Hooking Up : Sex, Dating, and Relationships on Campus (28 page)

WALKING THE LINE

Men’s greater control has led to the sexual exploitation of women in both the dating and hooking-up eras. According to Waller’s study of the dating era, exploitation occurred when one party was more interested in a continuing relationship than the other and thereby she or he was willing to give in to the other’s demands. Among dating partners during this time, women might exploit men by “gold digging,” while men could exploit women for sexual favors or “thrills.”55 Therefore, in a case where a woman had stronger feelings toward a man and was trying to secure him, she might offer more sexual favors. In the hookup era, sexual exploitation continues to be an issue for women. Since hooking up does not involve men spending money on women, college men have no fear of gold digging.56 Women, on the other hand, must be cautious about being used. Many of the college men I spoke with were aware that women were desirous of more committed relationships, yet men were often able to keep a woman as just a hookup partner.

Exploitation was an issue not just for women in some version of a relationship, but for those seeking relationships, too. Throughout the dating era, women who had a reputation for “putting out” might be asked on dates by a variety of men, each having the purpose of seeing how much he could get sexually.57 Certain women might be sought after for dates because they were defined as being sexually available merely due to their social class or occupation.58 For example, student nurses were stereotyped as a “good time” by college men. Thus, college men sought dates with student nurses in order to “get a little” sexually.59 Some college men in the hookup era who are interested in accumulating various hookup partners do so by going after certain women, as men did in the dating era. For example, several college students mentioned that freshman males have a great deal of difficulty getting into campus parties unless they know one of the hosts personally, while 180

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freshman women are granted free admission. This practice increases the likelihood of upperclassmen being able to hook up with freshman women who are a target because they are naive about the unwritten rules of the hookup scene.

Like women of the dating era, college women in the hookup culture must walk a fine line between being exploited and being excluded.

Those who choose to take part in the script not only risk being used for sex, but also risk their reputations. There are a host of norms to which contemporary college women must adhere in order to avoid being labeled a “slut.” College women can be negatively labeled if they hook up too often or with too many different partners. Indeed, women must be careful not even to appear to be conducting themselves in an overtly provocative manner or they will be perceived as “easy.” Kyle, a senior at State University, summarized it this way: “One night can screw up a girl’s reputation.”

Another pitfall for women is going “too far” sexually during a hookup. Many of the students I spoke with took for granted that it is a woman’s responsibility to decide “how far” a sexual encounter will go.

Lee, a freshman at Faith University, explained this attitude: “Because I think guys will always try to make [sexual] advances and it’s up to the girl to go along with that or not. And I think girls are scared to say no and to say that they are not into doing that because they don’t want to look stupid. . . . But I think ultimately it is up to the girl.” In the hookup culture, college women’s reputations can be affected not only by their own behavior, but even by whom they associate with on campus. For example, certain sororities on the campuses I studied were given nicknames having a sexual connotation. Similarly, an arti-cle in
Rolling Stone
magazine about Duke University quotes an anonymous blog entry entitled “How-to Guide to Banging a Sorority Girl,” which ranks the women of the “Core Four” sororities on campus in terms of their attractiveness. The blogger contends: “I would include a ranking for sluttiness, but in general all four are equally slutty.” The blogger goes on to say it may be difficult to have sex with women in one of the “hottest” sororities, “unless you are part of the lucky group of dudes that pass these bitches around.”60 Although this blogger’s point of view may be more extreme than that of most students on campus, it demonstrates how college women exist in a fishbowl, for others to watch and judge.

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In the dating era, women’s sexual behavior was also scrutinized.61

Women were permitted to allow some necking and petting, but were absolutely supposed to maintain their virginity. Advice books were filled with suggestions for women on how to conduct themselves in sexual matters.62 These books suggested that women were responsible for playing the “gatekeeper” role during sexual interaction on dates.63

The 1958 advice book
The Art of Dating
warned young women about what men really think about girls who go “all the way.” It suggested that if a girl allows a guy to go all the way, afterwards he is haunted by the question: “If she went all the way with me, how can I be sure there have not been others?” It continues by saying that men do not want to get “stuck with a tramp” for a long-term relationship.64

Although the dating script and the hookup script differ with regard to specific sexual norms, women’s sexual conduct continues to be scrutinized in a way that men’s behavior is not. Thus, the sexual double standard, which prevailed during the dating era, is still very much a part of the hookup scene. This scrutiny makes navigating sex and relationships in the hookup era difficult for women. Women want “romantic” interaction with men, but there are many pitfalls for them in doing so. The catch is that a woman needs to hook up in order to find someone with whom to have a potential relationship, yet her very participation in hooking up can mean that she is not taken seriously as a potential girlfriend, is exploited for sex, and/or is labeled a slut. Women of the dating era faced the same dilemma. For example, student nurses found themselves in a difficult situation because of the stereotype that they were promiscuous.

If she is not cooperative and does not meet the college boys’ expectations of sexual permissiveness, she is likely to be dropped immediately and have no further dates. If she is cooperative, she easily builds a reputation and becomes fair game for her current dating partner and later his friends and fraternity brothers. The authors suspect that more girls than not choose to solve the dilemma by being more permissive than they normally would, just in order to keep dating.65

Despite this dilemma, women actively participate in hooking up, as they did in dating. Why? Because the prevailing script in any era is seen 182

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as the only way, or at least the most likely way, to get together with men and feel a part of the social scene of their peers.

CONCLUSION

In the final analysis, much has changed since the dating era. Some of the changes can be seen as an improvement, and others can be viewed as negative. One of the most interesting things to examine about the shift from dating to hooking up is its impact on women. Since the emergence of hooking up can be traced back to the sexual revolution period, it begs the question: Have the goals of the women’s liberation movement been met? If the objective of women’s rights activists was for women to be able to have sexual experiences without having to barter exclusive sexual access in exchange for a wedding ring, there is evidence that it has been realized. Women’s sexual behavior has changed more than men’s since the 1960s, and on several key indicators women are reaching “parity” with men. For example, historically men had their first experience of sexual intercourse earlier than women; today, it is roughly equal.66

Historically, men also had a higher number of sexual partners than women; however, in more recent decades gender differences are less pronounced.67 These changes were precisely what many architects of the women’s liberation movement had in mind.

However, even as similarities between men and women increased, the double standard remains. On the campuses I studied, contemporary college women may be permitted to engage in a wider variety of sexual behaviors under a wider array of circumstances than their dating-era counterparts, but there are no clear rules guiding what they should do and under what conditions. The ostensible lack of rules in the hookup script may seem to be liberating, and perhaps it can be, but it is also problematic because there are many unwritten rules that women must learn as they go along. These unwritten rules continue to limit the options available to women who are interested in pursuing sexual relationships.

Despite the double standard, women do have more sexual freedom today than they did in the dating era. But, it was not only women who gained sexual freedom since the sexual revolution; men did also.

Since “respectable” women were not supposed to have premarital sex in the dating era, men who wanted to engage in sexual intercourse H O O K I N G U P A N D DAT I N G

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(while society looked the other way) had to do so with women of ill re-pute.68 In the hooking-up era, men have many more women to choose from for potential sexual encounters. For better or worse, men also do not have to put forth the amount of effort (e.g., phone calls, flowers, expensive dates, etc.) that their grandfathers did for sexual interaction to take place. Men today also do not have to propose marriage or walk down the aisle in order to have regular access to sexual intercourse. Indeed, men can have sex without entering into a relationship at all. Thus, hooking up is a system whereby men can engage in sexual encounters without the pretext of a relationship and where no guarantee of an ongoing or future bond with the woman is required. In a sense, it can be argued that men are the ones who really benefited from the sexual revolution. Robert, a sophomore at Faith University, opined:
Robert
:It almost seems like [the hookup scene] is a guy’s paradise.

No real commitment, no real feelings involved, this is like a guy’s paradise. This age [era] that we are in I guess.

KB
: So you think guys are pretty happy with the [hookup] system?

Robert
:Yeah! I mean this is what guys have been wanting for many, many years. And women have always resisted, but now they are going along with it. It just seems like that is the trend.

Clearly, women’s rights activists who called for sexual equality with men did not intend to promote a form of interaction that would be considered a “guy’s paradise.”

Despite the increase in sexual freedom since the dating era, the hookup culture is not as out of control as some observers (and college students) believe. Hooking up is dominant on campus, but it represents a wide range in terms of level of participation and sexual behavior.

There are many students who do not take part in hooking up at all and others who, for various reasons (e.g., they are in a relationship), have only hooked up a few times.69 For those students who have engaged in hooking up, many encounters involved nothing more than kissing. Although a hookup can involve casual sex between two parties who just met that evening, a hookup could also mean two people kissing after having a crush on each other for a year. Likewise, a hookup encounter may happen only once or evolve into repeatedly hooking up or even become a relationship. The point is that hooking up can mean different 184

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things, and it is too often assumed, by scholars and commentators alike, that it refers to only the most promiscuous scenarios.

This is not to say that extreme behavior is not happening in the hookup culture. For some students, college life can become an endless spring break. These are the same students who consume a dispropor-tionate amount of alcohol on campus and hook up with different partners on a weekly basis. This behavior raises a variety of health concerns, particularly with regard to the level of binge drinking and the potential for STD transmission or rape. It is students caught up in the extremes of the hookup culture who, to the exclusion of their more moderate classmates, have captured the attention of critics. Although this behavior needs attention, it can also distort the reality of life on campus for the student body as a whole.

Acknowledging the variation in the hookup culture is important not only for students generally, but also for understanding differences between genders. Although I chose to highlight the differences between men and women throughout the preceding chapters, there is, no doubt, as much variation within gender as there is across it. Just as not all students fit the mold of the most raucous partiers, not
all
men want sex and not
all
women want relationships. I spoke with some men who preferred being in a relationship over hookup encounters with new partners. I also spoke to some women who enjoyed the freedom and experimentation of the hookup scene (at least during freshman year). Therefore, it would be unfair to oversimplify the behavior of the sexes.

However, I found that women’s interest in hookup encounters evolving into some semblance of a relationship and men’s interest in “playing the field” was a theme that fundamentally affects the dynamic between men and women in the hookup culture.

Given that there is a wide range of possibilities available to men and women coming of age in the hookup era, it would seem that there is an almost endless array of choices an individual can make. For example, if a student wants to go to parties and hook up every weekend, he or she can choose to do so. Likewise, if a student wants to be part of the hookup scene, but as a more moderate participant, he or she can do that too. However, in many ways, the hookup system creates an illusion of choice. Although students have many options about how they conduct themselves within the hookup culture, they cannot change the fact that hooking up is the dominant script on campus. An individual student may decide to abstain from hooking up altogether, but they are H O O K I N G U P A N D DAT I N G

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more or less on their own to figure out an alternative. In other words, no other script exists side-by-side with hooking up that students can opt to use instead. Emily, a sophomore at Faith University, put it this way: “If [hooking up] is not what you’re looking for, then I guess it is hard to escape it.”