Honeytrap (22 page)

Speechless, we both just sat there. I wondered if this was the last time I was going to smell the leather in this car. I went even emptier at the mere thought.

“I don't understand,” I said.

“Which part?” He was staring straight ahead, the moonlight paling his face.

“All of it. Why you drag-raced into the party and acted like the cock-of-the-walk in front of Rex. Why you had a second bet going with Brian Taggert and never told me.”

The look he gave me was a mixture of guarded nonchalance and sadness, which was an admission that he was also who he was and I'd seen that clearly tonight.

Had he been fooling me this entire time?

I felt like I'd been kicked all over, lying on the ground, staring up at the sky and wondering when the real hurt would set in after the shock wore off.

He leaned back against the headrest, watching me with such affection that I warned myself not to fall for him all over again.

“The first part's easy to explain,” he said, his voice ruined. “I wanted to show Rex that I'm the better man for you. I wanted him to know that in a bigger way, too—that I'm just a better man. Guys like Rex take everything for granted, and he shouldn't have done what he did to you. I wanted to let him know that you could love me more than you'd ever loved him, but I also wanted him to see that you wouldn't miss him a bit, that we have each other now. I didn't know Taggert would be there to make things blow up like they did.” He shook his head. “I wanted to show Rex that he was the loser. That I was the luckiest bastard on earth because I had you. That's all.”

Where was that Micah Wyatt confidence?
“We were supposed to show him we weren't afraid of him. You knew that Rex was in the past for me, so screaming in there like you did only—”

“Made things worse? I know. But there's more to it than even that.” He looked away from me, steeling himself. “Seeing my dad did something to me. I guess I also wanted to show everyone that I'm not on track to become Marvin Wyatt—that I have someone like you in my life and I'm better than any of them ever thought I was.” He hesitated. “Or maybe I was just trying to show that to myself before it all exploded in my face.”

Without thinking, I rested a hand on my chest. It stung inside—stung for him.

“But,” I said, “didn't you know that everyone was going to see a hell-raiser if you acted like one?”

“I wasn't thinking that far ahead. Shit, I arrived at the lake, knowing we were gonna see Rex, and everything else took over, just like it did for Jadyn when he pushed her buttons.”

“Rex has that effect on people.” But I couldn't blame him for this mess.

“Shelby.” Micah lifted his hand like he was going to touch my face or stroke my hair, but then he lowered it.

I pressed my hand to my heart even harder, because there was more than a sting in me now. It was a full-fledged stab.

He sighed roughly. “I want you to know that tonight wasn't about bragging that I've been with you. I hope you believe that.”

“Then why did you make that bet with Brian Taggert if you didn't want to do some bragging? You told me your first bet was cancelled.”

This time he did touch me as if asking for forgiveness, but I inadvertently shied away. Why, when all I wanted was him?

It was like I'd delivered the hardest punch he'd ever felt. Then he squared his shoulders. “I really did cancel the bet with the twins. I did it because you'd found out about it, and it put me at a disadvantage in that high-stakes game I was playing. But in the bet with Taggert, he was only talking big after the drag race, and I didn't take him seriously.”

It was hard hearing that I'd been just a thing to bet on, even if Micah hadn't meant anything to me at that point.

But I still ached for him in a way I'd never done for Rex. With Rex, I'd been shamed, and I'd lost my innocence and belief about what a first love should've been. But Micah had been something more.

He'd been my other, a part I'd been missing.

Micah kept a hold of me. “Ever since I met you, I lied to myself about what we were to each other, and I fought what was happening tooth and nail. That all changed on the day you accused me of wanting Lana Peyton.” He rested his other hand on the other side of my face. “That's when I knew I couldn't tell myself that I didn't love you. I just didn't realize it was actually love before that day. Even if I'd given credit to Taggert's bet, I would've called it off, anyway.”

“Even if you won?”

“Yes.” He fisted his hands. “When he mouthed off about the bet tonight, I saw the look on your face, and I would've given up anything to get the light back in your eyes. If I had to tell him that he won the bet and give him this car—if that would've made you look better to this town—I would've done it. A car is nothing against what you mean to me, Shelby.”

He sounded so sincere, and I put my hand against his as he kept cupping my face. I closed my eyes, keeping out any more pain, trying not to imagine what might come next in this star-crossed life with him.

I could forgive because I believed him with all my heart.

“Goddammit,” Micah said again, resting his forehead against mine. “Rex was right. I'm awful for you.”

“Don't say that.” I didn't want to hear it. He was perfect for me, even if Mom didn't accept him and he didn't go to college, planning for the kind of ambitious life I'd always thought I had in store.

“But I can't help thinking that I pull you down. Seeing you try to fight off Rex for me wasn't right. Everything I bring into your life is poison.”

It struck me then—he didn't intend to patch things up with me tonight. Instead, he was giving me an out.

He was leaving me before I could desert him, just as he'd been deserted by other people he'd loved.

“Micah.” I didn't let him pull away. “Stop this. What
Rex
said was poison. He was trying to drive a wedge between us because he doesn't like to lose—not football games, not video games, not girlfriends. You're good for me, so don't let anyone say you're not.”

But the tears had gathered in my eyes again, and when Micah saw them, he ran a thumb against my cheek, as if to catch any before they fell.

“He was right,” he whispered.

Unwilling to accept that, I kissed him, showing him he was wrong, that we were right for each other in so many ways. That we belonged together, and if we had to try a little harder than most to make this work, we could do it.

But when I finally left him, coming to stand near the side yard gate as he pulled away in his Camaro, I couldn't help but feel like he was still telling himself that Rex was right.

We were only good for a summer, if we even made it through that.

I texted Micah the next morning, just because I hadn't slept much and I wanted to see if we were as bad off as I suspected. My dreams—if you could call them something as pleasant as that—had been replays of our conversation, and the more I thought about it, the more I despaired.

Shelby

See you at Ritz today?

Since I was going to the theater soon to work, it would be a good meeting spot. Mr. Carmichael shared Micah's love of vintage cars, and the two of them usually chatted while I did my volunteer work.

While I waited for Micah to respond, I scribbled notes on a piece of paper at my desk. I was working on a Ritz Instagram page, playing around with a quirky marketing scheme for the next coming soon movie,
Chinatown
. I thought it might be cool to go around Aidan Falls and snap mysterious pictures of secrets our town might hold—stories that the old, abandoned feed mill had to tell, with all the rumors of a midnight sex club in the '70s. Out of the way places where an urban legend called the Hellfire Club supposedly took place these days. I wanted to connect those vague stories to the movie and its own “secrets and corruption” theme, hopefully whipping up some interest that way. I thought it might be cool if the Ritz could have some kind of interactive reward online or in the theater itself for patrons who attended the showing.

Even though my mind was occupied, the rest of me wasn't so much, and I kept glancing at my phone. As a half hour passed, then an hour, I got more and more restless. Micah had been good about communicating with me before, so maybe he was in the middle of something he couldn't pull himself away from.

Eventually, I had to start getting ready for the day, and just after I'd thrown on a sundress, my phone dinged. I rushed to it, then let out a groan of disappointment when I saw who the text was from.

Rex

Can u talk?

Seriously?

He sent another one right away.

Rex

Just want to say that Micah treated u like shit. Felt

bad 4 u.

Embarrassment chewed its way around me. I'd been trying not to think about last night and how it'd felt to hear Brian Taggert announce his own bet with Micah. Rex must've gotten a real charge when he'd seen how blindsided I'd been.

Was he gloating? I highly doubted that he was being a caring friend, so I ignored him. In fact, I looked up how to block his number from my phone.

After I did that, I felt like I'd untied myself from the last thing holding me down—holding me to the punishments I had thought I'd deserved after honeytrapping him. To make life even sweeter, Rex would be having required workouts with his coaches soon, training and studying film at campus, so he'd be too busy to deal with me altogether.

I was counting the days.

As I walked out my sliding glass door, heading toward the house for breakfast, I considered texting Micah one more time, but what had I promised myself at the start of the summer? No neediness, right?

I wasn't going to be needy.

But when my phone dinged, there I was, hopping right on it, praying it wasn't Rex again until I remembered that I'd blocked him.

Micah

No can do the Ritz. Big day at work. Twins sending me to industry conference in Ft Worth for few days. Did not know about it. Say hi to Mr. C.

Going to a conference? This sudden trip didn't sit well with me, and when I glanced at the text again, I realized there might be a different message there altogether.

I thought about what Valmont had said in that movie.
It's not that I want to have you. All I want is to deserve you
. Last night, Micah pretty much told me he didn't deserve me. He'd also danced around the fact that he knew I was going to go back to school someday, do bigger and better things than I could manage in Aidan Falls, and he didn't want to stand in my way. Now I saw that for the load of bullshit it was, even as my neurotic side started to prod me and tell me that Micah had never really changed at all. That it wasn't true that he was moving on after having sex with me and succeeding in his games.

I wasn't going to give in to those whispers. He was my Micah, and I was his Shelby.

Even so, when I called him, all I got was his voice mail. And when the same thing happened the next day, then the next, I didn't give up hope.

But good, stalwart girlfriend that I was, I waited until his conference went by, my hopes dying a little more every day.

***

Jadyn and Evie found me a few days later in Mr. Carmichael's office at the Ritz. I was staring at Instagram on my phone, images of water and eyeglasses from
Chinatown
frozen in front of me.

“Hey, girl,” Evie said, making me jump as she spun my chair around. It was about the only thing that had gotten my heart going for what seemed like forever.

There'd been no calls from Micah. No texts or e-mails. It was as if he'd disappeared from the pages of my life, never existing at all. The only trace he'd left was a track of pain crossing from one side of my body to the other, rusting and falling apart.

When Jadyn took a look at me, her gaze widened. Mom had also done that this morning. I'd even done it when I'd glanced in the mirror, seeing someone with pale skin under her slight summer tan, her eyes a dull blue, empty plates at an empty table.

If Jadyn was reluctant to comment on me, Evie wasn't.

“You really look like crap,” she said, bending down and resting her hands on the arms of the chair. She was so close that I could've pulled out the tiny hoop in her lip if I'd had any sass in me. “I knew you were in a bad place when you kept making excuses about going out with me and Jade.”

“I'm fine.” I tried to swivel back around to the computer, but Evie was small and strong, keeping me in place.

“You've also been too sick to work at the café.”

I'd had a tearing sensation in my stomach these past few nights. I hated myself for it, because Rex had affected me like this once, but he was only a tummy ache compared to the twisting, bladed sensation in my gut now.

All I want is to deserve you
 . . .

Evie glanced back at Jadyn, who found a chair to sit in. Evie drew up to a stand, her hands on her hips.

“What's going on with you?” she asked. “You'd said Micah is at some conference, but you've been in seclusion because of it? Snap out of it!”

I hadn't told her about the lack of returned calls and texts, or even about the “Rex was right” conversation. Putting them both into words would've made them too real.

“Everything's fine,” I said, feeling like ice was packed against my skin.

“Oh, you look fine, doesn't she, Jade? You look like you haven't eaten since that lake party and like you haven't had a good night's sleep in just as long. Is everything okay with you and Micah after that scene there? What aren't you telling me?”

“Evie, you asked me the same question the day after, and the answers are the same: a-okay and nothing.”

She blew out a breath. “I still get the feeling things aren't so right.”

“They are.” I forced myself to brighten, but it was a struggle. From Jadyn's face, I could sense that all she saw was a Happy Shelby mask. “So are we going to sit in this office all day or watch a movie?”

Evie didn't seem appeased. Jadyn just kept her mouth shut, maybe thinking that she wasn't a good enough friend to me yet to be offering an opinion. I was sure she'd have one for Evie afterward, though.

As we sat through
Chinatown
, the neo-noir action was only a blur. I took slight joy from seeing that there were a few more customers in the theater—hip nerds mostly—but it wasn't enough to truly lift my spirits. Micah was all I could think of.

Would he be back today? Would he call when he came home? Had he just needed time to work out our ever-complicated relationship?

I was so antsy that, right after the movie let out, I told Evie and Jadyn that I was going into the café early to make up for being sick lately, but I don't think they bought it. And when I said good-bye to Mr. Carmichael, he wore a concerned expression, too.

What a disaster I was, and there was only one way to pull me out of this.

I swallowed my pride, driving to Deacon & Darwin's, and when Darwin came to the repair shop counter, he seemed uncomfortable.

“Hey, Shelby,” he said.

“Hey.” I'd seen him a couple times since Marvin had blown through town, and I always wondered if he thought I was more trouble than I was worth. Micah most likely wouldn't have gotten violent with his dad if I hadn't been around for him to protect.

“S'up?” he asked.

Why was he playing dumb? “Just wondering if Micah's back in town.”

“Ah.” As hard music and metallic clatters came from the backroom, he rubbed the back of his tattooed neck. He was still wearing his nicotine patch. “Yeah, that.”

With a strained look, he opened a drawer, closed it, then searched in another one until he found an envelope. After he handed it over, I only gripped it.

“What's this?” I asked.

“From Micah. He . . . Well, maybe you should read it. He thought you might be stopping in.”

It was like I'd just taken the express down elevator through the floor. “He didn't call? He left a letter?”

He took pity on me. “He's taking some time away. I'm sure he talks about it in that . . . thing.” He gestured to the letter and looked away again.

Even if the answers were in the sealed envelope, I didn't want to open it. Micah was taking some time away. From me.

“Was he even at a conference?” I barely got the question out of my swelling throat.

“He was. I was supposed to go instead, but Micah volunteered to do it the other night, thinking I might like more time with Henry and Lucille. Deacon and I figured Micah could use the education, so . . .”

Darwin was dying to leave, and I couldn't open the envelope with him around, so I thanked him and made my way out of the shop. I went to my truck and drove off, but I didn't get far.

I pulled to the side of the road, long grass waving at me in what seemed like a sad good-bye. Still, I couldn't open up that letter.

Not until my phone dinged again.

But when I looked at the screen, it wasn't Micah. It was Evie checking on me.

The only thing Micah had to say to me was in this letter.

I forced my fingers to tear into the envelope, coming out with one page that had a few blocks of carefully printed words on it.

Shelby,

I meant everything I said to you. I love you with every breath I take. But I also meant it when I said Rex was right. You're going to have big things happen to you, and that doesn't include hanging around a person who will always disappoint you. I saw how much I did that the other night, and I can't shake it off.

I'm sorry I got you caught in a trap just because it amused me at first. You made me see what a destructive shit I am. In a way, you saved me and showed me what I need to fix in my life, and not just in a repair shop. But you shouldn't have to wait around for any kind of fixing. You should be at college, living the life you deserve.

Don't try to talk me into anything different. You're better off. You'll get older and thank God for the day I left, believe me.

And that's where the letter stopped, like he didn't know how to close it out. He didn't even sign his name, but I saw it floating before my eyes on the paper as I stared at it.

Micah
.

As I crumpled the paper up and threw it to the floor, I tried to forget his name. But with every weak, dying beat of my heart, I knew that it was going to be the only name that ever mattered to me.

***

When a big part of your world—the reason you get up in the morning all excited, the person you look most forward to seeing—gets taken away, the color washes out from everything. Food doesn't taste as good, and it feels like the air has enough weight to take the place of the humidity.

That's how the rest of the summer went for me, dragging by while rushing to its end at the same time. Rex had stayed up at college for his football stuff, rooming with a teammate while prepping for the upcoming season as their great hope of the future. Back here in Aidan Falls, his crew ignored me without him around to goose them.

I did have a few bright spots in life, though, and one of them found me on a weekday at the Ritz, as I tweeted on the theater's account about fun, evil factoids from
Rosemary's Baby
that might appeal to all the Goth-loving nerds and scary art movie lovers in town. Maybe even from out of town.

When Mom and Mr. Carmichael walked into the office, they both had barely restrained smiles that I was too dulled-out to feel. Something was up.

“Ready to go back to Texas-U soon?” Mom asked, her short blond hair windblown. Ever since Micah had left town, we'd been walking on eggshells less with each other, so I could be grateful for that. She didn't even seem to suspect that I knew about her pregnancy, so that was a blessing, too. And since I'd lost my scholarship, we'd even pulled together enough money for tuition and off-campus housing. I was going to live with a couple of out-of-state roommates I'd found online in a college apartment community. I was still searching for scholarships and other resources. Never say die, right?

But without Micah, I felt aimless, like I was just moving to another location, marking time.

Still, I smiled. “I'm definitely ready.”

Mom nodded at Mr. Carmichael.

I hadn't noticed that he had a hand behind his back until he presented me with a certificate. It was homemade and had fancy lettering. My name was written in bold.

First Carmichael Scholarship
, it said.
Presented to Shelby Carson, Businesswoman of the Future
.