Hooking Up : Sex, Dating, and Relationships on Campus (23 page)

James
: I went out one time with a person, it was happy hour and we went to another place [together] and [then] I took her home.

She asked me to come in for a drink and I came in for a drink and then it progressed a little more and I was out [of there].

KB
: Why?

James
: Uhhh.

KB
: You thought she was trying to get too physical?

James
: I didn’t think she was like that first of all. You should see this girl at work, she is quiet and like all about her work. But outside of work she is totally different. It took me by surprise. I kind of weirded-out and left. [25-year-old alumnus of Faith University]

Apparently, James was under the impression that the woman he worked with was “not that kind of girl.” Thus, he was surprised that she initiated more than a kiss on their first encounter. This norm violation meant the first encounter would be the last. Similarly, Jake, a 28-year-old alumnus of State University, discussed a situation where a woman was very aggressive with him on the first date. Unlike James, Jake engaged in sexual intercourse with the woman, but was never able to think of her as a potential relationship partner.

KB
: Have you ever had a girl, postcollege, be aggressive with you?

Jake
: Yeah. Yes I have.

KB
: How did that work?

Jake
: It was after dinner and we are sitting in the car and it was right out in front of the place and she jumped over the car seat and she started . . . sticking her tongue down my throat.

It was pretty cool actually. It was a surprise. Yeah.

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KB
: [Laugh] So, did you go out on another date with her?

Jake
: Oh yeah.

KB
: Did that become a relationship?

Jake
: No. But it did turn into sex; let me put it that way.

KB
: Do you remember how many dates before it turned into sex?

Jake
: It was the first date.

KB
: Oh, it turned into sex that night?

Jake
: Yeah.

KB
: In the car?

Jake
: Yes.

KB
: What did you think of this girl, positively or negatively, [you said] it was kind of a surprise that she did that. Was [it] a good surprise?

Jake
: Well, let’s put it this way. It was good . . . from a physical standpoint, but that’s all I saw her as from that point on, as

[something physical]. I never took it serious[ly].

KB
: Do you think she was in it for the sex or do you think she wanted you to be her boyfriend?

Jake
: No, she wanted some sort of relationship. But, [oh well].

KB
: So how did that end?

Jake
: It just fizzled out. I just stopped calling [her].

Other men voiced similar concerns about women who were too

“forward” or “put out” too much, too soon.

KB
: You said that you would not try [to initiate] . . . something too sexual in the beginning if you wanted [to pursue] some sort of relationship. Suppose the girl were to try for something more sexual in the beginning. Would that actually deter you from being interested in her?

Will
: Absolutely. . . . Again, I don’t know who would make the first move . . . but I think that a girl that is too . . . what is the word?

KB
: Forward?

Will
: Yeah. A girl [that] is too forward . . . guys don’t like that kind of personality. [24-year-old alumnus of Faith University]

Twenty-eight-year-old alumnus of State University Matthew put it even more bluntly: “I would never, ever date a girl I banged on the first ll I F E A F T E R C O ll ll E G E

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night.
Never! Ever! Ever!
” [emphasis by interviewee, a 28-year-old alumnus of State University].

The men I spoke with were also concerned about their dates’ sexual history. Jake, a 28-year-old alumnus of State University, discussed his concern about the number of a woman’s past sexual partners. Interestingly, Jake says that some women are unwilling to reveal that information.

KB
: What about for a girl that you would be interested in. Would you have any expectation of what their [sexual] past would be or what you would find acceptable?

Jake
: What age are we talking about here? How old is the girl?

KB
: Well, let’s say she is your age.

Jake
: If she is 28, less than [the number of fingers on] two hands.

If she’s in double digits [I would be concerned].

KB
: Is that something you would normally talk about with a girl at some point, sexual history?

Jake
: Of course. I always like to bring that up. Sometimes they will talk about it, sometimes they won’t. Actually, now that I think about it . . . the girl I am with now . . . declined to answer that question.

Similarly, Matthew, a 28-year-old alumnus of State University, expressed concerns about a woman’s sexual past. Matthew’s concerns were particularly interesting when juxtaposed with his own sexual past.

KB
: Are you curious when you first become interested in someone, what their sexual past is?

Matthew
: Sure, for very practical reasons. You never know what you are going to get out there [in terms of sexually transmitted diseases].

KB
: If there was no such thing as STD’s, would you [still] care

[about their sexual past]? . . . If previous number of sexual partners came up, is there a number a girl could tell you that would make you cringe?

Matthew
: First of all, I think guys always inflate their numbers and I think girls always deflate their numbers. I think it would depend on the age. If you are talking about my age anything over 15 [past sexual partners] would make me cringe.

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KB
: But [you said previously that] your number is over 100 [past sexual partners].

Matthew
: Yes . . . there is a double standard. There is a certain amount of hypocrisy to our culture. There really is.

Later in the interview Matthew explained his philosophy on what women should do sexually in the postcollege environment.

KB
: So how should things progress sexually in a best-case scenario?

Matthew
: I think the less that a girl does [sexually] the better. You don’t want to play your hand right away. Because guys are smart . . . guys know if a girl puts out too much the first night, I don’t think I am anything special. I don’t think I am the cat’s meow . . . and all of the sudden after one night with me she turns into a sexually crazed lunatic. That is the furthest thing from the truth. You have to realize if she [gets physical] with you, who knows what she was doing last week. So . . . a girl that can practice a little self-restraint, I think is the one you are looking to keep.

THE ROLE OF ENVIRONMENT

In 2003, the movie
Old School
premiered, featuring comedians Will Fer-rell, Vince Vaughan, and Luke Wilson as thirty-something friends who buy a house close to a college campus and start throwing fraternity-style parties that attract herds of students. The story reveals that the men enjoy the license that the pretext of college gives them, and, regardless of their age, they start behaving like students themselves. The point is that environmental context facilitates behavior. The alumni I spoke with participated in the hookup scene while in college; after graduation, they began following the dating script because the environmental factors that sustained hooking up were no longer in place.

This does not mean that the alumni never hooked up since graduation.

In fact, there were circumstances, which mirrored campus life, where alumni would revert back to the hooking-up script.

According to alumni, after college, the only major exception to formal dating is when they spend time at the beach (also referred to as “the ll I F E A F T E R C O ll ll E G E

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shore”).6 Going to beach towns is very common among young heterosexual singles on the East Coast. Several alumni I interviewed spent many weekends during the summer at beach towns located a couple of hours from their full-time residences. Generally, they rent a beach property along with a large group of friends and acquaintances. When they are at the beach on weekends throughout the summer, they hook up; from fall to spring, they go on formal dates. A look at environmental context explains why the sexual script changes with the change of a season. Carol, a 24-year-old alumnus of Faith University, mentioned how she hooked up a couple times when she was at the shore. During the rest of the year when she was operating out of her home, she did not hook up (but did go on a few formal dates).

KB
: Are you talking about dating and hooking up as two separate things or the same thing?

Carol
: Two separate things. Like dating, I would actually go out somewhere like to dinner or to the movies.

KB
: Give me a scenario, one of a hookup and one of a date. What are the differences?

Carol
: Well, one of the hookups was [when I] met a guy at a bar, but I actually had known him [before that]. This was at the shore, he walked me home and I kissed him. Then the next time I saw him same thing, he’d walk me home [from a bar and] I’d kiss him.

In Carol’s case, her hookups at the shore culminated in “just kissing.” However, for several of the alumni I interviewed, hookups at the shore culminated in greater sexual intimacy on the first encounter. This is not surprising given that the hookup script allows for a greater degree of sexual intimacy even during an initial encounter.

Jake
: I met her three weeks ago down the shore and things progressed pretty quickly.

KB
: When you say progressed quickly, what do you mean?

Jake
: Well we hooked up both nights that weekend [when we met]. And she came back down this past weekend and we hooked up every night, four nights in a row.

KB
: Are you sexually involved with this girl fully?

Jake
: Not fully yet. Oral sex, not sex-sex.

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KB
: Not intercourse?

Jake
: Yes. [28-year-old alumnus of State University]

At first glance, interacting one way with the opposite sex for three-quarters of the year and then interacting a different way for one-quarter of the year (i.e., during summer weekends) seems inexplicable. However, when one considers the similarities between the shore and campus environments, it becomes clear why both these environments facilitate the same script for behavior. First, like college, the shore scene contains many familiar faces. Everyone is a friend-of-a-friend, so fear of strangers is nullified. Second, the landscape of the shore is similar to college insofar as you can walk anywhere you want to go.

Will
: Yeah, I definitely miss college. I think [that is] one of the [reasons] people of our age . . . look forward to the shore. I think the shore is kind of an extension to college.

KB
: And why is that?

Will
: Because you have a group of people living together, you are all living within a certain mile radius, where you can forget the car thing. Once you get down the shore for the weekend you can park the car and it’s not going anywhere. You can go out to a bar scene that is all young people and you are again in that college atmosphere. [24-year-old alumnus of Faith University]

Matthew
: The beach is the only exception to the [formal dating] rule.

It’s kind of like a fantasy land down there almost.

KB
: So what do you think is so similar, what do you think about the beach makes it more similar to college than here [in the city/suburbs]?

Matthew
: It’s the same concept of logistics. Everyone is packed into one small town. There is a sense of familiarity . . . you can meet people and recognize people. So any night you can go out to a bar [at the beach and] I’ll know at least thirty people at that place. Whereas if I go out to a club in [the city], I might run into one, maybe two people that I know. That’s that whole meeting people through other people deal. [28-year-old alumnus of State University]

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In addition to the logistical advantages and sense of familiarity at the shore, there is also a different definition of the situation. Recall that many students believed college was “time to party.” The shore scene encourages a similar mentality. The men and women I spoke with felt that they worked hard during the year and they deserved a break when they are on “vacation.” Stephen and Jake, both 28-year-old alumni from State University, said the following in separate interviews:
KB
: Would you say the shore is any different than [your] social life up here [where you live] in terms of [male/female interaction]?

Stephen
: Hmm-mm. I think it’s . . . more [of a] laid-back mentality during the summer. That so-called “it’s summertime I want to do my thing.” You see a lot more of that [at the shore] than you see up here during the wintertime.

KB
: Would you say that the shore is more like college than up here?

Stephen
:
Absolutely.
The shore is definitely closer to college than the city [where I live] is. [Emphasis by interviewee]

KB
: Is the summer [beach] scene different than during the year?

Jake
: No doubt about it. Yes.

KB
: Why is that?

Jake
: Girls are much more liberal, they are much more of interest, talkative down the shore. [At home] there is more dating, I’d say fall through spring. [During the] summer, everybody goes down [to the shore] just to have a good time.

KB
: There is more of like a hookup college scene [at the beach]?

Jake
: Totally.

KB
: What do you think of that? Do you like the summer?