Home From Within (36 page)

Jason looked at them and quirked his eye. “Man, you guys love horses. I just don’t get it.”

Jessica looked toward the back, which led to an enclosed dirt arena outside where many men had gathered their teams. Some talked and others loaded their horses onto stock trailers to drive back home. Jessica could see Matt, and who she believed were some of his brothers, and his father, who did not compete this year. They were talking with a group of overweight men, who wore caps on their heads and sleeveless shirts.

“Next year,” Jessica said, and the four of them stepped out of the stuffy arena and into the cool night air.

Later that night, after saying good night to Paulina and Jason, Aunt Lodi mentioned she was surprised by Jessica’s out of character response to Matt’s grief.

“I don’t know what came over me,” Jessica said. “One minute I’m listening to him, the next I’m in his arms. My tears came up so fast that I couldn’t control them.”

“Controlling tears is not what you should be practicing anyway. How do you expect to heal when you’re still smothering your feelings?”

Jessica had no answers for that. In fact, she was searching for an answer as to why she would allow herself to be in Matt’s arms in the first place. She was also searching on how to erase the reality that it felt really calming.

When the state fair came around the following year, Jessica’s plan was to avoid Matt, fearing her body would give away that she wanted to be closer to him than any man since Paul. That was a feeling and action she was not willing to take a risk on. But Aunt Lodi would not have it.

“I know what you’re trying to do, and it’s not going to work. I won’t let you deny something that can bring you
and
Paulina some true happiness.”

Matt was talking to a group of men when Jessica, Aunt Lodi, Paulina, and Jason walked up to his stall.

“Hey there,” Matt said. “It’s good to see all of you.”

Everyone greeted Matt, but Jessica lost her ability to speak. She had planned on saying hello and making small talk, then walking away, but she felt a warmth flow through her veins and even a small knot form in her gut. Matt was likeable. In fact, Matt made her think about things that she had only reserved for Paul.

“Jessica,” Matt said. “It’s really good to see you again.”

Jessica grinned with embarrassment and then said hello.

“You look great, Matt. I mean really, you have a spark of life in those eyes of yours again,” Aunt Lodi remarked.

Matt thanked her and told them about his life now. That he had spent the last year throwing his time back into his farm and the horses, and partnered with a charity in Anne’s honor.

“I have to move forward,” Matt said. “Anne would want me to.”

Jessica noticed that Matt sent those words towards where she was standing. As Jessica looked up, she became engaged in Matt’s eyes, struggling to pull away even after Aunt Lodi suggested they take another walk.

“I’d like that. What about you, Jessica?” Matt asked.

Jessica hesitated and looked at Paulina, afraid that she would see how transparent her feelings were for Matt. Even though Paulina knew nothing about Paul, Jessica felt a sense of loyalty towards his memory because of Paulina.

“Go, Mom,” Paulina said, while Jason gave a smirk that reminded her of when he would get into trouble by their mother for misbehaving when their father was gone. Jessica finally relented.

They walked and talked for two hours, and Jessica realized how much she missed the attention of a man. And Matt felt so strong to her. She loved his size and that he was in good shape but not like a weight lifter; his muscles were more natural because of his profession.

Matt took her for ice cream, and they sat on a picnic table eating while many balding men and a few chubby women stopped to chat with him.

“You’re a popular guy,” Jessica said while they caught a brief break from the steady stream of people.

“That’s what you get when you’ve been in a small town your whole life. And I’ve been coming here since I was a baby. Many of those old timers knew me when I was holding a bottle.”

Jessica found solace in that thought, and her body started to let its guard down. Her muscles, including her heart, relaxed and she felt, for a fleeting moment, carefree.

As they were walking back to the horse barn, Matt asked if he could call her sometime.

“I like your company. And you understand how I feel about everything, you know, with Anne.”

Jessica was on uneven ground, scared to say yes but afraid to say no. Remembering Aunt Lodi’s words, she finally decided to push herself to take a chance.

“Okay,” she said with a tight smile.

When they returned to the barn, they exchanged information, Matt placing it directly into his phone.

Before Jessica left to join the others on the risers to watch the competition, Matt thanked her again for being such a good listener and added, with some redness on his ears, “You make me feel joyful again.”

Matt called her two days later, and they talked on the phone for two hours, and a week after that, three. After spending two months talking, Matt finally asked Jessica on a date. Beads of perspiration gathered along her hairline, and she could not cool down the flames of heat that tore through her body after hearing those words.

“Uh,” was the only response she could muster.

“I really like you. I think this is the most I’ve talked to anyone in my whole life.”

Jessica laughed and started to feel the fire getting doused by comfort.

“All right, Matt. I think it would be good for me too,” she finally said.

Matt picked her up on a Saturday evening and took her to dinner at Murphy’s Pub. Jessica had never gone, even though most of her former college classmates hung out there. Matt’s farm was in the opposite direction of the pub and Aunt Lodi’s, but he insisted on picking Jessica up.

Jessica’s room was strewn with clothes and shoes that had been tried on again and again. Looking at Aunt Lodi, Jessica finally said, “I don’t think I can do this. Look at me, I’m a mess.”

“You’re just nervous, and that’s to be expected. But you owe it to yourself to give his company a try. Come on,” Aunt Lodi said, placing her hands on Jessica’s shoulders and leading her away from the mirror and toward the bathroom. “Your clothes are perfect; now let’s fix that hair of yours, maybe a little makeup, and off you go.”

Matt, holding a fist of flowers, was met at the door by Paulina and Aunt Lodi.

“These are for you,” he said, giving some to each of the girls.

“Thank you so much, Matt,” Aunt Lodi gushed, and Paulina gave him a big smile and said this was the first time getting flowers from a boy.

“I think one day we’ll have to scare the boys away from you,” Matt said to Paulina, giving Aunt Lodi a quick wink.

Aunt Lodi opened her mouth to say something, but the sound of heels clicking on the wooden stairs made her turn her head. Jessica was dressed in dark jeans with a black cap sleeve top that had lace running through the overlay and her golden hair falling around her face in loose curls. Matt’s mouth dropped open, and Jessica took some pride in that.

When she reached the bottom of the stairs, she looked at Matt, whose mouth was still hanging open, and gave a cautious grin. Aunt Lodi finally broke the silence. “Well, don’t you look gorgeous? Doesn’t she, Matt?”

“Yes, ma’am,” he finally said.

After a few more seconds of heavy silence, Matt shook his head. “I’m so sorry to be just standing here staring at you, but, well, you look so beautiful.”

Jessica’s cheeks colored as she said, “Thanks.”

“Usually I see you at the fair and you don’t look like this . . . not that ‘this’ is a bad thing, I mean . . . well . . .”

“I think it’s time for you guys to get going,” Aunt Lodi said as she pushed them both toward the door. “Now don’t worry about the time. Paulina and I will be just fine. You two go and have yourselves a
great
night.”

And Jessica did have a great night. Matt was easy to be around; he nourished her spirit because of his simple ways and he made her feel safe.

They walked the marina after dinner, even though it was dark and slightly chilly. Jessica was thankful she had brought a sweater, and Matt helped her put it on. While they walked, Jessica found herself being drawn toward his body, wanting her shoulder to push up against his, aching for some warmth.

“Can I hold your hand?” Matt asked after they had been walking for a few minutes.

Jessica looked up at his face, at those brown eyes that looked inviting in the light from the lamp above, and nodded yes.

This was the first time she had willingly placed her hand in another man’s since Paul. There was an ache in her chest and her gut, but the touch felt liberating because it brought an instant rush of happiness. Happiness that only male companionship could bring, that only Matt could bring.

After dating a year, Matt asked for her and Paulina to move in with him. Jessica was thankful he did not ask for marriage, even though he had peppered her with questions about what her father’s reaction would be to their relationship. Jessica skated around the edges, finally admitting that her father knew nothing about him yet.

“Why?” Matt asked.

“I don’t talk to him like that. You know, about us. I use distractions in my relationship with him, specifically Paulina.”

After a few minutes of silence, Matt finally spoke. “Are you sure that he killed Paul?”

“If you’re asking if I saw a dead body? No. But I don’t need a body to know, in my heart, what was done.”

“Jessica, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but I’m not sure I want to meet your dad.”

Jessica nodded and savored in the truth. “Aunt Lodi’s going to tell him about you and about us moving in together. Coming from her is our safest bet.”

Matt’s eye widened. “Can you tell me when, so I can arm myself, you know, have my shotgun next to the bed?”

Jessica smirked, but behind it were wounds that all too often seeped out from under the flimsy bandages she placed on herself. After a few minutes, Matt squeezed her hand and Jessica returned the pressure.

“I’m sorry about Paul. I know how much you loved him.”

Jessica lifted her eyes. “And I’m sorry about Anne. You also lost your love.”

Matt smiled gently and then wrapped his other hand around their hands.

“I think Paul and Anne are together looking down on us with smiles.” Then he drew their wrapped hands toward his mouth and placed a tender kiss on them.

“Jess, he sounds wonderful,” Marilee said after staying silent for well over fifteen minutes.

Jessica grinned, trying not to let the image of Matt outside of Paul’s home ravage her.

“You know, I made a lot of mistakes, but I really regret not telling you about what Paul and I were doing in high school. Sometimes I think if I had told you, things wouldn’t have gone as far as they did with him.”

“You were lonely, and in love. I don’t blame you one bit. And your parents’ shipping you off was not your fault.”

A ripple of gratitude ran through Jessica. “After all these years of not seeing each other, you still are the best friend I’ve ever had.”

Marilee held up her can of Diet Coke. “Cheers, my BFF, to new beginnings together.”

They clinked their drinks, and Jessica asked how to get Matt back. Marilee gave her ideas, even grabbing her laptop and searching “how to reclaim your man,” but in the end, Jessica decided it would occur to her and her alone, when the time was right.

The girls made plans for Marilee to visit Jessica the following week, which was her spring break from school. The hugs were relentless, but Jessica finally pulled away, ready to return to her mother’s home.

On her walk back, Jessica looked up at the maple, elm, and white oak trees that had smiled upon her when she was birthed from her insulated youth freshman year. In the quiet of the late afternoon, Jessica stepped onto the front porch of the house she grew up in, with the sun lowering itself behind, and felt home.

C
hapter
28

Her mother was sitting on the wicker love seat on the front porch as Jessica placed her duffel bag into her truck. She walked toward her mother, smoothing her hand over the white paint on the wooden railing.

“You know, this was the first time I’ve been back since I was sent to Aunt Lodi’s.”

“I know,” her mother stated matter-of-factly. “You’ve been missed.”

After many minutes of silence, Jessica spoke up. “I always wondered about that picture by your nightstand, the one in a silver frame.”

“What have you wondered?”

“Who’s in the picture?”

“My father is holding me on my baptism, and his mother took the picture.”