Hooking Up : Sex, Dating, and Relationships on Campus (18 page)

Gloria
: I have a few [female] friends that have a rep, like a bad rep.

First semester we couldn’t go to certain frats because they were like with too many guys.

KB
: What do you mean you couldn’t go?

Gloria
: Like she wasn’t wanted there. She would have sex with this guy and then this guy [at some later point] and they’d be three frat brothers. They obviously don’t want this girl at their parties.

KB
: I don’t understand why that is obvious . . . why would they not want her there?

Gloria
: I don’t know. Maybe she would feell. . . stupid going there.

Say she had sex with this guy, she would get there and they would not acknowledge her. They would not talk to her, not even look at her . . . they would be . . . laughing at her [rather]

than like [saying]: “What’s up?”

It seems likely that a woman labeled this way (and treated accordingly) is affected both emotionally and, in turn, behaviorally. Sociologists argue that labeling can affect behavior by altering one’s sense of identity and thereby ultimately creating a self-fulfilling prophecy, whereby people live up to the labels imposed on them.17 If this is true, a young woman who is labeled the “campus slut” is likely to continue a pattern of behavior that will lead to further confirmation of the label.18 However, in some cases, life on campus might become too difficult. For instance, Violet, a junior at State University, had a 114

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female friend who ultimately transferred to a different college in order to escape the negative label imposed on her.

KB
: Do you know people that have a bad reputation on campus?

Violet
: I know . . . one friend who was at another campus. She had to leave [school because] she had a bad rep.

KB
: When you say “she had to leave” is it something she felt she had to [do] because she had a bad reputation? What made her leave?

Violet
: Because she slept with a lot of people on campus . . . people look at her as though she was a slut. And I think it made her feel like people were looking down on her so she had to leave to make herself feel better.

Another consequence for women was that men indicated that they would not be willing to be in a relationship with a woman who has a reputation for being highly sexually active. Interestingly, even men who were highly sexually active themselves said that they would refuse to be involved with a woman who behaved in the same way. For instance, Tony, a senior at State University, indicated that he had sexual intercourse with over forty women, but he would not want to be in a relationship with a woman who also had a high number of past sexual partners.

KB
: When you say that you know people who might hook up with twenty different people in a semester, are you talking about guys or do you know girls who do that also?

Tony
: [Laughs] Well, the one girl I was telling you about before, that’s one of the girls that does it. She’s like a guy, like she’ll go out and she’ll just like, she
loves
sex.

KB
: So, she hooks up with a lot of different people?

Tony
: Oh yeah.

KB
: Would you be willing to be in a relationship with a girl who was like that?

Tony
:
No way,
no way.

KB
: But, you were involved with her before?

Tony
: Yeah, I was involved with her freshman year, when I first got to know her. . . . What was the question, you said: “Would I be involved with someone like that [a girl who had hooked M E N , WO M E N , A N D T H E S E X UA ll D O U B ll E S TA N DA R D

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up with a lot of guys] after I knew she was [with a lot of different guys]?” For that reason alone, I mean I don’t want to date somebody that’s been with a hundred guys. [Emphasis by interviewee]

This does not mean that the men I spoke with would not hook up with a woman who had a bad reputation on campus. Rather, men will not consider
relationships
with women who are known as “sluts.” In my interview with Jack, a sophomore at Faith University, he discussed his current relationship status. Specifically, Jack mentioned a girl with whom he was pursuing a relationship. Importantly, Jack said that he wanted a relationship with this young woman because he had respect for her (unlike others on campus).

KB
: Are you single now?

Jack
: Trying not to be.

KB
: So, you’re trying to be in a relationship?

Jack
: Yes.

KB
: Is she a [Faith University] girl?

Jack
: Yes. She’s actually one of the few girls on campus that I actually have respect for. I’m just very picky when it comes to women.

Thus, women who are not worthy of “respect” will likely have difficulty forming relationships with men on campus.

BOYFRIENDS, BENEFITS, AND BOOTY CALLS

As a result of the sexual double standard, participating in the hookup culture can be risky for women. Most college women were aware of the rules imposed on them and the consequences of breaking those rules.

Although they may not have been cognizant of it, being in an ongoing relationship of some kind was a way for women to manage their reputations on campus.19 In the context of a relationship, college women are free to engage in sexual activity without the risk of being labeled or shunned.20 The students I spoke with often referred to women initiating “the talk” with men (i.e., a conversation to try to turn a hookup partner into a boyfriend).21 This was one way for women to try to gain 116

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control in the hookup scene, which is so fraught with pitfalls for them.

Adrienne, a senior at Faith University, had this to say about “the talk”:
KB
: So were you [and your current boyfriend] considered exclusive at some particular point? When did things transition to that?

Adrienne
: I’d say . . . we don’t really have an anniversary. We don’t really subscribe to that, either. But like, um, I made it mid-June. That’s when I have my own personal [anniversary] just to keep track. [Laughs] So, about mid-June going into junior year.

KB
: So what changed in June?

Adrienne:
Um, basically I’d come up [to visit him during the summer and] we had like a really fun time and I really liked him and he acted like he liked me. But he’s always like, he kind of did this like pull away thing. . . . But, I was like: “Look I’m really, I’m really starting to like you and I really just don’t want to get hurt. Like you tell me yes or you tell me no.” He’s like: “Oh, of course, you know, I really like you.” And then we kind of made it I guess official. So then I started, I kept coming up on the weekends [to visit him over the summer break]. . . . So we hung out.

In the case of Adrienne, “the talk” worked; however, many women were not as successful with this strategy, as is evident in the following exchange with Patrick, a junior at Faith University.

KB
: If you could have anything you wanted going on in terms of the opposite sex, what would be your ideal situation?

Patrick
: I think I would want a girlfriend, I think I would want to be in a relationship, but I’m like really sociable. So, when I was almost in a relationship, the girl [I was hooking up with] was upset because I would always be talking to other girls. So basically I would want somebody who would realize that I would want to be with one person but I would still like, like talking and hanging out and being close friends with other girls.

KB
: Okay, so tell me about that girl that had a problem with it.

How did you meet her and how did things evolve?

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Patrick
: We met first semester sophomore year and like we hooked up a couple times like we really never talked about a relationship until she brought it up the one time. And I’m like:

“Welll. . . yeah we could . . . like I’m not saying like I don’t want to start dating and seeing you exclusively but it would be nice to like . . . maybe just see what it’s like.” And then when I would see her at parties [and] I would be talking to other girls and she would be all upset. I’m like: “Well, you know if that’s going to get you upset, something small, just me talking to other girls, I mean I don’t think we would be able to work this out.” [But hooking up with her has] gone on. Like I still talk to her now and we stilll. . . hook up. But, I think she realizes that if we started seeing each other exclusively that I would still be talking to other girls and like being sociable to them. I wouldn’t hook up with them but I just think that she . . .

KB
: She gets jealous?

Patrick
: I guess, yeah.

KB
: But it’s been two years now that you guys have been hooking up off and on?

Patrick
: Yeah.

KB
: But you have freedom to hook up with someone else if you want to?

Patrick
: Yeah.

KB
: And she does?

Patrick
: Yeah.

KB
: And do you both take advantage of that freedom?

Patrick
: Yes.

KB
: Typically if people hook up with people repeatedly, would they talk on the phone in between or do they usually just run into them when they’re out?

Patrick
: I would say [they] run into them when they’re out. That’s when they’re just hooking up. When it becomes more serious I would say they talk to each other on the phone.

KB
: Okay, so what about you [and the girl you have been hooking up with for the past two years]? What do you do mostly?

Patrick
: I haven’t talked to her on the phone at all. I talk to her like on IM [instant message] every once and a while. But like I don’t like call her up and say: “Hey what’s going on?” I don’t.

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KB
: Okay, so you just see her in the course of things?

Patrick
: Hmmm-hmm [yes].

Like Adrienne and the woman Patrick refers to, many women indicated that they either want boyfriends or at least “something” beyond hooking up. Women who were able to find boyfriends could avoid hooking up altogether by being in an exclusive relationship (where hooking up with someone else would be considered cheating). However, for most women, boyfriends are not easy to come by during college.22 Generally, college men resist committing to an exclusive relationship in favor of remaining free to hook up with other partners.

For women who were unable to find men who were willing to be exclusively committed to them, there were other avenues they could pursue that would help protect them from the negative labels they might get from too much hooking up. A “friends with benefits” arrangement was one way to avoid acquiring “too many” new hookup partners.23 A friend with benefits refers to a man or woman who has someone of the opposite sex with whom he or she has sex on some level; however, they are not in an exclusive romantic relationship with that person. Friends with benefits are defined from the outset as “just friends”; the twist is that they are friends who are attracted enough to each other to want to engage in some version of a sexual relationship.24

Friends with benefits is not a step toward a romantic relationship and this is agreed upon in advance. Gloria, a freshman at State University, talked about her friend with benefits.

Gloria
: I have a friend who is like my best friend and we hook up every time we are out and pretty much drunk . . . we’ll hang out during the day, he is my best friend, and we won’t kiss or anything [during the day]. We have fun. But when we’re drunk, we hook up. But I guess you see that person out a lot and you hook up with [him] . . . [we] just kiss. Like I get really drunk and flirty, you hang on them, but it’s funny . . . it’s just like funny, friendship.

KB
: You talked about this person you hooked up with repeatedly. Does he call you, do you call him?

Gloria
: The guy that I hook up with repeatedly, we talk everyday, five times a day. He lives far away from me so we don’t really hang out that much. He lives in dorms [across campus].

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KB
: You don’t think of him as your boyfriend?

Gloria
: No, not at all, because he wants the same thing, just [to be]

single. [We] can hook up with [other people], that way we don’t get mad at each other.

KB
: So you don’t care that he hooks up with someone else at all?

Gloria
: No. I don’t care. I wouldn’t be like mad but I would be like:

“Oh, how is she?” You know what I mean, kind of jealous, but not like mad at all.

KB
: And same for you . . . he doesn’t care if you hook up with someone else?

Gloria
: Yeah. I mean he’ll say: “Oh, who’d you bring home tonight?”

[just] kidding around. He gets . . . jealous, but not mad.

As Gloria indicated, friends with benefits represent more than “just a hookup.” Someone who is just a hookup partner is not necessarily someone with whom you spend time beyond the night you hook up.

Also, someone who is just a hookup partner is not necessarily someone you know that well or care about in any significant way. Thus, a friend with benefits relationship may represent a middle-of-the-road option for those who do not feel comfortable repeatedly hooking up with what some students referred to as “randoms” (i.e., people they did not know well). The advantage of friends with benefits for women is that, unlike a casual hookup partner, at least the man is supposed to care about them as a friend (just not as a girlfriend).

In addition to the positives for women, men may also find friends with benefits to be an attractive option. Many men indicated that finding hookup partners involves a certain degree of “work” or “skill.” Having a friend with benefits provided a “steady hookup” option for those nights where finding a new hookup partner was not worth the effort. At the same time, friends with benefits does not imply an exclusive relationship; therefore, individuals are free to pursue other people whenever they choose. This level of freedom may make friends with benefits a very attractive option to many college students, particularly men.