Home Sweet Home (6 page)

“Do you really sleep at night telling yourself those lies?”

Just like that, the hurt won.

“How dare you tell me that there was nothing to talk about, no old wounds to heal between us, when all along you’ve been hating me with every single breath. When all along, you’ve been resenting every single second we spent together. When all along, you knew you’d never, ever forgive me for not giving up my entire life to come back here and take care of you and your sister.”

She was up and out of the booth before he could stop her.

Away. She needed to get away from all of the horrible accusations he’d made. She needed to stop seeing the anger, the betrayal, the fury in his eyes as he looked at her like she was a traitor who didn’t understand him. He acted like she had never understood him.

He acted like she hadn’t loved him with every piece of her heart.

“Andi, wait!”

She heard him calling out to her, heard his footfalls on the sidewalk behind her, but she didn’t stop.

Only, Nate was faster than she was, and at the end of Main Street where the grass began, his arms came around her waist, pulling her against his back.

Oh god, that heat, it pulled her into him despite herself. Despite what he’d said in the bar, despite how he’d said it.

Despite the fact that she wasn’t even sure he liked her.

“Andi, I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“But you did.”

“Andi.” Her name was a breath of heated regret breaking through the cold fall night. “You caught me off guard. I shouldn’t have said any of those things.”

Every heartbeat was excruciating when all she wanted was to rewind back to that moment when he’d said, “
I’ve wondered about what you’ve been doing for ten years.
” She wished they could step back in time so that she could tell him how much she had missed him, that she’d thought about him every single day for ten years, even though she hadn’t wanted to.

“You were right, Andi. We do need to talk about what happened.”

“Not tonight.” She couldn’t yet bear to move her cheek away from his warmth. If things had gone differently, this warmth could have been hers all along. 

Not when she was feeling as weak as she ever had. She would need to be strong for that conversation.

Andi forced herself to pull out of Nate’s arms. “I need to go.”

And this time, he let her.

Her mother was waiting up for her when Andi got home.

“Oh honey, it’s so good to see you.” Andi had never needed Carol’s hug more than she did right that second. “Your grandmother said that you were planning to stay for a few days this time. Is that true?”

“Actually I’ll probably be here a week at least. Maybe two.” She took a deep breath before saying, “My project is here in town. That’s why I’m back, to oversee the development and building of some beautiful residences on the waterfront.”

She waited for her mother’s reaction, but Carol was the woman she had always been: thoughtful and quiet, gentle even when concerned.

“I’m sure you’ll do a fantastic job with it, honey.”

“Do you think I’m wrong to even be thinking about building condos here, Mom?”

Andi didn’t know where the question came from, didn’t know why she was asking her mother to give her opinion about a business situation.

Carol frowned and shook her head. “I don’t know, honey. The only thing I know for sure is that change is hard. Good or bad.”

That was when Andi noticed how Carol’s usually vibrant blue eyes were smudged with dark circles beneath her lower eyelashes. She knew how hard her father’s death had been on her mother. How could it have been anything but hard to have him right beside her one moment at an end-of-summer cocktail party, laughing with their friends—and then gone the next, a heart attack taking him so suddenly? Too suddenly, and utterly without warning, without giving anyone a chance to save him.

Andi knew that Nate’s parents’ deaths had been just as unexpected. He’d lost his mother first when she gave birth to Madison and bled out. One month later his father pulled out a gun and shot himself. But Nate had survived, had even told her how happy he was with his life tonight. She and her mother would not only figure out a way to survive, too, but they’d learn how to be happy again, wouldn’t they?

Andi felt her mother’s hand on her arm. “Thank you for making your grandmother go see the doctor.”

“What did Dr. Morris say?”

“Evidently it’s just a cold that she’s let go a little too long. Nothing that a little rest won’t take care of.”

“Thank god. I was really worried about her today.”

“I know, honey. But you know how strong your grandmother is. And we both really appreciate you looking after the store today. Especially on a Monday with the knitting group showing up.”

Andi forced a smile. “It was no big deal. Really. Everyone was great.” Well, mostly anyway. Catherine had been a little weird, but Andi was trying not to take it personally.

Her mother looked fondly at her across the table. “You always had such a wonderful eye, honey. The store used to look so much better after you rearranged things. I’m sure you’ve got a lot of ideas for us about how to make the place better.”

Andi frowned at her mother’s compliment. They both knew she was a numbers girl and not the least bit creative or artistic.

“I was just a little girl playing with yarn. And the place looks great already, Mom. You know that.”

And the surprising truth was, considering her mother and grandmother had no formal training in marketing or sales, the store really was very well optimized. Everything from the layout to the displays to the selection was spot-on.

Knowing her mother would find out soon enough, Andi forced herself to say, “Anyway, Nate and I met tonight. To catch up.” The words were catching in her throat. “And to talk about my project.”

Her mother looked at her more carefully. “You two haven’t seen each other in quite a while. How was it?”

All her life, whenever she’d had problems, Andi had gone to her father for advice. Of course, her mother had always been there with cookies and Band-Aids and hugs and bedtime stories, but Andi had just never felt as connected to her mother. Not when they were so different.

Tonight, for the first time, she wanted to blurt out everything that had happened with Nate. She wanted to cry on her mother’s shoulder. She wanted to ask for help, for guidance, for some salve to patch the old wound in her heart that had just been reopened.

But she couldn’t. Her mother was still grieving, still reeling from her father’s death, one year later. Andi didn’t need to dump her problems on Carol, too.

“It was fine, but I’m exhausted.” Andi yawned. “I haven’t spent that much time on my feet in a very long time. I think I’ll head to bed now.”

Up in her childhood bedroom, she changed into her pajamas, sat down on her bed with her open laptop, and tried to focus on answering the dozens of e-mails that had come in during the day. But she was hard-pressed to focus on work with all of the things Nate had said zinging through her mind.

“You knew I could never say no to you.”

“You’re not from here anymore.”

“I know all about your promises, Andi.”

“Do you really sleep at night telling yourself those lies?”

No, she thought, as she began to reply to an e-mail from her assistant. It was unlikely that she’d be getting any sleep tonight.

N
ate couldn’t stop thinking about Andi. About the things he’d said to her at the Tavern.

As mayor, he often peacefully disagreed with friends and neighbors over issues. But he never lost it. Never.

So then, as soon as Andi had pushed those condo plans across the table to him, why had he all but blown apart?

She wasn’t the one who had made it personal. She’d been all business. He was the one who’d taken their discussion from condos to their screwed-up past.

And to the fact that he didn’t trust her anymore.

Jesus. He should have seen it coming, but he hadn’t. He hadn’t known Andi would still have the power to rock his world as much as she ever did. He should have known that the first shock of seeing her, talking with her, touching her was going to be bad, but like a fool with his head stuck in the sand, he hadn’t.

“Andi, he’s dead.”

“Nate? Is that you?”

He sat in the dirt outside his trailer. He’d wrapped his baby sister in a blanket and had the phone propped up against his shoulder. He could hear the sounds coming from Andi’s dorm room at Cornell, music and laughter, so different from the almost perfect silence that surrounded his trailer by the lake, a silence only broken up by an occasional frog…and his sister’s whimpers.

“Wait a minute,” Andi was said. “I can’t hear anything. My roommate’s stereo is up too loud. Let me go out into the hall. Darn it, it’s even louder out here. Hopefully my cordless will reach outside.”

He could hear her walking past people, who were saying hello. Her college life was a whole other world he knew virtually nothing about.

“Okay, silence. Finally. That’s better. I’m so glad you called, Nate. I was just thinking about you. I was just missing you. Can we start this call again?”

“He killed himself, Andi. He put a bullet through his brain.”

“Nate? What are you talking about?”

He knew he wasn’t making any sense, but it was hard to make sense after what he’d seen.

After the way his life had just imploded.

“My father. He shot himself.”

“Oh god. Oh no.”

All Nate wanted was for Andi to be here with him. To have her arms around him. To tell him everything was going to be okay. To see her and know that they’d figure things out together.

“I left to get some groceries and diapers, and when I came back, he was on the floor and there were brains—” He almost threw up again, barely swallowing down the bile. “Madison was in her crib. She was crying. Her diaper was dirty.”

It was still dirty. He needed to get back inside and grab the diapers he’d bought to change her. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t go back inside.

“Have you called the police yet?”

“No.”

He’d needed to call Andi first. Needed to know that there was still someone left who loved him, that there was still someone left that cared about him, that wouldn’t leave him when the going got too rough.

“I’m going to hang up right now, Nate, so that you can call 911 and tell them what happened.”

“I need you, Andi.”

“I know. That’s why I’m coming right now. Right away.” He thought he heard a sob in her voice right before she said, “I love you, Nate. Be strong and wait for me. I’ll be there soon.”

She hung up and he called 911. He knew the paramedics and police would help him and his sister. His neighbors would help.

But Andi was the reason he would make it through.

As long as she was by his side, he’d be okay.

Nate woke up from his dream, sweat coating his skin, the sheets kicked off. He was sitting up in bed, cradling his pillow like it was his baby sister while his heart pounded almost through his chest.

He had to force himself to look around his bedroom, to see the house he’d built on the lake four years ago. He wasn’t that kid anymore whose whole life had changed in an instant. He wasn’t the boy waiting in the dirt for someone to come save him.

Still he couldn’t stop thinking about those first hours after he’d discovered his father on the floor of the trailer. Right after getting off the phone with him, Andi had called her family, and Carol had come right away to take him and Madison to the empty cottage behind their big house. By the time Andi had arrived in Emerald Lake, the trailer had been closed off by the chief of police to ensure there was no foul play.

Andi had run to him, held him, rocked him in her arms. Nate could see how badly she wanted to help, only he was already way beyond help.

But somehow seeing her only made things worse, only reminded him of all the things he could no longer have.

Because from the moment he found his father lying on the floor, everything had changed. His sister became his number one priority, and any dreams that he’d had for himself—for a life with Andi—had to be stuffed away.

He didn’t remember falling asleep on the couch between questioning from the police and practically being force-fed by Andi’s mother. All he remembered was waking up to the sounds of his sister’s wails—and seeing Andi calmly changing Madison’s diaper, even though he knew she’d never done much babysitting around the lake. There was baby poop all over both of them, and she should have been freaking out, but she wasn’t.

She was calm and collected and methodical about it all.

And Nate knew he couldn’t do any of this without her.

Over and over he’d told himself not to ask her to stay. It wasn’t her life that had exploded. It wasn’t her mess that needed to be dealt with. But in that moment, it was less courage than desperation that had him asking.

Begging.

“Stay with me, Andi.”

She had looked at him with such shock, as if what he was asking her was so utterly unexpected, that he knew he shouldn’t say anything more. He should have told her never mind, that he didn’t mean it, that it was the exhaustion—and grief over losing his father—that was making him say crazy things.

But he hadn’t done or said any of those things. Instead, he’d decided it was a test.

A test to see if she really loved him. Or not.

“Defer college for a semester. This is all such a big mess. Help me with Madison. Help me get my feet on the ground. I don’t know if I can do it without you.”

She’d stared at him, then scanned the four walls of the cottage as if she could find an escape route if she looked carefully enough.

“
Of course, you can do it,
” was what she’d told him.

She didn’t need to say anything more. Those six words made everything perfectly clear to him. But he’d still pushed.

Still hoped.

“I need you, Andi.”

He watched the care, the love, with which she carefully laid his clean and dry sister down in the donated crib and covered her with a blanket, kissing her on the cheek. Madison waved an arm in the air and Andi caught it, holding onto it with a smile for the little girl.

Hope had flared in his chest one last time as he watched the sweet interplay between the two people he loved most in the world.

But then Andi turned to him and he read the truth on her face.

She wasn’t going to stay.

“Of course, I want to help you. I’m going to come home and visit you whenever I can, on weekends and school breaks, to help you through this.”

“I thought you loved me.”

“I do love you, Nate. Of course, I love you. But you know I can’t stay here. I can’t live in Emerald Lake. And if I defer a semester, I’ll get so behind I might never be able to catch up. I’ve waited for this moment my whole life, to get away and become something. Please don’t ask me to give it all up now.”

Reality hit him then, like fists pounding all over his body, and a deep rage took over, so swift and strong, that he could no longer stop himself from giving into it. Tears had been right there about to fall. And yet at the same time, he wasn’t sure he would ever be able to feel anything again.

“Just fucking go!”

He’d yelled the words so loud that he startled his sister out of her sleepy state, and she started to whimper from her crib. But that didn’t stop him.

He’d sneered, “
You’d better hurry back to school or you might miss an important test.
”

Andi had come toward him, her arms outstretched. “
Please don’t be like that, Nate. Please don’t push me away.
”

He’d gone to the door and opened it. “
I need to concentrate on Madison right now. Not a long-distance relationship.
”

“So this is it? You’re breaking up with me?”

“You’re the one who was already leaving, Andi.”

A few seconds later, she left. Heading back to a life that had nothing to do with him.

Memories, snippets of words they’d said to each other came back at him all morning as he showered, dressed, made breakfast, then got in his truck to head to the important meeting he had in a town a half hour away.

Betsy had taken Madison and Kayla to school this morning after their sleep-over. There was no reason for Nate to drive past the school.

Instead, he sat outside the building and let his brain play tricks on him. He and Andi had gone here together. He’d pulled her pigtails, and she’d knocked him off the monkey bars. They’d been too young to admit their real feelings for each other back then. Their first kiss wouldn’t come until they were sixteen.

Seeing Andi again was a big deal. A huge deal. All of his old feelings for her were much closer to the surface than he wanted them to be. Not just his latent anger with her, not just the fact that he still desired her, but the fact that he still felt a strong emotional connection to her, even after all this time.

He’d let down his guard in the bar for a split second, had let himself forget anything but her sweet smile and soft laughter, had even let himself give rise to the secret hope he’d held on to—that one day they’d meet again and it would all work out.

Boom!
That was when she’d come in with her plans.

He’d felt so burned, so crushed, like such an idiot for letting himself start to fall again when he knew better.

Andi had wanted to clear the air last night and now he knew she was right. There was no question that they needed to say whatever needed to be said, to let bygones be bygones. And when they were done settling the past back in the past where it belonged, then they could have a rational discussion about her condos.

The rational discussion they should have had last night.

Andi woke up on top of her covers, her laptop teetering precariously on her stomach.

With the sun streaming in over her pillow, she had no choice but to drag herself into the shower. She stood beneath the warm spray, but none of her muscles relaxed. Not when she’d been a ball of nerves since the moment she’d seen Nate. Earlier than that actually. She’d been wound up like a tangled ball of yarn since the moment she’d blurted out to the Klein Group that the condos should be built at Emerald Lake.

Work. She needed to focus on work. It had always saved her before. It would save her again now.

And lord knew, after losing the previous day to Lake Yarns, she had a ton of work to tackle today. Especially, she thought with a frown as she toweled off, given Nate’s enormous objections to her project.

Andi was reaching for a pair of jeans and a long-sleeved T-shirt when she realized that dressing down in the middle of a workday was exactly what she shouldn’t do. She wasn’t here for a vacation—she was here on a business trip.

She selected a navy-blue dress from her garment bag, and by the time she had her earrings in, her hair done, and heels on, Andi felt a little better, like she was wearing the proper armor.

Downstairs the kitchen was quiet, and she guessed that her mother was already at Lake Yarns, opening it up for the day. As always, Andi was drawn to the leather chair by the fireplace where her father used to read his stacks of newspapers. She ran her hand over the high back remembering how, when she was a little girl and he would be gone for weeks at a time in Washington, D.C., she used to curl up in his chair with a blanket and fall asleep because it was the closest thing to being in his arms. And when he was there, she’d spent hours sitting beside his chair while he was on the phone, wanting to be with him but knowing she had to be quiet and not disturb his work.

Uncomfortable with the memory, she headed for the screened porch at the front of the house. As she opened a door, the high-pitched squeak that echoed into the front hall made Andi suddenly realize just how lonely it must be for her mother to live in the large house by herself.

Still despite its huge scope—the whitewashed, two-story home was one of the oldest and biggest in town—Carol was good at making each room homey. The screened porch with its whitewashed wooden planks and the bright reds and yellows and blues on the furniture’s upholstery was a bright retreat even on rainy days. And of course, there was the basket of knitting in the corner by the couch and a similar basket in every room. Knitters, she knew from a childhood of being surrounded by them, loved to start projects but loved finishing them a whole lot less. Thus, the piles of works in progress near every comfortable chair in every room.

Every time she came home for a visit, Andi was struck by how different her childhood home was from her city loft. Much like her father’s apartment in Washington, D.C., she’d always tended toward minimal color, mostly blacks and whites, whereas this house was stamped with her mother’s eye for design and color. Fabrics that would have been out of control in anyone else’s hands looked just right together the way Carol had arranged them.