Honesty - SF8 (20 page)

"The flu has probably killed more people worldwide than most other diseases, Ryan. It’s a very serious illness."

"I know that, Jamie," she said softly. "My grandfather lost both of his parents, and my grandmother lost a baby brother, to the worldwide epidemic in 1916."

Jamie sat up in alarm, "My God, Ryan, why didn’t you say something! That’s absolutely horrible!"

"I know," she said quietly. "I think that’s why I freaked out when you first told me that’s what I had. My Granny told me that her little brother was fine one day, and dead the next." She shivered noticeably as she added, "Sometimes she doesn’t use good judgment in what she tells kids. I’m never going to let her be alone with our babies."

Jamie was even more shocked by this announcement. She knew that Ryan had a rather stormy relationship with her grandmother, but she didn’t have any idea that she didn’t trust her. "I didn’t realize…" she began, but Ryan elaborated.

"She’s a good woman, Jamie, but she’s harsh. She had a very tough life, and she thinks it’s fine to tell kids about all the horrors of it, no matter how young they are. I think she thinks it will toughen them up." Ryan snuggled close and said, "I want our babies to think the world is a safe and gentle place until they absolutely have to be exposed to the realities of life."

"I want that too," Jamie whispered, wishing that she could do the same for her precious partner.

When Ryan didn’t even ask if she could attend the volleyball game on Wednesday night, Jamie had a very good indication of how much energy her day at school had demanded. She tucked her into bed at eight o’clock and went back downstairs to study a bit.

Mia came home at ten and collapsed against Jamie in an exaggerated mock faint, moaning, "Can you believe what happened with Conor and me?"

Using every available muscle to keep her friend from dropping to the floor, Jamie laughed, saying, "What are you talking about? What happened?"

Mia found her feet and ran a hand through her disordered curls, gazing questioningly at Jamie. "Ryan didn’t tell you?"

"Tell me what?" the blonde asked once again.

"About me thinking I might be pregnant."

"WHAT? God, Mia, are you serious?"

"Wait a minute," the curly-haired woman ordered. "Just wait a minute. Your lover thinks that her brother might have gotten me pregnant, and she doesn’t even mention it to you? Jesus, I guess that shows me where I fall in the food chain! I don’t even merit a footnote!"

"No, no, that’s not it," Jamie sighed, rolling her eyes. "Ryan never, and I do mean never, talks about other people. No matter how much she wants to. I didn’t even know that you slept with Conor."

Mia’s big brown eyes blinked slowly, trying to determine when Jamie was going to get to the punch line. "You’re kidding, right?" she finally gasped.

"Nope. I wish I was. It drives me absolutely stark raving mad sometimes, but it’s the God’s honest truth. Telling her something is like putting it in the vault."

"That’s sick!" Mia cried. "What fun is that?"

"Not much," Jamie agreed. "It’s really hard for her sometimes because she can’t vent to other people when something’s bothering her. But even if she really, really wants to tell, she won’t."

"Damn, that’s either really noble or…or…I don’t even know what that is!"

"Let’s get back to the topic here. What in the hell were you doing sleeping with Conor without protection? Are you nuts?"

"No, I thought I had protection," she insisted. "Those condoms Ryan had in her sex toy bag were ancient!"

"She has condoms?" Jamie gaped.

"Dozens of ‘em," Mia insisted. "Don’t you use ‘em?"

"Are you sure you’ve slept with women, Mia? They don’t have parts that condoms fit over."

"Uh-huh," Mia laughed, this time absolutely certain that Jamie was toying with her. "You never fail to crack me up, James."

Jamie was not going to let Mia know that she had no idea what she was talking about, so she just smiled enigmatically and reminded her to finish her story. "So what happened after the condom broke?"

"Well, as you know, I’m not using any other form of birth control. Luckily, your girlfriend understands reproduction better than I do, and she took me to University Health Services to get me the morning after pill." She paused for a moment and looked over at Jamie thoughtfully. "She was really wonderful, James. Really concerned about my feelings…she even held me when I was scared." Shaking her head slowly she added, "She’s a very good person."

"She is," Jamie agreed.

"So how did the little lame princess take to having to miss another game tonight?" Mia asked, trying to switch to brighter topics.

"She was okay today, but she’s still pretty volatile. She just seems so frustrated, Mia. I really feel bad for her."

Patting Jamie’s knee gently, Mia asked, "How about you, Babe? Aren’t you getting a little…frustrated?"

"Huh? Oh…" she said, comprehension dawning. "No, not at all, really. I haven’t even considered sex since she’s been ill. My sex drive isn’t that strong on its own. It’s my interactions with Ryan that get my motor running, and she’s not giving off any sexual vibes at all." Jamie paused thoughtfully as she considered, "I actually feel more maternal towards her these days. Funny," she added as she shook her head.

Mia gave her a long look and asked, "So what’s it like, James? Being committed to a woman, I mean."

"Uhh...I’m not sure what you mean, Mia."

"Well, you’ve been committed to a guy, and now you’re committed to a woman. What’s the difference?"

"Eh…I’m not sure I’m the one to ask," she said. "I think a real bisexual could give you a more accurate depiction of the differences."

"Um…what are you?" Mia asked carefully. "I kinda thought that…"

"Nope," Jamie said. "It hit me when I was in Rhode Island. I’m a true blue lesbian, Mia. I just didn’t know it until I met Ryan."

"Wow! That’s a switch! How do you feel about that, James?"

She shrugged her shoulders. "It’s weird, Mia, but it’s no big deal. I don’t think I even remembered to tell Ryan about my revelation. It just felt right when I told my cousin."

"Weird," she agreed. "You know, there’s a part of me that envies you, James. Sometimes I wish I could go lesbian." She shuddered as she added, "Especially after what happened on Monday night. I would love never to have to worry about birth control again."

"You know," Jamie said thoughtfully, "guys will never be able to understand women fully until they know what it’s like to have to have that low-level fear of pregnancy every time you have sex. Even on the pill it was always on my mind. Jack thought I was nuts, but having that worry get all mixed up with sex is really tough on the old libido. I feel so free with Ryan. Like we can do it whenever, wherever we want and never have to worry if we missed a pill or don’t have condoms with us."

"God, I would love that," Mia moaned. "I just can’t imagine never having my hands on another…" She shot Jamie a look and said, "You probably don’t want to hear me wax poetic about the beauty of penises, do you?"

"No," Jamie agreed. "I never really loved the little things myself. Too temperamental."

"Yeah, they can be," Mia agreed. "But when a guy really knows how to use it…like Conor," she added teasingly, "it can make up for a boatload of problems."

Jamie squirmed in her seat, not wanting to pry, but fascinated to hear a little bit about Mia’s experience. "So, um…he was really good?"

Mia dramatically faked a swoon, fanning herself with both hands. "He could do that for a living and make a fortune! By far, without a doubt, the best sex I’ve ever had with a man."

"What makes him so good?" Jamie asked quizzically.

"Hmm…what was it," Mia mused thoughtfully. "Well, technically, he was the perfect size…" She held her hands up, trying to approximate Conor’s proportions, but Jamie’s hand shot out to grab her friend’s wrist to prevent the demonstration.

"Generalities, Mia, please, no specifics. I have to look at him over breakfast on the weekends."

"Okay, suit yourself," she agreed, dropping her hands. She sighed heavily and cocked her head as she said, "Maybe it’s because he’s older than the guys I normally go out with, but he wasn’t focused only on himself. He was just so present," she mused. "It’s hard to convey, but I felt like I really knew him." She shivered a little as she said, "That’s never happened to me before, James. It was our first time, but it felt like something we’d been sharing for years. This might sound funny, but he made me feel beautiful, and incredibly sexy."

Jamie snaked an arm around her back and gave her a gentle squeeze. "Must be genetic," she chuckled, "’cause that’s just how his baby sister makes me feel--like I’m the most beautiful woman on earth, and that she loves the very ground I walk on."

"You’re a lucky woman, James. That face, that body, and to feel like that when she loves you. Whew! And to have it all in a package that doesn’t spew semen…wow!"

"Well, that’s not the most elegant way I’ve heard it put, but you’re right. I am incredibly lucky. And getting enough semen to have a baby when we want one won’t be a problem with that raft of brothers and cousins. She’s truly the ideal woman."

"Rescued any fair maidens today, or is that a Monday, Wednesday, Friday
thing?" Jamie asked when Ryan awoke as she joined her in their bed.

Ryan blinked groggily for a moment, then yawned loudly and stretched. "Mia told you, huh?"

"Yesssss.
You
sure as heck didn’t."

"We’re not going to go into this again, are we?" Ryan’s body had grown noticeably stiffer, and she was clearly preparing for a fight.

"No, Love," Jamie soothed, giving her back a little scratch. "I’m proud of you." She tucked her body into Ryan’s, enjoying the feeling of being completely enveloped.

"Proud? Why?"

"The fact that you’re so honorable is really something to admire, Honey. I’m surprised at myself for not being able to see this earlier."

"Thanks," Ryan whispered. "That really makes me feel good."

Jamie started to rub her partner’s back, and the taller woman was nearly asleep when Jamie remembered something Mia had mentioned. "Honey?"

"Yeah?" Her voice was slow and soft, but alert, so Jamie continued.

"Why on earth do you have a bunch of condoms in your little bag of tricks?"

Ryan rolled onto her side and braced her dark head on her hand. A playful smile brightened her face and she lifted one eyebrow as she asked, "Do you really not know, or are you playing with me?"

"Um…if I say I’m playing, will you still tell me?" she asked, flushing a little. "I hate being such an innocent."

"How much or how little experience you have is nothing to be proud of or embarrassed by," Ryan said softly. "I’m really glad that you don’t have a raft of lovers that made you cavalier about, or disenchanted with, sex."

"You’re not that way," Jamie insisted, her eyes grown wide.

"No, I’m not. I’m a natural optimist. But I’ve been with people who were so cold and distant about the act." She shivered roughly and shook her head, "Nasty stuff."

"The condoms?" Jamie reminded her gently.

"Oh, right," Ryan smiled. "I was thinking about one of the first people that I used a condom with. Got carried away on a memory for a second." She looked up at Jamie and explained, "I used condoms on sex toys so they could be reused. It’s easier to remove a condom and slip another on than having to get up and clean a toy with a bleach solution." Popping her eyebrows she added, "Romantic, huh?"

Jamie patted her idly, her attention on the far wall as she thought about Ryan’s explanation. "So you’d use a toy on someone, then throw the condom away so it’d be nice an clean later on if you wanted to use it on her again, huh?"

"Well, more likely so that she could use it on me," Ryan said, thinking the answer obvious.

For some reason, that brought Jamie up short. She sat up a little straighter and said, "Women used toys on you?"

"Well, yeah," Ryan chuckled. "I wasn’t just performing a public service. I liked to receive pleasure, too."

Now a furrow had formed between Jamie’s eyebrows. "I know that," she mused, "it just never occurred to me that you’d be on the receiving end of one of those big things." She turned to face Ryan with a puzzled frown. "I just see you um…wearing one."

"Ahh…," Ryan nodded, thinking back to the assortment of toys that she had exposed Jamie to at Good Vibrations. "If we’re talking about strap-ons, I’d say that your guess was right. I was usually driving," she grinned. "At least, that’s the way it was as I got older. I had to know and trust a woman before I’d allow myself to be that vulnerable."

"But not when you were younger?"

"No. When I was first coming out, I was so green that I’d do whatever someone suggested," she admitted. "You’ve gotta remember, Jamie, that I was in a really bad place at first. I didn’t know any lesbians my age, and I was hanging out with some pretty rough trade."

The blonde woman shook her head, musing, "I’ve never understood how you got away with that. Your father and your brothers are so protective of you. Didn’t they notice you sneaking into the house in the middle of the night?"