Hopeful (8 page)

Miriam was starting to understand her friend in a new way. “Mary Kate, did that experience make you wary about men? Did something happen?”

“I, ah, once dated a man who wasn’t the type to take no for an answer. He was difficult to get away from.” Looking beyond Miriam, out the window, Mary Kate murmured, “Sometimes I fear that even Sugarcreek isn’t far enough away from him. That maybe I’ll never be far enough away.”

Miriam was confused, but finally was beginning to understand her friend’s constant talk of getting away. “Do you think he might be looking for you now?”

“
Nee
. Well, I hope and pray not.” She pursed her lips, then said, “When I broke things off, he didn’t take it well. My parents didn’t really understand either—he is the son of their best friends. That is why I took this teaching job in Sugarcreek. I was willing to do anything to get away. To have an excuse to leave him behind.”

Miriam shook her head in wonder, torn between the desire to hug Mary Kate tight and pester her with a dozen questions.

Here, they’d been practically in each other’s pockets since Mary Kate arrived but never had her friend hinted that she had just come out of such a scary situation. “I don’t know what to say.”

“There isn’t anything to say.” Her voice turned brisk. “I was in an uncomfortable situation but things are better now. Please just don’t mention this to anyone.”

“I won’t.” But as Mary Kate stared at her, a fresh wave of fear in her eyes, Miriam felt chilled. Was there more to her friend’s story than she had shared?

“I had better go.” Miriam was desperate to know more but could tell her friend was done sharing her secrets. Rather than chance her pushing her away, she thought she should head home and give Mary Kate some space.

“All right.” Mary Kate walked to the door and held it open. “Thank you for listening to me. All this time, I’ve kept what happened to myself. I didn’t want you to think differently about me, and I really didn’t trust myself to even think about Will.” She sighed. “But now that I’ve talked a little bit about what happened, I feel as if the biggest weight has been lifted from my shoulders.
Danke
.”

“I didn’t do anything.”

“You did more than you know. You know, someone just yesterday told me that it was good to share one’s burdens. Now I realize that was mighty good advice.” With a fresh smile, she said, “See you tomorrow at
gmay
.”

Miriam smiled, but as she slowly made her way down the rickety steps leading down from Mary Kate’s apartment, she wondered how in the world she was going to get through church and keep two friendships.

Tomorrow at church she was going to have to let Junior sit with them after services. She was going to have to watch Junior flirt with Mary Kate . . . all while knowing that Mary Kate wanted nothing to do with him.

And of course, to make matters worse, she was going to have to hold her own wants and thoughts close to her heart. There was no way she could ever let Junior know how much she wished that she was the girl on his mind.

And no way could she ever let Mary Kate know that she was so glad she didn’t like Junior.

It was a terribly awkward situation. And, it seemed that she had no one to blame for it but herself.

Walking down the sidewalks of Sugarcreek, Miriam realized that Mary Kate had had a very good idea. She, too, needed a break from her life.

Suddenly, sitting on a beach in Florida, doing nothing more than watching the surf lap the beach, sounded like absolute bliss.

Three long days had passed since Judith had sat beside her husband at the doctor’s office and discovered that life as she knew it was over.

It had felt like much longer, though. Each hour had lurched and hobbled by, passing painfully. Lingering far too long, almost as if each minute had wanted to sit a spell and make an already painful moment of time even more disappointing.

Alternating between her heart breaking and her temper flaring, Judith had stayed close to home, even pushing aside Ben’s efforts to soothe.

She felt bad about her behavior, that she hadn’t reached out to her husband and attempted to offer him any sort of support.

But even the thought of attempting to console him felt like too much effort.

Besides, she had no right to soothe and comfort, did she? She was the one with the problem. It was her fault that she couldn’t bear children. Not Ben’s.

Yesterday she’d barely gotten out of bed. But today Ben had insisted she get dressed and eat breakfast before he left to go work at her family’s store.

An hour after he left, she discovered why he’d done so. Her mother had come knocking, her face a testament of concern, her eyes looking about Judith’s home with a sharp expression. No doubt not missing a thing.

Judith had stood against the living room wall, her arms folded across her middle as her mother eyed the wooden floor that needed to be swept, the area rugs that needed to be shaken, and the counters and tabletops that needed to be dusted.

At last, her mother turned to her with a sigh. “Judith, dear, I wish you would have asked for some help. Gretta and Clara and I could have come over and helped you clean.”

Having her two sisters-in-law over would have been terrible. Gretta and Joshua already had two children and were expecting their third. Clara’s twin girls were almost two years old and adorable. Though Judith didn’t begrudge them their happiness, at the moment it would have been too hard to watch.

“I didn’t need them here, Mamm.”

“They want to help, dear. And they could help you with the
haus
. . . .”

Judith couldn’t care less about what her mother thought about the condition of the house. She hadn’t invited her
mamm
over, and she was too old to be shaking in her boots about her lack of housekeeping efforts.

Her temper snapped. “Mamm, this is my home. I know it’s a mess right now. But to be honest with you, I don’t care.”

After giving her a long, thoughtful look, her mother said, “Daughter, I promise, I did not come over here to be critical. I came over to ask you to think about taking a little break from your duties here.”

“What are you talking about?” As far as Judith knew, she didn’t have any duties—besides taking care of Ben and the house. Which she hadn’t been doing.

“Daed and I would love for you to be home for a bit,” her mother said with false brightness. “Anson and Toby and Maggie would love it, too.”

Little by little, Judith was starting to realize that her mother’s invitation hadn’t been instigated by her poor housekeeping.

And Judith knew it had nothing to do with her smaller siblings missing her. Anson was eleven now and had time for only himself. Toby was nine and thought only about school. And Maggie? As much as Judith adored her little sister, everyone knew that Maggie’s heart belonged to her adored brother-in-law, Ben.

So, what was the reason? Was Mamm merely worried . . . or had Ben asked her to come? “I can’t move back home.”

“I’m not asking you to move home. Just spend some time there.”

“Because?”

“Because you need some help.” Her mother’s tone was matter-of-fact. Firm.

Judith arched an eyebrow. “I don’t need any help. And I am just fine here.”

Leading the way into the living room, her mother touched the top of the sofa like she was afraid the fabric would dirty her blue dress. “I don’t think so. Please consider coming home for a week or two.”

“Mamm, I could never go home for two weeks. And what about Ben? He needs me here.” The moment she said the words, she felt the guilt overwhelm her. What she, her mother, and Ben all knew was that she hadn’t been doing anything for Ben in the last two weeks since she’d miscarried. She certainly hadn’t been cooking or cleaning.

“Ben is working so much at the store, I doubt he’ll mind if you take some time to seek the comfort of home.”

“But this is my home.”

“Judith, you know what I mean.”

Yes, she supposed she did. Ever so slowly, her mother’s unannounced visit—and Ben’s insistence that she dress—was starting to penetrate her haze of pain. “This isn’t a spur-of-the-moment idea, is it?”

“I’m afraid not. Your father’s been talking to Ben at the store.”

“Does Ben want me to leave? Does he not want me here?” Though she tried to conceal it, panic set in. Was Ben mad at her because she couldn’t seem to stop crying?

Terrible questions steamrolled and flashed in her head, faster and faster.

Did Ben want her to leave because she couldn’t have children? Did he not want to be married to her anymore? What would she do if he no longer wanted her to be his wife?

The panic grew and strengthened. Gaining energy, hurting her ability to breathe.

Her mother gripped her shoulders hard, almost shaking her out of her stupor. “Judith, please. Please calm down, dear. You’re upsetting yourself.”

Her eyes welled with tears. “I’m not upsetting myself. I
am
upset.”

“Oh, my sweet girl. I so hate to see you like this.”

The tender endearment, so often said when Judith had been a little girl, brought forth a vulnerable response. “Mamm, I’m trying. I promise. I am just so sad.”

Holding her hand between both of hers, her mother’s gaze softened. “Judith, dear, listen to me good. Ben is not upset with you. He does not blame you. He does not want you to leave him. He is merely concerned about you being home alone. He doesn’t think all this time by yourself is helping you heal.”

Little by little, the words started to make sense. “Are you sure Ben isn’t mad?”

“
Jah
. I am mighty sure! Judith, asking you to come home for a bit was only a suggestion. It wasn’t because I think you should cook and clean more. It wasn’t because I think you should already be over this news. It’s because we are all worried.” Her voice lowered. “But I think coming home for a bit is a
gut
idea. Then you could rest and not try to keep up with everything that doesn’t really matter.”

“Like housework?” Judith asked dryly. With their big family, her mother had taken a clean and organized house very seriously.

“Like a lot of things.” After squeezing Judith’s hand once more, her mother walked over to the kitchen sink. There, dishes had piled up and had spilled onto the countertop. Across from the sink, the stove looked just as forlorn. A film of dust and grime coated the range.

As Judith looked at it all through her mother’s eyes, she finally understood why Ben had been so worried.

Nothing was the way Judith usually kept things. From the time she’d been a little girl, she’d liked order. She’d always been the one to keep things in the kitchen and bathrooms clean and neat. She’d nagged everyone else in the house to be neater, too.

For her to have let everything go the way she had meant that something was truly wrong. “I know I haven’t been taking care of things. I know I’m not acting like myself. But . . . I’ve had other things on my mind.”

“I know, dear.”

As if she hadn’t heard her mother, Judith’s voice grew stronger. “The things that I’ve been dealing with? They are important.”

“I realize that,” her mother said simply. But her voice was lilted, like she wanted to add so much more, but was holding her tongue instead.

Though her feet felt like they were full of lead, she joined her mother in the kitchen and halfheartedly picked up a dishrag. “Are you sure Ben isn’t mad about the
haus
? Did he ask you to come over to make me fix everything?”

“There is nothing to fix, dear.”

“There’s me.”

“Child, for whatever reason, Got has made a decision. It was out of your hands. It is out of Ben’s hands, too. Now all he wants is for you to feel better. He is worried about you. We all are.”

Her mother pulled the dishrag from her hands, and guided her to a chair. “No one is complaining about your housekeeping, daughter. Especially not your Ben. You know how smitten he is with you! Why, if you never mopped the floor again he wouldn’t care. But I don’t think it’s good for you to be alone all day.”

“Being around the kids and the rest of the family isn’t going to make me happier.”

“Are you sure about that?”

“I am mighty sure that being around Anson is not going to improve my mood, Muddah.”

Her mother tried to frown, Judith could see that she really did. But after several seconds of trying, her frown eased into a lovely smile. “You might have a point about that. But, dear, I also think that dwelling on your loss isn’t healthy for you.”

“Mamm, it’s not just that I lost my baby. That would be hard, and I would mourn, but I’m old enough to realize that sometimes the Lord has a reason for a baby not being born. It’s the fact that I’m never going to have any
kinner
that has made me so terribly sad. I can hardly stand the thought of it.” She lowered her voice. “And worse, I simply don’t know what I’m going to do the rest of my life.”

“Ben said you were going to visit another
doctah
.”

“We are.”

“Then, there might be hope.”

“Yes, but I don’t know.”

“Perhaps the Lord wants you to help raise your siblings’
kinner
. Or maybe He feels that you and Ben are a perfect family on your own.”

“I love my husband, but I don’t know about that.”

“Maybe one day you’ll want to adopt then.”

“I can’t think about adoption. Not yet.”

“If we can’t plan your future, let’s plan your day. What do you want to do?”

All she knew was that she didn’t want to leave. This was her house, her home. Plus, this was Ben’s home, the one place where he had roots. Their life together here was finally giving him happy memories. There was no way she was going to do anything to cause him more pain, and she knew in her heart that moving out of their house—even for a very short amount of time—would do that.

“Mamm, I need to stay here. Ben needs to come home to me here. But . . .”

“Yes?”

“Maybe I could clean things up? Could you help me make supper and set things to rights?”