Hope for Him (Hope Series Book #2) (24 page)

"I always looked at it as I was cheating on you with her." I knew it was stupid before it came out of my mouth. 

"Are you fucking kidding me?"

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that."

"Oh, Jackson. Why? Why didn't you just tell me about Tiffany."

"When was I supposed to tell you about her?"

"When you met her. When you asked her out. When you decided to call her your girlfriend. Any of those times would have been appropriate."

"Yeah, I can hear the conversation now. I call you up and say hey Carrington, how's it going, oh, by the way, I’m sleeping with someone. Deal with it."

"We were just friends, Jackson. You should have told me."

"Don't you say that. We have never been just friends. We have always had a connection and you blame me for not moving fast enough or not acting on those feelings, but what about you?"

"What about me?"

"You knew how I felt about you, how I've always felt about you. You never gave me a clue as to what you were thinking. Hell, you didn't tell me you were coming back to school here even though you knew about it all summer. You could have given me a heads up. You show up and expect me to drop my whole life because now you’re ready to be with me. That's fucked up, Carrington."

She sat up on the edge of the couch and swayed back and forth. Tears threatened to spill, but she blinked them back. I could see the goose bumps on her skin from across the room. 

I wanted to move next to her, wrap my arms around her, and keep her safe and warm. I wanted to go back to a few days ago when she was lying in my arms and all was right with the world.

"You're right."

I studied her face and her head was tilted where I couldn't see her eyes. I wanted to see her eyes.

"Carrington."

She broke down. The dam broke and she was shaking and having trouble breathing. I moved over to her and reached for her. She pushed my hands and arms away, but I held on tight.

"Shh, baby. It's okay, I got you."

She moaned and fought me more, but I held on tight.

"Stop, Carrington. It’s okay." I kissed her forehead and rubbed the side of her head. She calmed down and relaxed into my side. I held her until her sobs became a moaning cry. She was so hurt and broken and all I wanted to do was help her, but I was the reason for her pain this time.

"I'm so sorry, Carrington. All I ever wanted was to be with you. I love you so much. You and I belong together and now is our chance. Don't say we can't be together."

She moaned louder and tried to get up, but I pulled her to me and found her lips with mine. I pressed my lips into her and hoped they would reminder her what we had. She stiffened against my kiss, but soon she melted into me and kissed me back. I felt her tears mix with my own as they fell down her face. I needed more. I needed to feel all of her. I needed to remind her that she belonged to me, and I belonged to her.

I pushed her shirt up over her head and stopped kissing her.  I sought out her eyes. I saw a glimmer of hope, and it was all the encouragement I needed. I placed my lips on hers and pushed my tongue into her mouth. I pushed her onto her back and reached between her legs and she moaned from my touch. She was ready for me. That, along with her eagerness to help me remove my pants, let me know she needed this as much as I did.

We pushed my pants halfway down and she pulled me out and guided me to her. I pushed her panties to the side and let out a sign of relief as I pushed all the way into her. She moaned and closed her eyes. Her head rolled back onto the couch. She moved back and forth under me and I had to concentrate to keep up with her pace. I was so happy she wanted me. The idea of losing her after all that we had been through made me sick. It broke my heart. I grabbed her breast and squeezed her nipple between my fingers. She moaned and arched her back. I covered the other with my mouth and pounded into her.

I felt her orgasm as she spasmed with me inside of her and she held her breath. When it was over, her hands latched onto my neck and she pulled my mouth toward her. She sucked in a breath right before covering my mouth with a kiss. It was so hot, I couldn't hold out. I grunted and pushed into her one last time as my tongue did the same and I came so hard.

The whole couch twitched, and I concentrated on breathing with my face buried in her neck. When my heart rate decreased, the sound of Carrington’s tears filled my ears. I squeezed my eyes shut. Her body shook and I tried to hold her, but she pushed me away. I didn't want to, but I had no choice. I opened my eyes. Spots darted back and forth. When I was able to focus, I saw it in her eyes. This wasn't what I thought it was. This wasn't make-up sex. 

This was a goodbye fuck. 

C
arrington Olivia Butler

Jackson sat up and pulled his clothes back on. He knew, and I was so grateful I didn't have to say it out loud. I covered myself with a throw pillow and pulled my skirt back down. He got up and headed toward the door without looking at me. This was what I wanted, but I couldn't believe it was ending.

"Jackson." He stopped but didn't turn around. "I'm sorry that it turned out this way."

He turned around so fast; I scrambled back to the corner of the couch.

"Fuck you, Carrington. No, you're not."

"J—"

"You're not sorry because if you were, you wouldn’t do this. This is your choice."

I lowered my head and tried to control my anger.

"I admit, I lied to you and you're hurt, I get that. I wish I had handled things different, but this doesn't have to be it. Neither of us planned that night, but it was something we both wanted for so long. I’m sorry I decided to push the rest of the world out of my mind and concentrate on the most important person in my life. I wanted to show you how I felt about you because you wouldn't let me tell you."

"I don't understand."

"You wouldn't." His cheeks were bright red, and his eyes grew dark as night.

"Jackson, this is not my fault."

"Of course it's your fault."

"Did you know Josh cheated on me?"

His eyes narrowed. "Oh, my God, what are you talking about?"

"That girl Candace. She said they were both high and it didn't mean anything, but that's bullshit. After everything Josh did to me, at least, I never thought he would cheat on me, and he did. And you're the same. You're a cheater, too."

"You are unbelievable. You are pissed off at me because of something your dead ex-boyfriend did over a year ago." I flinched when he said the word dead.

He walked over and sat on the coffee table in front of me. He placed his elbows on his knees and closed his eyes. When he opened them, he focused on my eyes, and I was afraid to look away. He turned his head to the side and spoke slow and careful.

"What's happening here, between you and me, has nothing to do with Josh. And the fact that you think it does, scares the hell out of me."

"Wh ..." I couldn't think of a response. I didn't think this had anything to do with Josh. Jackson cheated on me or cheated on Tiffany with me, but same difference. Regardless, he cheated and he lied, and I couldn't be with someone I didn't trust.

But I didn't tell him that. I couldn't bring myself to say it because I wasn't sure I believed it myself.

"Carrington, please. You need to get some help. You need to deal with your feelings about Josh. You need to let him rest and get on with your life. He can't hurt you anymore, and I am not him. I never was."

Jackson stood back up. I didn't want him to walk away.

"I love you and Jack, so much." Tears fell from his eyes now. "I still think we could have a chance someday, but for now, I'm going to leave you alone."

He leaned over and kissed the top of his head.

"Kiss Jack for me, too." His voice cracked when he said Jack's name and a moan escaped from my throat, but it wasn't enough for Jackson to stop. He left and didn't bother to look back on his way out.

I buried my face in my hands but sat up. They smelled like Jackson. I took another whiff to make sure it wasn't my imagination. No, it was him and his sweet, sweaty and woody smell. He reminded me of the FSU campus in the fall. When the breeze blew the smell of magnolia and maple tree across the quad.  I found my shirt on the ground and held it to my nose. It smelled like Jackson, too.

I ran to the bathroom and jumped in the shower, peeling my clothes off and leaving them on the shower floor. I stood under the water spray letting it take my tears down the drain with it. I scrubbed my body, trying to remove his scent, but I could still smell him. His scent was in my nostrils, in my skin, deep down in my pores.

I sat down on the floor of the shower, unable to stand on my feet for another second. The tile I picked out mocked me because, in the back of my mind, I picked it out hoping Jackson would like it. 

"Oh, God." I clenched my chest. My body felt weak, and my mind scattered and unfocused. A ten-pound weight settled on my sternum and threatened to cave in my chest cavity. I put my head down and concentrated on breathing—inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale. I figured, if I could conquer this most basic bodily function for the next few minutes, I could move onto something else.

I could learn how to do this on my own. I would have to because I had no one else to depend on except me.

I could do this. I could teach myself how to live without Jackson Latre Mitchell in my life. After what he said, I had no choice.

J
ackson Latre Mitchell

Carrington and I had avoided each other since I walked out three weeks ago. She didn't try to contact me, either, but no one else in our life could move on.

"Dude, you need to go and see her before she leaves," Jeff asked.

"No."

"Why don't you give her call?" Jeff asked.

"If she wants to call me, she's got my number."

Jeff, Richard, and I worked on routes after practice. The rest of the team had broken for the Christmas holiday and Coach gave us three days to rest before we came back to practice for the bowl game. We missed our chance at a national championship, but we got a good bowl game, and I wanted to win it. Go out with the best record of any FSU quarterback.

I also got an invitation to New York for the Heisman Ceremony, but it was a forgone conclusion it was going to a running back from Clemson. I was looking forward to the trip. Hanging out with the guys in New York City and trying not to get bogged down in regret that Carrington and Jack weren't here with me.

"You chased after this girl for two years and now you're giving up. That doesn't sound like you, J," Richard said.

"I know. I'm doing things different. It didn't quite work out for me the other way, now did it?"

"You're such a pussy, man. You love this girl, so what's the big deal? Call her."

"It's not that simple, Richard." I tossed him the ball and headed to the locker room. This conversation was over.

They gathered their stuff and jogged to catch up.

"We don't mean to give you a hard time, but we're worried about you," Richard said.

"And you call me a pussy."

"So, it's over?" Jeff said.

"Yes, it's over." I was getting tired of repeating myself.

"So, next year," he stopped me, "when you’re off being number one draft pick and she and I are stuck here on campus, you won't mind if I ask her out." Jeff grinned and looked over to Richard.

I dropped my stuff, grabbed him by the collar, and pushed him up against the door. I pushed my fist up into his throat. I knew he couldn't breathe. I didn't care. My head pounded out of my chest. The idea of him putting his hands on Carrington made me crazy.

"Jackson, man, let him go." Richard had an arm around my throat and pulled me back.

I stumbled back and put my hands on my knees, trying to focus on breathing and not letting the tears fall. Not in front of the guys.

I wasn't sure why I went off on him. That was Jeff, always making inappropriate jokes, but going after him was wrong. 

"J—"

"Jeff, man. Give us a second."

I saw the concerned look on Jeff's face as he rubbed his neck. He picked up his stuff and went inside the facility.

"What the fuck was that about?" Richard asked. 

I stood up, ran my hands through my hair, and took a deep breath. I didn't look at Richard. I paced back and forth in front of him trying to figure out if I was losing it or having a temporary lapse in sanity.

It didn't seem real that Carrington and I were done. I remembered her dream, only in real life, I was the one who felt trapped. It was how I felt all last year when I was on campus without her. It was only a matter of time before she and I would be together. Deep down I believed that, even though nothing that had happened in the last few weeks, hell, few months since she arrived on campus would give me any indication it was going to happen. 

"I don't know what I'm doing."

"Obviously."

"You know, despite everything that’s happened between us, I always thought it would work out."

"I know, man." Richard approached me with caution and put his hand on my shoulder. "Hey, it still might."

"I don't think so."

"How do you know?

"Because I ended it. I gave up on her and that is all she is going to think about when she thinks of me. I made a huge fucking mistake. How am I supposed to convince her?"

"Well, you have to try."

He made a whole hell of a lot of sense. After everything, I owed it to her and to myself to at least try.

"Maybe you're right?"

"Yeah, well, I keep trying to tell you."

I grinned. The door to the facility opened and Jeff peeked around the door. He had a neck brace around his neck and a goofy grin on his face. I howled when I saw him. I walked toward him, and he planted himself up against the side of the building.

"Oh, Jackson, sir. Please don't hurt me. I'm sorry."

"Shut up, man." I extended my hand, we shook, and I pulled him in and put him in a headlock.

"Seriously, dude. You like hurting me. What's that about?"