once again, but Jessica reveled in the fact that this time, compared to all the other times Aunt Lodi left, she did not have the heavy sinking feeling that consumed her entire being. Paul was the reason, the only reason.

As the days passed, Jessica embraced her alter ego who was cheering her to move forward with Paul. But certain thoughts continued to immobilize her. Number one, she knew nothing about sex. At Mary Carter’s school, unlike public or private institutions, sex education was not part of the curriculum. And at Heritage when sex education was being taught in health, Jessica had come down with the flu and missed the entire section. She thought about doing some research in the school library, but was afraid someone she knew would walk up for casual conversation, only to discover her deviant ways. She also thought of having Marilee call Julie at college for information and advice, but Jessica could not bring herself to expose her deep, dark secret to Marilee. Ohmigod, Jessica thought,
I’m keeping a secret.
All her life, keeping secrets was pounded into her head as being a big no-no.
Was this secret in the same category?
she wondered. As quickly as the erratic thoughts twisted her thinking, a warm calm washed them away; how could being in love ever be lumped in with something not safe?

Jessica made her decision. The night she was to attend the school play would be the night she would give all of herself to Paul,
a surprise,
she thought.
Didn’t he say he wanted to be surprised?
Jessica finally asked Danny if any night of the week they would all be out of the house. Danny didn’t seem to care why and told her Friday. In her estimation, she would get dropped off at the play ten minutes before it started. She would have plenty of time to walk to Paul’s house, and then (her cheeks started to burn) have sex,
which could last for maybe an hour?
With at least forty-five minutes to spare, she could make it back to school and walk out with everyone from the auditorium. Paul would be completely surprised. Jessica could barely hold in her titillation as she grabbed her pillows and squeezed them tight in her bed.