Hooking Up : Sex, Dating, and Relationships on Campus (19 page)

Although both parties may agree that a friends with benefits relationship is not exclusive, the arrangement does not always play out so easily. Despite the positive spin that Gloria puts on it, many students talked about the potential problems inherent in these relationships.

Men were concerned that the woman would end up wanting more, while women were at risk for developing romantic feelings.

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KB
: Did you ever have an issue where someone wanted a relationship with you and you didn’t want it?

Joseph
: Yeah I had . . . one.

KB
: Okay and how did that happen?

Joseph
: We had something set up kind of where we were really close friends, we always had been, and one night we went a little further [sexually] than we probably should have. And [at first] we said that probably we shouldn’t do that again. And then we were like: “Oh well, we can probably keep doing that but we can’t let it go any further. We can’t get attached.”
KB
: Kind of a friends with benefits thing?

Joseph
: Yeah. That’s how we agreed on, like if one person was going home with somebody that night, we can’t be mad or anything like that. There wasn’t a relationship. It was strictly, if for some reason we needed [each other], the other person was there. [But] she got attached and that’s when things kind of went [wrong]. And I don’t even talk to her anymore.

KB
: So she wanted it to be a relationship?

Joseph
: Yeah.

KB
: Did you ever have an incident, a fight or something that blew up? Was she mad that you left with someone else or whatever?

Joseph
: Yeah, that’s kind of what started the whole thing because she got mad and I didn’t understand why because I thought we had that agreement. I guess I’m kind of dumb when it comes to that stuff. So I thought we had an agreement, so I didn’t understand why and then that’s what kind of finished off that. Then she wouldn’t talk to me the next day. [Senior, Faith University]

Ed
: More girls than guys are looking for relationships, but not necessarily a permanent relationship, just something that’s more than just a couple hookups or casual sex.

KB
: And does that create issues that girls are looking for relationships more than guys are? Do you see that creating problems?

Ed
: Yeah, yeah, because the next time you see them it’s . . . very uncomfortable [and] awkward.

KB
: So, you’ve had that issue where you thought girls were looking for a relationship [when you were not]?

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Ed
: Right.

KB
: And how can you tell that they’re looking for a relationship, do they tell you?

Ed
: Yeah, yeah. Or they’ll just, like I had one where [the girl] assumed that it was a relationship because we hooked up once.

[She] just assumed that meant that suddenly you’re girlfriend and boyfriend and she just took it way too fast.

KB
: And how did you let her know that wasn’t the case [that you weren’t really her boyfriend]?

Ed
: I just told her.

KB
: How did she take it?

Ed
: Then she was like: “Well,
can we still do that friends with benefits thing
?” And I was like: “No, I don’t want to do that.” Like I said before, I don’t want to be that guy who is seen as using somebody and I also don’t want to have this turn into something where you get all crazy and weirded-out. What I was afraid of is if she was at the same party and she saw me talking to another girl and then she came up and made a big scene about it. That would be very awkward and embarrassing for everyone involved so that’s what I try to avoid.

[Emphasis added] [Senior, State University]

Many students suggested that women may be more likely to get

“emotionally involved” with a friends with benefits arrangement. Even Gloria, who suggested she was happy with her friends with benefits situation, admitted that her male friend is also “her territory.” In other words, Gloria’s female friends were not permitted to hook up with her particular male friend. Thus, for women, there is an emotional or terri-torial dimension that factors into friends with benefits arrangements.

KB
: Are people that have a “friends with benefits” thing going, are they allowed to hook up with other people?

Violet
: Yes.

KB
: And does that ever create problems or issues? If you have . . .

a female friend that has a friend with benefits [arrangement]

and then she sees him hooking up with someone else, does that bother her?

Violet
: I think it bothers girls more than boys. Because a male friend of mine has a girl [and] they were just friends [but] they 122

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would sleep together. And then he met somebody and she got very upset about it. And [she] was like: “What is he doing?” and I am like: “I thought you guys weren’t together?” and she’s like: “Oh no!” I think girls get more emotionally involved with it, even though they are [supposed to be just] friends. [Junior, State University]

Another pseudo-relationship a number of students talked about was “booty calls.” A booty call is a late-night phone call placed, often via cell phone, to an earlier hookup partner, inviting him or her over for another hookup encounter.

Kevin
: My friend would always have . . . he would fool around with a girl, but then he always had this one [other girl] where . . .

what did we call her?

KB
: Plan B?

Kevin
: No, it’s his late-night call, no matter what. If he was going after some other girl all night, he could pick up the phone and call this girl and she would come over to his room.

KB
: And sleep with him?

Kevin
: [Yes] and sleep with him.

KB
: Okay. You don’t remember what the term was that you called her?

Kevin
: I want to say “late night . . .” [wait it’s] “booty call.” That’s your booty call! You pick up the phone and go: “Why don’t you come over?” and not even say sex or anything, just:

“Why don’t you come over.” She knows exactly what she’s coming over there to do. [Senior, Faith University]

KB
: What does [booty call] mean?

Lisa
: Like someone, well usually it occurs late at night when you’re, like everyone is usually drunk or whatever and someone calls you and [says] like: “Do you want to come over?” And you both know what’s going to happen. Like it’s usually a friend or something like that and they basically just want to hook up and that’s why they called you. Or com-puter IM’s [Instant Messenger], they happen now too.

KB
: You [can] do a booty call over the IM? (Laughs)
Lisa
: Yeah. [Laughs] [Sophomore, State University]

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Students suggested that booty call partners often have an ongoing relationship, albeit not a romantic one.

KB
: What about “booty call”? Does anyone use that term?

Brian
: [Laughs] Definitely, definitely. I mean it’s just, you use it jokingly. Like my one friend this past weekend was like: “Oops, booty call” and then left [the place we were hanging out].

Like, but I mean he’s been hooking up with her for a while.

She’s a good friend of mine from home. So I guess everything there is cool. But, yeah, I mean you’re not really just like: “Oh, I got a booty call” and you leave and like come back an hour later. I mean if it’s a booty call, it’s usually someone you’re hooking up with for a while. It’s not just [at random]. [Sophomore, Faith University]

A very interesting gender dynamic occurs with regard to booty calls.

In this type of relationship, men often placed the call or sent the text message; women accepted their invitation.25 On the face of it, it would seem that such an invitation would not be particularly attractive to women. Booty calls were a man’s last-ditch effort to find someone to hook up with for the evening. The man was often drunk when he placed the call and the woman generally would have to walk or drive over to his place late at night by herself. This does not seem like a very appealing combination. Yet, the students said women often took men up on their invitation. Why? One explanation is that women were on the same page as men. That is, the woman came home from a party or bar without finding someone else to hook up with that night. Thus, she was happy to have the opportunity to have a sexual encounter. Given how women are negatively labeled for having too many hookup partners, a repeat encounter with a previous hookup partner has its advantages. Consistent with this explanation, some students described this type of relationship as all about the sex.

KB
: What about “booty call,” does anyone say that?

Diane
: Uh-huh [yes].

KB
: How would someone use that in context?

Diane
: Friday and Saturday night you get a call at 2:00 in the morning saying “Come over.” Both of you are drunk.

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KB
: Does that, do you see that happening around [Faith University]?

Diane
: Uh-huh [yes].

KB
: And why do you think that happens?

Diane
: Because they come home, they’re alone, they’re drunk, they’re horny, they want ass. That’s basically it. [Sophomore, Faith University]

KB
: What does [booty call] mean?

Kim
: Um, that implies sex.

KB
: What kind of scenario would that be? How does sex happen in that scenario?

Kim
: I mean I think it’s pretty much synonymous with friends with benefits. I mean, you know the person, you may be friends with them, but, you don’t have a significant relationship and you just want your sexual needs to be fulfilled.

KB
: And why do you think people end up in those kinds of situations?

Kim
: Because they like sex.

KB
: Yeah?

Kim
: [Laughs] I mean, I guess. [Sophomore, Faith University]

Another reason why women might agree to a booty call is that maintaining any kind of ongoing relationship is better than randomly hooking up. Additionally, since women are often looking for committed relationships, any attempts by a previous hookup partner to pursue further contact may seem like a step in the right direction toward evolving into “something more.”

KB
: Do people in your circle of friends [use the term booty call]?

. . . Is that something people say?

Marie
: Yeah. I’m not going to say that I’ve never done that or been used like that, but sometimes you don’t realize that you’re doing it. Like, the guy I was with for seven months . . . he started to get weird and I like . . . wasn’t realizing that basically the only time he was calling me to come over (his place) was like one [o’clock] in the morning. But, I had liked him
so
much
that I was like: “That’s just how we are.” But, that’s ba-M E N , WO M E N , A N D T H E S E X UA ll D O U B ll E S TA N DA R D

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sically what it was [a booty call relationship] . . .
he was just
using me
when he felt like having me come over. . . . Guys love that [laughing]. If you’re cool with that, guys are like:

“That’s a great girl!” [Emphasis by interviewee] [Senior, State University]

Although, as Marie noted, “guys love” having someone available as their booty call, women who were hoping the relationship would develop romantically were usually disappointed.

WHY NOT OPT OUT?

For those on the outside looking in, it may appear that men and women are on an equal playing field in the hookup culture on campus. Upon closer inspection, however, it becomes clear that college men are in a position of power. First, men are able to sustain the hookup system on campus despite the fact that it is not working for the majority of women. Most of the students indicated that college men favor casual sexual encounters or casual relationships, whereas women prefer more committed relationships. Therefore, while the hookup system works for men, it does not provide a good way for women to get what
they
want. Men’s power in the hook up culture is also demonstrated by the fact that men control the intensity of relationships. They are able to keep most women as “just a hookup partner” and they decide if and when the relationship will turn into something more serious.

In addition to women’s struggle to get the type of relationships they want, they also have difficulty navigating the hookup system. On one hand, the norms for hooking up (or at least the perceived norms) call for women to be sexually active. On the other hand, if women behave “too sexually” or are otherwise out of line with the unwritten rules for hooking up, they can be negatively labeled and treated accordingly. It may be that women seek relationships to avoid this dilemma.26 Entering into an exclusive relationship, in particular, is a way for women to manage the double bind that they face. Since full-fledged boyfriends are hard to come by, women often agree to other options, such as friends with benefits and booty calls. However, more often than not, these arrangements do not work to women’s advantage.

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Given the inherent problems for women, why don’t they refuse to partake in hooking up? The answer seems to be that there is no clear alternative. If a student opts out as an individual, then she is no longer part of the mainstream on campus. Students who buck the system have few other options for engaging in sexual encounters and forming relationships. Theoretically, college women could ban together and refuse to participate in hooking up. However, this never occurred to any of the women I interviewed. Most college women did not necessarily object to hooking up per se; rather, they objected to how often it ends up leading to “nothing.” They seemed to accept hooking up as a given and alter their expectations accordingly.