Honest Love (19 page)

Derek

I had no fucking idea what to do.  I left Claire’s house three nights ago after restraining myself from nearly killing that Rob dude for touching her.  At first, I didn’t know who he was and when she told me, I was even angrier.  I mean, fuck!  That was the guy that had attacked his own wife, then injured Claire when he and Jake were trying to beat the shit out of each other.  I’d held it together the best I could.  I mean, shit…I’d been following her, waiting for an opportunity to just talk to her about everything.  My cell phone was burned up in the explosion and I hadn’t replaced it until that very day, so I was left with stalking her like a lunatic.  I had no idea she’d be going out on a
date
…or whatever the fuck that was.  Now, here it was, Monday night, New Year’s Eve and I was alone…again.  I wondered if Claire was spending it alone too.  I closed my eyes and cringed at the thought of her with another guy.  I didn’t know if I could ever get past that even if we didn’t end up together.

Therapy on my knee was starting again the next day and I was excited to be able to see her, talk to her.  I’d assumed she would still be my physical therapist.  Melissa had better not screw me and give me to someone else.  Surely she wouldn’t…well, unless Claire requested it.  Shit, hadn’t thought about that. 

My phone rang.

“Hello.”

“Hey there, babe!  What are you doing for New Years?” 
Abbi. 
Her voice was like sharp, painful needles stabbing into my head.

“Why are you calling me?  You’ve done enough damage.”

“Oh, stop!  You and I both know that weak, sad little woman wasn’t for you.  She’s too broken.  You don’t like broken women.  Right?”

She was right, but I’d be damned if I admitted it to her.  I wasn’t one to be attracted to weak, feeble women, but that wasn’t my Claire.  She was a fighter.  She fought to save her marriage…one that her ex didn’t invest in even from the very beginning like he should have.  She’d moved here with her kids to start all over.  No, she wasn’t weak.  Look at what she was trying to do for me. 

“Abbi, stay away from her.  You don’t have a fucking clue what Claire is all about.”

“Derek, I’m not worried about your latest conquest.  I know you, remember?  You’ll never be over me.  You know it.  I know it.  So, why don’t we spend New Year’s just fucking?  Maybe you’ll get that kid you’ve always wanted.”

Her words made me feel sick.  “What happened to you, Abbi?  You’ve changed so much from the sweet girl I met in college.  You were never so cold and heartless before the fame and fortune.  Is it my fault?”

She laughed.  “No, Derek, I’m the same person.  You chose not to see it.  You’ve always had such a clouded view of people.  This world is not the cookie cutter place you thought it was.  People disappoint each other, fall out of love and move on…that’s the reality of life.  But we can still find some fun here and there.  So, what do you say…want to spend some time making a few fun memories?”

All I could think about were the endless conversations Claire and I’d had over the last few weeks and the love that was so evident in her eyes and in her smile when she talked about her three kids.  Abbi talked about kids like a consolation prize.  She didn’t care about anyone but herself.  I wanted to experience being a dad, but with someone who would be as happy about it as I would.  Maybe Claire wasn’t that person.  The reality of that was too painful to contemplate, but I didn’t let my voice reflect it.  Instead, I sent my ex-wife packing.

“Go away, Abbi.  I’m done with you, forever.  I don’t want you or your craziness anymore.  What I want is Claire.”  I knew it for sure.

“Sure…whatever, but she doesn’t want kids does she, D?  She can’t give you what you want, right?”

“Good-bye, Abbi.  Don’t call me and don’t show up at my house…ever again.”  I hung up, slumped into my couch and felt the weight of the world on my shoulders.  It was dark outside and I wanted to go see her, but I didn’t.  Claire needed space and I did too.  We’d fallen so far so fast and neither of us were prepared.  But it was killing me.  I wanted to hold her next to me and just forget about all the stupid shit.  She was my other half, I was convinced. 

I looked at the clock.  It was just before ten o’clock.  I’d been laying in bed for a while and I’d had enough.  I needed my girl.  I climbed out of bed, dressed in sweats and a tee shirt, then gingerly walked to my car.  I didn’t bother with crutches or my brace.  I wanted to get to her as quickly as I could.  I backed out of my drive and drove toward Claire’s house.  I was excited to tell her how much I wanted her…to hold her next to me.  As I pulled in her drive and was thinking of ways to wake my girl, I noticed Claire’s house was dark and eerily quiet.  I hobbled up to her front door and rang the doorbell. 
Ding Dong

Nothing.  No movement.  No noise.  So, I rang again. 
Ding Dong

Still no answer and I was starting to worry.  So, I decide to try a text even though it was late.

Derek:

Hey, are you awake?  Just rang your doorbell.  Can I see you?

Three minutes passed. 

Claire:

Not home.  I’m out of town.  You okay? 

I was confused as hell.  Where the fuck had she gone?  And why didn’t she tell me she was leaving town?

Derek:

I’m fine.  But where the hell are you?  Why didn’t you tell me you were leaving town?

Claire:

Not that you need to know, but I’m with my kids…in Houston.  We are leaving in the morning to go on a short trip.  A patient offered his vacation home.  We’ll be back soon.

Derek:

But why didn’t you say anything about leaving? 

Claire:

I guess I should have told you so you wouldn’t have worried, but it was a last minute thing and you and I are taking a break from each other…figuring things out, right?  I’m giving you space to think…I need the same.

Like a knife in my heart.

Derek:

Can I ask where you’re going?

Claire:

Of course.  Bahamas

Bahamas?  I was so fucking pissed.  I couldn’t even respond.  I walked back to my car, climbed inside and punched my steering wheel.  I wanted to track her down and throw her over my shoulder, grunting like a caveman all the way back to my house.  But I had no right and that made me even madder.

I started my car, drove home and slammed the door to my house as I stomped inside.  I didn’t know what to do with all the built-up anxiety and energy.  I finally called a cab to take me to Casbah.  I’d heard they were having a great New Year’s Eve party, so I decided to fuck the grown-up shit and go have some fun. 

*****

As soon as I ordered my first beer, I felt like shit.  Club life wasn’t me.  I didn’t drown my sorrows.  I took out my phone to send Claire a text since I knew I hadn’t responded to her last one.  I slid open my phone just as I saw a call coming in.  Before I could stop my action, it connected…to Claire and I was in a loud ass club.

“Hello?”

“Derek?  Hello?”

“Claire, hang on.”  I rushed toward the front door so I could go outside to hear her. 

“I’ll let you go.  Sounds like you’re busy.  Bye.”

“No.  Claire!  Shit, don’t hang up.”  I couldn’t hear anything on the other end.  I pushed my way through the doors and walked outside.  “Claire, are you there?  Hello?”

A long pause and then, “Yes.  I’m here.”  It was so quiet out on the street that I could hear her taking deep breaths on the other end.  “I won’t keep you.  I called to apologize for leaving town without saying anything.  That’s not usually my style.  I was in a hurry.  We’ll be back next week and I’ll call you then.  Go enjoy your night, Derek.”

“Hey, don’t hang up.  Sorry I didn’t respond to your last text.  Truthfully, I was angry that you’d left.  I actually came to your house to tell you I’d had enough.  Three days was enough time to realize that what I want is you.  You’ve become necessary to my survival.”

I heard Claire take a deep breath.  “Three days?  That’s kind of sad, Derek.”  The humor in her voice made me smile. 

“Hell, yes!  Longest three days of my life.”

“Is that why you’re out at a club?  I didn’t think you were the kind to drink your sorrows away.  Why are you there?”

“Because I was pissed and lonely…and I couldn’t stand sitting at home alone tonight.” 

Claire was quiet and I started to worry she was upset with me.  “I’m not sure what to think about that.  You were mad and lonely so you went to a club to what?  Find someone to comfort you?  Get drunk and go home with some stranger?  I know I shouldn’t be upset about it, but I kinda am.”

If I wasn’t so worried about the direction of our conversation, I’d be happy that she was jealous or whatever about me going out.  “No, it wasn’t like that.  After Abbi called me tonight, I was so high strung.  It was
that
conversation that made me realize how much I wanted you in my life…how much I wanted to be in
your life
.  But when you weren’t home…you’d actually left town…well, I just needed to unwind.  I’d just ordered my first beer when I took out my phone to text you.  I was getting ready to leave because this is not a place I belong, especially alone.” 

“Why did Abbi call?”

I didn’t want to tell her.  “She wanted to come over.”

“Oh.”

“I told her to leave me alone…leave you alone and get lost, for good.”  Silence.  “Claire?  Talk to me.”

“Derek, it’s not my place to tell you how to handle your ex-wife.  I’d be a huge hypocrite if I even tried after my little speech to you about my relationship with Jake.  However, Jake is married and doesn’t want
me
.  Abbi clearly still has her hooks in you and I have a feeling you’ve allowed her to
visit
you from time to time.  That doesn’t work for me.  She has an agenda and I don’t want any part something that involves more lies and deceit.”  She took a deep breath and with a shaky voice said,  “So, I guess instead of this being a phone call to tell you how much I miss you, it’s really a call to say good-bye.  I’m making the decision for you.”

“NO!  Stop, Claire.  Don’t hang up.  Okay, I’ll admit it, yes…in the past I’d give in when she showed up at my door and we’d fuck.”  Claire gasped at my harsh language.  “It was always around this time of year when the holidays were so damned lonely.  I know you understand.  I’ve never told a soul about Abbi’s visits.  No one in my family knows that I was weak and pathetic enough that I’d let that manipulative witch into my home, let alone into my bed.  I certainly didn’t want you to know, but here we are.”

“I understand being weak and lonely.  But don’t fool yourself into thinking Abbi is done with you.”

“I can handle Abbi.  She’ll leave me alone.”

“I need to go.  It’s late and we have an early flight.”

“Claire, please, just give us some time.  Don’t say it’s over because it’s not—not for me.”

“I’ll talk to you soon.”

“Claire.  Don’t.”

“I have to go.  I miss you, Derek.”  Her voice was so soft, I could have sworn she was crying.

“Baby, don’t.  Please.  I want you.  I miss you like crazy.  I didn’t think it was possible to love someone so deeply this soon after meeting them.  But I do.”

I could hear her sobs clearly through the phone.  “Me, too.”  It was so low and quiet I almost missed what she’d said, but I heard it.  Thank God I’d heard it. 

“Tell me where you’re staying.  I want to be with you…and your kids.  Will you let me?”

She wasn’t hiding her tears when she answered this time.  “Oh God, Derek, as much as I would love for you to be with me—with us,  I don’t think I’m ready for that yet.  I’m still not convinced that you won’t change your mind and completely break me.”

“I wouldn’t do that to you.  I know what it feels like and I could never do that to you.  You and I are supposed to be together.  I know it.  I was made to love you, hold you and protect you, Claire.”

She was still crying.  “Let’s talk after I get back, okay?  I feel too raw—too confused right now.”  I didn’t want to let her off the phone, but I was feeling pretty ‘raw’ myself.  Hell, I’d just confessed that I was in love with her while standing outside a nightclub. Good news was she basically admitted it too. 

“Okay.  Call when you guys get settled tomorrow?”

“Yes, I’ll call you.”

“Thank you.  And, Claire?”

“Yeah?”

“I love you.” 

She gasped and I swear I heard a hand clap over her mouth.  “I’m so scared to love you, Derek, but I do.”

“Don’t be scared.  Let it happen.  Let
us
happen.  I promise I’ll never hurt you, baby.  You’ll always be first…always.”

“I want to believe you—with my whole heart I want to believe.”

“Then let me prove it to you.”

“Okay,” she whispered.

“Ahh, that makes me so happy. 
You
make me happy, Claire.”  She let out a little laugh.

“Then go home, Derek.  Get out of that club.”

“Just got in a cab, headed home.  I’ve been outside this whole time talking to you.  I’d have caught one sooner, but I didn’t want some cabbie hearing our conversation.”

“You took a cab to the club?” 
Shit.

“Yes, I told you I was angry and anxious.  I didn’t want to drive, especially if I started drinking.  I really don’t drink much so one or two and I don’t like to drive.  I know what you’re thinking…”

“And what’s that?”

“That I was planning on getting wasted and taking someone home with me.  If you haven’t learned it by now, you will…I’m not that guy.  If I didn’t sleep with every girl in San Diego after Abbi left me, I’m certainly not going to do it now when I have an amazing girl that I’m in love with and desperately trying keep.”

“I shouldn’t be upset or jealous.  I’m the one that pushed for us to take a step back.  But I am.  There are a lot of trolls out there, Derek, that are looking for the opportunity to snag someone like you.”