Home From Within (9 page)

“No, who?”

“Donna Double D. Do you think she’s pretty?”

“Like
no.
Do you see how much makeup she paints on her face? Like a flippin’ clown.”

Jessica smiled but felt sad around the edges. “I think they’re having sex. Donna’s in my computer class. I overheard her say that she and her boyfriend have sex all the time and that they went to the beach one night and did it like four times in a row.”

“Is that even possible?” Marilee asked.

“I don’t know.”

“Jess, you know I think you and Paul would be great together, but I think you pining away for him isn’t good for you. You don’t have that easy feeling about you anymore.”

Jessica felt tears come to the surface. “But I like him so much. Do you know how hard it is to like someone and they really like you back but you can’t be together because your father might kill him? And not just the
kidding
kill him but the
for real
kill him.”

Marilee put her hand on top of Jessica’s. “I’m sorry. I wish you could live with me, but I can’t date until my sophomore year.”

“Well at least that’s in a couple months. I can’t date until I’m twenty-one, which is in forever.”

“Having a lover’s spat?” came a voice from the end of the table. It surprised Jessica to see Paul there with one of his friends. Marilee’s hand was still on Jessica’s as she pulled it off slowly.

“No, we were just talking about how boys can be real assholes.”

“Oh,” Paul said. “Well, I hope you’re not talking about me.”

Jessica couldn’t take it. Without thinking, she jumped up and headed outside. Her strides were quick as she made her way out the stainless steel door and onto the cement courtyard. The brightness of the sun blinded her but that didn’t slow her pace. As she passed the benches full of students and was making her way to the baseball field, she felt a pull on her arm; swinging around, she saw Paul holding onto her sleeve.

“Just leave me alone, Paul. I can’t pine away for you anymore.”

“Jessica, please stop.”

Jessica tugged her shirt sleeve away from Paul’s grip. “I can’t keep watching you with all these girls. I just can’t do it anymore.”

“Let’s talk over there,” Paul said as he motioned toward the bleachers by the baseball diamond.

Jessica didn’t move, but her tears kept falling despite her desperate wish they go back inside. She hated crying in front of anyone; it made her feel so vulnerable.

“Come on, there’s hardly anyone over there,” Paul said with a concerned look on his face.

She moved away from him. It was too easy to brush up against him and forget how hurt she really felt.

The baseball field had randomly placed puddles from the spring rainstorm that had come through the night before, and all the bleachers contained small groups of students who were eating lunch and talking. Jessica and Paul ended up on a small section of the bleacher at the very bottom, hoping this put them out of the range of gossip.

Paul stared at Jessica as she continued to wipe away any hurt she showed him.

“Did I do something to you?” he asked.

“No . . . well, yes.” Jessica took a deep breath and touched the necklace Aunt Lodi gave her.

“I feel stupid right now. You did nothing wrong. It’s me.”

Paul looked at her unconvinced. “So is that why you said you can’t, ‘pine away,’ for me anymore?”

Jessica felt embarrassed. “Look, you’re free to be with anyone you want. We’re not together.”

“You can change that.”

“What? Oh, you mean sneaking around?”

Paul looked at her intensely. “Do you know how easy it could be? On our half days you could tell your parents you have stuff at school so you have to stay the whole day. Or we could change our schedules in the computer to show that we have study hall at the end of the day even though we don’t.”

Jessica lifted her face to smell the spring breeze. It made her feel like she needed a fresh start. “On the computer?”

“Yeah, on a day when the lady lets you enter the attendance you can change your schedule.”

“How do you know about this?” asked Jessica.

Paul’s devilish smile came out again. “Let’s just say I had a class or two adjusted.”

“And your grades?”

“No. I’m not that stupid. Plus my grades are fine.”

Jessica stared long and hard at Paul. The idea of changing her schedule sounded so appealing. And it sounded easy to do but not now. Her parents would question it immediately.

“I could never do that now. It’s too late in the year. My parents would investigate that in a second.”

“You could do it for sophomore year. We’re gonna pick our new schedule in the next couple weeks. You could add last period study hall to both of ours in the computer, print it out, and show it to your parents.”

Jessica could hardly contain the mix of feelings running around her body and brain. “What would we do? Where would we go? I can’t be wandering around the neighborhood for my parents to see.”

“That’s easy,” he said with a smile. “My house.”

My house
did not sound like a safe idea to Jessica. In fact, it downright scared her. Even though she felt more comfortable around Paul, she knew he had way more experience with relationships, more specifically sex. She was not ready for that adventure yet.

“Uh, who’s home at your house?”

“Depends on the day. Sometimes my brothers, my mom . . . sometimes nobody.”

Jessica started to pick the cuticles of her nails.

“Jessica, I’m not bringing you to my house to do anything you don’t wanna do. I’m not that kinda guy.”

“What kinda guy are you, Paul?”

He laughed. “I’m not sure how to answer that, but if I like somethin’ I go for it. Like with you.”

Jessica hid her grin, not really understanding why Paul chose her in the first place.

“Would you ever take my hat or mittens and make me chase you to get them back?”

“Well, that’s something I did when I was nine, but if that makes you happy, then sure.”

The bell rang as they continued to smile at each other on the bleachers.

“Can I do something?” Paul asked.

“What?”

“Kiss you?”

Ohmigod.
Jessica had never been kissed before, and she did not want Paul to know how bad of a kisser she was going to be. She was hoping to get some practice by kissing her pillows.

“Don’t you have a girlfriend?” she asked.

“Yeah, you.”

“I know you’re with Donna.”

“Donna? The cheerleader?” Paul laughed out loud. “I’m not with Donna. My buddy Freak Boy is. I did have to help her out one day when this guy kept buggin’ to go out with her. Freak Boy went in rehab and asked me to watch over her in school.”

Jessica felt relieved and stupid because she completely misread certain events.

“So you and Donna are not going out?”

“No,” said Paul shaking his head. “Not my type.”

Jessica felt one step closer to kissing Paul, but it didn’t feel right to do it outside where everyone could see.

“Not yet, okay?”

Paul looked disappointed. “Okay. Are you good with changing our sophomore schedules to show we have study hall last period?”

Jessica knew this step was taking her out of her father’s grip and placing her into the unknown. While she worried for Paul’s safety, her being in a relationship was a normal part of teenage life. And all she desperately wanted to be was normal.

“I’ll do it. You’ll have to tell me how when the time comes.”

Paul grabbed her hand and held it tight as they made their way back to school. “This is gonna be great,” he said.

Jessica returned the pressure of his grip. Holding on was all she could do.

C
hapter
9

As Jessica sat in the car waiting for Aunt Lodi, her father handed her a list of don’ts. Once again, makeup was on the list.
So much for “letting go,”
Jessica thought.

“Be honest. You’ve been sneaking out clothes,” Aunt Lodi said as they drove away.

Jessica didn’t want to lie. “Yes. I change at Marilee’s. She and Julie do my laundry and give me clean clothes and shoes to wear.”

“Honey, I understand. I would be doing the same thing. Crazy, sending you to school looking like a boy. These should be some of the best years of your life.”

That statement made Jessica feel much better about her choice to change her schedule. Aunt Lodi was right. This is the time to be young and adventurous.

“Will you be here when Dad talks to me about the family tree?”

“I wish I could, but I need to get back to the reservation. I need to help plan our planting celebration.” Aunt Lodi looked over at Jessica. “But that’s his story to tell.”

“And you have your own?”

“Of course, silly. We all have our own stories. You have a story too.”

Jessica never thought of it like that. She didn’t think she would have a story until she got married and had kids of her own.

“But I’m only fifteen.”

“Fifteen years of a story. Some of it you don’t remember, but that’s where the people around you come in. They fill you in on the little details of your unconscious life. Your conscious life is easier to translate because you’re a willing participant—well, for the most part.” Jessica noticed Aunt Lodi’s face saddened.

“I saw a picture of you and Dad on his nightstand. You were on horses in the winter. Trees and snow were all around you.”

Jessica could see that Aunt Lodi was searching the archives for a spark of recognition.

“Oh, is it the one where the sky sits so low you could touch it?” Aunt Lodi asked.

“Yes. I thought the same thing.”

“Oh sure,” Aunt Lodi said slowly. “We loved those horses.”

“Where were you?”

She hesitated for a minute. “In the UP, on a friend’s farm.” Silence fell until Jessica spoke up again.

“Can you tell me about it?”

Jessica saw Aunt Lodi wipe away a tear. “You know, honey, me and your dad have stories that intertwine, even braid. But I don’t feel right telling you that one without him being here.”

“Maybe you can tell it when we get home.”

“I think your dad has his own plan, this weekend in the office. But when you do meet, honey, go slow with the questions.”

Jessica mulled over that thought and then asked why.

“Because your father doesn’t like to talk about the past. But I will tell you this,” Aunt Lodi said, trying to compose herself. “That picture was taken when something we lost was returned to us. And for the first time in a long time, me and your dad felt complete.”

Jessica let the statement roll in her head, trying to figure out how lost they could have been.

The Piper Mall was
the
place to hang out if you were a teenager. Although Jessica had only been to the mall twice, once with Marilee and once with her father, she heard many stories in school about it. One story she had overheard was about a secret stairwell that kids made out in. As she and Aunt Lodi walked through the crowded corridors, Jessica envisioned her and Paul in the secret stairwell. In her fantasy, she was a great kisser because of all her practice on the pillows. Even Paul was impressed.

All teenagers were supposed to be embarrassed to be with an adult at the mall, but Jessica did not mind. She was ecstatic about getting a wardrobe she didn’t have to sneak out. Shirts that would be accepted into the Turner home were easy to find. Jeans, however, were not. Aunt Lodi had Jessica try on twenty different styles and sizes, but it all amounted to the same flaw: too tight.

“I don’t think we’re going to get around this,” Aunt Lodi said with a disappointed tone. She stared at the three pairs in her hands. “These were the loosest although that’s a stretch. I’ll buy them but keep the receipt just in case.”

Jessica took advantage of the shopping opportunity to get some cooler looking underwear. She felt so embarrassed when she changed in the locker room. All the girls had sexy-looking bikini briefs, one even wore a thong. But Jessica had what amounted to granny panties.

While changing in the locker room, some girls started laughing while looking Jessica’s way. She ignored them like she usually did, assuming they were talking about someone else, but one of them yelled at her, “Hey, did you borrow those from your Grandma?”

Jessica had no idea what she was talking about. Borrow what? Jessica’s hands started trembling. They were making fun of her.

“I guess she doesn’t want to answer you,” a girl with a loud squeaky voice said.

“Hey, you, did you hear me? Nice granny panties.”

As her heart pounded in her chest, she jumped at the sound of a slamming locker from behind.

“Are you shitting me? You’re staring at her undies, you creep?” blurted one of the Mohawk girls.