Hooking Up : Sex, Dating, and Relationships on Campus (22 page)

Rather, men were playing their part.

SEXUAL EXPECTATIONS

It is not surprising that the men and women I interviewed were already familiar with the dating script upon leaving college. Since the dating ll I F E A F T E R C O ll ll E G E

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era, “the date” has been a part of our culture, portrayed in movies and on television for decades. Recently, HBO’s popular comedy series
Sex &
the City
followed the dating exploits of four thirty-something single women in New York City. The show’s depiction of the contemporary dating culture is one where there are virtually no rules. The characters are highly sexually active: they frequently have sex on the first date or go home from bars with strange men. This scenario makes for good entertainment, but its accuracy is questionable. Recent college graduates paint a much tamer picture of the dating scene. The people I spoke to were not only wary of strangers, but regarding first dates, they were very clear: anything more than a goodnight kiss was totally inappropriate.

KB
: What would physically happen on a date, okay [let’s] say you didn’t just meet [the girl], you already met and [then]

you went on a date. Do you kiss at the end of the date? Do you have to wait until the second date?

Clark
: I don’t think there is a standard for those kinds of things. I have gotten a kiss goodnight; I have given a kiss goodnight.

Never more than that on a first date. . . . [On the] third date, probably [things] get a little more physical. But definitely not the first time you go out. The first time you went out, if you had a good time, I’d hope to get a kiss goodnight.

KB
: You say “get a” as though they would give it to you.

Clark
: Oh, I would probably instigate it and hopefully she would accept. [25-year-old alumnus of State University]

KB
: What about [what happens] physically at the end of the night. Did you ever get physical with someone at the end of a date?

Carol
: I would just kiss them goodbye before I got out of the car.

[24-year-old alumnus of Faith University]

State University alumnus Jake, 28 years old, agreed with Clark and Carol.

KB
: What about the end of a date, how do they usually end?

Jake
: Usually I will just kiss them goodnight and that is it. I don’t expect anything else.

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KB
: And why is that?

Jake
: Because if you were too aggressive then you are wasting your time because they are going to be turned off. But I don’t know; it’s not going to work, [you should] take things slower.

Alumni stressed how important it is to “get to know” someone before anything sexual happens. To this end, many suggested that it is not only common for nothing sexual to happen on the first date, but even on the first few dates. This represents an abrupt change from the norms of the hookup script. In college, students indicated that it was permissible to go home with someone that you had never dated, or in some cases never met, and engage in a sexual encounter. Suddenly, the same people who hooked up in college now believe men and women should find out more about each other before anything sexual happens. However, if the two parties are going to continue dating, things must escalate sexually at some point, but when? Although their answers varied, the consensus seemed to be “the later, the better.”
KB
: Do you remember how far into your relationship with your fiancé you guys slept together?

Carol
: Six or seven months . . . I don’t think there is any right time to have sex or not to have sex. I think a month or two is really soon. I don’t think you really know someone well then. But then some people might think six months isn’t [a long time, either]. It depends also on how often you see and talk to the person. If you are seeing someone for six months but you see them every other weekend and talk to them three times a week, I don’t think that you know that person as well as someone [who] talks to each other every day on the phone and sees them three times a week. . . . I think that [at] six months we had met each other’s family. . . . [By then] I felt like I had known him for much longer than six months. And so I think that if you really know someone, I can only [have sexual intercourse] with someone if I can tell them everything.

KB
: Did you feel like it was both of your decisions to wait until the six month mark or he was ready and you decided when?

Carol
: I think it was more that I did decide when, but he never tried to get me to [have sexual intercourse] earlier. [24-year-old alumnus of Faith University]

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Clearly, alumni had not reverted back to the script of the dating era with regard to when sexual intercourse should occur. Most of the men and women I spoke with were not adhering to the guideline of waiting until marriage (or engagement) for sex. Instead, they made decisions about sex in light of more contemporary standards (i.e., premarital sex is expected). However, it should not be inferred from the excerpt from Carol that six months, or any other particular time frame, constitutes a norm for when sexual intercourse takes place in the postcollege dating scene. Rather, the point is that delaying sexual intercourse beyond the initial dating phase is regarded as the “right thing to do.” Raquel, a 24-year-old alumnus of State University, was also in a very serious relationship at the time of the interview. She was not engaged, but she was living with her boyfriend. Like Carol, she thought it was better to

“wait” before having sexual intercourse. However, Raquel’s version of how long to wait differed significantly from Carol’s.

KB
: Do you remember with [your current boyfriend] when things escalated sexually?

Raquel
: I made him wait a long time. I made him wait.

KB
: So he wanted to [have sexual intercourse] before you [did]?

Raquel
: Oh yeah, he did. He wanted to from the beginning, but I made him wait a long time. I made him wait like a couple months, which for me was a long time.

KB
: Okay. When you say you made him wait, do you mean for intercourse?

Raquel
: Yeah.

It was not only women who believed delaying sexual intercourse was the appropriate course of action. Will, a 24-year-old alumnus of Faith University, was also in a serious exclusive relationship at the time of the interview. In the excerpt below, Will discussed what he thinks is appropriate to do sexually on the first date and thereafter. Again, although there is no specific time dimension, waiting until the relationship progresses and both parties are on the “same page” seemed to be critically important.

KB
: What do you think is appropriate to do with someone physically or sexually in the dating realm now that it is postcollege?

Do you have standards as to what you think is appropriate?

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Will
: Umm. As far as a first date goes?

KB
: Yeah.

Will
: I think the first couple dates I wouldn’t even expect anything, after a kiss that’s it. All you do is kill yourself if it’s anything more than that. Why would you want to do that?

You are just getting to know the person. After college you are possibly looking for that person that you want to spend the rest of your life with so I think it’s a long process until you actually realize if that is the person you want and you get a good enough feeling that’s what she wants then it goes to the next level. And that could be months [or] that could be a year. For myself and for my girlfriend [just kissing] lasted a while.

KB
: Just kissing?

Will
: Yeah. I think any more would have hurt us and I don’t think I would be together with her right now.

KB
: Try to explain that a little more. Why do you think that is the case?

Will
: To be blunt about it, I think the guy is a jerk.

KB
: The guy is a jerk if he tries for anything [sexual] too early?

Will
: Maybe I am just different. I think if you really care about this person, and it’s not about like holding back, it’s not like I was saying: “Hey I really like this girl and I am not going to do something to screw it up.” I didn’t
want
to do it. I really cared about her and thought I was going to be with her for a long time. I wanted that to be special, I wanted to wait a while and make sure that us two were really connected, on the same page and that it was going to be a long relationship.

KB
: Not to be graphic, but there is kissing and sleeping together and a lot of in between. Are you saying you should wait for even the in-between [sexual interaction] for quite a while?

Will
: Yeah. Absolutely . . . I think my longer relationships have been when it’s been a friend first, so we might meet and then hang out for a while as friends. Then we realize this is great and maybe take it to another level as far as going out by ourselves [on dates] to dinner, movies, whatever, out to the bar scene maybe meet up with people. Then obviously you have feelings for each other, so there is kissing going on, a goodnight kiss [and eventually that] might lead to something else.

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KB
: And do you think that this is a unique standard that you have. Or do you think that this is what [your friends] think too?

Will
: I would say my closer friends feel that way. [Emphasis by interviewee]

REVISITING THE SEXUAL DOUBLE STANDARD

The change, with the dating script, to more conservative sexual norms is ironic. Sexual behavior is no longer taking place under the micro-scope that it once was. During college, students were able to heavily monitor one another’s actions, gossip about others, and label peers for violating norms. Women’s behavior, in particular, was under scrutiny if they were too promiscuous. Thus, the college hookup scene contained many pitfalls for women. After college, nobody is watching anymore.

The postcollege environment is no longer conducive to keeping abreast of the “private” lives of hundreds of people. Therefore, with their reputations no longer at stake, it would be logical for women to feel free to

“let loose” sexually after college. Yet the opposite is true.

Generally, alumni indicated that life after college is much more isolated; they spend most of their time either at work or with a few close friends. They became less preoccupied with one another’s business. As a result, sexual behavior became more private after graduation. The men and women I spoke to said that they did not know the intimate details of their coworkers’ or, in some cases, even their close friends’ lives anymore. Twenty-five-year-old Shana, an alumnus of Faith University, had this to say on the subject:

KB
: In terms of either you or your group of friends, do you have a standard of what you think is appropriate [sexually] and when? When things can get more physical or when things, if ever, should advance to sleeping with someone?

Shana
: I don’t think we have a standard . . . I don’t think we really talk about it so much anymore.

KB
: Why do you think that is?

Shana
: I just think everybody is getting older and we don’t want to say it.

KB
: It’s more private?

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Shana
: Yeah. It’s more private [than it was in college]. It doesn’t have to be everybody’s business.

The influence of a new, more isolated environment is also a factor, according to Lucille, a 23-year-old alumnus of Faith University. “Because we don’t live in such close proximity to each other anymore [as we did in college] . . . and because we don’t wake up and go to brunch or whatever, so you don’t know as much [about each other’s personal lives].” Matthew, a 28-year-old alumnus of State University, believed that there is a greater degree of anonymity in the postcollege environment, and that this anonymity protects one’s reputation.

KB
: When you said people would get reputations for [having sexual intercourse on a first encounter] in college, would they now [in the postcollege environment]?

Matthew
: No, because that is the whole logistics thing . . . it’s so vast.

I could literally go out and have sex with two different women on two different nights and they would never know each other. If they went home and talked to anyone they probably wouldn’t know who I was. So there is anonymity to it.

If women’s reputations are not on the line, why does sexual behavior become more conservative after college?

During college, women had to learn the rules as they progressed through their four years on campus. By senior year, many women had figured out that the more they really liked someone and the more they wanted a relationship with that person, the less they should do sexually. Specifically, these women learned that if they were “too sexual” during an initial hookup, the man of interest would be less likely to consider them for a potential relationship. I believe that many women take this knowledge with them after graduation and it affects how they adapt to dating. Women have more at stake than ever relationship-wise as they become increasingly focused on finding the person they will eventually marry. Even if women no longer have to worry about being labeled by their classmates, they do have to worry about what their date thinks of them and whether he will call again. This may, in part, account for the more conservative sexual behavior exhibited in the postcollege environment.

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There is still a sexual double standard after college. However, sexual behavior is being evaluated by the two
individuals
on the date, rather than by the group (i.e., the inhabitants of the college campus). As in college, it is women’s sexual behavior that receives the closest scrutiny and there are consequences for those who violate the sexual norms deemed appropriate for the dating script. The men I spoke with said they would not be interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with a woman who was too sexually aggressive, particularly on the first date.