Honest Love (6 page)

Derek let go of one hand and ran his it through his short hair.  “I don’t know what just came over me, but hearing
that,
even if it was an accident, has me wanting to go beat the hell out of both of them.”  His voice was still strained.  I let out a small laugh and instinctively ran my thumb across his hand.  We both looked down at our hands at the same time.  I smiled and tried to release his hands, but he didn’t let go. 

“Thank you for saying that.  I appreciate it.  Makes me feel better, but it’s all over now.  We’ve all moved on and I’m working to not let the past corrode my future.  Even talking to Jake is okay.  I saw what pain he went through when he thought Kaye had lost the baby and I hated seeing him hurt.  Stupid, I know, especially after all he did to me, but I’m not that person.  I never have been.  I hurt and I feel, but I don’t dwell, at least I try not to for the most part.”

“You’re an amazing woman, Claire.  Sometime in the near future, you are going to have to tell me just how it is that you can be so friendly to
him
.  And I don’t know the baby story you just mentioned.  Maybe it will change my opinion of the guy, but I highly doubt it.”

“I’m just doing what works for me.  Might not be how other people would handle things, but it has helped
me
to survive.”  I paused.  “I’ll tell you that story some other time.  It was pretty insane.”

Derek smiled, lifted my hand to his lips and kissed the back of it before letting it go.  “Again, amazing.”
Oh.  Dear.  God.  I was totally smitten.

I swallowed, trying to reel in my shock and asked, “Does your ex just pop up in places or what?”  I didn’t want to pry, but I was curious and wanted the focus off of me.

“Yes, sometimes.  I hate it and she knows it, too.  It’s a power play for her, to see if she still has her foot in the door with me.”  His whole body shifted uncomfortably.  I studied him for a minute and could see clearly that Derek’s ex-wife still had a stronghold on him.  I didn’t like it.  Whether it was my own pride or misplaced protectiveness for my new friend, I didn’t like that a woman who had hurt him so badly could still have his attention whenever she wanted it.  There had been a point in time when someone could have said the same about me. 
I was Derek. 
I just wanted Jake to listen to me, pay attention to me, love me more than he loved Kaye.  But I’d hit
that
wall
and stopped giving a shit about what Jake wanted.  I chose to take my life back.  I was going to hurt regardless.  I could’ve kept wishing and hoping for a miracle or simply pack up my kids and move on.  The facts were clear that we’d never be a family again.  I was in control of my happiness now.  Jake couldn’t be a factor or an excuse anymore.  I flat refused. 

“I think for Jake, it was all about his guilt.  He would send mixed signals because he felt guilty for what he’d done to me…to us.  Maybe it’s the same for her.”

“Maybe.”  He didn’t want to believe me and that was okay.  I could see he still loved her and it made me smile as much as it made my heart hurt for him. 

“What’s her name, by the way?” 

“Abbi, her name is Abbi.”  Yeah, he was still hung up on her.  The way he said her name was like a beacon.  I smiled and for the first time since I’d met Derek, I felt a small amount of ‘pity’ for him and I hated it, but there was no other way to describe it.  He was hung up on a woman that had strung him along for years.  I knew it all too well…had known it intimately for nearly twenty years.

We stood silently for a few seconds before I said, “I’m glad it’s Friday.  You?”

“Sure.”  Derek looked lost in his thoughts. 

“Big plans this weekend?”  I was desperately trying to snap him out of whatever funk I might have put him in with our conversation.

“No, you?” 
Finally.  He was back.

“Well, I’m sure you can imagine how busy I am.”  I made a grand gesture like I was important royalty and it made Derek laugh.

“I’ll be at the station all weekend.  I told my captain I’d come in and help do a few
minor
things around there.  Don’t worry.  I won’t re-injure anything.”

“You’d better not make it worse.”  I scowled at him.  “We’ve worked hard this week.”

“I know and I don’t want to repeat any of this, believe me.”  I smiled at him.

“Okay go, get out of here.”  I shooed my hands for him to leave.  “Go rescue a few cats or whatever it is you firefighters do for work.  I’ll see you Monday.”

“Sounds good.”  Derek limped out of my little room and I followed, headed to my office. 

“Claire?”  Derek turned to face me. 

“Yeah?”

“Have a good weekend.  Give me a call if you get bored or lonesome…whatever.”  He handed me a piece of paper with his number on it. 
When had he written that down? 
I looked up to see that his face was a little red.  Embarrassed maybe?  His sweet tone was genuine, not teasing and didn’t hold any innuendoes. 

“Thank you, Derek, I will and you have a great one, too.”

He left and I sat in my office replaying my week with my new friend.  He could use a little touch of tough love when it came to his ex-wife, but he wasn’t ready.  I needed to be gentle with my words and I hoped that I could. 

Chapter 9

Derek

I didn’t sleep worth a damn Friday night.  Thoughts of Claire spending the weekend alone really bugged the shit out of me.  I hated it for her.  Sounded crazy to feel something about a woman I’d just met, but I understood her.  I understood starting over.  When Abbi first left me, I couldn’t function.  I hadn’t seen it coming.  I thought we were happily married.  I knew she was worried about me…about my injury, or at least I thought she was worried.  It wasn’t until we were told that I was done with football that our life started to unravel.  Looking back, I should have seen the signs. 

I’d noticed the rather ‘cool’ reception toward me when she would come home from work or shopping, from anywhere really.  She’d claimed to be busy at work and I thought it was odd.  I mean, I’m not some chauvinistic pig, but how busy can a high school teacher be?  Still, I chose to believe her.  Then, the fights would start about pretty much anything.  It was crazy because in all the years we’d been together, there weren’t any real fights.  We’d enjoyed each other. 

So, when I’d try to point out the ridiculousness of our fights, it only made her furious.  She’d storm out, leave and not come back for hours.  Then, she’d come home and say she was just stressed out or worried about me…always something to reassure me that we were okay.  I’d talked to Melissa about it and she was convinced Abbi was having an affair.  Of course, I blew up at my sister for even suggesting it, until I realized I hadn’t had sex with my wife in more than a month.  Abbi and I had always had an incredible sex life.  I couldn’t believe I totally missed the fact that we hadn’t so much as kissed in weeks.  Between my therapy and all the shitty fights we’d been having, I’d missed it and we needed to stop and reconnect.  So, I’d surprised her with a trip to Tahiti and things with my wife seemed to be back on track.  We’d spent ten days laying on the beach and making love, only coming up for air or to eat, occasionally.  Life was good again.

In hindsight, I don’t think we talked about my knee or my career the whole time we were there.  It was one month to the day of our return that Abbi hit me with the biggest bombshell of my life.  She was leaving me.  She’d met someone else and he was one of my teammates.  Abbi summed up the harsh reality of our marriage in just a few simple words.  “I love the lifestyle more than I love you.”  Our time in Tahiti was “simply a goodbye,” she’d told me.  I was fucking devastated.  I threw myself into working harder on my recovery and finding a new career.  Abbi had often asked me what I would’ve done after college if I wouldn’t have been drafted.  Every time I would answer, “Probably a firefighter.”  And she would lecture me on all the finer points of why that was the stupidest answer she’d ever heard.  So, I did what I could to get my knee healthy enough to train and become a fireman.  The ‘icing’ of it was that I was getting to have a career I knew I would love and it was a giant ‘fuck you’ to my ex-wife.  The only problem—I was still in love with Abbi.  I couldn’t turn it off.  Yes, my love diminished significantly when she dumped me, but for the next two years, I couldn’t see past the love/hate I had for her.

The weekends were the worst, especially at first.  To make things even harder, for the first six months, Abbi would occasionally show up at our house and I was weak.  I’d let her in and we’d fuck.  I just needed to feel her next to me again.  I even knew she was still with the other guy and I didn’t care.  Oh, I wore a condom…no telling who else she’d been with, but still, I was pathetic.  I was grateful my family never found out how weak and stupid I’d been in those first six months.  After that, I sold the house I’d shared with Abbi, bought my place in Torrey Highlands and just focused on moving forward.  I even bought a big house, a five bedroom, stucco home that was ridiculous with upgrades, just to throw it in Abbi’s face that one day, I’d planned to fill that house with someone else and rooms full of kids.  It wasn’t easy.  It was lonely and it was hell.

So, while I was busting my ass helping to clean up the fire station that morning, and thinking back to those lonely, horrible days, I’d decided I wasn’t letting Claire spend her weekend all alone.  I didn’t have a friend to hang out with after Abbi left.  It had always been Abbi or the team.  Yeah, I had my brothers and Melissa, but they were busy with their own lives and fucking sick of my whining.  I wanted to be that friend for Claire.  I was determined to be.  I had hoped she might call or text me during the day on Saturday, but knew she wouldn’t.  She was as stubborn and hardheaded as I was.  No doubt she’d fight me.  I’d just have to take matters in my own hands. 

And I was prepared for that. 

Chapter 10

Claire

The weekend was excruciatingly slow and painful.  I left my house Saturday morning to explore more of the city.  I drove to La Jolla Cove and walked along the sea wall.  It was absolutely beautiful and I made a mental note to bring my kids back to the area to snorkel in the caves and see the seals.  I stayed out all day, avoiding sitting around my lonely house. I shopped, did a little more sight-seeing and kept as busy as I could.  I was so tempted to call Derek, but didn’t.  I liked talking to him.  Once he’d let his guard down, he was funny and quite sensitive.  I was pretty shocked at how quickly he’d exposed his softer side to me.  It was dark out as I made my way back to my house from all my sea-worthy adventures.  I was nearly home when my phone illuminated with an incoming call.  I figured it was one of my kids, so without looking, I answered. 

“Hello?”

“Hey, Claire, it’s Rob.” 
What the hell?

“
Hey, Rob.”  Talking to him felt awkward.

“How are you?”

Shit!  I
really
didn’t want to talk to
him
.

“I’m fine.  All is going well, Rob.”

“Glad to hear.  I miss our talks.”

I didn’t say anything, so he continued.  “I’m going to be in SD next week.  Can I come see you?” 

I had to be honest with him.  There was no way around it.  He represented a past I was desperately trying to leave behind.  He was Kaye’s ex-husband…the other jilted spouse.  “I don’t think that would be a good idea.  I’m trying to get settled here, start over and forget the island and everything that happened.  I’m sorry.  Give me some time?  Please?”

“I understand.  I can do that.”

“Thank you!  It means more than you could know to hear that you get it, Rob.”

“I do.  I’m sorry, you know.  Check on you next week?”

I was a little confused as to what he was sorry for exactly, but I wasn’t going to ask.  “Okay.  Thank you, Rob…for checking up on me.”

“
You’re welcome.  I selfishly did it for me.  I wanted hear your voice.”

“Give me a call next week.  We can chat more.”  I wasn’t a cruel woman.  I knew he needed a friend.

“Sounds really good, Claire.  Talk to you soon.”

“Good night, Rob.”

I drove home, my mind heavy with memories.  As insane as he had gotten and the absurd, questionably criminal shit Rob had pulled, he was still just a man who was hurting from losing his wife to someone else.  He was stuck in it…couldn’t move on.  I definitely felt pity towards him and it made me not like myself.  Walking into my dark, empty house, I plugged in my phone and sat it on the kitchen counter before making my way to my room and running a hot bath.  I heard my phone ring a few minutes later.  Surely Rob wasn’t calling back.  We’d just agreed he could call next week.  I ignored it and slipped off my shorts, shirt, bra and undies as I walked back into my bedroom to turn on a little music.  I’d kept an old iPod full of my favorite tunes docked on a Bose speaker that sat on top of my armoire.  Lionel Richie came out singing “Easy”…one of my favorites, as I was climbing into my luxurious, hot as hell bubble bath.  I soaked away the day for a long time, trying to clear my mind and relax. 

After about thirty minutes, I crawled out of the tub, slipped on my short, black robe and strolled into the kitchen for a glass of wine.  I smiled to myself as Peter Bradley Adams sang
Between Us
on the stereo.  It immediately made me think of Derek.  As I poured a rather generous glass on Merlot, I took a peek at my phone and nearly dropped the bottle when I saw Derek’s name on the screen. 
He’d texted me?

Derek:

How is your weekend going?

I felt…well, I didn’t know how I felt.  Happy?  Confused?  Excited? 
Yes, to all three.

Claire:

Hi!  My weekend?  Good.  Odd.  How did you get my number?  Let me guess…

Derek:

Yes, and no.  Melissa didn’t give me your number.  But I did take a peek through a file on her desk that had your name on it.  Sorry.