Home From Within (18 page)

Jessica slid out of bed and sat on the bench under her window, taking notice of the brilliance of the moon, completely round and bright. She prayed to God while looking at the night sky, believing that her prayer would be more likely to be heard the closer she was to nature’s beauty. Jessica’s prayer for Paul and his family was to find harmony, serenity, and the Polish cleaning ladies.

C
hapter
15

But today, Dee Dee was curled up on the worn-out tan couch in the basement watching
Jeopardy,
sipping on something she called a hot toddy. She was fighting her yearly bronchitis infection.

Jessica noticed that sometimes Dee Dee would call Paul, “Pa.” When she inquired about why, Paul just shrugged his shoulders. Finally, after six months, Jessica mustered up the courage to ask her.

“Damn, that boy’s thinkin’ he’s everybody’s daddy,” Dee Dee puffed out after a coughing attack.

“But that boy ain’t nothin’ compared to my daddy. Paul calls him Grandpa Joe—now he’s a real ass.” She coughed hard into her blanket then took a swig of her drink. “Me and him get along, then we don’t. He thinks he can be the boss of me. I hate people who tell me what to do.”

Paul was in the kitchen making ramen noodles for dinner while his brothers were yelling and wrestling upstairs. Dee Dee banished the boys from their room in the basement so she could get better in peace. Paul thought it would be less chaotic downstairs, so Jessica sat on the least stained orange chair keeping his mother company.

“What’s your daddy like?” Dee Dee coughed.

Jessica had never been asked that directly. “Well, he’s muscular and athletic.”

Dee Dee drank some more before asking, “But what’s he like?”

Jessica wanted to give an answer that was loyal, even though her insides were not completely agreeing. “He is confident, intelligent, and very responsible.”

There was a minute of silence before Dee Dee said, “So that’s why you came lookin’ for Paul.”

Jessica gave her a quizzical look.

“Cuz your daddy sounds like an ass, just like mine.” Dee Dee finished her drink and asked Jessica to go upstairs and have Paul make her another. Jessica really wanted to find out what she meant by “came lookin’ for Paul” and could not wait to get back downstairs to ask. But Paul had other ideas.

He grabbed Jessica and started to kiss her in the kitchen, in front of Danny. Jessica pulled away, embarrassed that he would do that in front of someone. Danny was eating a donut sandwich—a donut on top of donut with Cool Whip in the middle—and looking at a comic book, not paying them any attention.

“Stop,” she whispered, shooting a look Danny’s way.

Paul look dejected. “Here,” he said and handed her the drink. Jessica felt bad but was still uncomfortable with public displays of affection.

Jessica gave Dee Dee the mug full of what smelled like alcohol and sat back down. Dee Dee was yelling out the correct answers to
all
the
Jeopardy
questions. At the commercial break, Jessica wanted to ask Dee Dee what she meant but too much time had passed, and she became shy.

“That’s a pretty necklace.”

Jessica’s hand reached up and grabbed the two small hearts attached to a silver chain that hung around her neck. It had replaced the necklace Aunt Lodi had given her. “Thanks. It’s my Christmas present from Paul.”

“Did he just give that to you? I ain’t ever seen that on you.”

“Well yes, two months late. It took him a while to save up his money.”

Jessica watched Dee Dee smile for the first time since she had been with her in the basement.

“Paul’s a good boy. No wait,” she said, holding out her wiry arm, “man. He helped pay our bills so many times. None of my boy’s daddies stuck around, but Paul, he comes through even when I think we’re not gonna make it.”

An overwhelming feeling of love for Paul engulfed Jessica because Dee Dee’s words strengthened the feelings of desire she had for him. Maybe she was not being as open as she could be and now thought she may have come across as a prude earlier in the kitchen.

“Do you need anything else?” Jessica asked.

Dee Dee coughed hard into her blanket and shook her head. Jessica told her she had to get ready to leave, hoped she felt better, and would see her next week.

Dee Dee gave a good-bye wave as Jessica climbed upstairs, even though she had fifteen more minutes before she really had to leave. Marcus and Brian were drinking Kool-Aid and eating noodles and donuts in the kitchen while Danny was nowhere in sight. Paul was lying on his bed in the back porch watching
Jeopardy
too. He looked like a little boy, curled up fetal style under his blankets, pillow folded in half to support the side of his head. The temperature in the back porch was much colder than the rest of the house.

“Paul,” Jessica said, standing by the doorway.

He looked up. “Hey, how’s Ma?”

“She seems a little better. Funny you guys are watching the same show.”

Paul gave a small grin. “She gives me a run for my money but sometimes I can beat her.”

Jessica smiled and sat down on the edge of his bed. Paul rolled over on his back, folding his arms under his pillow, and looked at Jessica. She put her hand on his leg. “I’m sorry about earlier.”

Paul looked at her funny. “Earlier?”

“Remember, when you tried to kiss me in front of Danny?”

“No biggie, I forget you don’t like kissing in front of people.

Jessica suddenly felt like she was some sort of control freak, having all these rules Paul needed to remember just to be with her. Why did she have to be so complicated? Jessica looked at this boy she loved and coveted, then lifted her leg over his body so she could straddle him, leaning down to kiss him hard. It took Paul by surprise and he barely got his arms out from under the pillow to take a hold of her waist. Jessica started pushing the blanket from his body so she could lie on top of him. She laid her body on his as she found a way under his shirt to caress his chest. Then she moved her hand down, past his stomach, toward the top of his jeans and rubbed back and forth until she unbuttoned the top button and slowly unzipped the zipper. Paul bucked forward, thrusting his erection against her hand. Jessica had done this before but had stopped when she saw how hard his penis had become, not wanting to be a tease.

But at that moment, she wanted to show Paul that she really did love him and was not the control freak she made herself out to be.

Jessica pulled the blanket over their bodies in case his brothers came in and started to stroke him from the outside of his jeans. Paul was highly aroused and kissed Jessica passionately. Cautiously, she slid her hand beneath his underwear, but the tightness of his jeans made it hard to go any farther. Paul started pushing his jeans down, so Jessica helped. Once his jeans were knee level, she placed her hand on top of his underwear and rubbed. This was the first time she had been this close to him. While she’d initially felt this was something she had to do to please him, she could not deny the excitement overcoming her body. Paul was obviously feeling a lot of pleasure, which made Jessica even more excited. He reached and pushed a side of his underwear down. Jessica played follow-the-leader and did the same on the other side. Even though her hand was not yet on his penis, she could feel it throbbing. Knowing it was too late to turn back, she laid her hand on the warm hard body part and stroked it softly, not sure what else to do. Paul put his hand on hers, helped her hold it tight and made a quick up-and-down motion. He did not let go until she had a steady rhythm. Jessica had no idea what would happen next, but she was sure it was going to be good because Paul was making small grunts and telling her to slow down or speed up.

When it was all over, Jessica felt grossed out. She had no idea that a big mess would occur. Maybe if she’d known she could have prepared with paper towels and a wet wipe. Paul was the happiest she had ever seen him.

“You are awesome,” he said, sitting up and kissing her again and again. Jessica held her hand high, frozen in place as she tried not to touch anything with it.

“Hold on,” he said, as he reached over the side of the bed, pulling out a Kleenex box. He gave her a bunch and helped her wipe off the stuff, then cleaned off his stomach and balled up one of the blankets and threw it on the floor.

“I’m shocked you did that,” he said as he adjusted his clothes.

Jessica was about to say that she did it because she loved him but suddenly realized that twenty minutes had passed. She was going to be five minutes late getting home. Jessica jumped out of bed and ran to the front room, throwing on her winter coat, mittens, and scarf. Paul followed behind with his jeans unbuttoned, helping adjust her backpack.

“Are you late?”

“I have to go,” Jessica said and ran out the front door, catching a glimpse of Danny in a car parked across the street. She thought she saw Alicia in that car too.

On her way home, she kept opening and closing her glued hand, nervous her father would spot the evidence right away. Jessica thought touching a boy’s penis would get her fifteen to life and Paul would get death if her father had anything to do with sentencing. Jessica ran half the way home and was only three minutes late but her father was on the front porch as she approached.

“Where were you?”

“Sorry I’m late. I forgot my mittens in my locker and had to run back to get them.”

Her father gave her a stern look. “Let me see your Mace.”

Jessica took off the mitten of her clean hand, unzipped her coat, and dug it out of the front of her jeans.

“No,” he barked. “You’ll be in someone’s car before your fingers even touch the canister. The Mace stays in your hand as you walk home, got it?” Before Jessica could answer, her father walked back into the house. Jessica realized she’d forgotten to take off the necklace. Panicking, she quickly unfastened the clasp and plopped it in the front pocket with her Mace, then walked into the warm aroma of pot roast and homemade biscuits.

On the way to school the next day, it crossed Jessica’s mind to tell Marilee everything, but she was scared Marilee would judge her. Even though they were best friends, Jessica had shameful thoughts about how she’d behaved.
What would Marilee think or say about her touching Paul’s penis and making that white stuff come out?
Jessica didn’t feel her self-esteem could weather an attack from the only friend she had. Instead, the girls talked about all the boys Marilee thought were cute, French kissing versus regular kissing, and gossip at school—normal high school stuff.

After their last encounter, Paul was putting more pressure on Jessica to move the relationship to full throttle. He continued to be respectful of the word
stop,
but he’d changed from being patient and gentle, to acting, simply put, on fire. There was romantic music playing when Jessica entered his home and sometimes even candles burning, which concerned her as his brothers could bump into one and start a fire. She didn’t touch his penis again, to his obvious disappointment, but stuck with the old game plan, kissing and rubbing fully clothed bodies next to each other. Jessica could feel Paul getting bored and impatient and was unsure how long she could continue the old way of making out. And now that Danny’s girlfriend Alicia was coming around, flirting with Paul right in front of her, Jessica felt there was a greater need to put their relationship on higher ground.

Springtime entered gently with warmer days becoming more frequent. The burly limbs of trees were covered with small budding leaves, and daffodils and tulips did not stay hidden any longer. Jessica loved the smell of spring and all its newness. It made her feel empowered and reminded her of last spring, when she’d made a decision to take more control over her life, accepting Paul’s plan to be together.